THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your astrologer this month for the Lady Asterisk is unavailable due to an unfortunate conjunction of a minor planet and her figgins.
My friends, Fernando has the molto distressing news to tell you. Fernando's rivals in the Guild of Prognosticators, Soothsayers, Fortunetellers, Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-Men (divers wizards, witches, priests, priestess and Mrs Cake exempted) are yet again trying to have Fernando thrown out of the Guild. (Fernando senses the hand of the despicable Carlos behind this, but Fernando shall not speak of him again.) My friends, they are the incompetent horoscopers who do not even know the difference between a vigintile and a semi-decile! But do not be afeared my friends, for they could not find a map to their bottom if it were tattooed on their face, and Fernando has the no doubt that his position in the Guild is safe.
Fernando begs you to find it in your hearts to forgive these foolish ones, especially the Guild Secretary Mr. Weakley "Astral Weaks" Render, of number 37A The Hidings, and not to throw rotten eggs at them. For while Fernando has dedicated himself to the mission of bringing to you the most excellente horoscopes and astrological advice at the most affordable prices, their only cause is to cut down the magnificence of Fernando out of jealousy. They are more to be pitied than to have the fresh dog doings squeezed through the keyholes, no matter how much they deserve it.
My friends, we all need to follow a Cause we believe in. Some people are fortunate enough to already have the Cause they can follow. Fernando hopes your Cause is virtuous and of benefit to all, like the emancipation of goblins, or to wear the most perfect cerise silk shirt. For those of you who are still in search of your Cause, do not be afeared my friends, for this month Fernando has asked the stars what Cause will most suit you.
Ciao bella!
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The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Hoggers, Fernando has consulted with the stars and your Cause to follow is the introduction of the shoulder-block into the great game of footsball. My friends, Fernando is the great supporter of the footsball, like all Brindisians, and when it comes to the game he is the molto conservative, but unlike some other astrologers Fernando will always tell you what the stars say no matter the consequences. For although Fernando personally is not a fan of the idea to introduce the shoulder-block, it is very popular in the street footsball, especially amongst the Dimwell supporters. Perhaps it is an idea whose time has come? (Although probably not the Dimwell practice of using spiked shoulder pads.)
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The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Fernando is the famous patron of the arts, especially the Opera where he never misses the performance of the prima diva Christine, and of the excellente art gallery in Broadway with the transgressive modern sculptures inspired by traditional Howondalander carvings. (Fernando is molto fortunate that the Blackribboner artist Baroness Evangelika Lugubria Arroganta Barbina Solfami von Fledermausen allows him to pose for the sculptures.) And so Fernando is especially pleased to tell you that the stars recommend that the Cause for Munchers to follow is to improve the funding and patronage for the arts. May there be many more fig leaves for all!
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Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, your Cause is to support the proposed Magic Registration Act, which would compel all witches, wizards, psychics and other magical people or creatures within the bounds of Ankh-Morpork to register with the Watch, or leave the city. Fernando will let the sponsor of the MRA, Lord Archibald Pinkler, speak: "How many times does a man have to have his socks spirited away into the aether by the wizards of Unseen University before Lord Vetinari sees fit to act on this threat to our fair city? I demand that the City Watch do something about this magical menace!" My friends, Fernando is not one to let his own personal opinions influence his horoscopes, but he must say that this is of concern to him, for there have been the many times that Fernando has been accused of the magic on account of his supernatural good looks and inhuman skills with the love-making. Fernando's magnificence is all-natural, my friends, but some people sadly will be envious.
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The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies, Fernando knows that the quality, and quantity, of the food you eat is a subject especially close to your heart, and so it is that the stars tell Fernando that the Cause you should take up is to have the Patrician pass the food purity laws. My friends, the Ankh-Morpork Chamber of Commerce has taken out the many advertisements in the A-M Times and Enquirer explaining that the Patrician's proposed limits on the amount of rat droppings in flour will bankrupt Ankh-Morpork businesses within the month, and that the Morporkians prefer their rabbit pies to be stretched with a little horse meat to keep the cost down (but only equal amounts of each: one horse, one rabbit). And what sort of sausage would you get without sawdust and gristle? My friends, you don't need to be the magnificent astrologer like Fernando to answer that question, you only need to have had primo quality Brindisian sausage in your mouth: you would get a much better sausage.
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Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, Fernando wishes you the best of good luck for your Cause, for you will need it. Your Cause is to repeal the anti-mime laws in Ankh-Morpork. My friends, Fernando has the great admiration for those who take the unpopular stand. As the great Quirmian writer Saltaire once said, "I think you are wrong in what you say, but I think you should say it". (But remember my friends, the next part of his quote is often left out: "I could do with a good laugh.") In this case, the anti-mime laws have the support of the Patrician, the editors of both major newspapers, Sir Samuel Vimes, and the general population. Fernando knows that almost the only ones against the law is the Fool's Guild, and so the stars warn that your Cause will be the unpopular one, and having the law repealed will be molto difficile. Perhaps even as difficile as walking against the wind. Or doing other things against the wind which Fernando is far too cultured to mention here.
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My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept
With Ankh-Morpork in possession of the tens of thousands of golems, there are those who believe that other nations of the Disc have great reason to fear the ill-intentions of the city. Not Brindisi, of course, for Brindisi fears nothing, except perhaps being relegated to Division 2 of the Footsball Disc Cup, and also because of the long and most friendly special relationship between our two nations. But the other nations, no matter how friendly they are now, have the consideration that Lord Vetinari's successor may not be quite as interested in peaceful coexistence. Borogravia, it is said, has doubled the number of trolls recruited into their army. Klatch is training assassins (after all, they did invent the word), Agatea (so the rumours say) has built another 10,000 Barking Dogs, and Muntab is doing whatever it is that Muntab always does. My friends, Fernando is the believer in making the love, not the war, but even he can see that the existence of so many golems risks peace on the Disc. And so it is that the stars tell Fernando that the favoured Cause for Nosers is that of golem disarmament, for without their arms, the golems are much less to be feared.
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The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, the stars have given Fernando the understanding of the nightmare you live in. You can hardly dare go out to eat at the cafe or ristorante, for who knows what they will put in the food? There could be herbs, or spices, or herbs and spices. Perhaps they use the garlic, or the black pepper, or even the hot spicy chilli favoured by Fernando's Aunt Maria. Or worst of all, the dreaded Quirmian avec! How can you eat out at the restaurant or the cafe when the most harmless, simple foods could contain such unexpected excitement? My friends, the stars say your Cause is to have the spicy foods banned, especially the traitorous Brindisian parsley, which looks gentle and mild enough for Boring'uns, like the Quirmian curly parsley, but in fact has the kick to it. The kick like a mouse perhaps, but still the kick. If you can't trust even the parsley, what herb can you trust?
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Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
When Fernando first arrived in Ankh-Morpork, he was the saddened and shocked to see how many of the fine Morporkian people would get sick with the flux, also known as the colic or the griping of the guts. Sometimes all over the street. Andies, it is now the Year of the Pensive Hare and it is the disgrace that a city of Ankh-Morpork's statue should still have this problem! But do not be afeared my friends, for the stars tell Fernando that your Cause to follow is to eradicate the flux. Listen very carefully, for Fernando knows that there are the many crackpots who will lead you wrong with the false stories of "Zoons poisoning the wells", "too many vegetables in the diet", and "invisible biting demons in the Ankh water". Trust Fernando on this, for he knows that this is so.
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The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Spooners, your Cause is the Right To Roam, the ancient Morporkian freedom to roam through public and private lands. My friends, many people know that Ramblers wander at will across the Sto Plains, through Lancre, and even the Forest of Skund (although Fernando must warn would-be Ramblers that sometimes the trees will follow you home). But let Fernando tell you that, although most people are not aware of this, Ankh-Morpork also grants the Right To Roam in the city. So with the heavy walking boots, a stout walking stick, and a large sledge-hammer for removing inconvenient walls built across ancient city streets and paths, it is every Morporkian's right to wander through Dolly Sisters, Nap Hill, the Scours, and number 37A The Hidings. Fernando encourages you to stand up for your ancient rights!
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Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Fernando often has the wonderment about where the rumours and stories come from. Who first started the rumours that eating the sausage inna bun would make your t*nker grow as big as the sausage? (My friends, Fernando has seen the typical Morporkian sausage, and such a thing is not much to aspire to...) Or the stories about the talking dog of Ankh-Morpork? Fernando has the much disappointment from these unbelievable stories. But Fernando does not judge, for we all must follow the path we have before us, even if that path is to spread the nonsense rumours. Hokians, the stars tell Fernando that your Cause is to be one of the "Borners" questioning whether Lord Vetinari is eligible to be Patrician. Fernando can do no better than to quote the leader of the Borners, Only Zats: "Is it true that Lord Vetinari was born in Genua, or perhaps it was Kythia? If he is actually a Morporkian, why is he never seen out on the streets throwing half-bricks at toffs?"
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The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Squawkers, Fernando has carefully consulted with the stars, and they recommend that your Cause to follow is to support the continued cleanup of magical dumping grounds in Unreal Estate. My friends, with the success of Thaumatological Park, and hardly anyone being turned into a spoon while visiting the site, many people believe that it is past time for the rest of Unreal Estate to be opened to developers. Fernando understands that Archchancellor Ridcully is against the idea, but what could possibly go wrong? Fernando hears that a consortium of business men have offered to buy the land from the University for $1 and a promise of immunity to lawsuits, and in return they will dispose of the old spells and magical waste by burying it safely in the Shades.
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Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that your Cause to follow is to do something about the many undesirables in Ankh-Morpork. Fernando knows that Ankh-Morpork is the Queen of Cities, but she has the many beggars, urchins, gnolls, street theatre performers, soapbox prophets and teachers roaming the streets at will, bothering decent people and stealing chickens. My friends, Fernando understands that you are unhappy about this, and so your Cause is to have these people evicted from the city at dusk each night. Of course, Fernando also understands that the gates to the city are permanently open and there is no way to prevent people from just wandering back in, but it is the principle of the thing that counts. Something must be done, this is something, therefore it must be done.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, May 31, 2009
May 2009
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando, I shall be your astrologer today, for the Lady Asterisk is sick in her boudoir with the hipplopotamus flu.
Since Fernando first came to this magnificent city, almost as magnificent as Fernando himself, he has been receiving the very many fine letters from his readers every month. My friends, you can be sure that Fernando reads the every one of them, yes, even the ones written with the crayons on the backs of old envelopes. Sometimes the letters are to tell Fernando how magnificent he is, sometimes they are to ask for Fernando's advice or help, and many of them from the young signorinas (and a few of the young signores) are to promise their undying love for Fernando. So this month, Fernando is going to answer a selection of the questions sent to him by his readers. You too can have your questions answered magnificently by Fernando! Just send your questions by C-Mail to <Magnifico@Astrochelonian.AM> or by the Roundworld E-Mail to <magnifico at pearwood.info>.
Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The first letter is from a Hogger, who writes:
"To Mr Fernando Magnifico, I am a young Dwarf working in a responsible position for a high-profile arm of the City government. A few years ago I 'came out' to my colleagues and friends as female. I have met a nice Dwarf who I am very nearly sure could be male, and he's been hinting at some, er, exotic practices. I think he wants me to, um, you know, shave. Up there. My beard. Some of my more conservative relatives and colleagues, to say nothing of the Deep Downers, are still upset that I wear dresses, so I think this would possibly cause them to go completely spare. I don't think I can handle the embarrassment of being beardless in public, but at the same time the idea is strangely attractive. What should I do? Signed, Not So Cheery Now."
Fernando knows well the conflict you feel. Not for Fernando himself, you understand, for when Fernando makes up his mind to do a thing, he does it, with no regrets, but for the many people, their first "full Tezuman" is the very big decision. How much more so if the Tezuman is visible in public, and not just in the privacy of your bedroom or kitchen? This is what it must be like for the Dwarfs and their beards. Fernando has learned much from the great Dwarf lover Casanunda, who has shaved his beard off, but such a cost! For Casanunda now spends all his time away far from his family, his people and the mines. The stars say that this is not a burden that all are prepared to carry, and Fernando knows that this is so! But perhaps you could have your beard made into the face-wig, for wearing in public? Fernando hears that more Dwarfs than you know already do this thing.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
"Hello dearie, this is Dotsie here... and this is Sadie kind sir, I'm a Muncher and dear Aunty Dotsie is a Spooner, but I'm sure that won't cause such a talented boy as you any trouble. I'm sure a kind boy like you doesn't want any trouble. Aunty Dotsie and I have a question for you, if you would be so kind. A very important question, kind sir, one which Dotsie and I know you will answer very carefully. Where can we get a nice strawberry jam for our cream tea? There's a bit of a shortage of strawberries, you understand, we've looked everywhere. Something about unseasonable cold weather. Dotsie's even opened her handbag at some of the merchants, but they can't do anything about the weather, the poor things. We've tried raspberry jam but it just isn't the same."
This letter is the challenge for Fernando's astrology, for it is written by the two peoples, of different signs. But do not fear, for Fernando is "up for it", as they say, and will not let you down! Fernando has consulted with the stars, and there is the bad news and there is the good news. The bad news is that the strawberry shortage will continue for a while, but not forever, the stars say that next year will be a bumper harvest. And in the meantime, the stars suggest checking with the Sto Lat Importers in Bread & Cheese Passage, for they may still have some. Or you could try Quirm: weak, insipid strawberries, like their footsballers, but better than nothing.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
"Good day Mr Magnifico, as you may be aware from the sensationalist reports in the daily newspapers, especially that scurrilous rag The Ankh-Morpork Times, His Lordship recently suffered considerable embarrassment, to say nothing of the loss of a significant amount of money, after signing an unwise contract against the advice of his accountants and lawyers. As three verbal briefings, two written memos and a large note written by Mr. Slate himself pinned directly to the front of the contract were insufficient to impress upon His Lordship the dangers of the contract, I take full responsibility for failing in my duties. Mr. Magnifico, do the stars have anything to say advising me on how I can better serve His Lordship in future? Signed, the Hon. Lucian Plumm-Brownnose, Esq., Secretary to Lord Rust."
Fernando knows that when a signore nobile has set his mind on something, he is like the bull who espies the lady cow in the next field: single minded and very hard to stop, and with a tendency to bellow. But Fernando has consulted with the stars, and checked the horoscopes, and all is not lost. For unlike the bulls, many lords are the easily distracted, like Fernando's cousin Tomas, who tries so hard but is distracted by the ladies who undress at night without drawing their shades, even if he has to climb two fences and a tree to get distracted. The stars say that the best way to serve His Lordship is to find something to keep him busy until he has forgotten the papers you don't want him to sign. Fernando believes in making the love, not the war, but for such a good cause, perhaps a small pre-emptive strike against Quirm might be in order?
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
"Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai am a respectable hwidow hwoman and hyour most devoted fan. Ai halways turn to hyour horoscopes first thing when Ai get the newspaper heach day, it is the hnext best thing to having a witch to read hyour tea leaves. Ai am a 'Staffie', like many of the fine gentlemen for hwhom Ai works for. One hof these fine gentlemen has taken to following me around like a lost puppy since hwe were lost together on a tropical hisland some time ago. Don't get me wrong, he is the perfect gentleman at hall times, but it is very tiresome to have him follow me around hoffering to help with the hironing and folding. Ai have gels for that sort of thing. What do the stars say Ai should do? Signed, Devoted of Unseen University"
Fernando knows what it is like to have the people follow you around making the puppy-dog eyes and asking to do your chores. Sometimes when Fernando leaves his small but tastefully decorated apartment, he finds two, or sometimes three, of the young signorinas fighting over him in the street. It is very sad, because Fernando has enough love in him for everyone.
Fernando has never had a problem with an unwanted suitor who needs to be discouraged, but his sister Rosita is often plagued by the young mens who won't take no for the answer. She kicks them in the voonerables and then runs out into the street crying and wailing. After a couple of nights in the stocks being pelted by the rotten fruit, and they understand the meaning of no. Fernando has checked the stars, and they say that a delicato approach would be more appropriate. Have you considered perhaps putting the bromide in the gentleman's tea?
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
"Dear Mr Fernando, I need your help, for I have done a foolish thing. Last week I went to the pub and had a few too many beers, and then I had a few too many more beers, and maybe one or two whiskies, and one thing led to another and on the way home I stopped at the clacks office and sent a naughty c-mail to the ex-girlfriend and offered to, well, you're a man of the world Mr Fernando, I'm sure I don't need to spell it out. But I gave the clerk the wrong c-mail address and sent it to me mam instead. So now the old man doesn't know whether to give me a hiding or ask me for some lessons, and me mam won't talk to me, and somehow the lads at the factory found out and keep making jokes about it. And to rub salt into the wound, the bloody clerk (excuse my Klatchian) at the clacks office short-changed me! What do the stars say I should do? Signed, Never Should Of Let Me Mam Get On The Clacks."
Fernando can understand how this is the very embarrassment for you, but you must understand, you are not the first, and will not be the last, who this terrible thing has happened to. Especially in Ankh-Morpork, can anyone put their hand on their heart and say they have never done this themselves? I don't think so -- even Fernando, as magnificent as he is, has made this mistake once or twice. It is an easy mistake to make, especially with the Ankh-Morpork pennies, so what you must do is to be as brave as Fernando and walk straight back to that clacks office and demand to speak to the manager, then ask for your correct change. The stars are in your favour!
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
"Hello Mr Fenardo, I am Chalky der troll and I am der Parsnip astrologery kind of ting. Please excuse my riting, cos der kiln is on and its' a bit warm in here. I makes der potteries and stuff from der finest clays. I am reely good at makin pottery statchews for export, and I been tinken about branching out into der fine arts wit dem statchews. What does der stars say about dis?"
Fernando approves very much of the fine arts, and is very pleased that the stars say that this is the molto excellente idea. Fernando believes that having the most attractive models for the statues is most important, and so Fernando offers to be the model. Did I mention that Fernando has his own figleaf? It is very large.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
"Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Boring'un interested in collecting stamps, papier mache hats and competitive paint-drying. The regional semi-finals are coming up soon, and I am hoping that astrology could give me a small advantage against last year's champion. Yours, Dagbert Nodule."
Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and the stars say that the outlook for victory is promising. The stars recommend an unorthodox under-arm fanning motion. The secret is in the wrist action during the backstroke, cara mia.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
"Dear Mr Magnifico, This letter will no doubt come as a surprise to you but I can assure you by all the gods that this is GENUINE. My name is Mrs Maria-Theresa Slug and my dearest husband was the Supreme General in the Theocracy of Muntab's Hubwise Army until he was MURDERED by his political rivals. These same RIVALS have seized my home and assets but by the will of the GODS they didn't know about the bank account in the name of my CAT where my LATE husband deposited AM$10,000,000 just the night before he was SO CRUELY murdered. As a POOR SIMPLE WOMAN unused to international finance, I beseech you to help me TRANSFER the money into a secret Ankh-Morpork bank account before my husband's MURDERERS discover it. For your trouble I will give you a share of the money, twenty-five percent or ONE MILLION A-M DOLLARS for your trouble. Please reply by C-Mail to."
Fernando's heart is filled with the sadness that people could be so cruel to a poor widow, and so he is determinded to help this poor signora in her hour of need. Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and the stars predict that much money will change hands, and that the writer of this letter will be very happy afterwards. Fernando is sure that this will work out for the best.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
"Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Spooner small businessman supplying the working-man of Ankh-Morpork with his daily need viz a viz salt, grease, BCBs and other essentials. Competition is getting tough for us servers of honest Morporkian food what with these new curry shops and dwarf delicatessens opening up, and if the stars have anything to say about keeping my share of the edibles market I want to know about it. And make it snappy. Signed, S. Harga. (P.S. mention this letter for 15 pence off your next plate of Burnt Bacon Crunchy Egg and Stale Toast House Special at the House of Ribs.)"
Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, but the food! In Brindisi, we have the saying, "it is a Morporkian lunch" (only it is much more beautiful in Brindisian, you understand), which means it is badly made and not good for you. If it were up to Fernando, I would say, Morporkians, throw out your burnt chips and greasy sludge, but Fernando is scrupulous and would never change what the stars themselves say, no matter how much it hurts Fernando. For the stars know that the peoples of Ankh-Morpork, otherwise the finest of all peoples outside of Brindisi, have little place in their stomachs for the sun-ripened tomatoes, plump olives and juicy table-grapes. The stars have this to say: on the wall of your shop, you should put the many iconographs of the big, fat sandwiches, filled with the finest salads and meats. But the sandwiches you serve should be half the size, with a few sad pieces of salad and a mean, greasy, salty minced-meat patty inside the soft, sweet bread roll, half-filled with sugar and air. Your customers will love them.
It is enough to make Fernando weep. But Fernando is strong.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
"Dear Fernando, I am a Hokian recentlly arrived in Ankh-Morpork from Llamedos. Father was relluctant to llet me go, but as he can't work on account of his bad lleg, and I am the olldest of a familly of seventeen girlls, I have come to the big city to find work. I am working as a barmaid for a smallll hotell just off Sator Square, and having once mentioned that I'm tallented at sewing and darning, many of the patrons have told me I shoulld consider becoming a Seamstress. What do the stars suggest I should do? Signed, Miss Edith Llewellewellewellyn. P.S. I'm not entirelly ignorant Mr Fernando, I'm aware of the difference between needllewoman and Seamstress, I just pllay dumb for the tips."
Fernando knows that such a job is the very hard: the customers are either disrespectful and unpleasant, or they are needy and demanding; the long hours, no prospects, and the terrible working conditions. And that's for needlewomans -- the job of the barmaids is much worse. The stars also say that as a Seamstress, it will be exactly the same, but you will be paid a lot more, and Fernando knows that you will have the satisfaction that the most unpleasant customers will wake up in an alley with the strange parrot-head shaped bruise on their head. Fernando is friend to many peoples, of all professions, and he knows that as Seamstress your job will be scandalous and messy, at least if you do it right. If this excites you as much as it excites Fernando, you could reach the very top of the Guild.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
"Dear Mr Fernando, I hope you will publish my letter, I was just saying to my Henry, oh Henry, wouldn't it be wonderful if that nice Mr Fernando published my letter, and then he said yes dear, and I said that would just go to show that stuck-up Mrs Petty, and he said yes dear, and then I said could you believe it, she actually said that you made up the letters you published, not my Henry you understand, you Mr Fernando, and then my Henry said no dear, and I said I know I could hardly believe it myself, but Mrs Mariachi told me, and she heard it from her Andy, who heard it direct from the gent that Mrs Petty said it to, and then my Henry said that's practically official, and I said oh shush Henry, you don't want to be boring everybody with your yabbering, and he said yes dear, he always has to have the last word my Henry I do love him so but he does go on something terrible. Signed, Mrs Analgesic."
How could Fernando not publish this letter? It would be cruel and heartless to not do so, and Fernando is not cruel or heartless. Fernando has the very big heart filled with love for all (except for Carlos, who we do not talk about, and the Quirmian footsballers, the filthy cheaters that they are). So Fernando can assure you that he does not make up any of the letters, they are all "the genuine article" as they say in Ankh-Morpork. Fernando has checked the horoscopes, and the stars say that the hat you like, the one with the cherries and stuffed birds, will be on sale soon, and if you hurry, you can buy it before Mrs Petty.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
"Dear Mr Fernando, due to a thmall mithunderthanding by my former employer, Very Nearly Thane Again Doctor Fauthtith Dithtemper -- when you order thomeone to pull the thwitch on the thircuit, make thure you're not thanding in wet grathth with one hand on the capathitor terminal -- I find mythelf without employment in Ankh-Morpork. I have a thmall thum put athide for emergenthieth, but I wonder whether it would be prudent to vithit my couthin Igor in Thlithe until the Doctor'th will hath been read in cathe hith heirth want it back. What do the thtarth have to thay about thith? Thigned, Igor."
Fernando knows very well the importance of the good communications, and sometimes the importance of avoiding the bad communications. Fernando has checked with the stars, and they say that Slice is too close. Perhaps you have the relatives back in Uberwald you could visit? It is important to see your family, Fernando knows this is true, which is why Fernando always goes back to Brindisi to see his family, even his cousin Donatella, who looks like the terrifying ghoul and behaves just as badly.
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando, I shall be your astrologer today, for the Lady Asterisk is sick in her boudoir with the hipplopotamus flu.
Since Fernando first came to this magnificent city, almost as magnificent as Fernando himself, he has been receiving the very many fine letters from his readers every month. My friends, you can be sure that Fernando reads the every one of them, yes, even the ones written with the crayons on the backs of old envelopes. Sometimes the letters are to tell Fernando how magnificent he is, sometimes they are to ask for Fernando's advice or help, and many of them from the young signorinas (and a few of the young signores) are to promise their undying love for Fernando. So this month, Fernando is going to answer a selection of the questions sent to him by his readers. You too can have your questions answered magnificently by Fernando! Just send your questions by C-Mail to <Magnifico@Astrochelonian.AM> or by the Roundworld E-Mail to <magnifico at pearwood.info>.
Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The first letter is from a Hogger, who writes:
"To Mr Fernando Magnifico, I am a young Dwarf working in a responsible position for a high-profile arm of the City government. A few years ago I 'came out' to my colleagues and friends as female. I have met a nice Dwarf who I am very nearly sure could be male, and he's been hinting at some, er, exotic practices. I think he wants me to, um, you know, shave. Up there. My beard. Some of my more conservative relatives and colleagues, to say nothing of the Deep Downers, are still upset that I wear dresses, so I think this would possibly cause them to go completely spare. I don't think I can handle the embarrassment of being beardless in public, but at the same time the idea is strangely attractive. What should I do? Signed, Not So Cheery Now."
Fernando knows well the conflict you feel. Not for Fernando himself, you understand, for when Fernando makes up his mind to do a thing, he does it, with no regrets, but for the many people, their first "full Tezuman" is the very big decision. How much more so if the Tezuman is visible in public, and not just in the privacy of your bedroom or kitchen? This is what it must be like for the Dwarfs and their beards. Fernando has learned much from the great Dwarf lover Casanunda, who has shaved his beard off, but such a cost! For Casanunda now spends all his time away far from his family, his people and the mines. The stars say that this is not a burden that all are prepared to carry, and Fernando knows that this is so! But perhaps you could have your beard made into the face-wig, for wearing in public? Fernando hears that more Dwarfs than you know already do this thing.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
"Hello dearie, this is Dotsie here... and this is Sadie kind sir, I'm a Muncher and dear Aunty Dotsie is a Spooner, but I'm sure that won't cause such a talented boy as you any trouble. I'm sure a kind boy like you doesn't want any trouble. Aunty Dotsie and I have a question for you, if you would be so kind. A very important question, kind sir, one which Dotsie and I know you will answer very carefully. Where can we get a nice strawberry jam for our cream tea? There's a bit of a shortage of strawberries, you understand, we've looked everywhere. Something about unseasonable cold weather. Dotsie's even opened her handbag at some of the merchants, but they can't do anything about the weather, the poor things. We've tried raspberry jam but it just isn't the same."
This letter is the challenge for Fernando's astrology, for it is written by the two peoples, of different signs. But do not fear, for Fernando is "up for it", as they say, and will not let you down! Fernando has consulted with the stars, and there is the bad news and there is the good news. The bad news is that the strawberry shortage will continue for a while, but not forever, the stars say that next year will be a bumper harvest. And in the meantime, the stars suggest checking with the Sto Lat Importers in Bread & Cheese Passage, for they may still have some. Or you could try Quirm: weak, insipid strawberries, like their footsballers, but better than nothing.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
"Good day Mr Magnifico, as you may be aware from the sensationalist reports in the daily newspapers, especially that scurrilous rag The Ankh-Morpork Times, His Lordship recently suffered considerable embarrassment, to say nothing of the loss of a significant amount of money, after signing an unwise contract against the advice of his accountants and lawyers. As three verbal briefings, two written memos and a large note written by Mr. Slate himself pinned directly to the front of the contract were insufficient to impress upon His Lordship the dangers of the contract, I take full responsibility for failing in my duties. Mr. Magnifico, do the stars have anything to say advising me on how I can better serve His Lordship in future? Signed, the Hon. Lucian Plumm-Brownnose, Esq., Secretary to Lord Rust."
Fernando knows that when a signore nobile has set his mind on something, he is like the bull who espies the lady cow in the next field: single minded and very hard to stop, and with a tendency to bellow. But Fernando has consulted with the stars, and checked the horoscopes, and all is not lost. For unlike the bulls, many lords are the easily distracted, like Fernando's cousin Tomas, who tries so hard but is distracted by the ladies who undress at night without drawing their shades, even if he has to climb two fences and a tree to get distracted. The stars say that the best way to serve His Lordship is to find something to keep him busy until he has forgotten the papers you don't want him to sign. Fernando believes in making the love, not the war, but for such a good cause, perhaps a small pre-emptive strike against Quirm might be in order?
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
"Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai am a respectable hwidow hwoman and hyour most devoted fan. Ai halways turn to hyour horoscopes first thing when Ai get the newspaper heach day, it is the hnext best thing to having a witch to read hyour tea leaves. Ai am a 'Staffie', like many of the fine gentlemen for hwhom Ai works for. One hof these fine gentlemen has taken to following me around like a lost puppy since hwe were lost together on a tropical hisland some time ago. Don't get me wrong, he is the perfect gentleman at hall times, but it is very tiresome to have him follow me around hoffering to help with the hironing and folding. Ai have gels for that sort of thing. What do the stars say Ai should do? Signed, Devoted of Unseen University"
Fernando knows what it is like to have the people follow you around making the puppy-dog eyes and asking to do your chores. Sometimes when Fernando leaves his small but tastefully decorated apartment, he finds two, or sometimes three, of the young signorinas fighting over him in the street. It is very sad, because Fernando has enough love in him for everyone.
Fernando has never had a problem with an unwanted suitor who needs to be discouraged, but his sister Rosita is often plagued by the young mens who won't take no for the answer. She kicks them in the voonerables and then runs out into the street crying and wailing. After a couple of nights in the stocks being pelted by the rotten fruit, and they understand the meaning of no. Fernando has checked the stars, and they say that a delicato approach would be more appropriate. Have you considered perhaps putting the bromide in the gentleman's tea?
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
"Dear Mr Fernando, I need your help, for I have done a foolish thing. Last week I went to the pub and had a few too many beers, and then I had a few too many more beers, and maybe one or two whiskies, and one thing led to another and on the way home I stopped at the clacks office and sent a naughty c-mail to the ex-girlfriend and offered to, well, you're a man of the world Mr Fernando, I'm sure I don't need to spell it out. But I gave the clerk the wrong c-mail address and sent it to me mam instead. So now the old man doesn't know whether to give me a hiding or ask me for some lessons, and me mam won't talk to me, and somehow the lads at the factory found out and keep making jokes about it. And to rub salt into the wound, the bloody clerk (excuse my Klatchian) at the clacks office short-changed me! What do the stars say I should do? Signed, Never Should Of Let Me Mam Get On The Clacks."
Fernando can understand how this is the very embarrassment for you, but you must understand, you are not the first, and will not be the last, who this terrible thing has happened to. Especially in Ankh-Morpork, can anyone put their hand on their heart and say they have never done this themselves? I don't think so -- even Fernando, as magnificent as he is, has made this mistake once or twice. It is an easy mistake to make, especially with the Ankh-Morpork pennies, so what you must do is to be as brave as Fernando and walk straight back to that clacks office and demand to speak to the manager, then ask for your correct change. The stars are in your favour!
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
"Hello Mr Fenardo, I am Chalky der troll and I am der Parsnip astrologery kind of ting. Please excuse my riting, cos der kiln is on and its' a bit warm in here. I makes der potteries and stuff from der finest clays. I am reely good at makin pottery statchews for export, and I been tinken about branching out into der fine arts wit dem statchews. What does der stars say about dis?"
Fernando approves very much of the fine arts, and is very pleased that the stars say that this is the molto excellente idea. Fernando believes that having the most attractive models for the statues is most important, and so Fernando offers to be the model. Did I mention that Fernando has his own figleaf? It is very large.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
"Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Boring'un interested in collecting stamps, papier mache hats and competitive paint-drying. The regional semi-finals are coming up soon, and I am hoping that astrology could give me a small advantage against last year's champion. Yours, Dagbert Nodule."
Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and the stars say that the outlook for victory is promising. The stars recommend an unorthodox under-arm fanning motion. The secret is in the wrist action during the backstroke, cara mia.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
"Dear Mr Magnifico, This letter will no doubt come as a surprise to you but I can assure you by all the gods that this is GENUINE. My name is Mrs Maria-Theresa Slug and my dearest husband was the Supreme General in the Theocracy of Muntab's Hubwise Army until he was MURDERED by his political rivals. These same RIVALS have seized my home and assets but by the will of the GODS they didn't know about the bank account in the name of my CAT where my LATE husband deposited AM$10,000,000 just the night before he was SO CRUELY murdered. As a POOR SIMPLE WOMAN unused to international finance, I beseech you to help me TRANSFER the money into a secret Ankh-Morpork bank account before my husband's MURDERERS discover it. For your trouble I will give you a share of the money, twenty-five percent or ONE MILLION A-M DOLLARS for your trouble. Please reply by C-Mail to
Fernando's heart is filled with the sadness that people could be so cruel to a poor widow, and so he is determinded to help this poor signora in her hour of need. Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and the stars predict that much money will change hands, and that the writer of this letter will be very happy afterwards. Fernando is sure that this will work out for the best.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
"Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Spooner small businessman supplying the working-man of Ankh-Morpork with his daily need viz a viz salt, grease, BCBs and other essentials. Competition is getting tough for us servers of honest Morporkian food what with these new curry shops and dwarf delicatessens opening up, and if the stars have anything to say about keeping my share of the edibles market I want to know about it. And make it snappy. Signed, S. Harga. (P.S. mention this letter for 15 pence off your next plate of Burnt Bacon Crunchy Egg and Stale Toast House Special at the House of Ribs.)"
Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, but the food! In Brindisi, we have the saying, "it is a Morporkian lunch" (only it is much more beautiful in Brindisian, you understand), which means it is badly made and not good for you. If it were up to Fernando, I would say, Morporkians, throw out your burnt chips and greasy sludge, but Fernando is scrupulous and would never change what the stars themselves say, no matter how much it hurts Fernando. For the stars know that the peoples of Ankh-Morpork, otherwise the finest of all peoples outside of Brindisi, have little place in their stomachs for the sun-ripened tomatoes, plump olives and juicy table-grapes. The stars have this to say: on the wall of your shop, you should put the many iconographs of the big, fat sandwiches, filled with the finest salads and meats. But the sandwiches you serve should be half the size, with a few sad pieces of salad and a mean, greasy, salty minced-meat patty inside the soft, sweet bread roll, half-filled with sugar and air. Your customers will love them.
It is enough to make Fernando weep. But Fernando is strong.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
"Dear Fernando, I am a Hokian recentlly arrived in Ankh-Morpork from Llamedos. Father was relluctant to llet me go, but as he can't work on account of his bad lleg, and I am the olldest of a familly of seventeen girlls, I have come to the big city to find work. I am working as a barmaid for a smallll hotell just off Sator Square, and having once mentioned that I'm tallented at sewing and darning, many of the patrons have told me I shoulld consider becoming a Seamstress. What do the stars suggest I should do? Signed, Miss Edith Llewellewellewellyn. P.S. I'm not entirelly ignorant Mr Fernando, I'm aware of the difference between needllewoman and Seamstress, I just pllay dumb for the tips."
Fernando knows that such a job is the very hard: the customers are either disrespectful and unpleasant, or they are needy and demanding; the long hours, no prospects, and the terrible working conditions. And that's for needlewomans -- the job of the barmaids is much worse. The stars also say that as a Seamstress, it will be exactly the same, but you will be paid a lot more, and Fernando knows that you will have the satisfaction that the most unpleasant customers will wake up in an alley with the strange parrot-head shaped bruise on their head. Fernando is friend to many peoples, of all professions, and he knows that as Seamstress your job will be scandalous and messy, at least if you do it right. If this excites you as much as it excites Fernando, you could reach the very top of the Guild.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
"Dear Mr Fernando, I hope you will publish my letter, I was just saying to my Henry, oh Henry, wouldn't it be wonderful if that nice Mr Fernando published my letter, and then he said yes dear, and I said that would just go to show that stuck-up Mrs Petty, and he said yes dear, and then I said could you believe it, she actually said that you made up the letters you published, not my Henry you understand, you Mr Fernando, and then my Henry said no dear, and I said I know I could hardly believe it myself, but Mrs Mariachi told me, and she heard it from her Andy, who heard it direct from the gent that Mrs Petty said it to, and then my Henry said that's practically official, and I said oh shush Henry, you don't want to be boring everybody with your yabbering, and he said yes dear, he always has to have the last word my Henry I do love him so but he does go on something terrible. Signed, Mrs Analgesic."
