SWEET HOME AGATEA
by Weird Alice Lancrevic,
with apologies to Lynyrd Skynyrd
Big rug keep on flying
Carry me back to dear ol' Bes
With iconographs and Luggage
Do I miss HungHung? Well, um, yes
(Look! A magical chest!)
Well, I heard Morporkians don't trust us
Heard their Patrician put us down
I hope Ankh-Morpork remembers
Ten rhinu buys up the whole damn town
(Small change! Wow!)
SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE TEA IS SO GREEN
SWEET HOME AGATEA
SAMIZDAT SAYS WHERE I'VE BEEN
Now, in the Court Lord Hong was guv'nor
Til we did what we had to do
Cohen as Emperor does not bother me
Does tradition bother you?
(Think it through!)
SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE RICE PADDIES GREW
SWEET HOME AGATEA
FANGS, TANGS, HONGS, MACSWEENEYS TOO
Now, squishi chefs have got their blowfish
And they've been cause of a death or two
But we've far safer foodstuffs
Like pickled duck's feet and wonton stew
(They're yummier, too!)
SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE PEASANTS ARE LEAN
SWEET HOME AGATEA
I'LL COME HOME TO MAKE A SCENE
SWEET HOME AGATEA
WHERE THE ARMY IS RED
SWEET HOME AGATEA
YAY! THE EVIL VIZIER'S DEAD!
I'm coming home...
Friday, June 30, 2006
June 2006
KNOW YOUR SIGNS
Hello again, my dear Zodimaniacs! This month, instead of giving you the usual waffle about what the stars hold for your immediate future, I'm going to let you in on some important information: namely, what lies behind those constellations that so often hedgehog up your days and nights. Did you ever wonder how those constellations got their names? Or who first discovered them? Or, for that matter, why some of them keep changing? Well, now, let's consult the Book of Ultimate Reference, known to Roundworlders as The Discworld Companion, about that last one: Stars immediately ahead of the Turtle's line of flight change their position only very gradually, as do the ones aft. The ones at right angles, however, may easily alter their relative positions in the lifetime of the average person, so there is a constant need for an updating of the Zodiac, it sayeth. And, This does at least mean that astrology on the Disc is a dynamic thing and not a repository for some rather unimaginative mythology... (unimaginative? Hah! We're not all members of the N'Tuitif tribe, you know).
Every star has a story behind it. Granted, this tends to be a very short and technical story, along the lines of Gas wandered, gas coalesced, gas ignited, still burning, check for updates, but once those various stars formed patterns that could be seen by curious eyes - and some of those eyes have been curious indeed - constellations were born. And people gave them names, because people in all universes seem to suffer from a compulsion to name things... also because Twinkle, twinkle, little ball of superheated gases lacks a certain singalongability.
According to some sources, astrology was first invented in Ephebe, although the word astrology derives from the Latatian word astera (sky flower); there is also some argument favouring Hersheban origins. The Druids of Llamedos also claim to have been the first to chart the influence of the stars, but they would, wouldn't they - silly homicidal maniacs in dresses that they are. The Hublands barbarians are said to have developed a theory of certain constellations affecting the births and wars of humankind, but since Hublanders tend to be laconic, monosyllabic sorts who would never dream of using words like theory and certain and since civilised persons rarely see Hublanders except in the form of large, threatening hulks wielding large, threatening broadswords, little is known about the veracity of this.
Here, then, are the stories behind how the constellations of your Signs got their names...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The Adamant Hedgehog is a vigorous constellation of mostly blue-white giants with a spectacular halo of red dwarfs (not those dwarfs) that are usually taken to represent the Hedgehog's spines. The Hedgehog was first named by Calcum Forbearance Gluteal of Unseen University, a onetime UU Librarian whose main hobby was the cataloguing of popular and ancient folk songs of the Disc. To Professor Gluteal we owe the credit for the first written version of the Hedgehog Song, although it must be said that his version features quite a number of thick black lines drawn through parts of several verses. The Adamant Hedgehog is unusual for changing shape with surprising frequency; on some clear nights, it appears to be rolled into a ball. The High Energy Magic Department of UU sing their own version of the famous folksong, The Hedgehog Can Never Be Triangulated At All.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
The constellation Gahoolie was first named by Gardener Constant, topiarist to the Duchess of Quirm - Quirm being a place where imagination comes at a high enough premium to have its own tax rating. Its brightest stars are Chelsi (a white dwarf in Gufi, the primary celestial tulip) and Dafi, the so-called Thorn of Gahoolie. Constant is best known, otherwise, for his obsession with thorns; he was the first horticulturist to successfully cross a black tulip with the carnivorous Cackling Rose of the Tezuman jungles. He mysteriously disappeared one day from the Duchess' research greenhouse, but his name lives on, along with some oddly bloodstained garden gloves.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Herne the Hunted, the Lancrastian God of small, frightened, furry prey, is usually represented as being about three feet tall with long, floppy rabbit-ears and very small horns, but up in the skies his constellation is rather more impressive; for a start, his heavenly horns are said by the Society of Skywatchers to be more than five times as long as Great A'Tuin, and - no, Mrs Ogg, I am not going to discuss tonkers here, this is a family column! - his twitching nose takes the form of the variable star Rhobandi Hudiman. Herne's Nose sparkles with uncommon brightness and has helped many a small furred creature - and small inebriated human - to get home to a place of safety. Herne is a very long-known constellation, and was most probably named by an Ogg.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
The constellation known as the Wizard's Staff and Knob was named in 1786 in Bonk, Uberwald by the Von Husher sisters, Neurasthenia and Anaglypta, porphyric invalid twins who could bear no daylight and thus spent the long Uberwaldean nights studying the heavens (and searching for handsome young men to exsanguinate, but that's another story). The chief and brightest star of the Knob is called, strangely, Flaccus, despite having been first discovered by the Tsortean stargazer Erektus. Mind you, that was a long time ago, and things change.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
No mystery here as to the name of this constellation, but there is often disagreement as to its shape, or more properly what that shape represents. One school of thought holds that the constellation Bilious takes the form of a cocktail glass with one of those little paper umbrellas in it, but many say its wide-topped, long-stemmed form is actually a representation of a toilet bowl and the paper umbrella is a head bending over it.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
The constellation of Mubbo is said to be the heavenly spirit of the Hyena God of the Lost XXXXians, a relative of their similarly time-lost god Wezen the Double-headed Kangaroo; Wezen being another of the Disc's sixty-four constellations, but one that has since passed out of the skies as Great A'Tuin swims ever onward. Legend has it that Mubbo was once a powerful spirit that stole children from dingoes. Or perhaps stole dingoes from children. Far too much time and beer has obscured the original story.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, most distant constellation in the night skies and one of the few on a direct aft position to the Turtle's line of flight, was first discovered by Herbert Paternoster, a postal inspector from Sto Lat. This constellation is also noted for having been considered too insignificant to be counted by the wizard Numbers Riktor. It was, however, the subject of the controversial Methodia Rascal painting Io Watches Chickens, although some art critics claim that the tiny, faint dots in the upper right of the canvas are actually crumbs from the painter's toasted egg sandwich.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
The constellation picturing the god(dess) Androgyna Majestis is a relatively new discovery, having only appeared in the night skies barely a year ago. It was named by Ms Noreen Cumbersome, an amateur astronomer, Secretary of the Ankh-Morpork Women's Awareness Society (so called, it is said, because people are often unaware that many of its members are in fact women), and secret author of the popular Misericordia Mature series of bodice-ripper novels. Few people seem to agree on the exact shape of Androgyna, nor which of the constellation's distinctive purplish stars represent his/her dangly bits. Or, for that matter, what kind of dangly bits they're meant to represent.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Five brilliant azure stars - Huii, Duii, Luii, Britnii and Bueller - delineate the Toes of T'Phon, one of the great astral elephant Bearers of the Disc. The story of T'Phon's Toes is an ancient Howondaland myth (and one far too long and unexciting to be told here), but credit for the constellation's discovery goes to the mountaineer Ponsonby Surefoot Gumboot-Slyme, who first saw this stunning constellation when resting on the upper slopes of the north face of Cori Celesti. This credit was given posthumously, after his climbing journal was found on the lower slopes of Cori Celesti. It appears that he did finish the ascent, but came a cropper when trying to plant the Morporkian flag of conquest between the toes of Offler and struck a bunion.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
The constellation of Hoki the Jokester honours Hoki, yet another Ramtops nature god who, according to the Book of Ultimate Reference, usually manifests as an oak tree, a half-man/half-goat presence, or "his most common aspect as a bloody nuisance", and who is found only in deep woods in Lancre. But such is the nature of this nature god that he has been adopted (with a sort of infuriated fondness) by accident victims, persons passed over for promotion, and recent bridegrooms all over the Disc. Hoki's stellar form appears to be a bit undecided - it looks rather like a half-man/half-goat that got stuck in an oak tree. The brightest star in Hoki is the octarine dwarf Kummonnau, and is the favourite wishing star of those whose wishes never come true.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
The constellation of the Rather Large Gazunda was named in Brindisi by the late, lamented Credenza, Marchionessa di Rigatoni, who would swear upon this stellar confection to witness her doomed love for the young suitor Rumbelow, whose family - the Mountebanchis - were considered persona non grata by the Rigatonis. The broken-hearted Rumbelow took poison and asked Credenza to join him in his fatal protest, but she lost her nerve at the last moment and substituted a thimbleful of imported scumble; amazingly enough, she survived, and lived to the age of ninety, gazing mournfully at her favourite constellation and eating a lot of chocolate. Ever since, the Rather Large Gazunda has been considered the constellation of, um, star-crossed lovers.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Lesser Umbrage is a constellation that rarely excites much comment, being almost as small, boring and faint as the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars. Its only noteworthiness comes from its being the companion constellation to Great Umbrage, one of the most lifelike of all the constellations (read: one that looks most like an actual something, as opposed to one of those well, if you squint like so, and stand on one foot leaning Turnwise, and have had quite a lot of alcoholic beverages before coming outside to contemplate the starry heavens... wossnames), resembles nothing so much as a retired brigadier general awakened too soon, after lunch, cigars and port, by an overly enthusiastic almanack salesman. Lesser Umbrage was discovered and named, but no-one has yet bothered to come forth and take the credit. Sometimes a bunch of stars is just a bunch of stars, after all.
Hello again, my dear Zodimaniacs! This month, instead of giving you the usual waffle about what the stars hold for your immediate future, I'm going to let you in on some important information: namely, what lies behind those constellations that so often hedgehog up your days and nights. Did you ever wonder how those constellations got their names? Or who first discovered them? Or, for that matter, why some of them keep changing? Well, now, let's consult the Book of Ultimate Reference, known to Roundworlders as The Discworld Companion, about that last one: Stars immediately ahead of the Turtle's line of flight change their position only very gradually, as do the ones aft. The ones at right angles, however, may easily alter their relative positions in the lifetime of the average person, so there is a constant need for an updating of the Zodiac, it sayeth. And, This does at least mean that astrology on the Disc is a dynamic thing and not a repository for some rather unimaginative mythology... (unimaginative? Hah! We're not all members of the N'Tuitif tribe, you know).
Every star has a story behind it. Granted, this tends to be a very short and technical story, along the lines of Gas wandered, gas coalesced, gas ignited, still burning, check for updates, but once those various stars formed patterns that could be seen by curious eyes - and some of those eyes have been curious indeed - constellations were born. And people gave them names, because people in all universes seem to suffer from a compulsion to name things... also because Twinkle, twinkle, little ball of superheated gases lacks a certain singalongability.
According to some sources, astrology was first invented in Ephebe, although the word astrology derives from the Latatian word astera (sky flower); there is also some argument favouring Hersheban origins. The Druids of Llamedos also claim to have been the first to chart the influence of the stars, but they would, wouldn't they - silly homicidal maniacs in dresses that they are. The Hublands barbarians are said to have developed a theory of certain constellations affecting the births and wars of humankind, but since Hublanders tend to be laconic, monosyllabic sorts who would never dream of using words like theory and certain and since civilised persons rarely see Hublanders except in the form of large, threatening hulks wielding large, threatening broadswords, little is known about the veracity of this.
Here, then, are the stories behind how the constellations of your Signs got their names...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The Adamant Hedgehog is a vigorous constellation of mostly blue-white giants with a spectacular halo of red dwarfs (not those dwarfs) that are usually taken to represent the Hedgehog's spines. The Hedgehog was first named by Calcum Forbearance Gluteal of Unseen University, a onetime UU Librarian whose main hobby was the cataloguing of popular and ancient folk songs of the Disc. To Professor Gluteal we owe the credit for the first written version of the Hedgehog Song, although it must be said that his version features quite a number of thick black lines drawn through parts of several verses. The Adamant Hedgehog is unusual for changing shape with surprising frequency; on some clear nights, it appears to be rolled into a ball. The High Energy Magic Department of UU sing their own version of the famous folksong, The Hedgehog Can Never Be Triangulated At All.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
The constellation Gahoolie was first named by Gardener Constant, topiarist to the Duchess of Quirm - Quirm being a place where imagination comes at a high enough premium to have its own tax rating. Its brightest stars are Chelsi (a white dwarf in Gufi, the primary celestial tulip) and Dafi, the so-called Thorn of Gahoolie. Constant is best known, otherwise, for his obsession with thorns; he was the first horticulturist to successfully cross a black tulip with the carnivorous Cackling Rose of the Tezuman jungles. He mysteriously disappeared one day from the Duchess' research greenhouse, but his name lives on, along with some oddly bloodstained garden gloves.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Herne the Hunted, the Lancrastian God of small, frightened, furry prey, is usually represented as being about three feet tall with long, floppy rabbit-ears and very small horns, but up in the skies his constellation is rather more impressive; for a start, his heavenly horns are said by the Society of Skywatchers to be more than five times as long as Great A'Tuin, and - no, Mrs Ogg, I am not going to discuss tonkers here, this is a family column! - his twitching nose takes the form of the variable star Rhobandi Hudiman. Herne's Nose sparkles with uncommon brightness and has helped many a small furred creature - and small inebriated human - to get home to a place of safety. Herne is a very long-known constellation, and was most probably named by an Ogg.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
The constellation known as the Wizard's Staff and Knob was named in 1786 in Bonk, Uberwald by the Von Husher sisters, Neurasthenia and Anaglypta, porphyric invalid twins who could bear no daylight and thus spent the long Uberwaldean nights studying the heavens (and searching for handsome young men to exsanguinate, but that's another story). The chief and brightest star of the Knob is called, strangely, Flaccus, despite having been first discovered by the Tsortean stargazer Erektus. Mind you, that was a long time ago, and things change.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
No mystery here as to the name of this constellation, but there is often disagreement as to its shape, or more properly what that shape represents. One school of thought holds that the constellation Bilious takes the form of a cocktail glass with one of those little paper umbrellas in it, but many say its wide-topped, long-stemmed form is actually a representation of a toilet bowl and the paper umbrella is a head bending over it.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
The constellation of Mubbo is said to be the heavenly spirit of the Hyena God of the Lost XXXXians, a relative of their similarly time-lost god Wezen the Double-headed Kangaroo; Wezen being another of the Disc's sixty-four constellations, but one that has since passed out of the skies as Great A'Tuin swims ever onward. Legend has it that Mubbo was once a powerful spirit that stole children from dingoes. Or perhaps stole dingoes from children. Far too much time and beer has obscured the original story.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, most distant constellation in the night skies and one of the few on a direct aft position to the Turtle's line of flight, was first discovered by Herbert Paternoster, a postal inspector from Sto Lat. This constellation is also noted for having been considered too insignificant to be counted by the wizard Numbers Riktor. It was, however, the subject of the controversial Methodia Rascal painting Io Watches Chickens, although some art critics claim that the tiny, faint dots in the upper right of the canvas are actually crumbs from the painter's toasted egg sandwich.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
The constellation picturing the god(dess) Androgyna Majestis is a relatively new discovery, having only appeared in the night skies barely a year ago. It was named by Ms Noreen Cumbersome, an amateur astronomer, Secretary of the Ankh-Morpork Women's Awareness Society (so called, it is said, because people are often unaware that many of its members are in fact women), and secret author of the popular Misericordia Mature series of bodice-ripper novels. Few people seem to agree on the exact shape of Androgyna, nor which of the constellation's distinctive purplish stars represent his/her dangly bits. Or, for that matter, what kind of dangly bits they're meant to represent.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Five brilliant azure stars - Huii, Duii, Luii, Britnii and Bueller - delineate the Toes of T'Phon, one of the great astral elephant Bearers of the Disc. The story of T'Phon's Toes is an ancient Howondaland myth (and one far too long and unexciting to be told here), but credit for the constellation's discovery goes to the mountaineer Ponsonby Surefoot Gumboot-Slyme, who first saw this stunning constellation when resting on the upper slopes of the north face of Cori Celesti. This credit was given posthumously, after his climbing journal was found on the lower slopes of Cori Celesti. It appears that he did finish the ascent, but came a cropper when trying to plant the Morporkian flag of conquest between the toes of Offler and struck a bunion.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
The constellation of Hoki the Jokester honours Hoki, yet another Ramtops nature god who, according to the Book of Ultimate Reference, usually manifests as an oak tree, a half-man/half-goat presence, or "his most common aspect as a bloody nuisance", and who is found only in deep woods in Lancre. But such is the nature of this nature god that he has been adopted (with a sort of infuriated fondness) by accident victims, persons passed over for promotion, and recent bridegrooms all over the Disc. Hoki's stellar form appears to be a bit undecided - it looks rather like a half-man/half-goat that got stuck in an oak tree. The brightest star in Hoki is the octarine dwarf Kummonnau, and is the favourite wishing star of those whose wishes never come true.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
The constellation of the Rather Large Gazunda was named in Brindisi by the late, lamented Credenza, Marchionessa di Rigatoni, who would swear upon this stellar confection to witness her doomed love for the young suitor Rumbelow, whose family - the Mountebanchis - were considered persona non grata by the Rigatonis. The broken-hearted Rumbelow took poison and asked Credenza to join him in his fatal protest, but she lost her nerve at the last moment and substituted a thimbleful of imported scumble; amazingly enough, she survived, and lived to the age of ninety, gazing mournfully at her favourite constellation and eating a lot of chocolate. Ever since, the Rather Large Gazunda has been considered the constellation of, um, star-crossed lovers.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Lesser Umbrage is a constellation that rarely excites much comment, being almost as small, boring and faint as the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars. Its only noteworthiness comes from its being the companion constellation to Great Umbrage, one of the most lifelike of all the constellations (read: one that looks most like an actual something, as opposed to one of those well, if you squint like so, and stand on one foot leaning Turnwise, and have had quite a lot of alcoholic beverages before coming outside to contemplate the starry heavens... wossnames), resembles nothing so much as a retired brigadier general awakened too soon, after lunch, cigars and port, by an overly enthusiastic almanack salesman. Lesser Umbrage was discovered and named, but no-one has yet bothered to come forth and take the credit. Sometimes a bunch of stars is just a bunch of stars, after all.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
May 2006
Hello, my dear little Zodiac zingers! I'm back. Having chased that upstart bard Weird Alice Lancrevic back to her own overpaid corner, I've decided to do a bit of horoscopic housekeeping. You've already long since been given the lucky number, colour and fruit for each of your Signs, so this month I'm bringing you your Heavenly Letters. Hidden cunningly in each logological letterfest is a fair amount of advice from the stars above. Read on and enjoy!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your heavenly letter is: S
The sanguine synthesise sandalwood sabres and sterling silver sabots sell sausage sandwiches, sushi, and skewered shellfish. A soothing sabbatical satiates scholarly sages. Softly skirt stertorous septuagenarians; soft-soap senescent strangers sidestep smoggy streets for snowy southern slopes. Survey superb supernatural sites serenely. Shocking scoop: Sybil serves Sam sloppy seconds! Surly soromancers sully stylish salons.
