WITCHSTROLOGY: YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lucy Tockley
with assistance from Various Wytches
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR LOCAL WITCH CAN DO FOR YOU...
...ask what you can do for your local witch! Hello, Lucy Tockley here, Diamanda as was. As you probably know, Mistress Weatherwax banned me from witching after the Royal Wedding, and now that we have our own Witch Queen in Lancre and the biggest coven in generations and even young witches coming to visit from foreign places like the Chalk, I suppose things are getting too crowded for the elder witches to keep an eye on me. So I've been banned from witching and from going up on the moors and especially from dancing (especially dancing in the altogether, although I have to say that I still have the figure for it), and these days I have to do what Her Highness -- Queen Magrat, I mean, not Mistress Weatherwax -- calls "community service" and that witchfinder Miss Tick from foreign parts calls "sublimation of unseemly impulses". So here I am, having to collect horoscopes from the coven and, you know, edit them. And I'm not even allowed to wear special clothing or occult jewellery until I'm at least 30. I think that's especially unfair because I have learnt a few things, you know, but Mrs Ogg says that Mistress Weatherwax has learnt rather a few more things than I have and knows what's best and that if I'd known what was best I wouldn't have caused all that trouble in the first place.
But that's all water through the Gorge now. Anyway, I've been studying the history of witching in the Ramtops and compared to Olde Tymes we have a very viable and admirable crop of young witches now. Valuable enough to be considered as a national resource (some of us here do have enough education to know what a national resource is). So I urge you to consider the value of your local witch, and how you can repay her for her services. In goods, of course. Witches don't do money, unless they're Mrs Earwig.
Enjoy your horoscope. By witches, for witches. Blessed be.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
by Lucy Warbeck
As the Adamant Hedgehog approaches the cusp of Ramjambalam again, this is a good month for, like, practising your swimming whilst fully clothed. Octedays are an auspicious time for working on escaping from those tricky knots, the ones tied by villagers who haven't, like, read their Magavenatio. The stars also favour attempts to achieve a personal best at holding one's breath underwater.
Recommended gifts: good quality string, unspoilt feathers, old buttons, assorted cheap trinkets, and eggs, for, like, shamble-making; dried field rations; small scissors; waterproof boots.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
by Dimity Hubbub
At mid-month any experimental cure mixtures are unlikely to explode. Tuesdays favour Wow-Wow Sauce making, but be very careful of the amount of sulphur you use and employ only silver tongs during the second quarter of the moon. When Euno Hu, major star of Gahoolie, is brightest (around the 21st), use clear days for rock collecting. Avoid salad greens when the moon is dark. If romance is in the air, be sure to ask for diamonds, as they have many practical uses around the home and are good for grinding things for pastes. The 11th is a good day for hat maintenance, but avoid fires.
Recommended gifts: interesting minerals; silver tongs; family herbal recipes (for testing); turnips; hatpins, because a good strong hatpin can avert so many embarrassing pyrotic accidents.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
by Tiffany Aching
This is a good month for making difficult cheeses, especially during the new moon. Herne's Horns shine favourably on clotted cream, though you should be sure to save your best cream for a limited run of Sto Lat Runny. The third week of the month is a good time to pointedly avoid romantic entanglements, although really there is never any good time for romantic entanglements if you want to get things done. On the 13th, 27th and all Octedays, learn a new word. The stars actually neither know nor care about new words, but these days are best for stimulating the memory. Practise balance in all things this month; you never know when it might come in handy.
Recommended gifts: felt, calico and willow branches, for hatmaking; sheep shears; turpentine.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
by Petulia Gristle
A good month for trotter and hoof cures. Medicinal pig-scrubbing should take place only at moonset to avoid unfavourable influences. The 10th, 14th, 19th, 22nd and 25th are good for tail examinations. Reserve mid-month for porcine contraceptive activities. To avoid Spavined Knuckle, Ear Wriggle, Ruddy Farrow and Rumpstiff, do not dose your pigs in the last week of the month. The Knob shines favourably on udders during the three-quarter moon. The 21st is good for romance, but only if you've tagged your piglets first.
Recommended gifts: ointment and jollop bases; old leather trousers, the thicker the better; carbolic soap; old chain mail vests.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
by Agnes Nitt, with interruptions
No matter how many foolish people claim the stars govern your love life, romance is in the heart, not in the skies. "So says the girl who has a bedroom full of fluffy soft toys and always casts apple-peeling spells to find the name of her potential boyfriend, as if." Use your horoscopes to plan practical chores, for example, the second Thursday of this month is best for preparing pain-relieving medicines. "Practical chores are boring. Deep down, you haven't a practical bone in your body! Mind you, one would have to dig really deep to find your bones." Three-quarter moon is the best time for broom repairs. "We all know what's going through your mind when you get a bit of wind up your skirts." Midwives should prepare birth-encouraging charms between the 12th and 20th, and you can just shut up, Perdita, thank you very much.