How could Fernando not publish this letter? It would be cruel and heartless to not do so, and Fernando is not cruel or heartless. Fernando has the very big heart filled with love for all (except for Carlos, who we do not talk about, and the Quirmian footsballers, the filthy cheaters that they are). So Fernando can assure you that he does not make up any of the letters, they are all "the genuine article" as they say in Ankh-Morpork. Fernando has checked the horoscopes, and the stars say that the hat you like, the one with the cherries and stuffed birds, will be on sale soon, and if you hurry, you can buy it before Mrs Petty.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
"Dear Mr Fernando, due to a thmall mithunderthanding by my former employer, Very Nearly Thane Again Doctor Fauthtith Dithtemper -- when you order thomeone to pull the thwitch on the thircuit, make thure you're not thanding in wet grathth with one hand on the capathitor terminal -- I find mythelf without employment in Ankh-Morpork. I have a thmall thum put athide for emergenthieth, but I wonder whether it would be prudent to vithit my couthin Igor in Thlithe until the Doctor'th will hath been read in cathe hith heirth want it back. What do the thtarth have to thay about thith? Thigned, Igor."
Fernando knows very well the importance of the good communications, and sometimes the importance of avoiding the bad communications. Fernando has checked with the stars, and they say that Slice is too close. Perhaps you have the relatives back in Uberwald you could visit? It is important to see your family, Fernando knows this is true, which is why Fernando always goes back to Brindisi to see his family, even his cousin Donatella, who looks like the terrifying ghoul and behaves just as badly.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
December 2008
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends, it is I, Fernando, and I shall be your astrologer today, for the Lady Asterisk has got her hand stuck in her Hogswatch goose.
Unless you have been hiding in the basement building the machine for modelling the ebb and flow of money through this fine city (but Fernando cannot think of anyone in their right mind who would want to do that), or perhaps you are one of the unfortunates deep in the Patrician's dungeons (but then how would you be reading this, my friend?), then you will be aware that Hogswatch is upon us. In only a few more days, the Hogfather will be bringing presents to those who have been good, and bloody bones for those who have been bad. Fernando is always very good, except once when he was very tired and had the flu, but the signorina and her friend were very understanding and forgiving.
This month, the stars say, is the time for parties -- big parties, small parties, parties for many people and small intimate tete-a-tetes for two. During this month, some of the most powerful men in the city will be having the very large balls, and this requires much careful handling to prevent embarrassment. Even Lord Vetinari, who normally is not a man who has problems with anything, has taken on extra staff to plan and prepare for the Annual Patrician's Charity Ball. Fernando hears that Lord and Lady Rust's plans for their Hogswatch Ball are in complete disarray after their son has shot another butler. Not that Fernando has been counting, but that is the fourth servant this year.
Whether you are catering for the Patrician's Ball, or, how do you say it, having a knees up down the pub, this month is a molto difficile time. There is so much to be planned, so many parties to attend, enemies to be polite to, lesser enemies to snub, friends to pull out of the gutter and carry home, and so much more. At a time like this, Fernando knows that it is more important than ever to have the guidance from the stars, and so this is your guide to the parties. Happy Hogswatch and ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
For Hoggers who are single, or those with understanding wives and husbands, the stars smile on you this month for your party is the singles party. Fernando gets the many invitations to singles parties all year round, but for those who have never been to one before, you can expect many awkward silences, much desperate attempts to impress with the machismo, the occasional cutting remark or face slapping, and, if you are very lucky, a quick and fumbling grope in the corridor with somebody who is not too unpleasant. Fernando is very sorry about this, but if you see him at one of these parties, perhaps he can "set you up", as they say, with the attractive and confident young ladies and gentlemens, since they will all be gathered around Fernando talking to him. Such is Fernando's burden, but he loves to share.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Those born under the sign of the Half-Eaten Sandwich are known as Munchers, but also sometimes as Sandies. So what better party for you than the beach party? The stars agree and say that this is the good time to hire a cart, make up a picnic basket, and go for a day trip down to the Holy Wood beach with your friends. Watch out for sand in your drinks, ants in your food, biting flies, salt water in your eyes, and sharkses. The best thing about a beach party is that you can't go hungry, because of all the sand-witches there! Ha ha, Fernando has made the joke!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians this month will find their party is the stag party. The stars say that this is the best time for you to go out to the woods, drink a lot of scumble (although even a little scumble is a lot), put on a silly hat with enormous fake deer antlers, and run around without your drawers on getting hot and sweaty. Then afterwoods, you can drink more scumble and have a barbecue with all the meats you can eat. Alas, Fernando has the bad news for the lady Hernians -- the stag party is strictly for the mens. But do not be sad, for Fernando knows that the woods near Ankh-Morpork are full of stinging nettle and poison ivy.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For wizards, every night is a night for a dinner party, although for these learned gentlemens the music, good cheer and friendship is not as important as the size of the dinner. For Staffies, the stars suggest that you let your inner wizard out: this is a good time for dinner parties. But be careful, for Fernando knows that sometimes the dinner party can go wrong. Avoid all talk about religion and politics, and beware of the Wow-Wow sauce and home-made grappa. Make sure that you have with you a designated cart driver for the afterwards, because the Watch love to catch the drunk drivers at this time of year.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
If every night is a dinner party for wizards, every night is a cocktail party for Bilians. The stars this month they say that this is an excellent month for the cocktail parties and wine-tasting parties. The cocktails, they are not bad, but Fernando prefers to drink the wine, like his blessed mamma taught him. "Fernando," she told me when I was a small boy, "a drop of vino is good for the digestion, but don't be like that good-for-nothing Bruno who gets drunk every day!" Except she said it in Brindisian, which is a much more beautiful language.
Fernando does not think much of the Ankh-Morpork wines: too much of the Quirmian merda, and the Tsortean wines are only good for the stripping of paint. For the proper wine, full of body and flavour and colour, you need wine made with la passione from the best Brindisian grapes, not the sour Quirmian rubbish. Fernando knows that your parties will be a success if you stick to the real vino from Brindisi.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
For the Snippies, the stars suggest that it is the good month for the garden party. This confused Fernando at first, because the Ankh-Morpork weather is not the best at this time of year. But I have checked and double-checked my calculations, and there is no doubt that the stars say this is the month for garden parties. How can this be?
But then Fernando remembered what the difference between a garden party and a picnic is. If you have invited people called Fred and Sally, and asked them to bring a plate, it is probably the picnic. But if you have had your servants hand-deliver the invitation written on paper with gold edges to people called Lord and Lady Panjandrum, then it is probably a garden party. For those of you who are having the garden party, you can afford to have it at your summer residence in the Tsort islands. For the rest of you, Fernando recommends that you have the thick coats and warm hats, or better still, you have your picnic indoors.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Not for Boring'uns is the wild party lifestyle. It is difficult to be the party animal when a small sherry, a couple of cheese biscuits and bed by 9 o'clock are what you consider to be an exciting night. But the stars understand and they suggest that your party for this month is a quilting party. If the sharp needles and scissors are too worrying, Fernando suggests that you supply the snacks and leave the dangerous implements to others.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies, the stars are saying that this is the good time for the coming-out party. If you are the young lady of the certain age, this is the good month for you to be presented to society. The Ankh-Morpork young gentlemens don't normally have the coming-out party. Fernando is not sure why this is so -- perhaps the young mens are never ready to be presented to polite society?
For the other young mens, the ones who perhaps have the "wide stance", as they say, Fernando can say do not worry my friends, the stars are with you this month. This is a very good month for your very own coming-out party too.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month the stars say your party is the costume party, or "fancy dress" as they say. You can let everyone dress in whatever wild costumes they choose, but the stars suggest that a themed party will be better, although nobody is sure how the wizards will react to a party full of civilians dressed the same as them. Beware though, Fernando knows that you should avoid the toga party, for he has much experience in such matters. Fernando has an uncle Giovanni, not the shoemaker, the other uncle Giovanni, on Fernando's papa's side. For this uncle Giovanni, every party is the toga party. He is always dressed like the old Latinium patron, in a toga with a laurel wreath, and then drinks very much of the vino and climbs on the table and shouts "Food fight" (only in Brindisian, you understand) and throws the food at the bride and groom. It is molto embarressment, and we would like to not invite him, but what can we do? He is family.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
As a Hokian, your birthday is coming up, and the stars say that this is a good time for a Birthday Party. Fernando knows that it would be, of course. It would be silly to have your birthday celebration at a different time of the year, unless you are royalty or a race horse. So Fernando wishes you a molto happy birthday, and the stars say that this year, unlike last, there will be no fights over what our Val said to grandmamma.
Unfortunately, the stars say nothing about embarrassing relatives falling drunk into the punch bowl. Fernando knows you are on your own with that.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Fernando knows that some things are timeless and can be enjoyed by anyone no matter what their age, like Fernando's dearest mamma's melanzana parmigiana, or lying on the soft grass under the shade of a fine old tree on a hot summer's day. Other things are not so universal, and for Gazundians, your party for this month is one of the others, for your party is the pyjama party. So if you are the 15 year old girl, this is a good month to invite your best friends over and talk about boys and Fernando, and play the Truth or Dare game. And if you are the 45 year old man, Fernando understands that Wednesday night is Pyjama Party night at the Pink Pussycat Club. For the rest of you, Fernando is afraid that the stars are not on your side this month.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, your preferred party for this month is the surprise party, although Fernando is saddened that by telling you this, it will no longer be a surprise for you. But surprise parties are not just for receiving, they are also for giving, and the stars say that this month you should give surprise parties for your friends and family. Why wait until their birthday or anniversary? There is nothing more surprising than a birthday party six months before the guest of honour's birthday, except perhaps for a cake with Fernando in it.
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends, it is I, Fernando, and I shall be your astrologer today, for the Lady Asterisk has got her hand stuck in her Hogswatch goose.
Unless you have been hiding in the basement building the machine for modelling the ebb and flow of money through this fine city (but Fernando cannot think of anyone in their right mind who would want to do that), or perhaps you are one of the unfortunates deep in the Patrician's dungeons (but then how would you be reading this, my friend?), then you will be aware that Hogswatch is upon us. In only a few more days, the Hogfather will be bringing presents to those who have been good, and bloody bones for those who have been bad. Fernando is always very good, except once when he was very tired and had the flu, but the signorina and her friend were very understanding and forgiving.
This month, the stars say, is the time for parties -- big parties, small parties, parties for many people and small intimate tete-a-tetes for two. During this month, some of the most powerful men in the city will be having the very large balls, and this requires much careful handling to prevent embarrassment. Even Lord Vetinari, who normally is not a man who has problems with anything, has taken on extra staff to plan and prepare for the Annual Patrician's Charity Ball. Fernando hears that Lord and Lady Rust's plans for their Hogswatch Ball are in complete disarray after their son has shot another butler. Not that Fernando has been counting, but that is the fourth servant this year.
Whether you are catering for the Patrician's Ball, or, how do you say it, having a knees up down the pub, this month is a molto difficile time. There is so much to be planned, so many parties to attend, enemies to be polite to, lesser enemies to snub, friends to pull out of the gutter and carry home, and so much more. At a time like this, Fernando knows that it is more important than ever to have the guidance from the stars, and so this is your guide to the parties. Happy Hogswatch and ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
For Hoggers who are single, or those with understanding wives and husbands, the stars smile on you this month for your party is the singles party. Fernando gets the many invitations to singles parties all year round, but for those who have never been to one before, you can expect many awkward silences, much desperate attempts to impress with the machismo, the occasional cutting remark or face slapping, and, if you are very lucky, a quick and fumbling grope in the corridor with somebody who is not too unpleasant. Fernando is very sorry about this, but if you see him at one of these parties, perhaps he can "set you up", as they say, with the attractive and confident young ladies and gentlemens, since they will all be gathered around Fernando talking to him. Such is Fernando's burden, but he loves to share.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Those born under the sign of the Half-Eaten Sandwich are known as Munchers, but also sometimes as Sandies. So what better party for you than the beach party? The stars agree and say that this is the good time to hire a cart, make up a picnic basket, and go for a day trip down to the Holy Wood beach with your friends. Watch out for sand in your drinks, ants in your food, biting flies, salt water in your eyes, and sharkses. The best thing about a beach party is that you can't go hungry, because of all the sand-witches there! Ha ha, Fernando has made the joke!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians this month will find their party is the stag party. The stars say that this is the best time for you to go out to the woods, drink a lot of scumble (although even a little scumble is a lot), put on a silly hat with enormous fake deer antlers, and run around without your drawers on getting hot and sweaty. Then afterwoods, you can drink more scumble and have a barbecue with all the meats you can eat. Alas, Fernando has the bad news for the lady Hernians -- the stag party is strictly for the mens. But do not be sad, for Fernando knows that the woods near Ankh-Morpork are full of stinging nettle and poison ivy.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For wizards, every night is a night for a dinner party, although for these learned gentlemens the music, good cheer and friendship is not as important as the size of the dinner. For Staffies, the stars suggest that you let your inner wizard out: this is a good time for dinner parties. But be careful, for Fernando knows that sometimes the dinner party can go wrong. Avoid all talk about religion and politics, and beware of the Wow-Wow sauce and home-made grappa. Make sure that you have with you a designated cart driver for the afterwards, because the Watch love to catch the drunk drivers at this time of year.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
If every night is a dinner party for wizards, every night is a cocktail party for Bilians. The stars this month they say that this is an excellent month for the cocktail parties and wine-tasting parties. The cocktails, they are not bad, but Fernando prefers to drink the wine, like his blessed mamma taught him. "Fernando," she told me when I was a small boy, "a drop of vino is good for the digestion, but don't be like that good-for-nothing Bruno who gets drunk every day!" Except she said it in Brindisian, which is a much more beautiful language.
Fernando does not think much of the Ankh-Morpork wines: too much of the Quirmian merda, and the Tsortean wines are only good for the stripping of paint. For the proper wine, full of body and flavour and colour, you need wine made with la passione from the best Brindisian grapes, not the sour Quirmian rubbish. Fernando knows that your parties will be a success if you stick to the real vino from Brindisi.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
For the Snippies, the stars suggest that it is the good month for the garden party. This confused Fernando at first, because the Ankh-Morpork weather is not the best at this time of year. But I have checked and double-checked my calculations, and there is no doubt that the stars say this is the month for garden parties. How can this be?
But then Fernando remembered what the difference between a garden party and a picnic is. If you have invited people called Fred and Sally, and asked them to bring a plate, it is probably the picnic. But if you have had your servants hand-deliver the invitation written on paper with gold edges to people called Lord and Lady Panjandrum, then it is probably a garden party. For those of you who are having the garden party, you can afford to have it at your summer residence in the Tsort islands. For the rest of you, Fernando recommends that you have the thick coats and warm hats, or better still, you have your picnic indoors.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Not for Boring'uns is the wild party lifestyle. It is difficult to be the party animal when a small sherry, a couple of cheese biscuits and bed by 9 o'clock are what you consider to be an exciting night. But the stars understand and they suggest that your party for this month is a quilting party. If the sharp needles and scissors are too worrying, Fernando suggests that you supply the snacks and leave the dangerous implements to others.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies, the stars are saying that this is the good time for the coming-out party. If you are the young lady of the certain age, this is the good month for you to be presented to society. The Ankh-Morpork young gentlemens don't normally have the coming-out party. Fernando is not sure why this is so -- perhaps the young mens are never ready to be presented to polite society?
For the other young mens, the ones who perhaps have the "wide stance", as they say, Fernando can say do not worry my friends, the stars are with you this month. This is a very good month for your very own coming-out party too.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month the stars say your party is the costume party, or "fancy dress" as they say. You can let everyone dress in whatever wild costumes they choose, but the stars suggest that a themed party will be better, although nobody is sure how the wizards will react to a party full of civilians dressed the same as them. Beware though, Fernando knows that you should avoid the toga party, for he has much experience in such matters. Fernando has an uncle Giovanni, not the shoemaker, the other uncle Giovanni, on Fernando's papa's side. For this uncle Giovanni, every party is the toga party. He is always dressed like the old Latinium patron, in a toga with a laurel wreath, and then drinks very much of the vino and climbs on the table and shouts "Food fight" (only in Brindisian, you understand) and throws the food at the bride and groom. It is molto embarressment, and we would like to not invite him, but what can we do? He is family.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
As a Hokian, your birthday is coming up, and the stars say that this is a good time for a Birthday Party. Fernando knows that it would be, of course. It would be silly to have your birthday celebration at a different time of the year, unless you are royalty or a race horse. So Fernando wishes you a molto happy birthday, and the stars say that this year, unlike last, there will be no fights over what our Val said to grandmamma.
Unfortunately, the stars say nothing about embarrassing relatives falling drunk into the punch bowl. Fernando knows you are on your own with that.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Fernando knows that some things are timeless and can be enjoyed by anyone no matter what their age, like Fernando's dearest mamma's melanzana parmigiana, or lying on the soft grass under the shade of a fine old tree on a hot summer's day. Other things are not so universal, and for Gazundians, your party for this month is one of the others, for your party is the pyjama party. So if you are the 15 year old girl, this is a good month to invite your best friends over and talk about boys and Fernando, and play the Truth or Dare game. And if you are the 45 year old man, Fernando understands that Wednesday night is Pyjama Party night at the Pink Pussycat Club. For the rest of you, Fernando is afraid that the stars are not on your side this month.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, your preferred party for this month is the surprise party, although Fernando is saddened that by telling you this, it will no longer be a surprise for you. But surprise parties are not just for receiving, they are also for giving, and the stars say that this month you should give surprise parties for your friends and family. Why wait until their birthday or anniversary? There is nothing more surprising than a birthday party six months before the guest of honour's birthday, except perhaps for a cake with Fernando in it.
We Three Hags, Ane Hogswatche Carol
WEIRD ALICE PRESENTS...
WE THREE HAGS, ANE HOGSWATCHE CAROL
NANNY, GRANNY AND MAGRAT:
We three Hags Lancrastian are
Straddling brooms, we travel afar
Hearth and privy, pub and smithy
Casting our spells bizarre
Ohh...