Tip of the month: shave slowly!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Your heavenly letter is: A
Agatean alchemists, arrogantly astir, aerate arcane anhydrous aggregates. Agony Aunts arrive abreast; assassins augur abattoir activities. Archancellors, arms akimbo, affirm absolute authority. Aggressive Amazonian acrobats annoy author Anaemia Asterisk. Ankh's animal attractions: anteater, albatross, allosaurus, auk and armadillo. Attention! Ascorbic acid and alcohol aid and ameliorate aches, ague and assorted additional ailments.
Tip of the month: avoid azaleas.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your heavenly letter is: M
Make merry in May! Marvellous month, May. Many malcontents mercilessly mock municipal maidens; malnourished minstrels' mournful madrigals mock melancholy mediums. Masterfully masticate melons meat and maraschinos. Moody? -- martially mollicate mangy missionaries. Mustn't miss meals! Marry, Mistress, many mighty midgets means minute men mount minuscule masquerades. Meanwhile, misinformed ministers monopolise mayonnaise.
Tip of the month: mistrust marmosets.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your heavenly letter is: G
Gather for gustatory gambols, gallant gourmands: garnished goose with ginger and garlic, gazpacho, giblets and gorgonzola. Gorge gluttonously on gallons of grapes; gargle glasses of grappa; gobble Gimlet's golden gelatine. Giggle, goggle, gaily grab gigantic guavas, gefilte-fish, gherkins and guacamole. Get greater garments. Gurgle. guzzle, get going, good grief.
Tip of the month: gouge grouse.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your heavenly letter is: H
Hist, o hepatic hatters, hobnobbing hucksters and hamfisted Hublanders! Hie hence, o henpecked husbands, harried homemakers, haughty houris and hapless hoydens! Hark, hungover hedonists! Here's help for your hazardous hobby: holistic herbalists heal heavy hearts and huge headaches. Hazy holiday? Have hair of the hedgehog. Hogshead horrors? Hide hurts with holy honeybee hock. Heavenly!
Tip of the month: harangue hamsters.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Your heavenly letter is: O
Obey the ordained of Om. Omit obfuscation, optimise opportunities, and occlude oracles. Openly ogle Oggs owlishly. Osculate ovines outdoors; obsess overtly over olfactory oils. Obtain ornamental oarsmen, offset offside operators, orchestrate oblong ormolu ospreys and other opera-house owners. Obscenely outrange oracles; oppose oafish ostlers. Offski? One oughtta!
Tip of the month: ossify ocelots.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Your heavenly letter is: C
Capricious causality creates cranial chaos -- cry, cringe, clamour, caterwaul! Cunningly cheat cartographical carnage; cling chastely to cowardly catatonia. Cherish companionable contentment. Cleanse cluttered closets. Crush cranberries and celery for a cooling collation. Counter crawling, creeping cephalopods and crustaceans with citronella. Compliment crocodiles, castigate centaurs, charm cheetahs. Collapsing ceiling? -- Careful!
Tip of the month: collect coelacanths.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your heavenly letter is: P
Pished? Pixillated? Piffle! Prance, primp, pirouette; procure piquant potions and phials of phantasmagorical philtres; pander preciously to palpable pecuniary peccadilloes. Promote pinkly passionate purple prose in pleasant public places. Pulchritude powers prurient pneumatic prowess on pastoral pelmets. Provable pillow pressure? -- Pull, parvenu!
Tip of the month: pamper pineapples.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Your heavenly letter is: B
Beware Banjo, baobabs, bananananas, borzois, bold bustards, bedraggled badgers and batrachian badinage. Becalmed behind balsa banisters? Bothered by beastly banzai barristers? Bring benevolent bedbugs before bellicose beer-bellied batters. Bare bicuspids. Blushing brides: beckon benign brigadiers between benighted bedclothes. Brilliant brinksmanship buries blinkered bravoes.
Tip of the month: banish Bueller!
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Your heavenly letter is: F
Foppish, farthingale'd felons frighten feckless fabulists. Feisty, fruits fillies feast on frangipani, fuchsias and figgins. Frozen fjords feature fairly fallow frigates. February's fiery femur falls to fantastical febrifuges; fiddlers flay flesh from fraught fingers. Feature filial faithfulness, forsooth!
Tip of the month: fatten frogs.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Your heavenly letter is: L
Languid libertines lecherously like lycanthropes. Lumbering laboratory lagomorphs locate Luggage. Letterheads lend lasting legitimacy. Lugubrious lawyers lambaste larrikins; local lunatics lynch licentious legislators. Lave lingerie in luminescent lye. Leopards lazily lick lemonade lollies. Love loose leather? - lubricate lederhosen!
Tip of the month: liberate Librarians.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Your heavenly letter is: U
Umpteen urbane urban underwriters ululate uncannily. Upstanding uppercrust uncles upbraid ugly usurers. Ursine urgency: unbear-able urea. Unusual umpires ultimately utilise umbrella urns. Uffish umbles? - ugh! Uxorious ushers in umber ulsters use ukuleles upstairs. Unwary utopianists unleash umbrage upon unearthly ungulates' ulcerous ultramarine udders. Unruly urchins upset unique unicyclists. Unsure? Upgrade unto uranium!
Tip of the month: unite unicorns.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your heavenly letter is: S
The sanguine synthesise sandalwood sabres and sterling silver sabots sell sausage sandwiches, sushi, and skewered shellfish. A soothing sabbatical satiates scholarly sages. Softly skirt stertorous septuagenarians; soft-soap senescent strangers sidestep smoggy streets for snowy southern slopes. Survey superb supernatural sites serenely. Shocking scoop: Sybil serves Sam sloppy seconds! Surly soromancers sully stylish salons.
Tip of the month: shave slowly!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Your heavenly letter is: A
Agatean alchemists, arrogantly astir, aerate arcane anhydrous aggregates. Agony Aunts arrive abreast; assassins augur abattoir activities. Archancellors, arms akimbo, affirm absolute authority. Aggressive Amazonian acrobats annoy author Anaemia Asterisk. Ankh's animal attractions: anteater, albatross, allosaurus, auk and armadillo. Attention! Ascorbic acid and alcohol aid and ameliorate aches, ague and assorted additional ailments.
Tip of the month: avoid azaleas.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your heavenly letter is: M
Make merry in May! Marvellous month, May. Many malcontents mercilessly mock municipal maidens; malnourished minstrels' mournful madrigals mock melancholy mediums. Masterfully masticate melons meat and maraschinos. Moody? -- martially mollicate mangy missionaries. Mustn't miss meals! Marry, Mistress, many mighty midgets means minute men mount minuscule masquerades. Meanwhile, misinformed ministers monopolise mayonnaise.
Tip of the month: mistrust marmosets.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your heavenly letter is: G
Gather for gustatory gambols, gallant gourmands: garnished goose with ginger and garlic, gazpacho, giblets and gorgonzola. Gorge gluttonously on gallons of grapes; gargle glasses of grappa; gobble Gimlet's golden gelatine. Giggle, goggle, gaily grab gigantic guavas, gefilte-fish, gherkins and guacamole. Get greater garments. Gurgle. guzzle, get going, good grief.
Tip of the month: gouge grouse.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your heavenly letter is: H
Hist, o hepatic hatters, hobnobbing hucksters and hamfisted Hublanders! Hie hence, o henpecked husbands, harried homemakers, haughty houris and hapless hoydens! Hark, hungover hedonists! Here's help for your hazardous hobby: holistic herbalists heal heavy hearts and huge headaches. Hazy holiday? Have hair of the hedgehog. Hogshead horrors? Hide hurts with holy honeybee hock. Heavenly!
Tip of the month: harangue hamsters.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Your heavenly letter is: O
Obey the ordained of Om. Omit obfuscation, optimise opportunities, and occlude oracles. Openly ogle Oggs owlishly. Osculate ovines outdoors; obsess overtly over olfactory oils. Obtain ornamental oarsmen, offset offside operators, orchestrate oblong ormolu ospreys and other opera-house owners. Obscenely outrange oracles; oppose oafish ostlers. Offski? One oughtta!
Tip of the month: ossify ocelots.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Your heavenly letter is: C
Capricious causality creates cranial chaos -- cry, cringe, clamour, caterwaul! Cunningly cheat cartographical carnage; cling chastely to cowardly catatonia. Cherish companionable contentment. Cleanse cluttered closets. Crush cranberries and celery for a cooling collation. Counter crawling, creeping cephalopods and crustaceans with citronella. Compliment crocodiles, castigate centaurs, charm cheetahs. Collapsing ceiling? -- Careful!
Tip of the month: collect coelacanths.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your heavenly letter is: P
Pished? Pixillated? Piffle! Prance, primp, pirouette; procure piquant potions and phials of phantasmagorical philtres; pander preciously to palpable pecuniary peccadilloes. Promote pinkly passionate purple prose in pleasant public places. Pulchritude powers prurient pneumatic prowess on pastoral pelmets. Provable pillow pressure? -- Pull, parvenu!
Tip of the month: pamper pineapples.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Your heavenly letter is: B
Beware Banjo, baobabs, bananananas, borzois, bold bustards, bedraggled badgers and batrachian badinage. Becalmed behind balsa banisters? Bothered by beastly banzai barristers? Bring benevolent bedbugs before bellicose beer-bellied batters. Bare bicuspids. Blushing brides: beckon benign brigadiers between benighted bedclothes. Brilliant brinksmanship buries blinkered bravoes.
Tip of the month: banish Bueller!
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Your heavenly letter is: F
Foppish, farthingale'd felons frighten feckless fabulists. Feisty, fruits fillies feast on frangipani, fuchsias and figgins. Frozen fjords feature fairly fallow frigates. February's fiery femur falls to fantastical febrifuges; fiddlers flay flesh from fraught fingers. Feature filial faithfulness, forsooth!
Tip of the month: fatten frogs.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Your heavenly letter is: L
Languid libertines lecherously like lycanthropes. Lumbering laboratory lagomorphs locate Luggage. Letterheads lend lasting legitimacy. Lugubrious lawyers lambaste larrikins; local lunatics lynch licentious legislators. Lave lingerie in luminescent lye. Leopards lazily lick lemonade lollies. Love loose leather? - lubricate lederhosen!
Tip of the month: liberate Librarians.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Your heavenly letter is: U
Umpteen urbane urban underwriters ululate uncannily. Upstanding uppercrust uncles upbraid ugly usurers. Ursine urgency: unbear-able urea. Unusual umpires ultimately utilise umbrella urns. Uffish umbles? - ugh! Uxorious ushers in umber ulsters use ukuleles upstairs. Unwary utopianists unleash umbrage upon unearthly ungulates' ulcerous ultramarine udders. Unruly urchins upset unique unicyclists. Unsure? Upgrade unto uranium!
Tip of the month: unite unicorns.
We Will Survive
WE WILL SURVIVE
(Cohen and the Silver Horde)
by Weird Alice Lancrevic,
with apologies to Gloria Gaynor
First we were untamed, all uncivilised
Plund'ring the Disc for jewels and temple-girls with creamy thighs
But we sacked too many sites, til Teach said, "You do it wrong"
Still, we were strong
So much stronger than Lord Hong
And so we're back, from certain Death
If we can pillage and carouse
We don't need poncy things like breath
We stole the Agateans' throne, though it was under lock and key
Then, after giving them their freedom,
Conquered Cori Ce-les-ti
We're gone but no, we haven't left
Just turn around slow
Or by a broadsword you'll be cleft
We brought fire back to the gods
And jumped off the mountainside - you think we tumbled
When there were Valkyries to ride?!
Oh no, not us, we will survive
As long as we can swing a sword
We will keep the myth alive
We've got loincloths, we've got power, we've got virgins to deflower
And we'll survive, we will survive.
It took all the strength we had to defeat the gods
We tricked 'em good with rotten fish and brazened out the odds
Since Vena spent so many nights
Just knitting chain mail 'for the boys'
We slice and strut (that's just Hamish, yelling "WHUT?")
And you'll see Cohen, Old Vincent too
Caleb and Truckle and Boy Willie, charging down on you
We'll come to save (and wreck) the day
We won't politely fade away
There are thrones yet to be trodden
See, we're still dogs in our day
Oh yes, that's us, we will survive
As long as Discworld needs its heroes, the Silver Horde will thrive
We've got chutzpah, we've got guts
We've got Hamish, yelling "WHUT?!"
And we'll survive
We will survive
We will sur- "WHUT?"