Recommended gifts: preserving jars, especially if they're full of preserves; throat pastilles; knicker elastic; chocolate, no matter what Perdita says about the calories.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
by Gertruder Tiring
Cookery magic is in your stars this month! Genuan witches favour gumbo magic, but I always say you can see the future best in a good rabbit and onion pie. For learning of possible future romance, try a thick root vegetable stew at quarter-moon. To learn the best time for early planting, make turnip and broad bean soup on the 15th or 30th. A lightly fried egg at new moon can tell you when money will cross your path. Avoid reading tea leaves until Mubbo is on the cusp of Boring, but rose-hip tea gives good results all month. On the 9th, try eels. It's amazing what you can learn from examining a bowl of boiled eels.
Recommended gifts: small cauldrons; casserole dishes; ramekins; egg whisks; seeds, particularly savoury potherb seeds.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
by Caramella Bottlethwaite
The stars shine on lettuce this month for all Boring'uns. Lettuce will bring you luck, but most importantly for those born under this meek Sign, lettuce asks nothing of those who eat it. It's easy to chew, unthreatening in flavour, and never ever attacks you when you try to pick it, unlike the Herbs of a certain elder witch I could mention but won't. If you feel adventurous at mid-month, try a mild vinegar dressing on your lettuce. Avoid peas. That's all I have time for because I have to plant my winter lettuces now.
Recommended gifts: shovels and other garden implements; thick woolly socks; boots. With hobnails, for preference.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
by Amanita de Vice
Woe, oh woe! Your stars are terrible this month! All is blackness and despair, and not only should you not get out of bed, you should paint everything black and wear extra mascara and eyeliner and hang your head and wail and moan because life is so awful and nobody understands the inner pain you feel because you're so sensitive and artistic and not like anyone else at all, no, really. Yours is a life of anguish and misunderstoodness and even the very stars conspire to make your existence an endless desert of misery. I know how you feel. Blessed be.
Recommended gifts: black ink; long black underwear; black nail polish; black mascara; washable black tattoo patterns.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
by Harrieta Bilk
D'Jum-Boh, the Grand Trunk star of Great T'Phon's Foot, exerts a favourable influence this month on clothing and personal adornment. This is the best time to try out those bold new fashion statements you were always afraid to make. The second week of the month, and also the 18th and 22nd, look kindly on puce and carmine. After all, there's only so much you can do with black, and puce is this month's black, at least until the 23rd. Decorate your boots at half-moon, in fact, half-moon decorations would be a good idea. In the second quarter of the moon, try bat-shaped buttons and unusual hatpins. It's up to witches to set trends now!
Recommended gifts: dresses, secondhand, in wearable condition. Remember, it's always a good idea to size your local witch (by comparison with an approachable non-witch), as garments too large or too small could result in your being convinced you've become a frog.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
by Annagramma Hawkin
Fortunate stars shine upon you this month! The Sign of Hoki is particularly empowering, and if you cast your runes in local ruins you will become as empowered as the leopard, and I'm telling you that leopards are very empowered. The stars are very emphatic about the proper Opening of the Circle at esbat time. The Turnwise winds carry secrets, and learning secrets is essential for all young witches; some say witching is best learnt from books, but a witch who seeks true wisdom will find it in the simple ways of simple peasant folk, who have plenty of simple peasant wisdom so long as they have a witch to tell them which bits of their wisdom is wise. Pay more attention than usual this month to the advice of your local witch, and don't make her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Warts happen.
Recommended gifts: cloaks. Any good spare cloaks in excellent condition. A Zakzak Stronginthearm Zephyr Billow, for preference.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
by Magenta Frottidge
The Gazunda is back in the House of Hedbangur until the 16th and moves to the House of Hoose on the 20th, and what better time to practise your potions? Well, no better time, as it happens. Early moonlight favours the making of jollops. The second night of the full moon is good for lotions this month. Charms will work best on alternate Wednesdays and the third Octeday. Collect herbs and plants of the woodland during three-quarter moon. Do not make any curatives that require scumble; best to wait until next month. Avoid ylang-ylang; replace with Klatchian Migratory Bog Truffle essence or distillate of suckrose and akwa.
Recommended gifts: candles; dried flowers; essential oils; denatured alcohol; rare essences of the Aurient.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
by Lulu Darling
This is an excellent month for magnetism. The special sort of magnetism that women can practise best and witches don't practise often enough: forget octiron, we're talking about the magnetism of romance. Check your stars closely for the best dates for dates - let's see, this month that would be the 2nd through the 17th and the 24th through the 30th. Hitch your skirts up higher than usual at new moon, and with luck you'll be able to hitch them higher still. And never underestimate the power of a low-cut bodice, especially if your parents gave you the kind of name that just reeks of low-cut bodices anyway. After all "witch" is fifty per cent of the word "bewitching", so make the most of what you've got.