Stars of Lancre, stern in black
Dames in regal pointy hats
Hubwards breezing, nethers freezing
Witches three who've got the knack
VERENCE:
Born a Fool, yet destined to reign
Never cruel though sometimes a pain
King well-meaning -- New Age-leaning
Sensible, in the main
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, staunch and meek
Castle sanitation geek
Bells a-clinking, forward-thinking
Modernise your farm techniques
MAGRAT:
Frank but senseless, soppy am I
Wrinkled gowns and head in the sky
Sweet tomfool'ry, occult jewellery
"Wet as a hen," they sigh
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, star-crossed Queen
Star of herbal research scene
Keen defender, nappy-mender
Keeping Ynci's armour clean
NANNY:
Scumble mine, 'tis boozy perfume
Breath like fire can clear a big room
Girlish in spirit, bawling lyrics
Bawdy and rude -- boom-boom!
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, super-Gran
Head of matriarchal clan
Crude and chummy, Greebo's Mummy
Who can fix things? Nanny can!
GRANNY:
Hogswatch parties? Sausages fat?
Ha! I can't be having with that!
Bees I'll borrow near and far, so
I can patrol my patch
ALL:
Ohh...
Stars of Lancre, wyrd and wise
We've no need to advertise
Maiden, mother, and the... other
Guarding all 'neath Lancre's skies
-- Alice
For the original lyrics to the carol We Three Kings, go to:
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/w/e/wethree.htm
WE THREE HAGS, ANE HOGSWATCHE CAROL
NANNY, GRANNY AND MAGRAT:
We three Hags Lancrastian are
Straddling brooms, we travel afar
Hearth and privy, pub and smithy
Casting our spells bizarre
Ohh...
Stars of Lancre, stern in black
Dames in regal pointy hats
Hubwards breezing, nethers freezing
Witches three who've got the knack
VERENCE:
Born a Fool, yet destined to reign
Never cruel though sometimes a pain
King well-meaning -- New Age-leaning
Sensible, in the main
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, staunch and meek
Castle sanitation geek
Bells a-clinking, forward-thinking
Modernise your farm techniques
MAGRAT:
Frank but senseless, soppy am I
Wrinkled gowns and head in the sky
Sweet tomfool'ry, occult jewellery
"Wet as a hen," they sigh
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, star-crossed Queen
Star of herbal research scene
Keen defender, nappy-mender
Keeping Ynci's armour clean
NANNY:
Scumble mine, 'tis boozy perfume
Breath like fire can clear a big room
Girlish in spirit, bawling lyrics
Bawdy and rude -- boom-boom!
Ohh...
Star of Lancre, super-Gran
Head of matriarchal clan
Crude and chummy, Greebo's Mummy
Who can fix things? Nanny can!
GRANNY:
Hogswatch parties? Sausages fat?
Ha! I can't be having with that!
Bees I'll borrow near and far, so
I can patrol my patch
ALL:
Ohh...
Stars of Lancre, wyrd and wise
We've no need to advertise
Maiden, mother, and the... other
Guarding all 'neath Lancre's skies
-- Alice
For the original lyrics to the carol We Three Kings, go to:
http://www.cyberhymnal.org/htm/w/e/wethree.htm
Sunday, November 30, 2008
November 2008
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando, your astrologer today as the bellissima Lady Asterisk has come down with a bad case of the chives.
My friends, you may remember two months ago that Fernando's astrological charts disappeared under the very mysterious circumstances. Fernando's heart was crushed by his failure to be your astrologer, but he promised not to rest until he has discovered what fiend or diavolo would steal his star charts and leave you, my dearest readers, without your horoscope for the month. And this is what Fernando has done: Fernando has walked the streets of Ankh-Morpork tirelessly, he has visited the worst dens of iniquity and the lowest dive bars, and has consorted with all sorts of ruffians. Fernando has left no palm ungreased, no street unwalked, for nothing shall get in the way of Fernando's promise to "get to the underneath of" this mystery, as they say in Ankh-Morpork.
Fernando's tireless investigation has been successful, for I have discovered what afeared me last month: the shame of Brindisi, Carlos, that despoiler and corruptor of youth, that vain, conceited, shameless, brazen, swaggering popinjay, with his flowing hair and tight pantaloons and silk shirts, has arrived in Ankh-Morpork. Morporkia, beware!!! Lock up your sons and daughters!!! But do not fear, my friends, for Fernando is here, and so long as he can draw breath into his broad, manly chest, he shall not let the mocker and pretender Carlos lay waste to lovely Morporkia.
It is fitting that Fernando continues to investigate this mystery, for this month the stars too have much to say about mysteries. For is it not true that there is a lot that happens that we do not know about? Mysteries like, who is the werewolf in the Watch? How does Fernando look so good in his tight pantaloons and silk shirts? What was Fernando's cousin Tomas doing up the tree overlooking the nurses' dormitories outside the Lady Sybil Free Hospital? What do the Nac Mac Feegles wear under their kilts? Read on, my friends, to learn what the stars have to say about these, and many other, mysteries. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your mystery this month is, "Who is the werewolf in the Watch?"
One of the worst-kept secrets on the Disc is that the City Watch of Ankh-Morpork has a werewolf working for them, but nobody knows who the werewolf is. Word on the street is that it must be Corporal Nobby Nobbs, but Fernando is unconvinced. Fernando has asked the stars, and can reveal for the first time the secret truth: the stars say that it is no less than Commander His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes himself who has a terrible beast inside him, a fearsome, ferocious monster kept barely leashed by the famous Vimes iron will.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Your mystery is: "Why do fools fall in love?"
Ah, my friends, this is the most beautiful mystery of all, "il mistero di amore" as we say in Brindisi, the mystery of love. Fernando knows that all people in love are the magnificente fools, or even the Fools like the King Verence of Lancre. As the famous song says, "Perché gli uccelli compaiono improvvisamente? Poiché vogliono essere vicine a voi." Fernando has been the fool for love many, many times, for Fernando has molto grande love in him, enough for all (except perhaps Carlos, who does not love as Fernando loves). Perhaps the stars know why fools fall in love, but they are not saying. For Fernando, it is enough that they do. Viva il mistero!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your mystery is: "What are the Dwarf Devices?"
Fernando hears that Lord Vetinari's wonderful new plans for the Undertaking are based on a device found under the city, known as the Device. It seems the Dwarfs have known about Devices for years beyond reckoning, but the origin of the Devices is lost in the mists of time, and even the Dwarfs don't know who created them, what they were for, when they were built, or how they work. The stars too have nothing to say about them, which is very unusual, but perhaps one of you Hernians will be the one to solve this mystery. For Fernando knows that when it comes to Hernians, all life is a mystery, mostly the mystery of "Why is everyone chasing me again?" and "Why does everything in Nature have such big teeth?"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your mystery is: "Why does the wizard's staff have a knob on the end?"
Some say that the knob on the end is for the benefit of the wizard, to protect him from dark magicks and occult forces. Others say that the knob on the end is for the benefit of others, to prevent the staff's magic from leaking out and grounding itself through innocent bystanders, or at least bystanders. Fernando hears that Archchancellor Ridcully of Unseen University says that the knob on the end is to give the staff extra weight, for those times when magic fails and a wizard needs to take a swing at a problem. But the stars suggest yet another reason: the knob on the end is to prevent the wizard's hand from sliding off the staff during some of the more energetic gestures.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your mystery is: "Why are sheeps found facing the other way?"
Sheeps farmers have known of a mysterious phenomenumenumenum for generations. The sheeps will be seen in the field, and the very next morning they will be facing the other way, without anybody having turned them around. Fernando has consulted the stars about this, and they say that the mystery is caused by strange quantum phenomenumenumenums, the 'fluence of the Disc's standing magical field on the sheeps, but most of all, by the farmers liking to play the practical jokes on city people.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Your mystery is: "What happened to the Merry Celery? And why were the captain's boots found 250 miles away, in the Morpork mountains, still smoking?"
The mystery of the disappearing ship Merry Celery is known all over the Disc. During the rule of the Patrician Winder, as the ship was entering Ankh-Morpork port with a cargo of Bearhugger's Whiskey, bottled Wow-Wow Sauce, Agatean fireworks and flints, there was a mysterious flash of light, a mysterious loud noise described by eyewitnesses as "a really loud noise, like a million souls cried out Bang! and then were suddenly silenced", and the entire ship just disappeared. Lord Winder blamed it on a party of Zoons and had them executed, but he was always doing that sort of thing. Many people have studied the mystery of the Merry Celery, and blamed it on alchemists, dwarfs, trolls, Klatchians, left-over sourcery from the Mage Wars, and wood-worm, but Fernando is the first who has consulted the stars and can reveal the truth: the ship and its poor crew were caught in a quantum-electrical energy shift which caused every molecule of their beings to suddenly separate at high speed. As for the captain's boots, the Gods will have their fun.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Your mystery is: "What is the secret of the missing socks?"
Why do socks disappear when you wash them? Why is it only one sock of the pair that always disappears? Fernando has learned that socks disappear because they are eaten by a mystical (but not mythical) bird called the Eater of Socks. Wherever there are socks or stockings being washed, the Eater of Socks is there to eat one. But only one. There can only be one.
The stars also suggest that sometimes socks go missing because they are used as weapons that kill people and leave buildings standing. Fernando does not understand what the stars mean by this, for surely not even Foul Ole Ron's socks could smell that terrible.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your mystery: the BeTrobi Quadrangle
One of the strangest areas on the Disc is the BeTrobi Quadrangle, reaching between the BeTrobi Islands and the Counterweight Continent. Ships in the Quadrangle disappear, sometimes even the witches on their broomsticks disappear, never to be seen again. Fernando's paesano Vincento Gambi, who used to make the unofficial imports from Agatea, told me that he had once seen a two-headed whale with two bodies in the Quadrangle. What causes the Quadrangle to be so mysterioso? Is it a gateway to another dimension? Are there strong winds and currents that blow the ships over the Hub? Are the Quirmians to blame? Gnarly ground over the water? Giant pockets of gas released from the ocean floor? Fernando has consulted the stars, and they say: giant waterspouts, monstrous waterspouts with teeth like sabres and claws like spears, or perhaps the other way around, rising from the ocean like a diavlo.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Your mystery: "What was Fernando's cousin Tomas doing up the tree overlooking the nurses' dormitories outside the Lady Sybil Free Hospital, and how did his pants end up in a completely different tree?"
Fernando would like to give you the stars' answer to this question, but he has been advised by Tomas' lawyer that to do so might hurt his client's chances of getting off. Fernando is very much sorry, but you will understand: Tomas is family.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Your mystery is: "What do gnolls keep in their wheelbarrows?"
To the untrained observer, the gnolls' wheelbarrows look like they are piled high with garbage, but many people have wondered if that could possibly be all they carry? Fernando has consulted the stars, and they have answered the question: "Everything".
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Your mystery is: "Is there a talking dog in Ankh-Morpork?"
Fernando had hardly been in the city for a week when he started to hear stories of a talking dog. No two of the stories are alike: some people say the dog is a great hound, as big as a bear and twice as fierce, working for the Thieves' Guild as enforcer. Others say it is a sausage dog from Uberwald, or the Chairman of the Royal Bank, Mr Fusspot. The stars say that the werewolves know, but they won't tell. Fernando has made his own enquiries, and can reveal that it is a poodle with pink fur. But the stars also say that all is not as it seems.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Your mystery: "What do the Nac Mac Feegles wear under their kilts?"
Fernando has spoken to many people who have met the pictsies and survived, and consulted the stars, and he has learned that the Feegles go al fresco under their kilts. Fernando is a seeker of truth, but even he thinks that the real mystery is why anyone would like to know what the Feegles wear under their kilts.
And finally, Fernando has solved a mystery for all the signs: "How does Fernando look so good in his tight pantaloons and silk shirts?" My friends, Fernando is a very modest man, and it pains him to talk about himself, but his sainted mamma taught him to always be honest, and the stars have spoken. Who is Fernando to go against the wishes of the stars? Fernando looks so good in his pantaloons and shirts because Fernando has the excellente taste in the clothings, and also because Fernando looks magnificent without his pantaloons and shirts. As they say in Brindisi, "non puoi fare un portafolio di seta da un orecchio di maiale", and Fernando is not the ear of the pig.
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando, your astrologer today as the bellissima Lady Asterisk has come down with a bad case of the chives.
My friends, you may remember two months ago that Fernando's astrological charts disappeared under the very mysterious circumstances. Fernando's heart was crushed by his failure to be your astrologer, but he promised not to rest until he has discovered what fiend or diavolo would steal his star charts and leave you, my dearest readers, without your horoscope for the month. And this is what Fernando has done: Fernando has walked the streets of Ankh-Morpork tirelessly, he has visited the worst dens of iniquity and the lowest dive bars, and has consorted with all sorts of ruffians. Fernando has left no palm ungreased, no street unwalked, for nothing shall get in the way of Fernando's promise to "get to the underneath of" this mystery, as they say in Ankh-Morpork.
Fernando's tireless investigation has been successful, for I have discovered what afeared me last month: the shame of Brindisi, Carlos, that despoiler and corruptor of youth, that vain, conceited, shameless, brazen, swaggering popinjay, with his flowing hair and tight pantaloons and silk shirts, has arrived in Ankh-Morpork. Morporkia, beware!!! Lock up your sons and daughters!!! But do not fear, my friends, for Fernando is here, and so long as he can draw breath into his broad, manly chest, he shall not let the mocker and pretender Carlos lay waste to lovely Morporkia.
It is fitting that Fernando continues to investigate this mystery, for this month the stars too have much to say about mysteries. For is it not true that there is a lot that happens that we do not know about? Mysteries like, who is the werewolf in the Watch? How does Fernando look so good in his tight pantaloons and silk shirts? What was Fernando's cousin Tomas doing up the tree overlooking the nurses' dormitories outside the Lady Sybil Free Hospital? What do the Nac Mac Feegles wear under their kilts? Read on, my friends, to learn what the stars have to say about these, and many other, mysteries. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your mystery this month is, "Who is the werewolf in the Watch?"
One of the worst-kept secrets on the Disc is that the City Watch of Ankh-Morpork has a werewolf working for them, but nobody knows who the werewolf is. Word on the street is that it must be Corporal Nobby Nobbs, but Fernando is unconvinced. Fernando has asked the stars, and can reveal for the first time the secret truth: the stars say that it is no less than Commander His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes himself who has a terrible beast inside him, a fearsome, ferocious monster kept barely leashed by the famous Vimes iron will.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Your mystery is: "Why do fools fall in love?"
Ah, my friends, this is the most beautiful mystery of all, "il mistero di amore" as we say in Brindisi, the mystery of love. Fernando knows that all people in love are the magnificente fools, or even the Fools like the King Verence of Lancre. As the famous song says, "Perché gli uccelli compaiono improvvisamente? Poiché vogliono essere vicine a voi." Fernando has been the fool for love many, many times, for Fernando has molto grande love in him, enough for all (except perhaps Carlos, who does not love as Fernando loves). Perhaps the stars know why fools fall in love, but they are not saying. For Fernando, it is enough that they do. Viva il mistero!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your mystery is: "What are the Dwarf Devices?"
Fernando hears that Lord Vetinari's wonderful new plans for the Undertaking are based on a device found under the city, known as the Device. It seems the Dwarfs have known about Devices for years beyond reckoning, but the origin of the Devices is lost in the mists of time, and even the Dwarfs don't know who created them, what they were for, when they were built, or how they work. The stars too have nothing to say about them, which is very unusual, but perhaps one of you Hernians will be the one to solve this mystery. For Fernando knows that when it comes to Hernians, all life is a mystery, mostly the mystery of "Why is everyone chasing me again?" and "Why does everything in Nature have such big teeth?"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your mystery is: "Why does the wizard's staff have a knob on the end?"
Some say that the knob on the end is for the benefit of the wizard, to protect him from dark magicks and occult forces. Others say that the knob on the end is for the benefit of others, to prevent the staff's magic from leaking out and grounding itself through innocent bystanders, or at least bystanders. Fernando hears that Archchancellor Ridcully of Unseen University says that the knob on the end is to give the staff extra weight, for those times when magic fails and a wizard needs to take a swing at a problem. But the stars suggest yet another reason: the knob on the end is to prevent the wizard's hand from sliding off the staff during some of the more energetic gestures.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your mystery is: "Why are sheeps found facing the other way?"
Sheeps farmers have known of a mysterious phenomenumenumenum for generations. The sheeps will be seen in the field, and the very next morning they will be facing the other way, without anybody having turned them around. Fernando has consulted the stars about this, and they say that the mystery is caused by strange quantum phenomenumenumenums, the 'fluence of the Disc's standing magical field on the sheeps, but most of all, by the farmers liking to play the practical jokes on city people.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Your mystery is: "What happened to the Merry Celery? And why were the captain's boots found 250 miles away, in the Morpork mountains, still smoking?"
The mystery of the disappearing ship Merry Celery is known all over the Disc. During the rule of the Patrician Winder, as the ship was entering Ankh-Morpork port with a cargo of Bearhugger's Whiskey, bottled Wow-Wow Sauce, Agatean fireworks and flints, there was a mysterious flash of light, a mysterious loud noise described by eyewitnesses as "a really loud noise, like a million souls cried out Bang! and then were suddenly silenced", and the entire ship just disappeared. Lord Winder blamed it on a party of Zoons and had them executed, but he was always doing that sort of thing. Many people have studied the mystery of the Merry Celery, and blamed it on alchemists, dwarfs, trolls, Klatchians, left-over sourcery from the Mage Wars, and wood-worm, but Fernando is the first who has consulted the stars and can reveal the truth: the ship and its poor crew were caught in a quantum-electrical energy shift which caused every molecule of their beings to suddenly separate at high speed. As for the captain's boots, the Gods will have their fun.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Your mystery is: "What is the secret of the missing socks?"
Why do socks disappear when you wash them? Why is it only one sock of the pair that always disappears? Fernando has learned that socks disappear because they are eaten by a mystical (but not mythical) bird called the Eater of Socks. Wherever there are socks or stockings being washed, the Eater of Socks is there to eat one. But only one. There can only be one.