(Cohen and the Silver Horde)
by Weird Alice Lancrevic,
with apologies to Gloria Gaynor
First we were untamed, all uncivilised
Plund'ring the Disc for jewels and temple-girls with creamy thighs
But we sacked too many sites, til Teach said, "You do it wrong"
Still, we were strong
So much stronger than Lord Hong
And so we're back, from certain Death
If we can pillage and carouse
We don't need poncy things like breath
We stole the Agateans' throne, though it was under lock and key
Then, after giving them their freedom,
Conquered Cori Ce-les-ti
We're gone but no, we haven't left
Just turn around slow
Or by a broadsword you'll be cleft
We brought fire back to the gods
And jumped off the mountainside - you think we tumbled
When there were Valkyries to ride?!
Oh no, not us, we will survive
As long as we can swing a sword
We will keep the myth alive
We've got loincloths, we've got power, we've got virgins to deflower
And we'll survive, we will survive.
It took all the strength we had to defeat the gods
We tricked 'em good with rotten fish and brazened out the odds
Since Vena spent so many nights
Just knitting chain mail 'for the boys'
We slice and strut (that's just Hamish, yelling "WHUT?")
And you'll see Cohen, Old Vincent too
Caleb and Truckle and Boy Willie, charging down on you
We'll come to save (and wreck) the day
We won't politely fade away
There are thrones yet to be trodden
See, we're still dogs in our day
Oh yes, that's us, we will survive
As long as Discworld needs its heroes, the Silver Horde will thrive
We've got chutzpah, we've got guts
We've got Hamish, yelling "WHUT?!"
And we'll survive
We will survive
We will sur- "WHUT?"
Sunday, April 30, 2006
April 2006 song titles
A KEY TO SONG TITLES FOR THE MUSICALLY INEPT
- My Way (Frank Sinatra):
- Vimes' Way
- Pretty Fly for a White Guy (Offspring):
- Pretty Fly for a Dead Guy
- Don't Fear the Reaper (Blue Oyster Cult):
- Won't Hear the Reaper
- I'd Do Anything for Love (Meat Loaf):
- I'd Print Anything for Truth
- Nothing But Mammals (Bloodhound Gang):
- Nothing But Coppers
- Dancing Queen (ABBA):
- Lancre Queen
- I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Badd):
- I Wanna HEX You Up
- Common People (Pulp):
- Dwarfish People
- I'm Too Sexy (Right Said Fred):
- I'm Too Brainy
- Losing My Religion (REM):
- Ruling Politician
- Walking on the Moon (Police):
- Sweeping With My Broom
- My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion):
- My Parts Will Go On
April 2006
LADY ASTERISK IS UNWELL
We are sad to announce that our famed Horroscopist and Astro-illogicaler, Anaemia Asterisk, has been diagnosed with a severe case of Exhaustia Nervosa and has taken herself off to Genua for a nice bowl of Mrs Gogol's restorative gumbo. However, WOSSNAME has procured (at great expense, we might add) the services of the Disc's only recognised† female Bard, Mistress "Weird Alice" Lancrevic, who has deigned to create some appropriate ditties for certain famous Discly persons born under the variouſ and diverſ Signs. Furthermore, Mistress Lanvrevic has graciously agreed (at yet more expense) to provide us hereafter with an especially crafted song or two every month. Only one or two, mind. Even a fanzine has to have some standards!
Lady Asterisk assures us that her absence will be brief and that she will be well enough to resume her Horrorscopic duties next month.
-- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.
† Recognised by all but the Associated and Ancient Bards of Llamedos -- those traditionalist, patriarchalist so-and-so's...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
For Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Watch
VIMES' WAY
And now my Sybil's near
And so I face some posh nob's soiree
My Watch, I'll make it clear:
That unsolved case is cause for worry
I've lived a life that's charmed, mostly unharmed
Though oft in crime's way
What's more, I'll tell you this - I did it Vimes' way.
Regrets, I've had a few (e.g. Reg Shoe), but now I'm wiser
No haze...of booze, my day's
Arranged by my Dis-organiser
de Worde won't give my due; I'll interview - but not The Times' way
From war to wedded bliss - I do it Vimes' way
For what is a Guard? What life's he got?
Besides himself, he has the Watch
To serve the Law, to walk the beats
And to protect Ankh-Morpork's streets
And though I'm tough, I'm not corrupt - I do things Vimes' way!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
For Reg Shoe of the Watch
PRETTY FLY FOR A DEAD GUY
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the Vitals say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy
My skin is more than cool, I'm a walking talking corpse
I'm not a ghost or ghoul but I haven't got life-force
My breathing days are through
But there's no call for grief
Cos all the life I lack, well, I fake with sheer belief!
I don't dare cough, because my bits fall off
You know Igor's gonna sew 'em back on, but he'll scoff
Gotta scrimp and save for a tidy grave
For me, no breath
For me, Undeath
It's no major strife to live my afterlife
At least I'll show you by example and you'll see the light
The world needs new zombies
You're slacking if you wanna breathe
The world needs new zombies
So oooh, do that Postvital thing!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
For Susan, Duchess of Sto Helits
WON'T HEAR THE REAPER
Ahh, again Grandfather's gone
But his day-job carries on
See, I won't hear the Reaper
Nor do his round - it messes my brain (I won't be what he is)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
I won't wear that dress (won't hear the Reaper)
I'm not wielding that scythe (won't hear the Reaper)
Binky, I'm not Death!
Stopping Time is fun
But I'm human from here on
Came a Rat and a Raven
I made it clear I couldn't be arsed
Then the window opened and the horse appeared
Walked through the wall and disappeared
I said, "Nuh-uh, that's way too weird" (la-la-la, I can't hear)
Go 'way, Raven (tell you I can't hear)
And I ran away (got my thumbs in my ears)
Got my poker and I let fly (don't wanna be like Granddad)
Now I'm taking my stand (don't wanna read lifetimers)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
go 'way, Ratty (won't hear the Reaper)
Go 'way, Raven
Won't hear the Reaper...
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For William de Worde, Editor and Proprietor of the A-M Times
I'D PRINT ANYTHING FOR TRUTH (BUT I WON'T PRINT THAT)
And I would print anything for Truth,
I'd send The Times right through the Clacks
I would do anything for Truth
But I won't publish til I check my facts
And I'll never go out without my notepad now, oh no, no way
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
But I can't use that, oh no, I won't print that.
If Cori Celesti's burning, if you say the Disc's stopped turning
I want an exclusive interview - and then I'll proofread it
I would print anything for Truth, I cherish rightness over tact
I would print anything for Truth, I took a vow to be exact
And I'll never forgive my staff if any detail isn't right
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
I would print anything for Truth
But I won't print that, no I won't print that...
"Will you write this up, will you set this down
"Will you tell me the gossip in this Patrician's town?
"Will you give me news that isn't too old?"
I can print that, oh yes! I can print that!
I know Ankh-Morpork, yes, I do my rounds
And despite grief from Rust, I will not leave town
>And sooner or later I'll be writing that down -
I can print that
Yes, I can print that!
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
For Nobby Nobbs of the Watch
NOTHING BUT COPPERS
Well now, we call this the act of policing, but
There are several very important distinctions
Between Watchmen and civilians you should know about
(Don't beat folks up in the Butts)
Shades baby, Shades baby, crime is a Morpork catch-me
You can't do that kind of stuff cos that's what coppers know about
So put yer swag down and dance, now I bet you feel dumb
Yes, I'm Nobby, yes, he's Colon, and yer gettin' nicked, my chum
Be nice enough, we won't rough you up
Unlicenced Thieves outta yer cribs
Larceny-lovers, we've got you covered - like Sham Harga's famous ribs
Come quick, Forensics, establish dead Dwarf's sex
Send for Sergeant Detritus!
I am inclined to take my smoking break early
By the Brass Bridge, wasting time
Book 'em now!
You an' me, Fred, we ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's take 'em down the Yard and we can lock 'em up proper
You an' me, Fred, ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's follow good procedure and we won't come a cropper
Getting legal now!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
For King Verence II of Lancre
LANCRE QUEEN
Friday night and the scumble's low - Lancre town is the place to go
Shawn Ogg's practising trumpet
With his arm in a sling
He'll make me sound like a King
I'm quite Foolish, but I'm their guy - I'm okay in the public eye
With my Magrat beside me, everything is fine
She makes me toe the line
And she is mine, all mine...
She is my Lancre Queen, vague and wet but her magic's keen
Lancre Queen, mucking in to keep Lancre clean, oh yeah
She can chant spells for life, she makes a wonderful wife
See that witch, witch in green
She is my Lancre Queen.
She's a mum and she cleans my room - guards the kingdom on her broom
Nagged by Nanny and Esme, what's a Queen to do?
Oh well, she knows kung-fu
And she has occult jewels...
She is my Lancre Queen, prim and proper with good hygiene
Lancre Queen, best this country has ever seen, oh yeah
She wears pants, she's so nice, and she makes house-calls to Slice!
See that witch, witch serene
She is my Lancre Queen.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
For Ponder Stibbons of the UU High Energy Magic Department
I WANNA HEX YOU UP
C'mon HEX, why aren't you running? Cos you know I want news..
I don't wanna do spells to work you
Cos quantum's better
Looky, I'm slipping in your FTB - Big Mad Adrian can tend you all day
Cos the first time I built you, I wanted to eat some pizza
Your anthills are throbbin', so HEX, can I work you?
Cos you and I both know magic's for squares
I'll get the Wow-Wow Sauce outta the pond
I want you to print the first thing on your mind
Cos on a scale of one to ten, no question you're an Eight
I'm addicted to you cos you answer stuff
And Wizards, Ponder Stibbons
Is gonna HEX you up!
Hey, Great Thinking Engine, I need facts tonight
Lovely, lovely data
I wanna make the Bursar's night, yeah
I can't deny, HEXy, I wanna feed you cheese
You're such a fine machine - all I wanna do is
I want to HEX you up (I wanna HEX you up)
All night (need some sushi and cheese)
I want to (here's your FTB!) HEX you up.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the A-M Watch
DWARFISH PEOPLE
She came from Uberwald with her own collar
Studied policing for the Morpork dollar
That's when I
Walked on by
Told her the mines were where I grew up
She said, "In that case I'll have rat-onna-stick with catsup"
I said, "Fine."
In Gimlet's delicatessen she said,
"I want to live like Dwarfish people
"I want to do what Dwarfish people do
"I want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"I want to mine with a dezka-knick, like you."
Well, what else could I do - I said, "Gr'duzk to you!"
I took her to the Jar'ak'haga
I don't know why, but maybe cos I'm a Dr'zka, so we started there.
I said, "Pretend you're three foot seven."
She just laughed and said "Oh, you're so clever."
I said, "Yeah? Well, I can't see any B'zugda-hiara here!
"Are you sure you want to live like Dwarfish people,
"You want to eat whatever Dwarfish people eat,
"You want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"You want to mine with Dwarf Kzad-bhats, like me?"
But she didn't really grok
She just smiled and stroked my Kruk...
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
For Leonard of Quirm
I'M TOO BRAINY
I'm too brainy for my robes, too brainy for my robes
I've got postfrontal lobes
And I'm too brainy for Sto Lat,
Too brainy for Sto Lat, Morpork and Bad Ass
And I'm too brainy for your city, too brainy for your city
Oh yes, I'm sitting pretty
I'm a thinker, you know what I mean
And I do my inspired turn with my notebook
Yes, with my notebook, with my notebook
Yes, I do my calculations in my notebook
I'm too brainy for your wars, too brainy to make war
Don't know what it's for
And I'm too brainy for my skull, too brainy for my skull
Why do you think I went bald?
I'm too brainy for Lord Vet, too brainy for Lord Vet
Poor Patrician, poor Havelock
I'm too brainy for my books, too brainy for my books
Librarian's going to punch me
And I'm too brainy for this Disc!
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
For Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork
RULING POLITICIAN
Ankh is bigger
Bigger than Sam Vimes, and Vimes is not me
The plots that I will go through
The Dark Clerks in my pay
I never say too much, just set them up
That's me in the Palace, kept out of the spotlight: Ruling Politician
Trying to stay Number One, and I can keep the city running
I never say too much - and mimes don't say enough
I thought that I heard Assassins, I thought Drumknott let some in
I think he thought that I can't die...
Every whimper in every scorpion pit, "Damned Ruling Politician!"
I try to keep an eye on you
Beggars, Seamstresses and Fools
I never say too much, just wind you up
Consider me: the Scourge of the War of Leshp
Consider me: the Gonne that brought me to my knees failed
Those secret societies
Come flailing around
Still, I don't say too much
I thought that I heard some Klatchians, or Dungeon Dimensions din
I think they thought they might slip by
But that was just their scheme, that was just their scheme
That's me in the Palace, that's me in the hot seat
Ruling as Patrician...
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
For Lu-Tze of the History Monks
SWEEPING WITH MY BROOM
Careful steps are what I take, sweeping with my broom
Fresh history I make, sweeping with my broom
I create Forever, sweeping with my broom
I cause quantum weather
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I have hardly touched my tea, sweeping with my broom
Qu makes too much work for me
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.
Some may say, "The future's not yesterday" - no way
I'm spinning out Time to pay - your way
Tomorrow's a tick away - make hay!
The Abbot will play...
Cosmopilite, yo-yo
Cosmopilite yo-yo
The Yeti's right, yo-yo.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
For Igor
MY PARTS WILL GO ON
Every night in my lab
I sew you, I mend you
That is how an Igor goes on
Far across the futures and sutures between us
I have come to prove I go on
Ears, hearts, I keep them in jars
And believe that my parts will go on
Once more I rebuild my core
From my eyes to my toenails, my parts will go on and on.
Surgery's not "one-time", it's more like a lifestyle
Never stop improving technique
Love is fixing organs (like kidneys and bile glands)
In post-life an Igor's unique
Arms, knees, I cure of disease
To make sure that my parts will go on
Once more, I close open sores
From my hair to my liver, my parts will go on and on.
Sit here, there's nothing to fear
For you know that my medicine's strong
Brains, nerves, I heal and preserve
You are safe on my slab
And my parts will go on and on.
Please note that a guide to song titles for the musically inept has been provided here.
We are sad to announce that our famed Horroscopist and Astro-illogicaler, Anaemia Asterisk, has been diagnosed with a severe case of Exhaustia Nervosa and has taken herself off to Genua for a nice bowl of Mrs Gogol's restorative gumbo. However, WOSSNAME has procured (at great expense, we might add) the services of the Disc's only recognised† female Bard, Mistress "Weird Alice" Lancrevic, who has deigned to create some appropriate ditties for certain famous Discly persons born under the variouſ and diverſ Signs. Furthermore, Mistress Lanvrevic has graciously agreed (at yet more expense) to provide us hereafter with an especially crafted song or two every month. Only one or two, mind. Even a fanzine has to have some standards!
Lady Asterisk assures us that her absence will be brief and that she will be well enough to resume her Horrorscopic duties next month.
-- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.
† Recognised by all but the Associated and Ancient Bards of Llamedos -- those traditionalist, patriarchalist so-and-so's...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
For Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Watch
VIMES' WAY
And now my Sybil's near
And so I face some posh nob's soiree
My Watch, I'll make it clear:
That unsolved case is cause for worry
I've lived a life that's charmed, mostly unharmed
Though oft in crime's way
What's more, I'll tell you this - I did it Vimes' way.
Regrets, I've had a few (e.g. Reg Shoe), but now I'm wiser
No haze...of booze, my day's
Arranged by my Dis-organiser
de Worde won't give my due; I'll interview - but not The Times' way
From war to wedded bliss - I do it Vimes' way
For what is a Guard? What life's he got?
Besides himself, he has the Watch
To serve the Law, to walk the beats
And to protect Ankh-Morpork's streets
And though I'm tough, I'm not corrupt - I do things Vimes' way!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
For Reg Shoe of the Watch
PRETTY FLY FOR A DEAD GUY
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the Vitals say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy
My skin is more than cool, I'm a walking talking corpse
I'm not a ghost or ghoul but I haven't got life-force
My breathing days are through
But there's no call for grief
Cos all the life I lack, well, I fake with sheer belief!