Recommended gifts: china and crockery; interesting ornaments; oysters; red boots; Sonky preventatives.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Djel Star's Paradise
Editor's note: This month's WOSSNAME was hijacked by the young witches of Lancre, who decided to strip out Alice's clog and publish only one of her songs. If you think I'm going to argue with a bunch of half-trained witches going through puberty, you're crazier than they are Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches.
-- The Editor.
DJEL STAR'S PARADISE
by Weird Alice Lancrevic
As I walk through the valley of the Source of the Djel
I'm looking back on my trip and realise I've done well
Cause now I've put Djelibeybi on the map
Stars of the Djel have become a tourist trap
These people never crossed a Pharaoh although most deserved it
They were treated with contempt, you know they were servants
They were too priest-watched for free thought
And scared down to their socks
But now there's Queen Ptraci, and the lady rocks
Old Dios' pyramids pauperised too well
Once religious artefacts - now they're just hotels...Djel!
I'm the kinda Bard Ankh-Morpork poets want to be like
All my songs come out right, ending verses with a near-rhyme
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I do like the Pharaohs did
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Only costs me twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I've got this situation, heat makes me brazen
I can't be a normal wife, I'm too crazed for the gigs
So I gotta get down from the D'regs scene
Too much sand and camel watching desiccates my dreams
I'm an educated Bard with career on my mind
Got a pen in my hand and an imp standing by
I'm a lost Lancrastian, Disc-trekking hasty 'un
And my carpet's broke down, it's sitting in the hangar - Djel!
Death is watching but my lifetimer's fine
I'm living large on the Djel, this Grand Sneer's mine
Just Cert and me, it's as magical as seven plus one
As strange as it's turning, we'll have fun
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Working for the highest bids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I will never hit the skids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Signing autographs for kids
In my penthouse Djel star's pyramid
Flowers of the desert, dessert made of flour
Hanging out with Ptraci, paradise is ours
Got a massive fanbase though half of them are mummies
What can you do in the desert but witty songs for dummies?
I'm learning ancient Djeli, Ashk-ur-men-tep has taught me
I can read old inscriptions - some bits, quite naughty
We'll go to Tsort
We'll go to Leshp
Hit every port
That's how we'll find those pleasures of the flesh - Djel!
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
We do like the Pharaohs did
In a mod-cons Djel star's pyramid
Only costs us twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When in Hersheba there's
Gigs for me?
Note for Roundworlders: the lyrics for Gangsta's Paradise can be found at: http://tinyurl.com/3224rr
-- The Editor.
- WEIRD ALICE, IN BRIEF
Assistant editor's note: although Weird Alice is technically not a witch, she is the resident Bard of this publication and possessed of -- and some might say by -- strange powers, so we are including her Clacks Log. However, only in abbreviated form. Or as Annagramma put it, 'All right, she can have her bit, but it's not to be as long as the important parts.' So I've edited this Log down to the lyrics of one of Alice's tales of her current holiday location. -- T.A.
DJEL STAR'S PARADISE
by Weird Alice Lancrevic
As I walk through the valley of the Source of the Djel
I'm looking back on my trip and realise I've done well
Cause now I've put Djelibeybi on the map
Stars of the Djel have become a tourist trap
These people never crossed a Pharaoh although most deserved it
They were treated with contempt, you know they were servants
They were too priest-watched for free thought
And scared down to their socks
But now there's Queen Ptraci, and the lady rocks
Old Dios' pyramids pauperised too well
Once religious artefacts - now they're just hotels...Djel!
I'm the kinda Bard Ankh-Morpork poets want to be like
All my songs come out right, ending verses with a near-rhyme
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I do like the Pharaohs did
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Only costs me twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I've got this situation, heat makes me brazen
I can't be a normal wife, I'm too crazed for the gigs
So I gotta get down from the D'regs scene
Too much sand and camel watching desiccates my dreams
I'm an educated Bard with career on my mind
Got a pen in my hand and an imp standing by
I'm a lost Lancrastian, Disc-trekking hasty 'un
And my carpet's broke down, it's sitting in the hangar - Djel!
Death is watching but my lifetimer's fine
I'm living large on the Djel, this Grand Sneer's mine
Just Cert and me, it's as magical as seven plus one
As strange as it's turning, we'll have fun
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Working for the highest bids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I will never hit the skids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Signing autographs for kids
In my penthouse Djel star's pyramid
Flowers of the desert, dessert made of flour
Hanging out with Ptraci, paradise is ours
Got a massive fanbase though half of them are mummies
What can you do in the desert but witty songs for dummies?
I'm learning ancient Djeli, Ashk-ur-men-tep has taught me
I can read old inscriptions - some bits, quite naughty
We'll go to Tsort
We'll go to Leshp
Hit every port
That's how we'll find those pleasures of the flesh - Djel!
Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
We do like the Pharaohs did
In a mod-cons Djel star's pyramid
Only costs us twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When in Hersheba there's
Gigs for me?
Note for Roundworlders: the lyrics for Gangsta's Paradise can be found at: http://tinyurl.com/3224rr
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