The stars also suggest that sometimes socks go missing because they are used as weapons that kill people and leave buildings standing. Fernando does not understand what the stars mean by this, for surely not even Foul Ole Ron's socks could smell that terrible.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your mystery: the BeTrobi Quadrangle
One of the strangest areas on the Disc is the BeTrobi Quadrangle, reaching between the BeTrobi Islands and the Counterweight Continent. Ships in the Quadrangle disappear, sometimes even the witches on their broomsticks disappear, never to be seen again. Fernando's paesano Vincento Gambi, who used to make the unofficial imports from Agatea, told me that he had once seen a two-headed whale with two bodies in the Quadrangle. What causes the Quadrangle to be so mysterioso? Is it a gateway to another dimension? Are there strong winds and currents that blow the ships over the Hub? Are the Quirmians to blame? Gnarly ground over the water? Giant pockets of gas released from the ocean floor? Fernando has consulted the stars, and they say: giant waterspouts, monstrous waterspouts with teeth like sabres and claws like spears, or perhaps the other way around, rising from the ocean like a diavlo.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Your mystery: "What was Fernando's cousin Tomas doing up the tree overlooking the nurses' dormitories outside the Lady Sybil Free Hospital, and how did his pants end up in a completely different tree?"
Fernando would like to give you the stars' answer to this question, but he has been advised by Tomas' lawyer that to do so might hurt his client's chances of getting off. Fernando is very much sorry, but you will understand: Tomas is family.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Your mystery is: "What do gnolls keep in their wheelbarrows?"
To the untrained observer, the gnolls' wheelbarrows look like they are piled high with garbage, but many people have wondered if that could possibly be all they carry? Fernando has consulted the stars, and they have answered the question: "Everything".
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Your mystery is: "Is there a talking dog in Ankh-Morpork?"
Fernando had hardly been in the city for a week when he started to hear stories of a talking dog. No two of the stories are alike: some people say the dog is a great hound, as big as a bear and twice as fierce, working for the Thieves' Guild as enforcer. Others say it is a sausage dog from Uberwald, or the Chairman of the Royal Bank, Mr Fusspot. The stars say that the werewolves know, but they won't tell. Fernando has made his own enquiries, and can reveal that it is a poodle with pink fur. But the stars also say that all is not as it seems.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Your mystery: "What do the Nac Mac Feegles wear under their kilts?"
Fernando has spoken to many people who have met the pictsies and survived, and consulted the stars, and he has learned that the Feegles go al fresco under their kilts. Fernando is a seeker of truth, but even he thinks that the real mystery is why anyone would like to know what the Feegles wear under their kilts.
And finally, Fernando has solved a mystery for all the signs: "How does Fernando look so good in his tight pantaloons and silk shirts?" My friends, Fernando is a very modest man, and it pains him to talk about himself, but his sainted mamma taught him to always be honest, and the stars have spoken. Who is Fernando to go against the wishes of the stars? Fernando looks so good in his pantaloons and shirts because Fernando has the excellente taste in the clothings, and also because Fernando looks magnificent without his pantaloons and shirts. As they say in Brindisi, "non puoi fare un portafolio di seta da un orecchio di maiale", and Fernando is not the ear of the pig.
The Dibbler and the Alchemist
(a tale of Moving Pictures)
The sun shone on the Circle Sea, shone there as small suns can
He did his very best to make bright lights for Beast and Man
And this was odd, because it was
Deserted beachfront land
The moon was shining sulkily behind Great T'Phon's trunk
She'd got no business to be there but she was in a funk
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To highlight ancient junk!"
The sea was calm from Rim to shore, the sands without rainfall
You could not see a crowd, because the crowd were corpses all
No priest called out Performances
There was no priest to call
The Dibbler and the Alchemist were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see such property unplanned
"If this were only put to use,"
They said, "we'd make ten grand!"
"If several men with several imps worked on from dawn til tea
Do you suppose," the Dibbler said,
"That we could wrap Reel Three?"
"I doubt it," said the Alchemist, and sighed impotently.
"O actors, come and walk with us!" The Dibbler made his pitch
"A few hours' work (not counting perks)
Will roll without a hitch
We cannot lose, this golden shore
Is bound to make us rich."
The famous Gaspode looked at him with never a bark of "Cheers!"
The famous Gaspode bared his teeth
And scratched his flea-bit ears
Meaning to say this enterprise
Was bound to end in tears.
But more young hopefuls hurried up all keen to make their name
Their thoughts were fogged, their faces blank,
Their hearts immune to shame
And this was odd, because, you know,
They knew not why they came.
More would-be click-stars followed them, and yet another crew
Quick as they could, to Holy Wood, to make their dreams come true
While painting wooden scenery
And eating Borgle's stoo.
The Dibbler and the Alchemist worked on a month or so,
And then they rested on a rock (in fact, a disguised troll)
Then totted up percentages
And said, "We're on a roll!"
"The time has come," the Dibbler said, "To talk, and let's be frank
Of Passione, fire, and elephants. Of premieres on the Ankh
And why the world has all Gone Madde
And how to fill the bank."
"But wait a bit," young Victor cried, "Before we leave this shore;
For Ginger's in the grip of Things behind the magic Door!"
"No worries!" said the Alchemist.
"We're thaumless to the core."
"A Wonder Dog," the Dibbler said, "Is what this epic needs
Adverts subliminal besides, and two romantic leads
Now if you're ready, handlemen,
Bring on the dashing deeds!"
"Here comes de Syn!" the public cried, giving the stars their due
Beauty and beasts all on display; the Wizards came to view
"How puzzling," the Patrician said,
"I'm less well-known than you?"
"It was so kind of you to come, in fog as thick as steam!"
Then Bezam Planter's daughter played the Dungeon Dimensions theme
All patrons were transfixed until
The crowd began to scream!
"In Ribobe's name," young Victor said, "I curse you, now depart!"
Gigantic Ginger grabbed an ape and climbed the Tower of Art
Then Victor conjured horse and sword
And played it from the heart.
"I weep for me," the Dibbler said: "Alas, my empire dies."
With sobs and tears he sauntered off to more familiar lies,
Back to a life behind a cart
Of sausages and pies.
"Oh, buggrit," said the Alchemist, "My grand career is gone!
Shall I be trotting homeward now
To face a jobless dawn?
The world is back to sane again..."
...but Holy Wood dreams on...
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original poem The Walrus and the
Carpenter, by Lewis Carroll, can be found at:
http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/walrus.html
The sun shone on the Circle Sea, shone there as small suns can
He did his very best to make bright lights for Beast and Man
And this was odd, because it was
Deserted beachfront land
The moon was shining sulkily behind Great T'Phon's trunk
She'd got no business to be there but she was in a funk
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To highlight ancient junk!"
The sea was calm from Rim to shore, the sands without rainfall
You could not see a crowd, because the crowd were corpses all
No priest called out Performances
There was no priest to call
The Dibbler and the Alchemist were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see such property unplanned
"If this were only put to use,"
They said, "we'd make ten grand!"
"If several men with several imps worked on from dawn til tea
Do you suppose," the Dibbler said,
"That we could wrap Reel Three?"
"I doubt it," said the Alchemist, and sighed impotently.
"O actors, come and walk with us!" The Dibbler made his pitch
"A few hours' work (not counting perks)
Will roll without a hitch
We cannot lose, this golden shore
Is bound to make us rich."
The famous Gaspode looked at him with never a bark of "Cheers!"
The famous Gaspode bared his teeth
And scratched his flea-bit ears
Meaning to say this enterprise
Was bound to end in tears.
But more young hopefuls hurried up all keen to make their name
Their thoughts were fogged, their faces blank,
Their hearts immune to shame
And this was odd, because, you know,
They knew not why they came.
More would-be click-stars followed them, and yet another crew
Quick as they could, to Holy Wood, to make their dreams come true
While painting wooden scenery
And eating Borgle's stoo.
The Dibbler and the Alchemist worked on a month or so,
And then they rested on a rock (in fact, a disguised troll)
Then totted up percentages
And said, "We're on a roll!"
"The time has come," the Dibbler said, "To talk, and let's be frank
Of Passione, fire, and elephants. Of premieres on the Ankh
And why the world has all Gone Madde
And how to fill the bank."
"But wait a bit," young Victor cried, "Before we leave this shore;
For Ginger's in the grip of Things behind the magic Door!"
"No worries!" said the Alchemist.
"We're thaumless to the core."
"A Wonder Dog," the Dibbler said, "Is what this epic needs
Adverts subliminal besides, and two romantic leads
Now if you're ready, handlemen,
Bring on the dashing deeds!"
"Here comes de Syn!" the public cried, giving the stars their due
Beauty and beasts all on display; the Wizards came to view
"How puzzling," the Patrician said,
"I'm less well-known than you?"
"It was so kind of you to come, in fog as thick as steam!"
Then Bezam Planter's daughter played the Dungeon Dimensions theme
All patrons were transfixed until
The crowd began to scream!
"In Ribobe's name," young Victor said, "I curse you, now depart!"
Gigantic Ginger grabbed an ape and climbed the Tower of Art
Then Victor conjured horse and sword
And played it from the heart.
"I weep for me," the Dibbler said: "Alas, my empire dies."
With sobs and tears he sauntered off to more familiar lies,
Back to a life behind a cart
Of sausages and pies.
"Oh, buggrit," said the Alchemist, "My grand career is gone!
Shall I be trotting homeward now
To face a jobless dawn?
The world is back to sane again..."
...but Holy Wood dreams on...
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original poem The Walrus and the
Carpenter, by Lewis Carroll, can be found at:
http://www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/walrus.html
Friday, October 31, 2008
Clog Post 16 with Rockin' Round The Discworld
THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC
Post 16. HOMEWARD BOUND
This will only be a shortish Clog, because I'm off at last! All my possessions have been returned by the Watch, with nothing missing, and I'm packed and ready to go.
Looking back on my months here, I'd have to say I'm happy -- feeling glad; I've got Ankhstones in my bag; I'm luteless, but not for long; my lucre is coming on... all in all, not a bad way for this wandering Bard to end a long and eventful stay in Ankh-Morpork.
Today was a chilly Sektober morning, still dark outside, and raining just a bit. We left the Palace under cover of Dawn (One Glorious Dawn, that is; a very friendly Agatean immigrant who's recently joined the Palace Guard, having arrived with references from the Emperor Cohen himself), who thoughtfully provided us with shelter under his cloak as we scuttled through the early morning streets. Not many people about at this time of day, although I could hear the ripe swearing of traders setting up their stalls in Sator Square and the dull clonks of King's men collecting night-soil buckets... typical charming A-M street sounds, I'll almost miss them.
It's also a good thing I still have my Personal Demonicommunication Activator -- otherwise I'd be buried in reams of Clacks flimsies. So many good-luck and thank-you and sad-you're-leaving messages from people all over (and under) the city! I've been reading through them while I wait for my coach... The ladies at Mrs Palm's ordered me a saucygram, but the Palace guards wouldn't let him in, so I was treated instead to a, shall we say, eye-popping performance in the coaching yard as our baggage was being stowed! The coachmen were very amused. As for the saucygram himself, I have to say he certainly was all there (yes, I got his C-mail address; never know when one might want a male stripper to make housecalls in Lost Wages). After he put his clothes back on, he kindly gave me the Woo Hon Ling catalogue I promised to take home for 'the girls'. I'm sure it will provide me with many interesting hours of reading on my journey...
Listeria, Lucrezia and Anaglypta came along to see me off. We got quite teary! I thought Listeria might be joining me on the first leg of the trip, because she mentioned having to make a stop in Sto Helit before setting off again around the Disc, but it seems that my coach goes direct to Sto Lat instead. What's more, it looks like there wouldn't be room for her anyway, because, there's a party of five Cabbage Grower's Collective Bank actuaries sharing the first leg with me. Luckily for me, none of them looks to be the talkative kind. I doubt they'd be interested in the catalogue, either; they probably only get excited about columns of figures, not graphically illustrated intertwined ones...
Cert couldn't join us at the coaching yard. I knew that in advance, because he's back to working 24/8 somewhere below Dolly Sisters on the Undertaking, but he has some holidays coming and intends to join me in Lost Wages in time for Hogswatch... ooh, almost time to go -- and our driver, a Mr Bombalurina from Brindisi, just told me "the lads" would appreciate it if I could give them a song, and he just happens to have a lute in his locker in the office. My last performance in Ankh-Morpork! I'm putting the imp into Record mode:
Well, that went down a treat. They wanted me to do more, but some Watchmen just showed up. To report that I'm leaving, no doubt. So it's goodbye to the little house on Silver Street, and goodbye to the various Guilds who have been so welcoming to me, and goodbye to the dirty old Ankh, and to all the wonderful pubs and shops and restaurants and Cultural Experiences and Colourful Local People. It's been...educational. I do hope I can come back some day.
Time to leave. The sun is rising, and we're just pulling out of the yard now. I'm homeward bound!
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Rockin' in the Free
World, by Neil Young, can be found at:
http://www.thrasherswheat.org/fot/lyrics_ritfw.htm
Post 16. HOMEWARD BOUND
This will only be a shortish Clog, because I'm off at last! All my possessions have been returned by the Watch, with nothing missing, and I'm packed and ready to go.
Looking back on my months here, I'd have to say I'm happy -- feeling glad; I've got Ankhstones in my bag; I'm luteless, but not for long; my lucre is coming on... all in all, not a bad way for this wandering Bard to end a long and eventful stay in Ankh-Morpork.
Today was a chilly Sektober morning, still dark outside, and raining just a bit. We left the Palace under cover of Dawn (One Glorious Dawn, that is; a very friendly Agatean immigrant who's recently joined the Palace Guard, having arrived with references from the Emperor Cohen himself), who thoughtfully provided us with shelter under his cloak as we scuttled through the early morning streets. Not many people about at this time of day, although I could hear the ripe swearing of traders setting up their stalls in Sator Square and the dull clonks of King's men collecting night-soil buckets... typical charming A-M street sounds, I'll almost miss them.
It's also a good thing I still have my Personal Demonicommunication Activator -- otherwise I'd be buried in reams of Clacks flimsies. So many good-luck and thank-you and sad-you're-leaving messages from people all over (and under) the city! I've been reading through them while I wait for my coach... The ladies at Mrs Palm's ordered me a saucygram, but the Palace guards wouldn't let him in, so I was treated instead to a, shall we say, eye-popping performance in the coaching yard as our baggage was being stowed! The coachmen were very amused. As for the saucygram himself, I have to say he certainly was all there (yes, I got his C-mail address; never know when one might want a male stripper to make housecalls in Lost Wages). After he put his clothes back on, he kindly gave me the Woo Hon Ling catalogue I promised to take home for 'the girls'. I'm sure it will provide me with many interesting hours of reading on my journey...
Listeria, Lucrezia and Anaglypta came along to see me off. We got quite teary! I thought Listeria might be joining me on the first leg of the trip, because she mentioned having to make a stop in Sto Helit before setting off again around the Disc, but it seems that my coach goes direct to Sto Lat instead. What's more, it looks like there wouldn't be room for her anyway, because, there's a party of five Cabbage Grower's Collective Bank actuaries sharing the first leg with me. Luckily for me, none of them looks to be the talkative kind. I doubt they'd be interested in the catalogue, either; they probably only get excited about columns of figures, not graphically illustrated intertwined ones...
Cert couldn't join us at the coaching yard. I knew that in advance, because he's back to working 24/8 somewhere below Dolly Sisters on the Undertaking, but he has some holidays coming and intends to join me in Lost Wages in time for Hogswatch... ooh, almost time to go -- and our driver, a Mr Bombalurina from Brindisi, just told me "the lads" would appreciate it if I could give them a song, and he just happens to have a lute in his locker in the office. My last performance in Ankh-Morpork! I'm putting the imp into Record mode:
- There's colour on the Disc
Called octarine
Sator Market trade is brisk
Dibbler's sausages are green
But there's a warning sign on the Circumfence
There's a load of warring species
Not to mention Undead
Dunmanifestin is awash with Gods
So I pray to the Lady
To adjust the odds
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
I see a Turtle in the sky
Toting giant pachyderms
Witches on broomsticks fly
Igors battle germs
Though the magic's here to stay
Those Devices are a hit
It's time for change
And we've a knack for it
There's reformed Moist
Who will never break a bank
(Clever, backing Harry King: he'll be dredging the Ankh)
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
We got a hundred thousand souls
In Ankh-Morpork land
We've got a stern Patrician --
One vote, one Man
We've got united Guilds, from plain to fancy
Got new improved HEXes crunching technomancy
Got a Cube revolution and it's turning fast
Got carts to drive, got spells to cast
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld!
Keep on rockin' round the Discworld...
Well, that went down a treat. They wanted me to do more, but some Watchmen just showed up. To report that I'm leaving, no doubt. So it's goodbye to the little house on Silver Street, and goodbye to the various Guilds who have been so welcoming to me, and goodbye to the dirty old Ankh, and to all the wonderful pubs and shops and restaurants and Cultural Experiences and Colourful Local People. It's been...educational. I do hope I can come back some day.
Time to leave. The sun is rising, and we're just pulling out of the yard now. I'm homeward bound!
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Rockin' in the Free
World, by Neil Young, can be found at:
http://www.thrasherswheat.org/fot/lyrics_ritfw.htm
October 2008
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends! It is I, Fernando, and I shall be your astrologer today for the Lady Asterisk is unavailable after an unfortunate accident with an egg whisk.
My friends, Fernando this month has the good news! You may remember that last month Fernando's heart was like the finest red rose beneath the foot of a golem -- utterly crushed -- as his star charts had mysteriously disappeared, although Fernando was fully paid up with the Thieves Guild. But do not fear, for Fernando's dearest friend Vicki has found the star charts for sale in a pawn shop in Sator Square. (Fernando sends his thanks, and will be around next week with his fig-leaf for another sketch.) Fernando now is able to make the horoscopes again.
But Fernando is worried, for there is only one possible explanation for the mystery of how the charts were lost: Fernando's nemesis, Carlos. Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos, and yet he must, for it is his duty to warn Morporkia, who has taken Fernando to her magnificent bosom, of Brindisi's shame. Carlos is everything Fernando is not: vain, conceited, a shameless despoiler of women and corrupter of the youths, a thief who steals wives from their husbands and young men from their fiancees, and a terrible dresser too. If ever a fiend took on human form, it is Carlos. Fernando is greatly feared that Carlos has followed him to Ankh-Morpork. But do not worry my friends, for Fernando shall not rest until he has learnt what mischief Carlos is up to. But first, Fernando shall see what the stars have to say. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The stars this month are saying that this is a good time for Hoggers to demand a promotion. Fernando knows that every month is a good time for Hoggers to demand a promotion, for the Hogger personality is spiky, short-tempered and demanding, just like Fernando's Aunt Maria, who is the terror of her nephews including cousin Luciano who once ate an entire cow and is eight inches taller and 350 pounds heavier than her. Fernando has learned much from Aunt Maria. But this month is especially good, for the stars smile upon the Hoggers in their business dealing. For Hoggers who are self-employed, it is a good month to start a new business, or perhaps to take over a rival's business.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Sandies, or Munchers, are still experiencing some left-over influence from Gahoolie the Vase of Tulips. Fernando knows that it is the remnant of Gahoolie that gives Munchers the enthusiasm to go out to Forn lands and convert the heathen this month, and from the Half-Eaten Sandwich the sense to choose which heathens to convert. The stars suggest that this month is a good time to go to the Brown Islands or Slakki, where the natives are easy-going and friendly, and not such a good time to go the Tezuman Empire or Krull, where they have their own opinions about who are the heathens.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
This month the stars tell Fernando that it is the auspicious time for Hernians and romance. This fills Fernando with the happiness, for Fernando knows well the joy of romance and he likes to see others also joyful. But Hernians are sometimes shy and retiring, and need encouragement, so Fernando has asked the stars for espeziale advice.