I don't dare cough, because my bits fall off
You know Igor's gonna sew 'em back on, but he'll scoff
Gotta scrimp and save for a tidy grave
For me, no breath
For me, Undeath
It's no major strife to live my afterlife
At least I'll show you by example and you'll see the light
The world needs new zombies
You're slacking if you wanna breathe
The world needs new zombies
So oooh, do that Postvital thing!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
For Susan, Duchess of Sto Helits
WON'T HEAR THE REAPER
Ahh, again Grandfather's gone
But his day-job carries on
See, I won't hear the Reaper
Nor do his round - it messes my brain (I won't be what he is)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
I won't wear that dress (won't hear the Reaper)
I'm not wielding that scythe (won't hear the Reaper)
Binky, I'm not Death!
Stopping Time is fun
But I'm human from here on
Came a Rat and a Raven
I made it clear I couldn't be arsed
Then the window opened and the horse appeared
Walked through the wall and disappeared
I said, "Nuh-uh, that's way too weird" (la-la-la, I can't hear)
Go 'way, Raven (tell you I can't hear)
And I ran away (got my thumbs in my ears)
Got my poker and I let fly (don't wanna be like Granddad)
Now I'm taking my stand (don't wanna read lifetimers)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
go 'way, Ratty (won't hear the Reaper)
Go 'way, Raven
Won't hear the Reaper...
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For William de Worde, Editor and Proprietor of the A-M Times
I'D PRINT ANYTHING FOR TRUTH (BUT I WON'T PRINT THAT)
And I would print anything for Truth,
I'd send The Times right through the Clacks
I would do anything for Truth
But I won't publish til I check my facts
And I'll never go out without my notepad now, oh no, no way
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
But I can't use that, oh no, I won't print that.
If Cori Celesti's burning, if you say the Disc's stopped turning
I want an exclusive interview - and then I'll proofread it
I would print anything for Truth, I cherish rightness over tact
I would print anything for Truth, I took a vow to be exact
And I'll never forgive my staff if any detail isn't right
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
I would print anything for Truth
But I won't print that, no I won't print that...
"Will you write this up, will you set this down
"Will you tell me the gossip in this Patrician's town?
"Will you give me news that isn't too old?"
I can print that, oh yes! I can print that!
I know Ankh-Morpork, yes, I do my rounds
And despite grief from Rust, I will not leave town
>And sooner or later I'll be writing that down -
I can print that
Yes, I can print that!
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
For Nobby Nobbs of the Watch
NOTHING BUT COPPERS
Well now, we call this the act of policing, but
There are several very important distinctions
Between Watchmen and civilians you should know about
(Don't beat folks up in the Butts)
Shades baby, Shades baby, crime is a Morpork catch-me
You can't do that kind of stuff cos that's what coppers know about
So put yer swag down and dance, now I bet you feel dumb
Yes, I'm Nobby, yes, he's Colon, and yer gettin' nicked, my chum
Be nice enough, we won't rough you up
Unlicenced Thieves outta yer cribs
Larceny-lovers, we've got you covered - like Sham Harga's famous ribs
Come quick, Forensics, establish dead Dwarf's sex
Send for Sergeant Detritus!
I am inclined to take my smoking break early
By the Brass Bridge, wasting time
Book 'em now!
You an' me, Fred, we ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's take 'em down the Yard and we can lock 'em up proper
You an' me, Fred, ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's follow good procedure and we won't come a cropper
Getting legal now!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
For King Verence II of Lancre
LANCRE QUEEN
Friday night and the scumble's low - Lancre town is the place to go
Shawn Ogg's practising trumpet
With his arm in a sling
He'll make me sound like a King
I'm quite Foolish, but I'm their guy - I'm okay in the public eye
With my Magrat beside me, everything is fine
She makes me toe the line
And she is mine, all mine...
She is my Lancre Queen, vague and wet but her magic's keen
Lancre Queen, mucking in to keep Lancre clean, oh yeah
She can chant spells for life, she makes a wonderful wife
See that witch, witch in green
She is my Lancre Queen.
She's a mum and she cleans my room - guards the kingdom on her broom
Nagged by Nanny and Esme, what's a Queen to do?
Oh well, she knows kung-fu
And she has occult jewels...
She is my Lancre Queen, prim and proper with good hygiene
Lancre Queen, best this country has ever seen, oh yeah
She wears pants, she's so nice, and she makes house-calls to Slice!
See that witch, witch serene
She is my Lancre Queen.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
For Ponder Stibbons of the UU High Energy Magic Department
I WANNA HEX YOU UP
C'mon HEX, why aren't you running? Cos you know I want news..
I don't wanna do spells to work you
Cos quantum's better
Looky, I'm slipping in your FTB - Big Mad Adrian can tend you all day
Cos the first time I built you, I wanted to eat some pizza
Your anthills are throbbin', so HEX, can I work you?
Cos you and I both know magic's for squares
I'll get the Wow-Wow Sauce outta the pond
I want you to print the first thing on your mind
Cos on a scale of one to ten, no question you're an Eight
I'm addicted to you cos you answer stuff
And Wizards, Ponder Stibbons
Is gonna HEX you up!
Hey, Great Thinking Engine, I need facts tonight
Lovely, lovely data
I wanna make the Bursar's night, yeah
I can't deny, HEXy, I wanna feed you cheese
You're such a fine machine - all I wanna do is
I want to HEX you up (I wanna HEX you up)
All night (need some sushi and cheese)
I want to (here's your FTB!) HEX you up.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the A-M Watch
DWARFISH PEOPLE
She came from Uberwald with her own collar
Studied policing for the Morpork dollar
That's when I
Walked on by
Told her the mines were where I grew up
She said, "In that case I'll have rat-onna-stick with catsup"
I said, "Fine."
In Gimlet's delicatessen she said,
"I want to live like Dwarfish people
"I want to do what Dwarfish people do
"I want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"I want to mine with a dezka-knick, like you."
Well, what else could I do - I said, "Gr'duzk to you!"
I took her to the Jar'ak'haga
I don't know why, but maybe cos I'm a Dr'zka, so we started there.
I said, "Pretend you're three foot seven."
She just laughed and said "Oh, you're so clever."
I said, "Yeah? Well, I can't see any B'zugda-hiara here!
"Are you sure you want to live like Dwarfish people,
"You want to eat whatever Dwarfish people eat,
"You want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"You want to mine with Dwarf Kzad-bhats, like me?"
But she didn't really grok
She just smiled and stroked my Kruk...
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
For Leonard of Quirm
I'M TOO BRAINY
I'm too brainy for my robes, too brainy for my robes
I've got postfrontal lobes
And I'm too brainy for Sto Lat,
Too brainy for Sto Lat, Morpork and Bad Ass
And I'm too brainy for your city, too brainy for your city
Oh yes, I'm sitting pretty
I'm a thinker, you know what I mean
And I do my inspired turn with my notebook
Yes, with my notebook, with my notebook
Yes, I do my calculations in my notebook
I'm too brainy for your wars, too brainy to make war
Don't know what it's for
And I'm too brainy for my skull, too brainy for my skull
Why do you think I went bald?
I'm too brainy for Lord Vet, too brainy for Lord Vet
Poor Patrician, poor Havelock
I'm too brainy for my books, too brainy for my books
Librarian's going to punch me
And I'm too brainy for this Disc!
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
For Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork
RULING POLITICIAN
Ankh is bigger
Bigger than Sam Vimes, and Vimes is not me
The plots that I will go through
The Dark Clerks in my pay
I never say too much, just set them up
That's me in the Palace, kept out of the spotlight: Ruling Politician
Trying to stay Number One, and I can keep the city running
I never say too much - and mimes don't say enough
I thought that I heard Assassins, I thought Drumknott let some in
I think he thought that I can't die...
Every whimper in every scorpion pit, "Damned Ruling Politician!"
I try to keep an eye on you
Beggars, Seamstresses and Fools
I never say too much, just wind you up
Consider me: the Scourge of the War of Leshp
Consider me: the Gonne that brought me to my knees failed
Those secret societies
Come flailing around
Still, I don't say too much
I thought that I heard some Klatchians, or Dungeon Dimensions din
I think they thought they might slip by
But that was just their scheme, that was just their scheme
That's me in the Palace, that's me in the hot seat
Ruling as Patrician...
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
For Lu-Tze of the History Monks
SWEEPING WITH MY BROOM
Careful steps are what I take, sweeping with my broom
Fresh history I make, sweeping with my broom
I create Forever, sweeping with my broom
I cause quantum weather
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I have hardly touched my tea, sweeping with my broom
Qu makes too much work for me
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.
Some may say, "The future's not yesterday" - no way
I'm spinning out Time to pay - your way
Tomorrow's a tick away - make hay!
The Abbot will play...
Cosmopilite, yo-yo
Cosmopilite yo-yo
The Yeti's right, yo-yo.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
For Igor
MY PARTS WILL GO ON
Every night in my lab
I sew you, I mend you
That is how an Igor goes on
Far across the futures and sutures between us
I have come to prove I go on
Ears, hearts, I keep them in jars
And believe that my parts will go on
Once more I rebuild my core
From my eyes to my toenails, my parts will go on and on.
Surgery's not "one-time", it's more like a lifestyle
Never stop improving technique
Love is fixing organs (like kidneys and bile glands)
In post-life an Igor's unique
Arms, knees, I cure of disease
To make sure that my parts will go on
Once more, I close open sores
From my hair to my liver, my parts will go on and on.
Sit here, there's nothing to fear
For you know that my medicine's strong
Brains, nerves, I heal and preserve
You are safe on my slab
And my parts will go on and on.
Please note that a guide to song titles for the musically inept has been provided here.
Friday, March 31, 2006
March 2006
Ah, the magic of the moving pictures! Roundworld has just had its yearly "Oscars" feeding frenzy, so isn't it timely that a certain friend of mine has unearthed a long-forgotten cache of classic clicks that survived the destruction of Holy Wood? I've watched them all, and as that nice Mr Dibbler is arranging to distribute copies at a cutting-his-own-throat price, I'm using this month's Horoscope to suggest which clicks would be most entertaining for beings born under each Sign. So spruce up your projector-imps, cuddle up on the sofa, and don't forget the banged grains...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
COOL HAND OOOK: a gritty, hard-hitting, soft-fruit-chucking ape-flick set in a small Howondaland stockade. See the famous banana-eating contest! See the alpha male challenge the ruling authorities! Starring Mel Gibbon in his most famous cross-species performance.
MY STEPMOTHER IS A KLATCHIAN: the hilarious misadventures of Jenny Klatch, a secret agent who tries to infiltrate Ankh-Morpork in the guise of a sex-bomb housewife and ends up falling for A-M ways. Priceless, and also only AM$7 for a copy!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
NEVER GIVE A VIZIER AN EVEN BREAK: a chaotic Agatean comedy-fest set among the perpetual wars between the Fang, Hong and MacSweeney clans. Poisoning was never so side-splittingly funny before!
GNOME IN 60 SECONDS: see Buggy Swires and Hamish Mac Feegle in their first and only team-up! They unite to solve a rash of buzzard-stealing...from the inside. The aerial scenes will make you reel! And possibly hurl.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
LANCRASTIC PARK: terrifying palaeo-imps, extracted from ancient scumble dregs in Bad Ass, run amok in a theme park opened by C.M.O.T. Dibbler. Just when you thought it was safe to go into the nature reserve...
MY FAIR LYCANTHROPE: a classic, memorably tuneful musical about a professor who decides to prove that young dogs can learn new tricks. Contains the famous song "I Could Have Barked All Night".
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
A MAN FOR ALL SEASONINGS: the stirring - and chopping, and dicing, and grilling, and baking, and stir-frying - story of the King who would be Chef. The special effects will make your mouth water!
THE MAGNIFICENT 7+1: in the greatest mid-western ever filmed, an octet of wizards fight evil and each other across the Sto Plains, against the background of a world gone madde, or at least Bursar.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
HOW THE WURST WAS WON: the dramatic story of the quest to create the BEST SAUSAGE IN UBERWALD! With 1,000 ELEPHANTS! And NAMED MEAT!
PRETTY DEMON: the story they said couldn't be told! A beautiful young wood-nymph joins the Seamstresses' Guild and captures the heart of a handsome rubber-products tycoon. Star-crossed romance that will tug at your heartstrings!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
HOWONDALAND SMITH AND THE TEMPURA OF DOOM: our intrepid hero bites off more than he can chew when he steals the Jewel of the Djel and finds himself chased by camel-riding ninjas, sword-wielding handmaidens, and the Klatchian Foreign Legion!
BIG TROUBLE IN BES PELARGIC: a Morporkian cart driver takes a holiday in Agatea and has to rescue the locals from a plague of ancient vampire ghosts. Magic, explosions, kung fu - this one has it all!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ONE NIGHT: in which a reporter for The Times doesn't meet an heiress, doesn't go to exotic far-flung romantic places, and totally fails to have any kind of excitement or adventure. Guaranteed safe and unexciting viewing, but available with subtitled exclamation marks for the braver among you.
CLACKSWISE: brilliant slapstick comedy about a fussy Dark Clerk who throws the Patrician's Palace into disarray with his obsessive timekeeping. Best Silly Walks in the history of clicks-making! Contains no pineapples.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
VICTOR/VICTORIA/LADDIE: the heart-rending emotional trials of an unfortunate soul who's part man, part woman and part werewolf. And you thought you had a hard life...
SOME LIKE IT NOBBS: it's an all-singing, all-dancing, all-cross-dressing musical extravaganza when a pair of Watchmen investigate mob activities by joining a band managed by Chrysoprase. Great tunes, great frocks; great Io, there are some scary sartorial sights!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT WIDDERSHINS: laugh with action star Flint Beastwood as a roustabout wanderer who travels the Disc with his pet chimp Nobby, wreaking havoc every step of the way from Sto Helit to Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenos! Another Mel Gibbon triumph.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE HUB: you'll recoil in fear as cold-blooded Assassin Mr Teatime stalks the Tooth Fairy because he's been hired to inhume all in the Castle of Bo- oh wait, wrong story. This is an epic about killers and land-grabbers. Same thing, really.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
THE GODMOTHER: sweeping tale of a subtly evil witch's rise to power, and how she rules over a clan of potion-peddlers with a fist of iron and a mouth full of marbles. Not recommended for children, muhahaha.
THE CHRONICLES OF PSEUDOPOLIS YARD - THE LIAR, THE WATCH AND THE WARDROOM: in which Done It Duncan finds a magic wardrobe that lets him enter the Watch House whenever he wants, to confess to all the unsolved crimes in Ankh-Morpork. Great special effects!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
DANCES WITH ELVES: the enchanting, haha, story of a Lancre Morris dancer who gets captured, and then adopted, by the Lords and Ladies. Features Jason Ogg in his first film role - and real Morris dancers. No stunt-men were harmed in the making of the Stick and Bucket dance!
BRASSICA INSTINCT: a spine-tingling thriller in which a wealthy, married, Quirmian brassica farmer is seduced by a wicked, vengeful temptress from Sto Lat. The cabbage-stabbing scene is unforgettable!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
BACK TO THE SUTURE: the thrill-a-minute fantastic tale of how a young Igor has to travel through time to make sure 1.21 gigawatts of lightning get sent through the corpse of his all-important ancestor. Horrors previously untold! Excellent stitiching techniques demonstrated!
LOWLANDER: Swords! Stirring battles! Mousepipes! Lawyers! A once-in-a-lifetime, headbuttingly pulse-pounding tale of the Nac Mac Feegle's struggle to produce the ultimate dirty-fighter. Dere can only be one t'ousand!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
COOL HAND OOOK: a gritty, hard-hitting, soft-fruit-chucking ape-flick set in a small Howondaland stockade. See the famous banana-eating contest! See the alpha male challenge the ruling authorities! Starring Mel Gibbon in his most famous cross-species performance.
MY STEPMOTHER IS A KLATCHIAN: the hilarious misadventures of Jenny Klatch, a secret agent who tries to infiltrate Ankh-Morpork in the guise of a sex-bomb housewife and ends up falling for A-M ways. Priceless, and also only AM$7 for a copy!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
NEVER GIVE A VIZIER AN EVEN BREAK: a chaotic Agatean comedy-fest set among the perpetual wars between the Fang, Hong and MacSweeney clans. Poisoning was never so side-splittingly funny before!
GNOME IN 60 SECONDS: see Buggy Swires and Hamish Mac Feegle in their first and only team-up! They unite to solve a rash of buzzard-stealing...from the inside. The aerial scenes will make you reel! And possibly hurl.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
LANCRASTIC PARK: terrifying palaeo-imps, extracted from ancient scumble dregs in Bad Ass, run amok in a theme park opened by C.M.O.T. Dibbler. Just when you thought it was safe to go into the nature reserve...