For those wanting to romance the ladies, the stars they say that flowers or small gifts will be very appropriate, except for those ladies born with Great T'Phon in the cusp of the Flying Moose. For those ladies, they may have an unfortunate tendency to eat the flowers, and the stars suggest a gift of jewellery instead. A gift of a small pet is also good: the stars suggest a small puppy or kitten, or for the more adventurous, a swamp dragon, but if you really want to make the good impression and you can afford it, the stars suggest a Ring-Tailed Ocelot.
For those wanting to romance the gentlemens Hernians, the stars recommend taking an interest in their favourite footsball team, unless they are the supporters of Quirm, buying them tools, or if all else fails, turning up at their door wearing a large coat with nothing underneath. Fernando is especially fond of that last one.
Fernando can also help with personal tuition for any Hernians wanting to learn more about the romance and the writing of love-letters and other related activities.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Traditionally many wizards and quite a few witches as well are Staffies, and for them Fernando does not have good news, for Fernando is not like some of those other astrologers who will tweak the horoscope so it only gives the good news. You can trust Fernando's horoscopes, for like Fernando himself, his horoscopes are upright and honest and how you say, meticulous. The stars this month warn that it is not a good month for magic: this will be no hardship for senior wizards, but student wizards with examinations in the next few weeks will have to work twice as hard.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
This month is a good month for Bilians, for Fernando knows that so say the stars. But Fernando also knows that the typical Bilian is nervous and pessimistic, very different from Fernando, but life would be boring if everyone was the same. Fernando is never boring -- surprising, adventurous, romantic and skillful in many of the arts, but never boring -- and he thinks that the world is molto exciting for the many differences we have.
For Bilians, this month will be in general the good month, a small taste of la dolce vita as we say in Brindisi. You should expect the small things to go right, and the big things to not go wrong.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
This month Snippies should beware of their health, for the stars warn that they are at risk of illness. Fernando's mamma would always make sure Fernando wore a warm coat in Brindisi winters, but of course Brindisi winters are not like Ankh-Morpork winters.
Snippies, the stars warn that you are at particular risk of the gurgles, chicken pox, duck pox, buffalo pox, and most worrying of all, caledonia nervosa, the morbid fear of becoming a Nac Mac Feegle. The best prevention for that last is to actually meet the Mac Feegles -- one "Crivens" from you and you'll receive such a kickin' that you'll be cured of any fear of turning into a Feegle. It may be replaced by a morbid fear of meeting the Feegles again, but as Fernando knows, that is perfectly normal and nothing to be concerned about.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns can expect a mixed time this month, like the vino Fernando's Uncle Alfonso makes. First comes the sweet, for the stars predict that the beginning of the month will be quiet, peaceful and blissfully safe for Boring'uns. The stars predict the most frightening thing will be a run-in with an unusually sharp asparagus spear.
But Fernando is sorry for the Boring'uns, for just when you are enjoying the quiet the most, the stars will turn things around on you. Like Uncle Alfonso, whose first batch of vino for the year is sweet, but then he partakes of a little too much vino himself and the second batch of vino is sour, you can expect interesting times in the second half of the month, as the Agateans put it. The gods like their little surprises, but the stars warn about visits from in-laws, pineapples, tax audits and a mix-up at the Thieves Guild. Fernando recommends you get a copy of your Guild voucher and carry it around with you at all times. It won't stop you being robbed, but it may prevent that second thump on the head.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies this month, you should beware of family arguments. You can expect to see a molto grande mountain grown from the piccolo ant hill. Fernando knows how it goes: a brief comment or a passing remark, a reply, another reply, and before long somebody is saying "You'll bring That Woman into this house over my dead body" or "If you knew what your brother said about you, you wouldn't be sitting there so calmly". Fernando knows very well how it goes, for nobody argues and loves with so much passion as a Brindisian family! Fernando remembers when he was a boy, Uncle Nino (mayherestinnapeace) and Uncle Rafael fighting in the street over what Uncle Salvatore had said to grandmamma Angelina about cousin Tony (not cousin Tony who makes the yellow water who I have talked about before, Uncle Angelo's boy Tony, the one with the squint) and his fiancee Rosalinda the daughter of Francesco the barber, while their wives cheered them on, until Aunt Maria hit them both with her broom.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month Spooners will find that it is a good month for the cooking and the food. With the stars giving you assistance, there will be no more burnt toast, meat burnt to charcoal, or rubbery eggs. Your pasta will be al dente, your salads fresh and not limp, and your soups thick and hearty and flavoursome. To be brief, you will cook almost as well as a Brindisian -- which probably means your family will ask "what's this foreign muck?" and go out for a plate of burnt lard swimming in grease or a sausage inna bun.
Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, the sights, the sounds, especially the peoples, but he will never get used to the food.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This month is a good time for Hokians to do the redecoration. Fernando has seen that this is so! Hokians especially understand the wisdom of Mrs Cosmopilite, "A change is as good as a rest", so if you cannot go away on holiday, redecorate your house instead. Whether you are repainting it, or replacing the rugs, or just moving the furniture around, the stars say that the prospects for redecoration are very good. As they say, "Give your house a new leash on life!", although Fernando has never understood where you are suppose to tie the leash.
Fernando's cousin Palomita loves to redecorate, or perhaps it would be more accurate for Fernando to say that Palomita loves to let others do the heavy lifting. Fernando has spent many long hours during the hottest summer days bare to the waist and glistening with the perspiration, dragging wardrobes from one side of the room to the other and then back again while Palomita sits on the couch and gives instructions.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
This month, the stars speak of debt for Gazundians. Fernando knows that there are debts that are owed, and debts that are owing, and there are debts that can never be repaid. If you owe debts, then this is a good time to pay them off, for Fernando hears from a man who knows a man who is tailor to Mr von Lipwig of the Ankh-Morpork Bank that interest rates are about to rise again. And if you are owed debts, the stars speak of using those debts as equity, and selling those debts to other lenders. What could go wrong?
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
It is said that there are only two things certain in life, death and taxes. But Umbragians this month can be certain of something else: whatever you do, whatever you say, the Patrician will know it -- possibly even before you do. For the stars say that you have come to the attention of his Dark Clerks and their spies. The stars do not say why. Perhaps it was that incautious tirade against his Lordship out in the street after six too many of the Ankh-Morpork beers. (Fernando knows that the Patrician does not mind it when people make threats against him when drunk. It's the ones who don't make threats that need watching.) Or the suspiciously exact tax return. Or the barrels of scumble and the cart loads of fertiliser, and you with no garden. Or perhaps one of the Dark Clerks had a quota to fill and your name had the wrong sort of vowels. The stars do not say, but they do say that for the next month you should watch what you say, send no incriminating clacks, and for preference, sit very very quietly in a dark cellar with a blanket over your head, and you just might avoid having to help the Watch with their enquiries.
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends! It is I, Fernando, and I shall be your astrologer today for the Lady Asterisk is unavailable after an unfortunate accident with an egg whisk.
My friends, Fernando this month has the good news! You may remember that last month Fernando's heart was like the finest red rose beneath the foot of a golem -- utterly crushed -- as his star charts had mysteriously disappeared, although Fernando was fully paid up with the Thieves Guild. But do not fear, for Fernando's dearest friend Vicki has found the star charts for sale in a pawn shop in Sator Square. (Fernando sends his thanks, and will be around next week with his fig-leaf for another sketch.) Fernando now is able to make the horoscopes again.
But Fernando is worried, for there is only one possible explanation for the mystery of how the charts were lost: Fernando's nemesis, Carlos. Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos, and yet he must, for it is his duty to warn Morporkia, who has taken Fernando to her magnificent bosom, of Brindisi's shame. Carlos is everything Fernando is not: vain, conceited, a shameless despoiler of women and corrupter of the youths, a thief who steals wives from their husbands and young men from their fiancees, and a terrible dresser too. If ever a fiend took on human form, it is Carlos. Fernando is greatly feared that Carlos has followed him to Ankh-Morpork. But do not worry my friends, for Fernando shall not rest until he has learnt what mischief Carlos is up to. But first, Fernando shall see what the stars have to say. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The stars this month are saying that this is a good time for Hoggers to demand a promotion. Fernando knows that every month is a good time for Hoggers to demand a promotion, for the Hogger personality is spiky, short-tempered and demanding, just like Fernando's Aunt Maria, who is the terror of her nephews including cousin Luciano who once ate an entire cow and is eight inches taller and 350 pounds heavier than her. Fernando has learned much from Aunt Maria. But this month is especially good, for the stars smile upon the Hoggers in their business dealing. For Hoggers who are self-employed, it is a good month to start a new business, or perhaps to take over a rival's business.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Sandies, or Munchers, are still experiencing some left-over influence from Gahoolie the Vase of Tulips. Fernando knows that it is the remnant of Gahoolie that gives Munchers the enthusiasm to go out to Forn lands and convert the heathen this month, and from the Half-Eaten Sandwich the sense to choose which heathens to convert. The stars suggest that this month is a good time to go to the Brown Islands or Slakki, where the natives are easy-going and friendly, and not such a good time to go the Tezuman Empire or Krull, where they have their own opinions about who are the heathens.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
This month the stars tell Fernando that it is the auspicious time for Hernians and romance. This fills Fernando with the happiness, for Fernando knows well the joy of romance and he likes to see others also joyful. But Hernians are sometimes shy and retiring, and need encouragement, so Fernando has asked the stars for espeziale advice.
For those wanting to romance the ladies, the stars they say that flowers or small gifts will be very appropriate, except for those ladies born with Great T'Phon in the cusp of the Flying Moose. For those ladies, they may have an unfortunate tendency to eat the flowers, and the stars suggest a gift of jewellery instead. A gift of a small pet is also good: the stars suggest a small puppy or kitten, or for the more adventurous, a swamp dragon, but if you really want to make the good impression and you can afford it, the stars suggest a Ring-Tailed Ocelot.
For those wanting to romance the gentlemens Hernians, the stars recommend taking an interest in their favourite footsball team, unless they are the supporters of Quirm, buying them tools, or if all else fails, turning up at their door wearing a large coat with nothing underneath. Fernando is especially fond of that last one.
Fernando can also help with personal tuition for any Hernians wanting to learn more about the romance and the writing of love-letters and other related activities.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Traditionally many wizards and quite a few witches as well are Staffies, and for them Fernando does not have good news, for Fernando is not like some of those other astrologers who will tweak the horoscope so it only gives the good news. You can trust Fernando's horoscopes, for like Fernando himself, his horoscopes are upright and honest and how you say, meticulous. The stars this month warn that it is not a good month for magic: this will be no hardship for senior wizards, but student wizards with examinations in the next few weeks will have to work twice as hard.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
This month is a good month for Bilians, for Fernando knows that so say the stars. But Fernando also knows that the typical Bilian is nervous and pessimistic, very different from Fernando, but life would be boring if everyone was the same. Fernando is never boring -- surprising, adventurous, romantic and skillful in many of the arts, but never boring -- and he thinks that the world is molto exciting for the many differences we have.
For Bilians, this month will be in general the good month, a small taste of la dolce vita as we say in Brindisi. You should expect the small things to go right, and the big things to not go wrong.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
This month Snippies should beware of their health, for the stars warn that they are at risk of illness. Fernando's mamma would always make sure Fernando wore a warm coat in Brindisi winters, but of course Brindisi winters are not like Ankh-Morpork winters.
Snippies, the stars warn that you are at particular risk of the gurgles, chicken pox, duck pox, buffalo pox, and most worrying of all, caledonia nervosa, the morbid fear of becoming a Nac Mac Feegle. The best prevention for that last is to actually meet the Mac Feegles -- one "Crivens" from you and you'll receive such a kickin' that you'll be cured of any fear of turning into a Feegle. It may be replaced by a morbid fear of meeting the Feegles again, but as Fernando knows, that is perfectly normal and nothing to be concerned about.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns can expect a mixed time this month, like the vino Fernando's Uncle Alfonso makes. First comes the sweet, for the stars predict that the beginning of the month will be quiet, peaceful and blissfully safe for Boring'uns. The stars predict the most frightening thing will be a run-in with an unusually sharp asparagus spear.
But Fernando is sorry for the Boring'uns, for just when you are enjoying the quiet the most, the stars will turn things around on you. Like Uncle Alfonso, whose first batch of vino for the year is sweet, but then he partakes of a little too much vino himself and the second batch of vino is sour, you can expect interesting times in the second half of the month, as the Agateans put it. The gods like their little surprises, but the stars warn about visits from in-laws, pineapples, tax audits and a mix-up at the Thieves Guild. Fernando recommends you get a copy of your Guild voucher and carry it around with you at all times. It won't stop you being robbed, but it may prevent that second thump on the head.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies this month, you should beware of family arguments. You can expect to see a molto grande mountain grown from the piccolo ant hill. Fernando knows how it goes: a brief comment or a passing remark, a reply, another reply, and before long somebody is saying "You'll bring That Woman into this house over my dead body" or "If you knew what your brother said about you, you wouldn't be sitting there so calmly". Fernando knows very well how it goes, for nobody argues and loves with so much passion as a Brindisian family! Fernando remembers when he was a boy, Uncle Nino (mayherestinnapeace) and Uncle Rafael fighting in the street over what Uncle Salvatore had said to grandmamma Angelina about cousin Tony (not cousin Tony who makes the yellow water who I have talked about before, Uncle Angelo's boy Tony, the one with the squint) and his fiancee Rosalinda the daughter of Francesco the barber, while their wives cheered them on, until Aunt Maria hit them both with her broom.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month Spooners will find that it is a good month for the cooking and the food. With the stars giving you assistance, there will be no more burnt toast, meat burnt to charcoal, or rubbery eggs. Your pasta will be al dente, your salads fresh and not limp, and your soups thick and hearty and flavoursome. To be brief, you will cook almost as well as a Brindisian -- which probably means your family will ask "what's this foreign muck?" and go out for a plate of burnt lard swimming in grease or a sausage inna bun.
Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, the sights, the sounds, especially the peoples, but he will never get used to the food.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This month is a good time for Hokians to do the redecoration. Fernando has seen that this is so! Hokians especially understand the wisdom of Mrs Cosmopilite, "A change is as good as a rest", so if you cannot go away on holiday, redecorate your house instead. Whether you are repainting it, or replacing the rugs, or just moving the furniture around, the stars say that the prospects for redecoration are very good. As they say, "Give your house a new leash on life!", although Fernando has never understood where you are suppose to tie the leash.
Fernando's cousin Palomita loves to redecorate, or perhaps it would be more accurate for Fernando to say that Palomita loves to let others do the heavy lifting. Fernando has spent many long hours during the hottest summer days bare to the waist and glistening with the perspiration, dragging wardrobes from one side of the room to the other and then back again while Palomita sits on the couch and gives instructions.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
This month, the stars speak of debt for Gazundians. Fernando knows that there are debts that are owed, and debts that are owing, and there are debts that can never be repaid. If you owe debts, then this is a good time to pay them off, for Fernando hears from a man who knows a man who is tailor to Mr von Lipwig of the Ankh-Morpork Bank that interest rates are about to rise again. And if you are owed debts, the stars speak of using those debts as equity, and selling those debts to other lenders. What could go wrong?
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
It is said that there are only two things certain in life, death and taxes. But Umbragians this month can be certain of something else: whatever you do, whatever you say, the Patrician will know it -- possibly even before you do. For the stars say that you have come to the attention of his Dark Clerks and their spies. The stars do not say why. Perhaps it was that incautious tirade against his Lordship out in the street after six too many of the Ankh-Morpork beers. (Fernando knows that the Patrician does not mind it when people make threats against him when drunk. It's the ones who don't make threats that need watching.) Or the suspiciously exact tax return. Or the barrels of scumble and the cart loads of fertiliser, and you with no garden. Or perhaps one of the Dark Clerks had a quota to fill and your name had the wrong sort of vowels. The stars do not say, but they do say that for the next month you should watch what you say, send no incriminating clacks, and for preference, sit very very quietly in a dark cellar with a blanket over your head, and you just might avoid having to help the Watch with their enquiries.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Clog Post 15 with Poisoned
THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC
Post 15. THERE...AND NOT QUITE BACK AGAIN
First Clog: "We have a Plan..."
Which is to say that we had a plan. I was finally packing to leave, but now I'm completely packed and soon leaving, because something unexpected happened. So as of now the Sisters of Invention are disbanded, or at least a band that's banned forever from playing in Ankh-Morpork. And we can't play at present because we're... well... guests of the Patrician. Which is to say, under house arrest at the Palace.
What happened, do I hear you ask? What happened was that Lucrezia had a little, um, mishap, and it reflected badly on all of us. Yes. Right. Mishap. I'm sure that's what it was.
Luckily, no-one died. Otherwise we'd be downstairs in the famous dungeons -- or worse -- instead of marking time in a rather well-appointed suite of rooms in one of the disused wings of the Palace.
An accidental mass poisoning is a mishap, surely...
I'm not too clear on the details, but it seems that last week when we were doing our regular gig at Wahoonie, I'm Home, the barman and a number of customers were paying a little too much unwanted attention to Lucrezia, who after all is young and attractive, if a little odd. I'm sure it was just an accidental slip of the hand that caused the adulteration of several pitchers of cocktails with one of her favourite custom-brewed poisons. How was she to know that all those large chaps in the corner were out on a stag party? Personally, I think it was probably the Ankh water in the Aqueduct de Luxe cocktails that was to blame, but one doesn't argue with the Watch when they show up promptly -- which they did -- and well-armed -- which they were. There was a lot of shouting and a lot of questions, not to mention a lot of agonised groaning (from the large chaps who drank from said pitchers and were now rolling around on the floor with green froth coming out of their mouths, and yes, it was a different colour of green than the green froth on the Rule You Wholesale cocktail), and we got taken into custody and spent the rest of the night at Pseudopolis Yard. They took our instruments into custody as well, but gave us receipts for them. All in all we were treated quite well, possibly because we're the right sort of foreign but also possibly because we've become very popular in A-M and even possibly because Cert has a fair amount of influence by way of his working on the technomantic side of the Undertaking, and we were given some very nourishing tea. Watchmen certainly know how to make the kind of nourishing tea that gets you through the night, even if it is strong enough to dissolve the glaze on the inside of the regulation prisoner mugs.
And then in the morning we were taken to the Palace. And here we remain. They ever gave us back our instruments (which is why we're in an unused wing, I imagine), but kept Lucrezia's handbag as Evidence.
A very polite Captain of the Watch, tall and smelling of soap and dog biscuits, came to see us this morning. He gave us a stern lecture and said that, as no actual life was lost and as the Patrician is very busy at the moment, we're going to be allowed to leave soon, so long as we promise to depart immediately from A-M and agree to never, ever perform in the City again (scorpion pits were mentioned). Also, if any of us ever return for a non-musical visit, we have to report to the Watch on arrival. That seems fair, even if it was surely all a misunderstanding.
So I'm finally going home.
Cert had a plan as well, and still does. He's been allowed to visit, when he's not working all hours on the Undertaking or studying up at the University; did I mention that due to rapid promotion he's now a Doctor of Technomancy as well as a Bachelor of Fluencing? His plan is to join me in Lost Wages as soon as possible. He's going to open a wizarding practice there, since the town is booming again, and continue his UU graduate studies via Omniscope. Since Omniscopes are tricky devices at the best of times, this is no small project! The latest model Omniscope discharges its excess thaums into a carefully -- very carefully -- set-up basin of pure rainwater; the smallest misadjustment could result in Lost Wages being a smoking hole in the landscape, but luckily Cert has enlisted the aid of visiting BU cisterns analyst Neil Beardie-Bloke for refining his calculations. Hopefully that means all will work out well...
Owing to our situation, I feel a song coming on. It's about Ankh water, unsurprisingly. The River Ankh, particularly in A-M, has had much written about its water, and I can assure you that all of it is true. That's because it's...
Here endeth this post.
Second Clog: "I shall be released"
Any day now, they tell us. Cert has kindly booked passage for me to Lost Wages with one of the best coaching companies. No leaky boats for me this time! Just a (hopefully) safe, comfortable coach journey, straight across the Rimwards side of the Sto Plains, through the Forest of Skund, a day's stopover in Lancre to pick up the post and whatnot and test the new vintage scumble at the Goat and Bush, and then home sweet home. I should be there in not much more than a week - barring breakdowns, highway robbers, rains of fish, early Yeti migrations, a wandering Undead eating the coach driver...but that's just the usual.
Looking back on my adventures, I would say this Grand Sneer has definitely broadened my horizons and made me far more mature and experienced -- far more experienced at any rate. It's not many a person who can live a long, full, dramatic life, die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren, and then get to live a long, full, dramatic life all over again (apart from certain History Monks and, I suppose, Yeti, though the History Monks wouldn't have fat grandchildren as such). This time around I'm going to go for the less full and dramatic parts, though. A pint or ten by the fire in The Sore Loser, a bit of a sing-song, some good old-fashioned Lancrastian and Borogravian cooking, the occasional late night watching the Omniscope to see that it doesn't implode...that will do me fine.
Speaking of cooking, I've been in correspondence with Mr Hassenpfeffer, owner and chief chef of the Grossenschweinebitzen restaurant. While he won't sell me his secret recipe for Ghoulish, he is very interested in opening a branch of GSB in Lost Wages. Hurrah!
There are rats in the walls. I hear them whispering at night.
Mrs Palm paid me a visit the other day. She said all the girls are very sad to see me go, and they hope I can come back some day for a visit, a few parties and maybe some (very) discreet solo gigs -- on a borrowed lute, of course. She also gave me the latest Woo Hon Ling catalogue to take up to the Lost Wages branch of the Seamstresses' Guild, because it might spontaneously combust if sent by ordinary post. Being a woman of the world these days, I've had a look through it. Blimey, she's right! I think Semolina is going to be very interested in some of the special appliances...
Now the rats are singing. They haven't great voices, but they know the words to some of my songs. How sweet.
Listeria says she's going to continue her travels. She wants to go to the Brown Islands and the Land of Fog, and possibly even on to EcksEcksEcksEcks. I wouldn't have minded seeing some more of the Disc myself, but while I'm not saying I'll never travel again, I think I'll at least take a break for a few years. I'm already feeling a bit nostalgic, but much of what's happened feels far away and faded, like it happened to someone else a long time ago. I think I shall read over and edit my Clacks logs and write them up as a book, just in case I have grandchildren some day and find I've forgotten most of the stories I'd want to tell them.
The rats delivered me a message last night! From my friends in Morpork Below. Seems my honorary status as a Belowgrounder is permanent, and I can come do concerts there any time I want. Well, that's one way around the banned band ban...
LuRid left. No-one knows when or where, except the rats, and they're not saying. I think he went home.
Anaglypta is going to close up the house in Silver Street and join her aunt on her further travels. Once again, I feel like some sort of fellowship is breaking up...
Ooh, genuine Slumpie for supper last night! With salad! That's the palace kitchens' idea of acceptable local cuisine. Sham Harga would never dream of putting salad on his plates; the customers would riot.
We're being released tomorrow. Time to go home!
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Poison by Alice
Cooper can be found at:
http://tinyurl.com/3embrs
Post 15. THERE...AND NOT QUITE BACK AGAIN
First Clog: "We have a Plan..."
Which is to say that we had a plan. I was finally packing to leave, but now I'm completely packed and soon leaving, because something unexpected happened. So as of now the Sisters of Invention are disbanded, or at least a band that's banned forever from playing in Ankh-Morpork. And we can't play at present because we're... well... guests of the Patrician. Which is to say, under house arrest at the Palace.
What happened, do I hear you ask? What happened was that Lucrezia had a little, um, mishap, and it reflected badly on all of us. Yes. Right. Mishap. I'm sure that's what it was.
Luckily, no-one died. Otherwise we'd be downstairs in the famous dungeons -- or worse -- instead of marking time in a rather well-appointed suite of rooms in one of the disused wings of the Palace.
An accidental mass poisoning is a mishap, surely...
I'm not too clear on the details, but it seems that last week when we were doing our regular gig at Wahoonie, I'm Home, the barman and a number of customers were paying a little too much unwanted attention to Lucrezia, who after all is young and attractive, if a little odd. I'm sure it was just an accidental slip of the hand that caused the adulteration of several pitchers of cocktails with one of her favourite custom-brewed poisons. How was she to know that all those large chaps in the corner were out on a stag party? Personally, I think it was probably the Ankh water in the Aqueduct de Luxe cocktails that was to blame, but one doesn't argue with the Watch when they show up promptly -- which they did -- and well-armed -- which they were. There was a lot of shouting and a lot of questions, not to mention a lot of agonised groaning (from the large chaps who drank from said pitchers and were now rolling around on the floor with green froth coming out of their mouths, and yes, it was a different colour of green than the green froth on the Rule You Wholesale cocktail), and we got taken into custody and spent the rest of the night at Pseudopolis Yard. They took our instruments into custody as well, but gave us receipts for them. All in all we were treated quite well, possibly because we're the right sort of foreign but also possibly because we've become very popular in A-M and even possibly because Cert has a fair amount of influence by way of his working on the technomantic side of the Undertaking, and we were given some very nourishing tea. Watchmen certainly know how to make the kind of nourishing tea that gets you through the night, even if it is strong enough to dissolve the glaze on the inside of the regulation prisoner mugs.
And then in the morning we were taken to the Palace. And here we remain. They ever gave us back our instruments (which is why we're in an unused wing, I imagine), but kept Lucrezia's handbag as Evidence.
A very polite Captain of the Watch, tall and smelling of soap and dog biscuits, came to see us this morning. He gave us a stern lecture and said that, as no actual life was lost and as the Patrician is very busy at the moment, we're going to be allowed to leave soon, so long as we promise to depart immediately from A-M and agree to never, ever perform in the City again (scorpion pits were mentioned). Also, if any of us ever return for a non-musical visit, we have to report to the Watch on arrival. That seems fair, even if it was surely all a misunderstanding.
So I'm finally going home.
Cert had a plan as well, and still does. He's been allowed to visit, when he's not working all hours on the Undertaking or studying up at the University; did I mention that due to rapid promotion he's now a Doctor of Technomancy as well as a Bachelor of Fluencing? His plan is to join me in Lost Wages as soon as possible. He's going to open a wizarding practice there, since the town is booming again, and continue his UU graduate studies via Omniscope. Since Omniscopes are tricky devices at the best of times, this is no small project! The latest model Omniscope discharges its excess thaums into a carefully -- very carefully -- set-up basin of pure rainwater; the smallest misadjustment could result in Lost Wages being a smoking hole in the landscape, but luckily Cert has enlisted the aid of visiting BU cisterns analyst Neil Beardie-Bloke for refining his calculations. Hopefully that means all will work out well...
* * *
Owing to our situation, I feel a song coming on. It's about Ankh water, unsurprisingly. The River Ankh, particularly in A-M, has had much written about its water, and I can assure you that all of it is true. That's because it's...
- POISONED
Too dense to slice
Not clear, not nice
Crossbones and skull:
"Not potable!"
I want to drink it, but I better not touch (don't touch!)
I want to smell it but my senses tell me I'd drop
I want a taste but I like living too much (I clutch!)
I want to chug it but it's Ankh-Morporkian
Poison
It's poison running through our drains
Pure poison, clogging up our water mains...
My teeth feel hot
Disease I've caught
It shines, it's wet
Makes strong men sweat
I stumble, falling, full of needles and pins (ow! pins!)
I think the neighbours must've heard me screaming in pain
One toxic touch and it's dissolving my skin (seeps in!)
I was so thirsty, now I'm blitzed by River Ankh poison
It's poison running through our drains
Pure poison, clogging up our water mains
They're poisoned!
Dead sheep, pigs' guts
Slops from The Butts...
I want to drink it, but I better not touch (don't touch!)
I want to smell it but my senses tell me I'd drop
I want a taste but I like living too much (I clutch!)
I want to chug it but it's Ankh-Morporkian
Poison
It's poison running through our drains
Pure poison, clogging up our water mains...
They're poisoned
I'm drinking "water" even Beggars won't touch (won't touch!)
I feel unholy and my insides wanna go plop
Another sip will make me walk with a crutch (too much!)
It isn't tasty but it sure is genuine
Poison, eww!
I can't bear these gastric pains
I'm poisoned -- oh no!
Now I'm leaking funny stains
Filled with epidemic strains
And poisoned...
Here endeth this post.
* * *
Second Clog: "I shall be released"
Any day now, they tell us. Cert has kindly booked passage for me to Lost Wages with one of the best coaching companies. No leaky boats for me this time! Just a (hopefully) safe, comfortable coach journey, straight across the Rimwards side of the Sto Plains, through the Forest of Skund, a day's stopover in Lancre to pick up the post and whatnot and test the new vintage scumble at the Goat and Bush, and then home sweet home. I should be there in not much more than a week - barring breakdowns, highway robbers, rains of fish, early Yeti migrations, a wandering Undead eating the coach driver...but that's just the usual.
* * *
Looking back on my adventures, I would say this Grand Sneer has definitely broadened my horizons and made me far more mature and experienced -- far more experienced at any rate. It's not many a person who can live a long, full, dramatic life, die in bed surrounded by fat grandchildren, and then get to live a long, full, dramatic life all over again (apart from certain History Monks and, I suppose, Yeti, though the History Monks wouldn't have fat grandchildren as such). This time around I'm going to go for the less full and dramatic parts, though. A pint or ten by the fire in The Sore Loser, a bit of a sing-song, some good old-fashioned Lancrastian and Borogravian cooking, the occasional late night watching the Omniscope to see that it doesn't implode...that will do me fine.
* * *
Speaking of cooking, I've been in correspondence with Mr Hassenpfeffer, owner and chief chef of the Grossenschweinebitzen restaurant. While he won't sell me his secret recipe for Ghoulish, he is very interested in opening a branch of GSB in Lost Wages. Hurrah!
* * *
There are rats in the walls. I hear them whispering at night.
* * *
Mrs Palm paid me a visit the other day. She said all the girls are very sad to see me go, and they hope I can come back some day for a visit, a few parties and maybe some (very) discreet solo gigs -- on a borrowed lute, of course. She also gave me the latest Woo Hon Ling catalogue to take up to the Lost Wages branch of the Seamstresses' Guild, because it might spontaneously combust if sent by ordinary post. Being a woman of the world these days, I've had a look through it. Blimey, she's right! I think Semolina is going to be very interested in some of the special appliances...
* * *
Now the rats are singing. They haven't great voices, but they know the words to some of my songs. How sweet.
* * *
Listeria says she's going to continue her travels. She wants to go to the Brown Islands and the Land of Fog, and possibly even on to EcksEcksEcksEcks. I wouldn't have minded seeing some more of the Disc myself, but while I'm not saying I'll never travel again, I think I'll at least take a break for a few years. I'm already feeling a bit nostalgic, but much of what's happened feels far away and faded, like it happened to someone else a long time ago. I think I shall read over and edit my Clacks logs and write them up as a book, just in case I have grandchildren some day and find I've forgotten most of the stories I'd want to tell them.
* * *
The rats delivered me a message last night! From my friends in Morpork Below. Seems my honorary status as a Belowgrounder is permanent, and I can come do concerts there any time I want. Well, that's one way around the banned band ban...
* * *
LuRid left. No-one knows when or where, except the rats, and they're not saying. I think he went home.
* * *
Anaglypta is going to close up the house in Silver Street and join her aunt on her further travels. Once again, I feel like some sort of fellowship is breaking up...
* * *
Ooh, genuine Slumpie for supper last night! With salad! That's the palace kitchens' idea of acceptable local cuisine. Sham Harga would never dream of putting salad on his plates; the customers would riot.
* * *
We're being released tomorrow. Time to go home!
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Poison by Alice
Cooper can be found at:
http://tinyurl.com/3embrs
September 2008
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, for she was attacked by a rogue cheese.
My friends, it breaks Fernando's heart to write this, but he has failed in his sacred duty to be your astrologer. When he came to the beautiful city of Ankh-Morpork to study the art of astrology at the feet of the bellissima Lady Asterisk, Fernando swore that he would carry the burden of being astrologer for all his readers who rely on him. But now Fernando's food is like ashes in his mouth, even his Uncle Enzo's famous salami, the one with the chilli and fennel seeds, and the cold wind blows through Fernando's small but stylish room. Even Fernando's red velvet cloak gives him no pleasure, for it is like sackcloth on Fernando's soft yet manly Brindisian skin. Fernando now knows well what it is like to have a heart heavy with shame, for he has failed: Fernando's astrological charts have disappeared, and without them even Fernando cannot calculate the horoscopes.
It will take weeks to re-calculate the charts, for every astrologer's calculations are unique. So there can be no horoscope this month. Instead Fernando will take questions from his devoted readers:
Fernando cannot cast a precise horoscope this month, but Fernando has much experience in the knowing of personalities of each sign and knows that Boring'uns are not well suited for any job on a ship called 'The Vindictive'. Except perhaps for the job of victim. I recommend you take the job at the Cabbage Grower's Cooperative.
There is only one Signora Magnifico in Fernando's life, that is Fernando's sainted mamma, may the gods smile upon her.
Fernando gets the many proposals for marriage from the Signorinas, and sometimes the young Signores also. Fernando is always flattered, but he has too much love in him for any one person. This does not mean that Fernando will never be married, but it will have to be to a very special person who understands that it is Fernando's mission to spread his love to everyone in the world, except perhaps the Quirmian footsballers, and Carlos, but Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos.
One of his missions. Fernando has many.
A whole family of bears? Fernando does not know where these stories come from. It was only the one bear, twenty feet tall on his back legs, with claws like daggers and teeth like even bigger daggers, and the bear he had found the signorina Valentina who was picking berries in the forest. Fortunately, Fernando was riding through the forest and came across them. Fernando's horse was frightened and threw Fernando and ran away, but Fernando got up and looked the bear straight in the eyes. The bear stood up on his back legs, thirty feet tall if he was an inch, and roared, and Fernando threw himself at the bear to save the signorina from being eaten. By the bear.
It was a terrible fight, for Fernando was unarmed except for a small stick he broke off a tree, but Fernando was victorious and the bear ran off into the forest and the signorina was saved. The cost was great though, for Fernando's favourite black silk shirt was ripped to shreds, and Fernando had to walk back to the village with his bare chest and back covered in terrible claw marks. From the bear you understand. Fernando's cousin Palomita had to go and have a lie down, and his Auntie Maria gave him a clip on the ear for riding bare-back and falling off the horse. She said that riding bare-back is dangerous, but Fernando laughs at danger.
Fernando has a great passion for the Brindisi opera. There are many such great operas, and it is very hard to decide which is best, but Fernando believes that perhaps the greatest of all is "Programma Nove da Spazio Cosmico" by the famed composer Eduardo Foresta. Who cannot be moved to tears by such as this?
E appena un salto il a sinistra
Ed allora un punto alla destra
Con le vostre mani sulle vostre anche
Portate le vostra ginocchia fortemente
Ma e la spinta pelvica che realmente lo guida insano
Li lascia ripetere il filo di ordito di tempo!
Fernando intends to make his new astrological charts, and next month the more usual horoscope should be back. Ciao bella!
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, for she was attacked by a rogue cheese.
My friends, it breaks Fernando's heart to write this, but he has failed in his sacred duty to be your astrologer. When he came to the beautiful city of Ankh-Morpork to study the art of astrology at the feet of the bellissima Lady Asterisk, Fernando swore that he would carry the burden of being astrologer for all his readers who rely on him. But now Fernando's food is like ashes in his mouth, even his Uncle Enzo's famous salami, the one with the chilli and fennel seeds, and the cold wind blows through Fernando's small but stylish room. Even Fernando's red velvet cloak gives him no pleasure, for it is like sackcloth on Fernando's soft yet manly Brindisian skin. Fernando now knows well what it is like to have a heart heavy with shame, for he has failed: Fernando's astrological charts have disappeared, and without them even Fernando cannot calculate the horoscopes.