MY FAIR LYCANTHROPE: a classic, memorably tuneful musical about a professor who decides to prove that young dogs can learn new tricks. Contains the famous song "I Could Have Barked All Night".
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
A MAN FOR ALL SEASONINGS: the stirring - and chopping, and dicing, and grilling, and baking, and stir-frying - story of the King who would be Chef. The special effects will make your mouth water!
THE MAGNIFICENT 7+1: in the greatest mid-western ever filmed, an octet of wizards fight evil and each other across the Sto Plains, against the background of a world gone madde, or at least Bursar.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
HOW THE WURST WAS WON: the dramatic story of the quest to create the BEST SAUSAGE IN UBERWALD! With 1,000 ELEPHANTS! And NAMED MEAT!
PRETTY DEMON: the story they said couldn't be told! A beautiful young wood-nymph joins the Seamstresses' Guild and captures the heart of a handsome rubber-products tycoon. Star-crossed romance that will tug at your heartstrings!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
HOWONDALAND SMITH AND THE TEMPURA OF DOOM: our intrepid hero bites off more than he can chew when he steals the Jewel of the Djel and finds himself chased by camel-riding ninjas, sword-wielding handmaidens, and the Klatchian Foreign Legion!
BIG TROUBLE IN BES PELARGIC: a Morporkian cart driver takes a holiday in Agatea and has to rescue the locals from a plague of ancient vampire ghosts. Magic, explosions, kung fu - this one has it all!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ONE NIGHT: in which a reporter for The Times doesn't meet an heiress, doesn't go to exotic far-flung romantic places, and totally fails to have any kind of excitement or adventure. Guaranteed safe and unexciting viewing, but available with subtitled exclamation marks for the braver among you.
CLACKSWISE: brilliant slapstick comedy about a fussy Dark Clerk who throws the Patrician's Palace into disarray with his obsessive timekeeping. Best Silly Walks in the history of clicks-making! Contains no pineapples.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
VICTOR/VICTORIA/LADDIE: the heart-rending emotional trials of an unfortunate soul who's part man, part woman and part werewolf. And you thought you had a hard life...
SOME LIKE IT NOBBS: it's an all-singing, all-dancing, all-cross-dressing musical extravaganza when a pair of Watchmen investigate mob activities by joining a band managed by Chrysoprase. Great tunes, great frocks; great Io, there are some scary sartorial sights!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT WIDDERSHINS: laugh with action star Flint Beastwood as a roustabout wanderer who travels the Disc with his pet chimp Nobby, wreaking havoc every step of the way from Sto Helit to Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenos! Another Mel Gibbon triumph.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE HUB: you'll recoil in fear as cold-blooded Assassin Mr Teatime stalks the Tooth Fairy because he's been hired to inhume all in the Castle of Bo- oh wait, wrong story. This is an epic about killers and land-grabbers. Same thing, really.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
THE GODMOTHER: sweeping tale of a subtly evil witch's rise to power, and how she rules over a clan of potion-peddlers with a fist of iron and a mouth full of marbles. Not recommended for children, muhahaha.
THE CHRONICLES OF PSEUDOPOLIS YARD - THE LIAR, THE WATCH AND THE WARDROOM: in which Done It Duncan finds a magic wardrobe that lets him enter the Watch House whenever he wants, to confess to all the unsolved crimes in Ankh-Morpork. Great special effects!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
DANCES WITH ELVES: the enchanting, haha, story of a Lancre Morris dancer who gets captured, and then adopted, by the Lords and Ladies. Features Jason Ogg in his first film role - and real Morris dancers. No stunt-men were harmed in the making of the Stick and Bucket dance!
BRASSICA INSTINCT: a spine-tingling thriller in which a wealthy, married, Quirmian brassica farmer is seduced by a wicked, vengeful temptress from Sto Lat. The cabbage-stabbing scene is unforgettable!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
BACK TO THE SUTURE: the thrill-a-minute fantastic tale of how a young Igor has to travel through time to make sure 1.21 gigawatts of lightning get sent through the corpse of his all-important ancestor. Horrors previously untold! Excellent stitiching techniques demonstrated!
LOWLANDER: Swords! Stirring battles! Mousepipes! Lawyers! A once-in-a-lifetime, headbuttingly pulse-pounding tale of the Nac Mac Feegle's struggle to produce the ultimate dirty-fighter. Dere can only be one t'ousand!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
February 2006
This month, as Spring rumbles to sap-pumping wakefulness in the civilised world and the fabled Continent of XXXX is in full-on summer party mode, we turn to the exploration of how the stars affect our social calendars. Yes, it's true; month by month, your Sign dictates just what sorts of social engagements will turn out best for you, or at least, least disastrous. This can be very handy as an excuse for declining unsuitable appointments: "It's written in the stars that I absolutely must wash my hair next Saturday, whether I need to or not!" Of course, the downside is that your stars might show that you simply daren't miss your great-aunt Petrolena's milkman's eldest daughter's third child's christening. Ah well, if so then let's hope said milkman's daughter is a recent convert to the Church of Bilious! Right, then, off you get. Go forth, read your horoscope, and party hard...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Recommended: Weddings
Best to avoid: Military recruitment meetings (unless you're the recruiter)
All Hoggers know about the benefits of good organisation, and what better time to put your organisational skills to use than when planning a wedding? Of course it doesn't matter whose wedding you're planning; the couple has yet to betroth who won't be better off for your exacting directives, um, directions. Who needs wedding planners when there's a Hogger in the house? Don't forget to colour-coordinate the serviettes with the bridesmaids' dresses, or to see that the band follows your by-the-second timetable, or to ensure that the wedding vows are tidy and respectable with none of that newfangled not-agreeing-to-obey nonsense. Make sure you save up some of your best shouting techniques for the caterers and the mother of the bride. Do it right and the entire wedding party won't know what hit them until after the honeymoon! Well, actually, they will, because it will likely be you. Hoggers excel at starting wedding brawls. With both sides of the family.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Recommended: Stag Nights
Best to avoid: Klatchian coffee mornings
Speaking of weddings, no blushing bride need ever fear her intended not turning up at the temple on time when there's a Gahooligan involved in the groom's Stag Night! Gahooligans aren't exactly known for being the life of the party. In fact, they're more often the death of the party, or at least the afterlife that skulks around the outer edges of the crowd, distributing Fresh Start pamphlets while everyone else's eyes are glued to Miss Veronique Va Voom and her Seven (but rapidly decreasing in number) Veils. Fine for some, but you already know how it feels to have your eyes glued. And this "last night of free life" lark is overrated: the only freedom, really, is the freedom of postvitality. Of course, you could always try stapling on your happy face and having some fun for a change. Come on, who's the last person who ripped your clothes off, apart from that cute mortuary assistant?
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Recommended: Barn dances
Best to avoid: Martial arts demonstrations
Whether you're celebrating the end of harvest time, the dedication of the new village pump or just the opening of last week's vat of vintage scumble, a barn dance is the perfect place to let yourself go and dance, dance, dance. Hernians may tend to uncertainty, but you're always among friends at a barn dance. Spend some time practising some well-loved country dances. Try your hand at baking scones. If you go into the evening with a good heart, you may find that people look on you in a new light, and your dance card will be full until dawn! No need to practise the Last Waltz though; you'll find that one comes naturally. Beware strange men bearing sparkly dresses, smelling of lilies and sounding like maracas.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Recommended: Wine tastings
Best to avoid: Get-fit classes
Wine, the elixir of life! So many vineyards' best to sample, so little time; that's why wine tastings are so popular. Not only do you get to sample the many delights of the noble grape, but you have to spit each sample out again, so you can spend far more time socialising - and eating canapes - before the floor rises to meet you. Ahh, the canapes...bivalves a la Genuenne en croute...little cubes of Lancre Blue...delicate bites of squishi...bite-sized Bonk blutwursts...and then there's the wines, from Vieux River champagne to the finest fortified Quirmian cabbage cordials. Do be careful at reannual tastings, however. You could end up with the worst mixed-alcohols hangover long after you've forgotten which octacongeners to watch out for.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Recommended: Pub crawls
Best to avoid: Temperance Society meetings
My dear Bilians, we've been down this road before...and we'll no doubt go down it again, in the usual full morning-after technicolour. This, then, is a good time to point out that pub crawls do have their own special etiquette. There's the ceremonial Stringing of the House Keys (around your neck, so you can get in when the night-cart pours you out at your front door); the time-honoured Ritual of Pre-apology (leaving some damages money with your designated staggerer helps); the Donning of the Fishermen's Oilskins (serious pub-crawlers know that this saves on laundry bills); and of course the Sacred Chant of "It's my shout!" (so you can remain a functioning member of the party long after your higher cognitive functions have shut down in horror). If you follow these guidelines, you may have an especially good time, even if you won't remember it any better than usual afterwards!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Recommended: Birthday celebrations
Best to avoid: Backstreet gambling sessions
Mubboons tend to be the perfect birthday party guests: the typical Mubboon is kind, honest, lacking in pretentiousness, unsophisticated - in other words, just the right sort to find enjoyment in singing silly celebratory songs, playing embarrassingly childish party games, creating a fire hazard with half-blown-out candles and taking far too much delight in humorously shaped birthday cakes. Oh, and wearing ridiculous paper hats. And I can see that you're already panting with excitement and checking your calendars in the hope that someone close to you will be celebrating a birthday this month. If you find yourself short of birthday celebrants, you could always try getting together with some Gahooligan friends and throwing a deathday party.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Recommended: Funerals
Best to avoid: Invitations to go hang-gliding
As has often been observed, it takes a Boring'un to put the fun back into funerals. As it happens, that observation is entirely untrue, but funerals certainly are the right sort of get-together for those born under this Sign. No true Boring'un can tolerate adventure, excitement, risk-taking or loud noises, and a funeral rarely has any of these. Funerals, apart from being, well, as quiet as the grave, are so reassuringly, undemandingly final (except in the cases of some Wizards, most Vampires, and quite a lot of Gahooligans); best of all, they're a very real reminder that the deceased is one more being who will never again burden you with social engagements! So off you go, with a suitably sombre outfit, a sombrely serious face, and a secret song in your still-beating heart. Enjoy.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Recommended: Random spur-of-the-moment inadvisable interactions with total strangers
Best to avoid: Gatherings of Thudmeisters
Andies come in two flavours: lovers and fighters. All right, three flavours, because some of you Andies are worryingly good at combining the two. Many of you will remember the famous "wrestler d'amour", Casanolda the Magnificent, who was born under Androgyna Majestis and whose most famous show-stopper was his all-in tag team bout with two pole-dancing- um, sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Yes. Loving and fighting, those are your strong points, and this is a good month for seeking out those singles bars and tough-neighbourhood street corners you never tried before. True love is elusive, but there's many a plausible imitation to be had in random anonymous meetings, especially out in the back alley behind Mrs Palm's...and nothing, er, nothing else can put a healthy glow on an Andy's cheeks like a good brawl. The choice is entirely yours!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Recommended: Soirees
Best to avoid: Book signings
Soirees. Cocktail parties. Fondue evenings. Happy Hours. Call them what you will, these sunset-lit social events are your kettle of lobsters this month. Now is the time to make the rounds, flaunt the fripperies, flash the frocks fantastic, and broach new benchmarks in the fatuous folderol of glamorous gossip and scandalous small talk! No event is too minor, no ceremonial celebration too pointless for the attentions of you large-living Footys. Have you been accused of being willing to "attend the opening of an envelope"? Prove them right by popping along to Mr von Lipwig's drinks evening to honour the issuing of the new Quirm Real stamps. Test your new wheel of Sto Helit Farmhouse Runny at a cheese 'n' wine fiesta. Seek any opportunity to display your festive Footy fashion sense. Every soiree will be your little triumph. Absolutely fabulous, darling.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Recommended: Harvest or Planting festivals
Best to avoid: Gytha Ogg's cookery classes
It's that time of year again! The time when maidens run friskily and young men get their bells and hankies out and all sorts of innocent-looking things and activities take on sudden cartloads of double - and single - entendres. Hokians, though sometimes shy, also tend to be magically adept, and this is certainly your month for casting the sort of spells that would make anyone but an Ogg blush. Polish those Maypoles. Oil those threshers. Study the dark and amorous secrets of both Morris dances. Run with the horned stag ("horned" being pronounced with two syllables here) and dance sky-clad under the - why, hello, Mistress Weatherwax! Lovely to see you here! I'd quite forgot you were born under Hoki. Move along, readers, nothing to see here. Of course we can't be having with that sort of thing.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Recommended: Baby showers
Best to avoid: A day at the races
Before the patter of little feet comes the patter of large amounts of coinage. It's no cheap or easy thing to bring up a child in today's modern society, so isn't it a good thing that baby showers are so lucrative, um, forward-looking? This month, make your friends' or relatives' baby showers Events to Remember. Come dressed in nappies. Bring the kinds of gifts that a child will find truly useful further down the Road of Life - why bother with the same old pink and blue knitted booties, cot blankets and playsuits shaped like humorous bunnies, when you could give gifts like cottage-thatching lesson vouchers, cookery books†, football boots, pre-paid medical care under the new Lawn Plan, even some of Mr Sonky's finest rubber goods...believe me, when those children grow up you'll be top of their "people to help" list during hard times. Be original!
† But not Mrs Ogg's Joye of Snacks, unless you're definitely including the rubber goods.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Recommended: Anniversary parties
Best to avoid: A night at the opera
And so we come to the last Sign, and it looks like you Umbragians got the boring end of the stick: anniversary parties. But they don't have to be boring! Anniversary parties may traditionally be about bad calamari, drunken uncles, doddering grandparents and Black Uberwald Gateau, but there are many far more interesting anniversaries you could choose to celebrate. There's the anniversary of the founding of Unseen University. There's the anniversary of the passing of the Golem Rights Act. There's the anniversary of the explosion of Old Humbert, the B.S. Johnson-designed Different Engine at Grabpot Thundergust's cosmetics factory. There are anniversaries of nations and of the births of demigods and of natural disasters and even anniversaries of the unfortunate demise of the favourite pet vermine you kept rather inattentively as a child. Every day is a day of remembrance for something, so find yourself something truly amusing to celebrate. After all, someday you'll be that doddering grandparent and you won't remember what the Black Uberwald Gateau is meant to celebrate.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Recommended: Weddings
Best to avoid: Military recruitment meetings (unless you're the recruiter)
All Hoggers know about the benefits of good organisation, and what better time to put your organisational skills to use than when planning a wedding? Of course it doesn't matter whose wedding you're planning; the couple has yet to betroth who won't be better off for your exacting directives, um, directions. Who needs wedding planners when there's a Hogger in the house? Don't forget to colour-coordinate the serviettes with the bridesmaids' dresses, or to see that the band follows your by-the-second timetable, or to ensure that the wedding vows are tidy and respectable with none of that newfangled not-agreeing-to-obey nonsense. Make sure you save up some of your best shouting techniques for the caterers and the mother of the bride. Do it right and the entire wedding party won't know what hit them until after the honeymoon! Well, actually, they will, because it will likely be you. Hoggers excel at starting wedding brawls. With both sides of the family.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Recommended: Stag Nights
Best to avoid: Klatchian coffee mornings
Speaking of weddings, no blushing bride need ever fear her intended not turning up at the temple on time when there's a Gahooligan involved in the groom's Stag Night! Gahooligans aren't exactly known for being the life of the party. In fact, they're more often the death of the party, or at least the afterlife that skulks around the outer edges of the crowd, distributing Fresh Start pamphlets while everyone else's eyes are glued to Miss Veronique Va Voom and her Seven (but rapidly decreasing in number) Veils. Fine for some, but you already know how it feels to have your eyes glued. And this "last night of free life" lark is overrated: the only freedom, really, is the freedom of postvitality. Of course, you could always try stapling on your happy face and having some fun for a change. Come on, who's the last person who ripped your clothes off, apart from that cute mortuary assistant?