It will take weeks to re-calculate the charts, for every astrologer's calculations are unique. So there can be no horoscope this month. Instead Fernando will take questions from his devoted readers:
- "Dear Fernando,
I am a Boring'un with an allergy to fish. Even walking past a market
stall selling fish brings me out in hives. I'm thinking of accepting
a job offer to be Assistant Clerk Fourth Grade (Sprout Specialist)
at the Cabbage Grower's Cooperative, but Mother insists that a job
with better prospects is First Mate on 'The Vindictive', which sails
next week under Captain John 'Blackheart' Edwards. I'm worried
because the previous First Mate was eaten by sharks in the Mothering
Sunday Islands, but Mother tells me that sharks never attack unless
provoked. What should I do?
Signed, Cabbages Are The Life For Me"
Fernando cannot cast a precise horoscope this month, but Fernando has much experience in the knowing of personalities of each sign and knows that Boring'uns are not well suited for any job on a ship called 'The Vindictive'. Except perhaps for the job of victim. I recommend you take the job at the Cabbage Grower's Cooperative.
- "Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai am a respectable hwidow hwoman of hadequate means and still with all my own teeth. Ai was hwondering, is there a Mrs Magnifico?
Signed, Still Young At Heart, Unseen University"
There is only one Signora Magnifico in Fernando's life, that is Fernando's sainted mamma, may the gods smile upon her.
Fernando gets the many proposals for marriage from the Signorinas, and sometimes the young Signores also. Fernando is always flattered, but he has too much love in him for any one person. This does not mean that Fernando will never be married, but it will have to be to a very special person who understands that it is Fernando's mission to spread his love to everyone in the world, except perhaps the Quirmian footsballers, and Carlos, but Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos.
One of his missions. Fernando has many.
- "Dear Mr Magnifico,
My sisters Incontinentia and Chlamydia and I read your horoscopes every month, and we especially love to hear about your exciting life back in Brindisi. Is it true that you once saved a young woman from being eaten by a whole family of bears?
Signed, Prudencia Woolstocking (Miss)"
A whole family of bears? Fernando does not know where these stories come from. It was only the one bear, twenty feet tall on his back legs, with claws like daggers and teeth like even bigger daggers, and the bear he had found the signorina Valentina who was picking berries in the forest. Fortunately, Fernando was riding through the forest and came across them. Fernando's horse was frightened and threw Fernando and ran away, but Fernando got up and looked the bear straight in the eyes. The bear stood up on his back legs, thirty feet tall if he was an inch, and roared, and Fernando threw himself at the bear to save the signorina from being eaten. By the bear.
It was a terrible fight, for Fernando was unarmed except for a small stick he broke off a tree, but Fernando was victorious and the bear ran off into the forest and the signorina was saved. The cost was great though, for Fernando's favourite black silk shirt was ripped to shreds, and Fernando had to walk back to the village with his bare chest and back covered in terrible claw marks. From the bear you understand. Fernando's cousin Palomita had to go and have a lie down, and his Auntie Maria gave him a clip on the ear for riding bare-back and falling off the horse. She said that riding bare-back is dangerous, but Fernando laughs at danger.
- "Dear Mr Fernando,
What is your favourite opera?
Signed, Patron of the Arts."
Fernando has a great passion for the Brindisi opera. There are many such great operas, and it is very hard to decide which is best, but Fernando believes that perhaps the greatest of all is "Programma Nove da Spazio Cosmico" by the famed composer Eduardo Foresta. Who cannot be moved to tears by such as this?
E appena un salto il a sinistra
Ed allora un punto alla destra
Con le vostre mani sulle vostre anche
Portate le vostra ginocchia fortemente
Ma e la spinta pelvica che realmente lo guida insano
Li lascia ripetere il filo di ordito di tempo!
Fernando intends to make his new astrological charts, and next month the more usual horoscope should be back. Ciao bella!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Clog post 14 with YMPA and Reader In The Stacks
THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC
Post 14. BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (PART 2)
First Clog: "I can't let Morpork go"
So...I'm still here. But I'll be heading home soon. Maybe in a few days. Or something.
It's hard to leave Ankh-Morpork. It's like, um, quicksand. Or slurry. You try to drag yourself out and it keeps sucking you back in. I know, I know, it smells like quicksand mixed with slurry too, but there's something about this city... I've heard it said that the city is a woman (though in that case, it's a woman of very questionable personal hygiene) who gets under your skin, but that sounds very uncomfortable and also crowded. Of course, A-M is uncomfortable and crowded, so maybe they have a point, but it's just... so... fascinating here. And exciting. And dangerous. Okay, maybe less of the dangerous as a recommendation, but so very fascinating. They say -- "they" say a lot of things, don't they? -- there are a million stories in this big festering fragrant megalopolis, and that means an endless supply of inspirations for a Bard to write about.
But I'm going home soon. Really. Yes.
Very busy these days, but here's some assorted news:
Career goes from strength to strength! The Sisters of Invention is a five-piece now: myself, Listeria, Anaglypta (really taken to the lute, she has), Lucrezia (very decent on the mandolin and banjo), and an expatriate called LuRid from Morpork Below who apparently used to play Below with a band called the Vurm-lit Underground (good drummer, but his voice is a bit cracked). We're playing at least four nights a week now, and we've even joined the Musicians' Guild! For all the disturbing stories I've heard about the Guild, it seems like a tame enough organisation, and the rates aren't too bad...though I did hear they went through a major reorganisation a few years ago, so maybe that explains it.
One of our regular gigs now is at Wahoonie, I'm Home. This means I get my Barbarian at the Gate cocktails free. This in turn means a lot of scumble hangovers, which means a lot of hair of the dog (or of the "...mostly apples..."), which means I'm feeling a bit, um, liverish lately. Well, more than a bit. Might have to go back to beer. Though there are some interesting new cocktails on the drinks menu. These include the Tired and Emotional, which features Genuan creme de menthe, Brindisian grappa and BeTrobi Islands rum and has even more of a kick than the Rule You Wholesale (though less of a brassica flavour); the Aqueduct de Luxe, which claims to include real Ankh water with gin to "make it safe for drinking" (but I don't believe mere spirits could sanitise Ankh water); the Duke of Ankh, which is just sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon, but the barman does wave an unopened bottle of whisky near it before serving; the Grand Vizier, featuring melon liqueur from Al Khali and fig juice; and the Hook, Line and Stinkered, which believe it or not is made from fish consomme and Djelibeybian garlic wine. That one give a while new meaning to the phrase "liquid lunch"! Very inventive, these modern bartenders.
There's a new bookshop that's opened in Rime Street, near the Contract Bridge end -- it's called Waterstain's. I paid a visit the other day and found a real treasure: Bawdey Ballades, by A Wanton Ladye. I've put some of these to music and they're going down a treat at the Seamstresses' Guild gigs, especially when sung by Listeria with, um, explanatory gestures. Mr Waterstain is something of a treasure himself, very friendly and helpful. And he also sells lute strings! I'm putting this one on my personal Mapp.
Yesterday I met a man with a duck on his head. No-one seemed to notice it. How very A-M.
There's a display of antiquities, which is to say things dug up during the Undertaking, currently on view at an old house on Chrononhotonthologos Street. Very interesting.
There was a party at the home of Rosella, one of Mrs Palm's employees, last night. Much more interesting.
Had my first Dibbler sausage inna bun. Also my last Dibbler sausage inna bun. One and the same.
Mr Dibbler still wants to manage the Sisters. After that sausage? No chance.
Found an Uberwaldean restaurant called Grossenschweinebitzen (which translates in Morporkian as Many Parts of Pig). It's in Scrag End, just off Pigsty Hill, and they do Ghoulish. Proper Ghoulish! Best I've had since Bad Blitz on the Blut! I'll be going there again for sure.
A-M beer does not sit well on mornings after. Am back on the Barbarians. At least with a scumble hangover you know what you're getting, and even essence of dead sheep is better than some of the things they put in the beer here.
Bad smog last night - a real curry-souper. I could hardly sing for coughing. I could hardly play for inebriation too, but that's not the point. They say the Undertaking will help clear the air here; Gods know that would make A-M more appealing!
I'm going home soon. Really.
Here endeth this post.
Second Clog: "...and the course of true love never runs smooth..."
Cert moved back off campus. Not back in with us, though -- he's taken a room at the YMPA in God Street -- but we're still getting on well and not at all like a house on fire, as it were. He's not as deep in his studies now because he's taken a job on the Undertaking. It seems they need all the Technomancers they can get, and don't mind if they haven't a UU doctorate as long as they have Talent and experience. Cert definitely has experience, as you all know from reading this Clacks log! -- so he's being paid very well, which is how he was able to afford the genuine octarine pendant he bought me last week. I said I wasn't sure what to make of that, and he said I could always make an investment of it. Aww, how sweet!
I suggested the YMPA because so many people, well, denizens of A-M, recommend it. It's clean and pleasant in a slightly run-down way, and even more broad-minded than Mrs Cake about who resides there, if that's possible. I wrote a song about it:
Meanwhile, there's been another bit of what you might call romantic drama in our little circle...Lucrezia, of all people! It seems that some of her Little Errands took her to the University, and she met a special someone. A very special someone. It was one of those star-crossed relationships that was Never Meant to Be, but her life will never be the same again since she met the...
Must fly now. Rehearsal time! And then I'll start packing to go home. Really.
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for YMCA, by the Village
People, can be found at:
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/ymcalyrics.html
...and the original lyrics for Leader of the Pack, by the Shangri-Las, can be found at http://tinyurl.com/62zks4
Post 14. BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (PART 2)
First Clog: "I can't let Morpork go"
So...I'm still here. But I'll be heading home soon. Maybe in a few days. Or something.
It's hard to leave Ankh-Morpork. It's like, um, quicksand. Or slurry. You try to drag yourself out and it keeps sucking you back in. I know, I know, it smells like quicksand mixed with slurry too, but there's something about this city... I've heard it said that the city is a woman (though in that case, it's a woman of very questionable personal hygiene) who gets under your skin, but that sounds very uncomfortable and also crowded. Of course, A-M is uncomfortable and crowded, so maybe they have a point, but it's just... so... fascinating here. And exciting. And dangerous. Okay, maybe less of the dangerous as a recommendation, but so very fascinating. They say -- "they" say a lot of things, don't they? -- there are a million stories in this big festering fragrant megalopolis, and that means an endless supply of inspirations for a Bard to write about.
But I'm going home soon. Really. Yes.
Very busy these days, but here's some assorted news:
Career goes from strength to strength! The Sisters of Invention is a five-piece now: myself, Listeria, Anaglypta (really taken to the lute, she has), Lucrezia (very decent on the mandolin and banjo), and an expatriate called LuRid from Morpork Below who apparently used to play Below with a band called the Vurm-lit Underground (good drummer, but his voice is a bit cracked). We're playing at least four nights a week now, and we've even joined the Musicians' Guild! For all the disturbing stories I've heard about the Guild, it seems like a tame enough organisation, and the rates aren't too bad...though I did hear they went through a major reorganisation a few years ago, so maybe that explains it.
One of our regular gigs now is at Wahoonie, I'm Home. This means I get my Barbarian at the Gate cocktails free. This in turn means a lot of scumble hangovers, which means a lot of hair of the dog (or of the "...mostly apples..."), which means I'm feeling a bit, um, liverish lately. Well, more than a bit. Might have to go back to beer. Though there are some interesting new cocktails on the drinks menu. These include the Tired and Emotional, which features Genuan creme de menthe, Brindisian grappa and BeTrobi Islands rum and has even more of a kick than the Rule You Wholesale (though less of a brassica flavour); the Aqueduct de Luxe, which claims to include real Ankh water with gin to "make it safe for drinking" (but I don't believe mere spirits could sanitise Ankh water); the Duke of Ankh, which is just sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon, but the barman does wave an unopened bottle of whisky near it before serving; the Grand Vizier, featuring melon liqueur from Al Khali and fig juice; and the Hook, Line and Stinkered, which believe it or not is made from fish consomme and Djelibeybian garlic wine. That one give a while new meaning to the phrase "liquid lunch"! Very inventive, these modern bartenders.
***
There's a new bookshop that's opened in Rime Street, near the Contract Bridge end -- it's called Waterstain's. I paid a visit the other day and found a real treasure: Bawdey Ballades, by A Wanton Ladye. I've put some of these to music and they're going down a treat at the Seamstresses' Guild gigs, especially when sung by Listeria with, um, explanatory gestures. Mr Waterstain is something of a treasure himself, very friendly and helpful. And he also sells lute strings! I'm putting this one on my personal Mapp.
***
Yesterday I met a man with a duck on his head. No-one seemed to notice it. How very A-M.
***
There's a display of antiquities, which is to say things dug up during the Undertaking, currently on view at an old house on Chrononhotonthologos Street. Very interesting.
***
There was a party at the home of Rosella, one of Mrs Palm's employees, last night. Much more interesting.
***
Had my first Dibbler sausage inna bun. Also my last Dibbler sausage inna bun. One and the same.
Mr Dibbler still wants to manage the Sisters. After that sausage? No chance.
***
Found an Uberwaldean restaurant called Grossenschweinebitzen (which translates in Morporkian as Many Parts of Pig). It's in Scrag End, just off Pigsty Hill, and they do Ghoulish. Proper Ghoulish! Best I've had since Bad Blitz on the Blut! I'll be going there again for sure.
***
A-M beer does not sit well on mornings after. Am back on the Barbarians. At least with a scumble hangover you know what you're getting, and even essence of dead sheep is better than some of the things they put in the beer here.
***
Bad smog last night - a real curry-souper. I could hardly sing for coughing. I could hardly play for inebriation too, but that's not the point. They say the Undertaking will help clear the air here; Gods know that would make A-M more appealing!
***
I'm going home soon. Really.
Here endeth this post.
* * *
Second Clog: "...and the course of true love never runs smooth..."
Cert moved back off campus. Not back in with us, though -- he's taken a room at the YMPA in God Street -- but we're still getting on well and not at all like a house on fire, as it were. He's not as deep in his studies now because he's taken a job on the Undertaking. It seems they need all the Technomancers they can get, and don't mind if they haven't a UU doctorate as long as they have Talent and experience. Cert definitely has experience, as you all know from reading this Clacks log! -- so he's being paid very well, which is how he was able to afford the genuine octarine pendant he bought me last week. I said I wasn't sure what to make of that, and he said I could always make an investment of it. Aww, how sweet!
I suggested the YMPA because so many people, well, denizens of A-M, recommend it. It's clean and pleasant in a slightly run-down way, and even more broad-minded than Mrs Cake about who resides there, if that's possible. I wrote a song about it:
- Young mage, there's no need to feel down
I said, young mage, pick your robe off the ground
I said, young mage, you're in Ankh-Morpork town
There's no need to seek for lodgings
Igor, there's a place you'll fit in
I said, Igor, when your stitches wear thin
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many willing organ donors
It's fun to stay at the YMPA
To laugh and play at the YMPA
They have what it takes when you're putting down stakes
Drop your laundry at Mrs Cake's
It's fun to stay at the YMPA
Tenpence a day at the YMPA
You can practise your spells, you can make your own bed,
You can live like proper Undead...
Werewolf, are you ready for "Sit!"?
I said, Vampire, are you biter or bit?
I said, Banshee, you can be fright-ing fit
But I've got to tell you one thing:
No beast has to hunt on his own
I said, young wolf, there's no need to be lone
You just go there, to the YMPA
I'm sure there's a kennel today
It's fun to stay at the YMPA
The stoo is grey at the YMPA
They serve everyone there from Wizards to Fools
You can hang out with all the ghouls
It's fun to stay at the YMPA
You're not a stray at the YMPA
You can sleep on a slab, you can roost in a tree
Even practise necromancy...
Young mage, I was once lost as you
I said, I felt near as dead as Reg Shoe
I thought no one cared a figgin, you see
I felt the whole Disc hated me
That's when Creatures set me back on my feet
And said, human, take a walk up God Street
There's a place there called the YMPA
It's where Belshamharoth's friends stay...
They always stay at the YMPA
No need to pray at the YMPA
They have yellow soap, towels harder than boards
You can mix with the mis-matched hordes
Go right away to the YMPA
You'll shout "au lait!" at the YMPA
You can practise your spells, you can make your own bed,
You can live like proper Undead
You'll find it all at the YMPA!
* * *
Meanwhile, there's been another bit of what you might call romantic drama in our little circle...Lucrezia, of all people! It seems that some of her Little Errands took her to the University, and she met a special someone. A very special someone. It was one of those star-crossed relationships that was Never Meant to Be, but her life will never be the same again since she met the...
- READER IN THE STACKS
Is she really hanging out with him?
(Well, there she is. Let's ask her.)
Lucy, are those his banananas you're wearing?
"Mm-hmm..."
Gee, it must be great reading with him!
Is he picking you up by the scruff today?
"Uh-uh..."
By the way, where'd you meet him?
I met him at the Mended Drum
He threw a peanut shell at me
You want an iconograph? (yes, we see)
That's when I fell for
The Reader in the Stacks
My folks were always putting him down...down, down
They said, "He's not built to live on the ground..."
(Whatcha mean when ya say
That he's not built to live on the ground?)
They told me, "He's an ape!"
But I saw his true shape
That's why I fell for
The Reader in the Stacks
One day the Dean said, "Find someone new"
I had to tell my ape we were through
(Whatcha mean when ya say
The Librarian was no good for you?)
He stood there and asked me, "Ook?"
I borrowed another book
Ill never desert you, my Reader in the Stacks
He bared his teeth and swung for the sky
His cheek-pads beginning to glow
As he disappeared in those gloomy stacks
I begged him not to go
But whether he heard, I'll never know
Oh no! Hippo! Look out! Oh shi...!!!
I felt so helpless, what could I do
With Dungeon Dimensions Things leaking through?
In UU they point and stare
No Librarian? -- well, I don't care!
I'll never forget him
The Reader in the Stacks
The Reader in the Stacks -- now he's gone
The Reader in the Stacks -- orange brawn
The Reader in the Stacks -- not a prawn
The Reader in the Stacks -- now he's gone
* * *
Must fly now. Rehearsal time! And then I'll start packing to go home. Really.
-- Alice
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for YMCA, by the Village
People, can be found at:
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/ymcalyrics.html
...and the original lyrics for Leader of the Pack, by the Shangri-Las, can be found at http://tinyurl.com/62zks4
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