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Recommended: Barn dances
Best to avoid: Martial arts demonstrations
Whether you're celebrating the end of harvest time, the dedication of the new village pump or just the opening of last week's vat of vintage scumble, a barn dance is the perfect place to let yourself go and dance, dance, dance. Hernians may tend to uncertainty, but you're always among friends at a barn dance. Spend some time practising some well-loved country dances. Try your hand at baking scones. If you go into the evening with a good heart, you may find that people look on you in a new light, and your dance card will be full until dawn! No need to practise the Last Waltz though; you'll find that one comes naturally. Beware strange men bearing sparkly dresses, smelling of lilies and sounding like maracas.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Recommended: Wine tastings
Best to avoid: Get-fit classes
Wine, the elixir of life! So many vineyards' best to sample, so little time; that's why wine tastings are so popular. Not only do you get to sample the many delights of the noble grape, but you have to spit each sample out again, so you can spend far more time socialising - and eating canapes - before the floor rises to meet you. Ahh, the canapes...bivalves a la Genuenne en croute...little cubes of Lancre Blue...delicate bites of squishi...bite-sized Bonk blutwursts...and then there's the wines, from Vieux River champagne to the finest fortified Quirmian cabbage cordials. Do be careful at reannual tastings, however. You could end up with the worst mixed-alcohols hangover long after you've forgotten which octacongeners to watch out for.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Recommended: Pub crawls
Best to avoid: Temperance Society meetings
My dear Bilians, we've been down this road before...and we'll no doubt go down it again, in the usual full morning-after technicolour. This, then, is a good time to point out that pub crawls do have their own special etiquette. There's the ceremonial Stringing of the House Keys (around your neck, so you can get in when the night-cart pours you out at your front door); the time-honoured Ritual of Pre-apology (leaving some damages money with your designated staggerer helps); the Donning of the Fishermen's Oilskins (serious pub-crawlers know that this saves on laundry bills); and of course the Sacred Chant of "It's my shout!" (so you can remain a functioning member of the party long after your higher cognitive functions have shut down in horror). If you follow these guidelines, you may have an especially good time, even if you won't remember it any better than usual afterwards!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Recommended: Birthday celebrations
Best to avoid: Backstreet gambling sessions
Mubboons tend to be the perfect birthday party guests: the typical Mubboon is kind, honest, lacking in pretentiousness, unsophisticated - in other words, just the right sort to find enjoyment in singing silly celebratory songs, playing embarrassingly childish party games, creating a fire hazard with half-blown-out candles and taking far too much delight in humorously shaped birthday cakes. Oh, and wearing ridiculous paper hats. And I can see that you're already panting with excitement and checking your calendars in the hope that someone close to you will be celebrating a birthday this month. If you find yourself short of birthday celebrants, you could always try getting together with some Gahooligan friends and throwing a deathday party.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Recommended: Funerals
Best to avoid: Invitations to go hang-gliding
As has often been observed, it takes a Boring'un to put the fun back into funerals. As it happens, that observation is entirely untrue, but funerals certainly are the right sort of get-together for those born under this Sign. No true Boring'un can tolerate adventure, excitement, risk-taking or loud noises, and a funeral rarely has any of these. Funerals, apart from being, well, as quiet as the grave, are so reassuringly, undemandingly final (except in the cases of some Wizards, most Vampires, and quite a lot of Gahooligans); best of all, they're a very real reminder that the deceased is one more being who will never again burden you with social engagements! So off you go, with a suitably sombre outfit, a sombrely serious face, and a secret song in your still-beating heart. Enjoy.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Recommended: Random spur-of-the-moment inadvisable interactions with total strangers
Best to avoid: Gatherings of Thudmeisters
Andies come in two flavours: lovers and fighters. All right, three flavours, because some of you Andies are worryingly good at combining the two. Many of you will remember the famous "wrestler d'amour", Casanolda the Magnificent, who was born under Androgyna Majestis and whose most famous show-stopper was his all-in tag team bout with two pole-dancing- um, sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Yes. Loving and fighting, those are your strong points, and this is a good month for seeking out those singles bars and tough-neighbourhood street corners you never tried before. True love is elusive, but there's many a plausible imitation to be had in random anonymous meetings, especially out in the back alley behind Mrs Palm's...and nothing, er, nothing else can put a healthy glow on an Andy's cheeks like a good brawl. The choice is entirely yours!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Recommended: Soirees
Best to avoid: Book signings
Soirees. Cocktail parties. Fondue evenings. Happy Hours. Call them what you will, these sunset-lit social events are your kettle of lobsters this month. Now is the time to make the rounds, flaunt the fripperies, flash the frocks fantastic, and broach new benchmarks in the fatuous folderol of glamorous gossip and scandalous small talk! No event is too minor, no ceremonial celebration too pointless for the attentions of you large-living Footys. Have you been accused of being willing to "attend the opening of an envelope"? Prove them right by popping along to Mr von Lipwig's drinks evening to honour the issuing of the new Quirm Real stamps. Test your new wheel of Sto Helit Farmhouse Runny at a cheese 'n' wine fiesta. Seek any opportunity to display your festive Footy fashion sense. Every soiree will be your little triumph. Absolutely fabulous, darling.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Recommended: Harvest or Planting festivals
Best to avoid: Gytha Ogg's cookery classes
It's that time of year again! The time when maidens run friskily and young men get their bells and hankies out and all sorts of innocent-looking things and activities take on sudden cartloads of double - and single - entendres. Hokians, though sometimes shy, also tend to be magically adept, and this is certainly your month for casting the sort of spells that would make anyone but an Ogg blush. Polish those Maypoles. Oil those threshers. Study the dark and amorous secrets of both Morris dances. Run with the horned stag ("horned" being pronounced with two syllables here) and dance sky-clad under the - why, hello, Mistress Weatherwax! Lovely to see you here! I'd quite forgot you were born under Hoki. Move along, readers, nothing to see here. Of course we can't be having with that sort of thing.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Recommended: Baby showers
Best to avoid: A day at the races
Before the patter of little feet comes the patter of large amounts of coinage. It's no cheap or easy thing to bring up a child in today's modern society, so isn't it a good thing that baby showers are so lucrative, um, forward-looking? This month, make your friends' or relatives' baby showers Events to Remember. Come dressed in nappies. Bring the kinds of gifts that a child will find truly useful further down the Road of Life - why bother with the same old pink and blue knitted booties, cot blankets and playsuits shaped like humorous bunnies, when you could give gifts like cottage-thatching lesson vouchers, cookery books†, football boots, pre-paid medical care under the new Lawn Plan, even some of Mr Sonky's finest rubber goods...believe me, when those children grow up you'll be top of their "people to help" list during hard times. Be original!
† But not Mrs Ogg's Joye of Snacks, unless you're definitely including the rubber goods.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Recommended: Anniversary parties
Best to avoid: A night at the opera
And so we come to the last Sign, and it looks like you Umbragians got the boring end of the stick: anniversary parties. But they don't have to be boring! Anniversary parties may traditionally be about bad calamari, drunken uncles, doddering grandparents and Black Uberwald Gateau, but there are many far more interesting anniversaries you could choose to celebrate. There's the anniversary of the founding of Unseen University. There's the anniversary of the passing of the Golem Rights Act. There's the anniversary of the explosion of Old Humbert, the B.S. Johnson-designed Different Engine at Grabpot Thundergust's cosmetics factory. There are anniversaries of nations and of the births of demigods and of natural disasters and even anniversaries of the unfortunate demise of the favourite pet vermine you kept rather inattentively as a child. Every day is a day of remembrance for something, so find yourself something truly amusing to celebrate. After all, someday you'll be that doddering grandparent and you won't remember what the Black Uberwald Gateau is meant to celebrate.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
January 2006
Hello again, my dear denizens of Zodiac land! This month, as we draw near to the Roundworld festival of love and romance, my good friend Count Giamo Casanunda has kindly offered me some tips on the arcane arts of love which I shall now pass on to all you prospective swains and swainesses. I can guarantee you from personal experience that those tips of his work very - what? What do you mean, what's that interesting-looking bruise on my - oi! Back off, sunshine! It's the cold showers for you! Now behave yourselves and read your horoscopes...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
They say that music is the food of love. That's largely true - though Mrs Ogg would of course point out that the food of love is also carrot and oyster pie, or chocolate surprise with special sauce - and although Hoggers tend to prefer music of the martial kind, this month would be a good time to practice those gentler strains. Why not dust off that old lute in the attic and give it a go? Tossing a few coins to your neighbourhood minstrel for some pointers wouldn't go amiss, nor would a sacrifice to Reg, god of musicians. Songs about flowers and May mornings are a winner; songs about hedgehogs are not recommended, unless you happen to be one of those kinky types who dress up in animal costumes and meet up in darkened... um, forget I said that...songs about hedgehogs are not recommended, unless your beau happens to be into that sort of thing.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Say it with flowers (or, if you're of the silicaceous persuasion, say it with ooograh). It's amazing how a posy of even the simplest blooms of the field can melt a maiden's heart; if you don't believe me, ask King Verence of Lancre. If you do want to go a bit upmarket, exotic flowers are great, erm, persuaders -- however, avoid the carnivorous varieties and especially avoid Wahoonie blossoms, no matter what Herkulous "No-nose" Peaseblossom, the notorious Florist of Gleam Street, tries to tell you. Young ladies who follow the modern fashion of giving flowers to young men are advised to not give roses, petunias or pansies, as these can give a rather mixed message. For best results have your floral gift blessed by a priestess of Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
The art of conversation can be a powerful tool in the would-be wooer, and has the advantage of gentleness. Who would woo would woo well with well-chosen words; the most innocent of conversations -- about, say, the progress of the new Quirm floral clock extension or the pleasantness of the recent weather or how there are so few perpetrators of street theatre due to the efficacy of the Patrician's prudent public policies -- can be deftly turned to subjects of a more personal nature! In fact, if you converse pleasantly and interestingly enough, the object of your amour might even be moved to suggest taking you to dinner! Best bet for your sacrifice this month: Loquacius, small god of orators.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your celestial tips this month are about food - not as if that's any surprise to you Staffies! And no, it's not just about the carrot and oyster pie. When it comes to overtures romantic, few things can beat a candlelit dinner with your best china, cut-crystal glasses, fine linen napkins, and an exquisitely prepared, lovingly served four-course meal. I know that for those of you of the wizardly persuasion, four courses may seem like a mere warm-up for a main snack, but do remember that being over-full interferes with the, you know, postprandial hijinks. Not that you wizards care about that sort of thing, eh...for those on a limited budget, slip Sham Harga a few shillings to set up his least filthy table in the back of the House of Ribs. Chip-shop takeaways will not win fair maids.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
"Usque ad mortem per bibendum", as it says on the altar of Eructa, minor Goddess of the Tired and Emotional! A good drink loosens the inhibitions, gilds the tongue, brightens the outlook, and incidentally makes the toothless, odoursome and unsavoury look like the well and truly favoured of the gods. Exotic liqueurs can smooth the path to romance like nobody's business; thy something like Ancient Walnut Vodka Supreme or Genuine Genuan Cordial Passionelle. Bearhugger's famous Lochan Bloody Nora is another good choice - it packs a kick like a gastritic hippopotamus, though, so be warned that while your intended may swoon in your arms, getting to the next step could involve Igor-strength heart stimulants. Avoid scumble at all costs. It may be mostly apples, but there's nothing romantic about its effects. Oh, and don't forget to pack the hangover cures before you go a-hunting!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
The giving of love tokens is an (artful) way to show your heart's desire to the desired heart (not that anyone much, apart from Mrs Drull, werewolves of Uberwald, and various Igors actually desire hearts; the rest of us desire... other things). Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but even lowly Ankhstones, tastefully gift wrapped, can result in a notable increase in friendliness. So when you set out to win hearts (and... other things), remember this: the bling's the thing to bring and sling. Pearls on a string make hearts go zing and ting-a-ling; a gilded ring? - to you they'll cling; when bling you swing, love will take wing and sing, and cling! - so springs a fling. Schwing!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
It's not quite true that another name for Boring 'uns is "wallflowers", but we all know that those of you born under this sign are, well, less suited to the more, erm, energetic pressing of suits. So you'll need to start gently with the genteel art of friendship. First step: a sacrifice to Makko, the God of Confidence, and to Herne the Hunted (who, after all, looks after small, frightened creatures). Next, use your inborn ability for being unthreatening and sympathetic to become unthreatening and sympathetic. Be a good listener. Lend money readily and be slow to ask for repayment. Show willing to be awakened in the wee hours to provide a shoulder for crying on. Soon you'll have a bevy of desirables flocking to you. Of course, they'll only want you as a friend, but you're used to disappointment.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Art: a great tool with which to ~cough cough~ draw an intended lover's eye! Many people underestimate the erotic power of even "polite" Art (though the sort of people who write letters of complaint to the Times are not among them...), but even the sight of a well-rendered pastoral scene or beautifully composed Still Life with Fruit can charm and captivate a swainabee's loved one. And if it's a fast track to va-va-voom you want, there's no shortage of proudly erotic Art in Ankh-Morpork! You could even try your own hand at doing Art - the traditional starving artist, complete with smeared palette, paint-spattered smock and absentminded expression, is a popular one in the romance stakes. Remember, Art imitates Life... although it's not compulsory to, f'rinstance, cut your arms off.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Grand gestures are the stuff of legendary loves, and my little-but-large-in-experience source assures me that a little gallantry goes a long way in the wooing industry. So you Footys would do well to practise those memorable courtly gestures! On rainy days this month, be sure to wear your second-best cloak so you can handily drape it across puddles for distressed maidens and slipper'd queens (forget about maiden queens; they're rare these days and thus disinclined to let commoners suck their toes). Carve your initials together with your sweetheart's on a corner of the Patrician's palace (beware those patrolling Dark Clerks though). Skywriting love-notes is always good, but I hear Buggy Swires is charging double for that these days, and Hamish Mac Feegle can't spell, so you might have to get, um, creative. Can I interest you in an albatross?
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Oh, for those honeyed words of love! And what words be more honeyed than those of a lovesick poet? It's hard for a girl to resist being favourably compared to a summer's day, or for a chap not to soften when described as noble-brow'd and mighty-thew'd (especially if he's the son of a rural provisions merchant). You don't even have to write your own poetry; mark well the tale of Cyanide de Bungee-Wrecke, who won the heart of his beloved Moxine by miming under her window to poems recited by his Bardic friend. If you lack a handy Bard, try that nice Mr Dibbler in Sator Square - he's offering a knock-down price this month on slightly used sonnets. Or if you suffer from shyness, try the new Gallmark clacks service: modern love poems delivered to your sweetie's door for only a dollar each. You know it makes sense!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
If you genuinely want to score, erm, win yourself a true love this month, why not go on a Quest? Quests have all the sexy stuff: danger, adventure, romance, excitement, magic (often with a "k"), enchanted swords, Grails, meddlesome wizards, Dark Lords, barbarians, rightful Kings, witches, fell Demons, treasure hoards, the occasional geas, and sometimes even dragons! And travel; you can combine your hols with your heroism. Another advantage (apart from the winning-your-true-love bit) is that if you survive your Quest you'll never have to pay for another round in your life. But beware those really long Quests...though of course if you stay away from Civilisation for long enough, even the Orcs start looking fanciable.
Note: if your Quest involves the slaying of dragons, on no account do it at or near the Sunshine Sanctuary. The Vimeses will be bloody furious!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
And so we come at last to the greatest sweetheart-magnet of all: money. Money! Show them the money! Whoever said money can't buy love never lived in a town with a branch of the Seamstresses' Guild. However...of course, money alone isn't enough; it's about how you earn it and how you spend it (and do take care not to fall in love with your money yourself! Coins can't kiss you goodnight). Successful beings of all genders and species always attract admirers (they attract gold-diggers too, but as long as your gold-diggers are bearded and under three-foot-six they won't likely break your heart). Making your fortune in enterprises involving daring is a good idea - there's always an opening for a successful pirate captain or gentleperson-thief. Or you could make a killing in the futures market, although that does involve a lot of late nights and freezing cold warehouses. Try to avoid anything too risky; after all, you want to stay alive to enjoy the relationship.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
They say that music is the food of love. That's largely true - though Mrs Ogg would of course point out that the food of love is also carrot and oyster pie, or chocolate surprise with special sauce - and although Hoggers tend to prefer music of the martial kind, this month would be a good time to practice those gentler strains. Why not dust off that old lute in the attic and give it a go? Tossing a few coins to your neighbourhood minstrel for some pointers wouldn't go amiss, nor would a sacrifice to Reg, god of musicians. Songs about flowers and May mornings are a winner; songs about hedgehogs are not recommended, unless you happen to be one of those kinky types who dress up in animal costumes and meet up in darkened... um, forget I said that...songs about hedgehogs are not recommended, unless your beau happens to be into that sort of thing.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Say it with flowers (or, if you're of the silicaceous persuasion, say it with ooograh). It's amazing how a posy of even the simplest blooms of the field can melt a maiden's heart; if you don't believe me, ask King Verence of Lancre. If you do want to go a bit upmarket, exotic flowers are great, erm, persuaders -- however, avoid the carnivorous varieties and especially avoid Wahoonie blossoms, no matter what Herkulous "No-nose" Peaseblossom, the notorious Florist of Gleam Street, tries to tell you. Young ladies who follow the modern fashion of giving flowers to young men are advised to not give roses, petunias or pansies, as these can give a rather mixed message. For best results have your floral gift blessed by a priestess of Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
The art of conversation can be a powerful tool in the would-be wooer, and has the advantage of gentleness. Who would woo would woo well with well-chosen words; the most innocent of conversations -- about, say, the progress of the new Quirm floral clock extension or the pleasantness of the recent weather or how there are so few perpetrators of street theatre due to the efficacy of the Patrician's prudent public policies -- can be deftly turned to subjects of a more personal nature! In fact, if you converse pleasantly and interestingly enough, the object of your amour might even be moved to suggest taking you to dinner! Best bet for your sacrifice this month: Loquacius, small god of orators.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your celestial tips this month are about food - not as if that's any surprise to you Staffies! And no, it's not just about the carrot and oyster pie. When it comes to overtures romantic, few things can beat a candlelit dinner with your best china, cut-crystal glasses, fine linen napkins, and an exquisitely prepared, lovingly served four-course meal. I know that for those of you of the wizardly persuasion, four courses may seem like a mere warm-up for a main snack, but do remember that being over-full interferes with the, you know, postprandial hijinks. Not that you wizards care about that sort of thing, eh...for those on a limited budget, slip Sham Harga a few shillings to set up his least filthy table in the back of the House of Ribs. Chip-shop takeaways will not win fair maids.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
"Usque ad mortem per bibendum", as it says on the altar of Eructa, minor Goddess of the Tired and Emotional! A good drink loosens the inhibitions, gilds the tongue, brightens the outlook, and incidentally makes the toothless, odoursome and unsavoury look like the well and truly favoured of the gods. Exotic liqueurs can smooth the path to romance like nobody's business; thy something like Ancient Walnut Vodka Supreme or Genuine Genuan Cordial Passionelle. Bearhugger's famous Lochan Bloody Nora is another good choice - it packs a kick like a gastritic hippopotamus, though, so be warned that while your intended may swoon in your arms, getting to the next step could involve Igor-strength heart stimulants. Avoid scumble at all costs. It may be mostly apples, but there's nothing romantic about its effects. Oh, and don't forget to pack the hangover cures before you go a-hunting!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
The giving of love tokens is an (artful) way to show your heart's desire to the desired heart (not that anyone much, apart from Mrs Drull, werewolves of Uberwald, and various Igors actually desire hearts; the rest of us desire... other things). Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but even lowly Ankhstones, tastefully gift wrapped, can result in a notable increase in friendliness. So when you set out to win hearts (and... other things), remember this: the bling's the thing to bring and sling. Pearls on a string make hearts go zing and ting-a-ling; a gilded ring? - to you they'll cling; when bling you swing, love will take wing and sing, and cling! - so springs a fling. Schwing!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
It's not quite true that another name for Boring 'uns is "wallflowers", but we all know that those of you born under this sign are, well, less suited to the more, erm, energetic pressing of suits. So you'll need to start gently with the genteel art of friendship. First step: a sacrifice to Makko, the God of Confidence, and to Herne the Hunted (who, after all, looks after small, frightened creatures). Next, use your inborn ability for being unthreatening and sympathetic to become unthreatening and sympathetic. Be a good listener. Lend money readily and be slow to ask for repayment. Show willing to be awakened in the wee hours to provide a shoulder for crying on. Soon you'll have a bevy of desirables flocking to you. Of course, they'll only want you as a friend, but you're used to disappointment.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Art: a great tool with which to ~cough cough~ draw an intended lover's eye! Many people underestimate the erotic power of even "polite" Art (though the sort of people who write letters of complaint to the Times are not among them...), but even the sight of a well-rendered pastoral scene or beautifully composed Still Life with Fruit can charm and captivate a swainabee's loved one. And if it's a fast track to va-va-voom you want, there's no shortage of proudly erotic Art in Ankh-Morpork! You could even try your own hand at doing Art - the traditional starving artist, complete with smeared palette, paint-spattered smock and absentminded expression, is a popular one in the romance stakes. Remember, Art imitates Life... although it's not compulsory to, f'rinstance, cut your arms off.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Grand gestures are the stuff of legendary loves, and my little-but-large-in-experience source assures me that a little gallantry goes a long way in the wooing industry. So you Footys would do well to practise those memorable courtly gestures! On rainy days this month, be sure to wear your second-best cloak so you can handily drape it across puddles for distressed maidens and slipper'd queens (forget about maiden queens; they're rare these days and thus disinclined to let commoners suck their toes). Carve your initials together with your sweetheart's on a corner of the Patrician's palace (beware those patrolling Dark Clerks though). Skywriting love-notes is always good, but I hear Buggy Swires is charging double for that these days, and Hamish Mac Feegle can't spell, so you might have to get, um, creative. Can I interest you in an albatross?
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Oh, for those honeyed words of love! And what words be more honeyed than those of a lovesick poet? It's hard for a girl to resist being favourably compared to a summer's day, or for a chap not to soften when described as noble-brow'd and mighty-thew'd (especially if he's the son of a rural provisions merchant). You don't even have to write your own poetry; mark well the tale of Cyanide de Bungee-Wrecke, who won the heart of his beloved Moxine by miming under her window to poems recited by his Bardic friend. If you lack a handy Bard, try that nice Mr Dibbler in Sator Square - he's offering a knock-down price this month on slightly used sonnets. Or if you suffer from shyness, try the new Gallmark clacks service: modern love poems delivered to your sweetie's door for only a dollar each. You know it makes sense!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
If you genuinely want to score, erm, win yourself a true love this month, why not go on a Quest? Quests have all the sexy stuff: danger, adventure, romance, excitement, magic (often with a "k"), enchanted swords, Grails, meddlesome wizards, Dark Lords, barbarians, rightful Kings, witches, fell Demons, treasure hoards, the occasional geas, and sometimes even dragons! And travel; you can combine your hols with your heroism. Another advantage (apart from the winning-your-true-love bit) is that if you survive your Quest you'll never have to pay for another round in your life. But beware those really long Quests...though of course if you stay away from Civilisation for long enough, even the Orcs start looking fanciable.
Note: if your Quest involves the slaying of dragons, on no account do it at or near the Sunshine Sanctuary. The Vimeses will be bloody furious!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
And so we come at last to the greatest sweetheart-magnet of all: money. Money! Show them the money! Whoever said money can't buy love never lived in a town with a branch of the Seamstresses' Guild. However...of course, money alone isn't enough; it's about how you earn it and how you spend it (and do take care not to fall in love with your money yourself! Coins can't kiss you goodnight). Successful beings of all genders and species always attract admirers (they attract gold-diggers too, but as long as your gold-diggers are bearded and under three-foot-six they won't likely break your heart). Making your fortune in enterprises involving daring is a good idea - there's always an opening for a successful pirate captain or gentleperson-thief. Or you could make a killing in the futures market, although that does involve a lot of late nights and freezing cold warehouses. Try to avoid anything too risky; after all, you want to stay alive to enjoy the relationship.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
December 2005
Yes, my astroillogical possums, it's that time again! It hardly seems like it's been a whole year since last Hogswatch, does it? I myself only took down my sausage garlands and mistletoe last week - well, the garlands I left up because they'd become too feral to get near without lion-taming equipment after the first month, and the mistletoe I left up because you never know when you might need it. This year I've spared no expense to travel the Disc, seeking out well-known Personalities born under each Sign and asking them how they plan to be spending Hogswatch; some of them even deigned to answer me, and some of the answers were printable! So grab your star charts, your Great A'Tuin piñatas and your favourite hangover cures and par-tayyy...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Cheery Littlebottom: "I'm going to spend Hogswatch in Uberwald this year as a guest of the Low King. I'm so excited! We're going to sort tailings from the new silver mines - sometimes it's nice to get back to cosy traditional things, you know - and there's even a rumour that sh-, I mean he might have a Music With Rocks In disco in the Disused Shaft Club down in Old Number 22. Beats working with smelly chemicals and smellier dead bodies, I can tell you!"
His Grace Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh: "This year will be our first true family Hogswatch since our Mam, erm, since. No more shouting across the Ramkin banquetting table while Willikins serves like a silent Thief. No, this year we'll have all the party games and the crackers and the proper festivities, because I want my son to remember every Hogswatch as a joyful time when his father is home all day and no-one dies horribly on the doorstep. Nothing's too good for my Sam."
Mrs Evadne Cake: "Hogswatch will've been a laugh this year. We'll've had mince pies - with minced pork, of course - and roast suckling pig and some of that nice Mr Dibbler's sausages. Ludmilla and her young man will've done great at Charades, and young Mr Shoe from the Watch will've dropped by with a nice card from Lugubri's sorry-for-yer-loss shop. But I have to say that next Hogswatch was even better."
Sergeant Jackrum: "Upon my oath, I'm not a Hogswatch man. I'd sooner spend that day drinking and telling battle stories down the pub. Any pub. But this year, as a special concession to my Little Lads, I'm going to spend Hogswatch in the old traditional Borogravian way - fasting, reading the Book of Nuggan aloud in a sober voice, and toasting the health of the Duchess in mineral water. That's what I'm telling the Ruperts anyway!" And if you believe that, you'd make a good soldier."
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Reginald Shoe: "Of course I won't be following all those vital people's traditions, because we postvitals don't eat pork products, or any kind of products. No, we rejoice in being by-products. Every Hogswatch the Fresh Start Club gives Ankh-Morpork and the wider Disc the best present of all, by not adding to the population problem. But I do try to keep an open mind, so I'll be participating in some of the less politically-incorrect party games and Hogswatch carolling. Oh, and I intend to pay a social call on Mrs Cake and bring her a card, but that's going to be a surprise."
Mustrum Ridcully: "This Hogswatch, I'll be going hunting. I intend to bag a boar, a stag and a brace of pheasants, then get Mrs Whitlow to stuff the pheasants in the boar and the boar in the stag and roast them with plenty of Wow-Wow sauce. That should make a fine little snack to start off our Hogswatch Breakfast. The Dean wants us to play Charades, but I've warned him that he is under no circumstances allowed to try acting out Beti the Exotic Dancer again."
Hughnon Ridcully: "Hogswatch is at heart a solemn time, a time to ponder on the ineffable ways of the gods and the marvels and miracles of the world around us, a time for abstinence and contemplation, a time of joy to all men. Oh, all right, and to all Golems. Yes, and other sentient species. Very well. I shall be reading the Hogswatch Service in Small Gods myself this year. After that? I hear Mustrum's doing a spot of hunting...abstinence is a state of mind, after all."
C.M.O.T. Dibbler: "I've got just the thing for you this Hogswatch - the finest quality cuddly toys! Fluffy scale-model cuddlies of Slasher, Gouger, Tusker and Rooter. Totally lifelike! And when you pull their hidden strings, they widdle and grunt! Just AM$9.99, and that's cutting my own throat! And can I interest you in a Sonky and Sons life-sized inflatable Hogfather? String of papier-mâché sausages? And of course there's the inimitable Dibbler's Festive Hogswatch Sausages Inna Bun and Holiday Pork (Probably) Pies. Buy one! Buy two! You know it makes sense!"
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Mrs Rosie Palm: "Every Hogswatch, my girls and I spare no effort to get into the festive spirit. Of course we're great supporters of pork products - especially, erm, sausages - and we're quite enthusiastic about dances, especially private ones, and wassailing. And mistletoe. Oh, and Charades. My youngest, most attractive girls will be dressing as Hogswatch presents. And I'm sure you know we're very keen on presents that come in stockings..."
Susan Sto Helit: "I don't hold with all that holiday rubbish, but I suppose I can stretch to dropping in on Grandfather for a cup of Albert's fried porridge. Just so long as Grandfather and that rat don't try to make me play Charades."
Tiffany Aching: "This Hogswatch I intend to work very hard on my holiday cheeses. Mistress Ogg has invited me up to her town to teach me the mysteries of the famous Lancre Blue cheese. I'm a bit worried about the way she says 'Blue' though. And about her telling me to bring a heavy leather apron and chain mail. Leather and chain mail for cheesemaking? Perhaps I should bring a frying pan as well, just to be safe."
The Abbot of the History Monks: "To a Yen Buddhist History Monk, all Days are as one day grzzlewaaah!, so we don't celebrate Hogswatch. Of course, if you look at it another way, every day is Hogswatch, but we don't eat pork wannapottywannapottynow! and that much sherry would give me terrible wind. I plan to spend your Hogswatch Day drinking hot yak-butter tea with my favourite Yetis, and shouting at the novices wannawannawannaBIKKIT!"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
William de Worde: "Has the Hogfather (age unknown) been secretly suffering a debilitating illness? Reports from various sources indicate that, on his Hogswatchnight outing last year, he was seen to appear considerably thinner - 'Almost like a skellington,' said Arthur Nougat (5) of No. 21 The Lane, Little Scullings. There's also the disturbing mystery of 'Albert the Elf', the Hogfather's new assistant; Mrs Elsie Gubbins (62) of Dolly Sisters claims she saw this personage smoking, swearing, scratching himself inappropriately and stealing festive pork pies. Is that the sort of influence we want our children subjected to at this sacrosanct time of year? The public should be told the truth."
Mrs Whitlow: "Polly, Dolly, Molly and H'ai shall be h'engaged in the making of the usual wagonloads of pork pies, mince pies, sausages and roast suckling pigs for the Faculty Hogswatch parties. We shan't have time to 'party', there's too much to be done. H'ai don't hold with this Hogswatch carousing h'anyways. There's far too much drinking, and those Charades can get pretty riskey. Or so H'aive heard. Hmph."
Gytha Ogg: "Our Dreen says she's ordered me one of those ex-o-teek palm trees from Klatch, to put next to the fireplace this Hogswatch Eve. That won't half confuse the Hogfather when he comes down my chimney! Of course, they don't celebrate Hogswatchnight out in Klatch, they decorate their camels instead and do the Dance of the Seven Veils. My second husband used to love me doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. He said I was the most erratic woman in all Lancre - spelling was never his strong point. But he certainly had a strong point...I've invited young Tiffany up to visit as well, going to give her some tips on cheesemaking. Fine young lass, though maybe a bit too serious. I may give her the palm tree - then she'll never lack for dates."
Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite: "I'll be locking my door this Hogswatch. I'm sick to the back teeth of all those little yellow men wandering in and sitting at my feet and taking down everything I say. One of them called me 'great sage' last year. Now I ask you, do I look like a kitchen herb? Some people ought to get out more in the fresh air, I tell you."
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU: "The Archchancellor's going to let me have cutlery! And Distressed Pudding! Wheee!"
HRH Magrat de Lancre: "In the ancient days, when folk were ancient and had far more folk wisdom than the kind of unwise folk we get these days, Hogswatch was all about the death and rebirth of the land, about the affirmation of ancient rituals and paying respects to the earth and to the gods. Now people seem to think it's all just about getting drunk and singing rude songs, and Charades, and who's got the biggest pork pie. I think that's a shame. I made Verence make a proclamation about it, but Shawn Ogg couldn't read it out in the town square because he was too drunk and he'd sprained his ankle acting out the Dance of the Seven Veils during Charades at Nanny's."
C.W.St.J. (Nobby) Nobbs: "I'll be practising traditional Ankh-Morpork folkways for Hogswatch. Why are you looking at me like that? Nothing wrong with traditional folkways. Nothing wrong with hankies; useful things, hankies. And bells. And athletic pursuits outdoors in the fresh smog, erm, air. I might meet Fred Colon for a smoke later in the day. He always tells the missus we're going carolling, and she always falls for it. Good woman, that Mrs Fred."
Agnes Nitt: "Hogswatch is all about giving, and sharing, and putting up with insults from one's family. And desserts, of course. But not mistletoe. Never mistletoe. I'll be carolling again this year, too. They even pay me, because they say my being able to sing two parts at once saves on rehearsal expenses."
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
HRH Verence II de Lancre: "This year, I've decreed an old-fashioned, traditional Hogswatch festival in Lancre Town. There will be sausage bobbing, black pudding pitching, a bonfire, and humorous paper hats for all our subjects. I've tasked Shawn Ogg with setting up a tree recycling collection - can't overestimate the importance of recycling in these enlightened times. I wanted to have Mrs Ogg as our festival traditions consultant since she knows so much about ancient neglected folkways, but Magrat, I mean Her Royal Highness, says Nanny Ogg's traditions are the sort that ought to stay neglected. Oh, and we've sent to Slice for their famous weasel juggler."
Sgt Fred Colon: "Mrs Colon will be making all the traditional Hogswatch foods. We'll eat and drink even more than usual, pull our crackers, play Charades, and then listen to the town criers reading out the Patrician's Speech. Nobby's threatened to drop by later, so we might arrange to go out for a smoke, I mean for carolling. Hopefully no-one will steal the Brass Bridge while I'm on holidays."
Twoflower of Agatea: "Your Hogswatch holiday is so fascinating! So many unusual and exciting activities! I especially like the noble game you call 'Charades', and the exploding crackers with their sage and humorous slogans - very like our misfortune cookies. I intend to don your traditional paper hat, sit on the Hogfather's lap, and kiss him under the mistletoe. And I shall sit up late and eat pork pies with sherry, and wrap presents, and ask total strangers if they've been naughty or nice. I've bought extra paint for my iconograph imps to capture every moment of the festive season!"
Tomjon Vitoller: "I'll be appearing as the Ghost of Hogswatch Past, Present and Yet to Come in Hwel's new play 'Carol Does Hogswatch'. Some weasel juggler from Slice tried to hire me to impersonate him at the Lancre Hogswatch Festival - apparently he's double-booked - but I think I've seen enough of Lancre to last a lifetime."
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Rincewind: "I intend to stay locked in my study, where I will do quiet, safe, unthreatening things and eat a big plate of steaming potatoes. No sausages for me, they look too dangerous. And I'm certainly not coming out for Charades, no matter what the Dean says."
Constable Washpot Visit: We followers of the great Om don't hold with the pagan frivolities of the unbelievers. The so-called Hogswatch Day, and every day, is for us a time of prayer and contemplation and haranguing all unbelievers to forsake their heathen ways and join the Church of Om. Can I interest you in some educational pamphlets?"
Ponder Stibbons: "We're throwing a little party for Hex this Hogswatch, since he's been working so hard all year. I know Hex is only a machine, but this is a magical University after all, and more and more he - it - acts like a person. Rather like the Bursar, actually. Hex printed us out a Hogswatch card last night, and made the following request, at least I think it's a request: ++ I POSTULATE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO PLAY CHARADES IN A TEXT-BASED MEDIUM. NEED MORE CHEESE, A DUNGEON, AND A BAG OF HOLDING++ - we'll be looking into that. Hex also managed to somehow send a clacks to Hung Lo's Klatchian Pizzeria, ordering 50 large Tropical Hots with extra Wow-Wow sauce. See? Just like the Bursar."
Stanley of the Post Office: "We have a new special-issue Hogswatch stamp! In two sizes! These are offered in both domestic and foreign denominations and are produced to the highest standard, using vegetable-based paints of my own manufacture. The half-dollar stamps feature a new portrait of Lord Vetinari, specially commissioned, by Leonard of Quirm, and the tenpence stamps are available as a series of reproduced illustrations from the popular children's book 'Where's My Cow?'. These are not-to-be-missed collector's items! Ask me about stamps today! I'll be working at the Post Office all through Hogswatch, of course."
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Otto Chriek: "I vill stay home und polish my iconograph lenses, und feed zer imps und zer salamanders. Und not drink zer blood. On no account vill I drink zer blood. Back in Uberwald, ve haff zer blood sausages, und zer blood pudding, und zer...um, I zink I vill go haff a little lie-down now, excuse me."
Mrs Vena McGarry: "I just don't know what I'll do with myself now that the lads have buggered off to another realm of pillage and plunder. Things have been dreadfully quiet ever since. I might drop in on Mrs War and help her with the new batch of massage oil and bunion creams, but probably I'll just stay home and knit broadsword scabbards for the grandchildren."
The Dean of UU: "Charades! Pork pies! Cracker-pulling! And even bigger than usual dinners! And Ridcully's agreed to let me lead the paintball battle! Yes! Hut! Yo!"
Carrot Ironfoundersson: "Angua and I will be ski-ing in the Uberwald Alps this Hogswatch. I suggested we drop in on her parents, but for some reason she said she'd rather visit the dwarf bread museum at Copperhead, or dive headfirst into a vat of boiling oil. I think she was displaying sarcasm."
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Her Grace Sybil, Duchess of Ankh: "This is the first Hogswatch young Sam will be old enough to remember, so we'll be pushing the boat out to make it a memorable one. We'll have carols by dragonlight, and pork pies - he's on solid foods now, isn't he clever? - and sausages a la Genua, and paper hats with the Ramkin crest on them. I've made sure my husband understands that our son has to have one day when his father is home all day and no-one dies horribly on the doorstep. Nothing's too good for my Sams."
The Great Gaspode: "I'll be doin' a spot o' seasonal begging wiv my human pet Foul Ole Ron. Well, some say he's human. Myself, I'm not so sure. I've met Scoone Avenue poodles more human than Ron. Still, it always helps to have a pet human onna leash, people seem to dig deeper in their pockets for a double act. Oh, and we'll be begging at the Palace kitchens on St Furtive's Day. They're always good for a sausage or two, so long as we promise not to sing carols at them."
Leonard of Quirm: "Oh, is it Hogswatch again? How time flies, it seems like barely a year ago that I had built a chimney-widening apparatus to allow fathers to more easily pretend to be Hogfathers, and incidentally also prise open the walls of castles and fortresses. This year, I shall be finishing my device for using rays of invisible light to cook food very quickly from the inside out. I call it the Cooking Food From The Inside Out With Rays Of Invisible Light Very Quickly Device. Surely no-one would ever think of using it for something so terrible as cooking people very quickly from the inside out. Er, happy Hogswatch!"
Seldom Bucket: "A quiet holiday. Plenty of cheese. No stress. And no opera. Especially no opera."
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Mrs Erzulie Gogol: "I'll be making my special Hogswatch jambalaya, so's I can have a look at what's goin' to happen in the next year. Young miss Ella says she'll be dropping round for a visit an' a snack on the day. She invited me to the palace, but I declined. After all, I can't afford to be seen lowering my standards."
Esmerelda Weatherwax: "Traditional Hogswatch celebrations? Cuddly Hogfather dolls? Load o' rubbish. I've met the Hogfather and I can tell you he's not even a little bit cuddly. Hogswatch is an important time for witches - keeping the real old traditions - and there's nothing cuddly about those either. And as for paper hats and Charades, I can't be having with that sort of thing."
Lord Havelock Vetinari: "In honour of the festive nature of the day, I shall take an entire thirty minutes off from scrutinising and ruling the city, and consider one glass of wine with my bread and water. For sheer indulgence, I shall read the entire score of Fondel's 'Underwater Music'. One must accept a modicum of frivolity at least one day of the year, especially on the part of others, so I shall give Drumknott an hour off. Don't let me stop you leaving, madam."
Moist von Lipwig: "I was thinking of dropping round to the Golem Trust to ask Miss Dearheart if she wants to go watch the carollers in Sator Square with me. I've taken the precaution of buying six cartons of Klatchian Kools cigarettes, an armload of Higgs & Meakins finest chocolates, and some mistletoe. Does anyone know how to buy off a Golem chaperon?
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Lu-Tze the Sweeper: Is it not said that to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven? Not that I'd know, but I can tell you that each day is the same as every other one when there's sweeping to be done. It's not like sweepers get time off, you know. Especially on public holidays, when people are partying and making even more rubbish than usual. For is it not said that many hands make light work?"
Count Giamo Casanunda: "Mistletoe. Hogswatch is definitely all about the mistletoe. So, what's a lovely lady like yourself doing out working alone on Hogswatch, when you could be sharing the delights of the language of love with a willing admirer like, say, the world's second greatest lover? Have you ever eaten oysters? Or watched the moonrise over Cori Celesti from a secluded bower? Mmm?"
Conina: "Mmm, wild boar. Roast wild boar. See these hairdressing scissors? I can carve a roast wild boar - or a live one - into perfect portions in twenty seconds flat. And Io help anyone who gets within three feet of me with a paper hat. Herrydeterrity is so embarrassing..."
Angua von Uberwald: "I'll be ski-ing with my...friend Carrot, and enjoying a vegetarian meal. I certainly won't be spending time with my family. I wanted to stay on duty for the Hogswatch season - crime is rife when the dog's away - but Carrot can be very persuasive. And at least he's not the sort to commit, er, indulge in Charades."
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Rob Anybody Mac Feegle: "Aye, 'tis Hogswatch, right enough. Me an' the lads'll be oot giein' ship beasties an' Sassenachs a face full o' heid, and havin' a sip o' the auld Special Sheep Liniment. An' stealin', o'course. Wouldn't be Hogswatch wi'out the stealin'. I've commissioned, that's one o' them lawyer words, our gonnagle t' make an extrrra special Hogswatch poem in honour of Kelda Jeannie. Accomp'nied by mousepipes, o'course - it's been a while since the burrow had a good clean-out o' vermin. As for thet Hogfather - crivens, we Feegle don't take kindly to the housebreakin' unless it's us what's doin' it. If he dares shinny down our chimney, we'll gie him a kickin' he'll not soon forget!"
Jason Ogg: "I be decorating our Mam's house for Hogswatch, same as always, and forging some new strings for her banjo. And I always take time on Hogswatch to do a little shoeing job for a very special customer. It ain't easy shoeing boars, but I've got Duties."
Dr "Mossy" Lawn: "Holiday celebrations? As if! Hogswatch is my busiest time of year, what with all the cases of alcohol poisoning, the knife and bludgeon wounds, the frostbitten carollers, the unsuccessful suicides...not to mention all the embarrassing injuries sustained from playing Charades. And young fathers suffering from burns and soot inhalation after attempting to convince their children that the Hogfather really can fit down a chimney. And the jolly uncles with lampshades stuck on their heads. And don't get me started on the body parts I have to extract mistletoe from! But I will be cooking a Hogswatch goose in the surgical sterilising cauldron, though Cori Celesti knows when I'll get time to actually eat it."
Igor: "All I want for Hogthwatch ith my two front teeth. And a few thetth of thpareth. And a couple of new kidneyth. Mind you, the old one'th I got from my Uncle Igor are thill functhioning exthellently. I'd love to do thome thurgery experimenth on the Hogfather; I thuthpect that grafting thome of the flying pig partth onto him would make deliverieth of prethentth eathier and fathter..."
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Cheery Littlebottom: "I'm going to spend Hogswatch in Uberwald this year as a guest of the Low King. I'm so excited! We're going to sort tailings from the new silver mines - sometimes it's nice to get back to cosy traditional things, you know - and there's even a rumour that sh-, I mean he might have a Music With Rocks In disco in the Disused Shaft Club down in Old Number 22. Beats working with smelly chemicals and smellier dead bodies, I can tell you!"
His Grace Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh: "This year will be our first true family Hogswatch since our Mam, erm, since. No more shouting across the Ramkin banquetting table while Willikins serves like a silent Thief. No, this year we'll have all the party games and the crackers and the proper festivities, because I want my son to remember every Hogswatch as a joyful time when his father is home all day and no-one dies horribly on the doorstep. Nothing's too good for my Sam."
Mrs Evadne Cake: "Hogswatch will've been a laugh this year. We'll've had mince pies - with minced pork, of course - and roast suckling pig and some of that nice Mr Dibbler's sausages. Ludmilla and her young man will've done great at Charades, and young Mr Shoe from the Watch will've dropped by with a nice card from Lugubri's sorry-for-yer-loss shop. But I have to say that next Hogswatch was even better."
Sergeant Jackrum: "Upon my oath, I'm not a Hogswatch man. I'd sooner spend that day drinking and telling battle stories down the pub. Any pub. But this year, as a special concession to my Little Lads, I'm going to spend Hogswatch in the old traditional Borogravian way - fasting, reading the Book of Nuggan aloud in a sober voice, and toasting the health of the Duchess in mineral water. That's what I'm telling the Ruperts anyway!" And if you believe that, you'd make a good soldier."
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Reginald Shoe: "Of course I won't be following all those vital people's traditions, because we postvitals don't eat pork products, or any kind of products. No, we rejoice in being by-products. Every Hogswatch the Fresh Start Club gives Ankh-Morpork and the wider Disc the best present of all, by not adding to the population problem. But I do try to keep an open mind, so I'll be participating in some of the less politically-incorrect party games and Hogswatch carolling. Oh, and I intend to pay a social call on Mrs Cake and bring her a card, but that's going to be a surprise."
Mustrum Ridcully: "This Hogswatch, I'll be going hunting. I intend to bag a boar, a stag and a brace of pheasants, then get Mrs Whitlow to stuff the pheasants in the boar and the boar in the stag and roast them with plenty of Wow-Wow sauce. That should make a fine little snack to start off our Hogswatch Breakfast. The Dean wants us to play Charades, but I've warned him that he is under no circumstances allowed to try acting out Beti the Exotic Dancer again."
Hughnon Ridcully: "Hogswatch is at heart a solemn time, a time to ponder on the ineffable ways of the gods and the marvels and miracles of the world around us, a time for abstinence and contemplation, a time of joy to all men. Oh, all right, and to all Golems. Yes, and other sentient species. Very well. I shall be reading the Hogswatch Service in Small Gods myself this year. After that? I hear Mustrum's doing a spot of hunting...abstinence is a state of mind, after all."
C.M.O.T. Dibbler: "I've got just the thing for you this Hogswatch - the finest quality cuddly toys! Fluffy scale-model cuddlies of Slasher, Gouger, Tusker and Rooter. Totally lifelike! And when you pull their hidden strings, they widdle and grunt! Just AM$9.99, and that's cutting my own throat! And can I interest you in a Sonky and Sons life-sized inflatable Hogfather? String of papier-mâché sausages? And of course there's the inimitable Dibbler's Festive Hogswatch Sausages Inna Bun and Holiday Pork (Probably) Pies. Buy one! Buy two! You know it makes sense!"
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Mrs Rosie Palm: "Every Hogswatch, my girls and I spare no effort to get into the festive spirit. Of course we're great supporters of pork products - especially, erm, sausages - and we're quite enthusiastic about dances, especially private ones, and wassailing. And mistletoe. Oh, and Charades. My youngest, most attractive girls will be dressing as Hogswatch presents. And I'm sure you know we're very keen on presents that come in stockings..."
Susan Sto Helit: "I don't hold with all that holiday rubbish, but I suppose I can stretch to dropping in on Grandfather for a cup of Albert's fried porridge. Just so long as Grandfather and that rat don't try to make me play Charades."
Tiffany Aching: "This Hogswatch I intend to work very hard on my holiday cheeses. Mistress Ogg has invited me up to her town to teach me the mysteries of the famous Lancre Blue cheese. I'm a bit worried about the way she says 'Blue' though. And about her telling me to bring a heavy leather apron and chain mail. Leather and chain mail for cheesemaking? Perhaps I should bring a frying pan as well, just to be safe."
The Abbot of the History Monks: "To a Yen Buddhist History Monk, all Days are as one day grzzlewaaah!, so we don't celebrate Hogswatch. Of course, if you look at it another way, every day is Hogswatch, but we don't eat pork wannapottywannapottynow! and that much sherry would give me terrible wind. I plan to spend your Hogswatch Day drinking hot yak-butter tea with my favourite Yetis, and shouting at the novices wannawannawannaBIKKIT!"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
William de Worde: "Has the Hogfather (age unknown) been secretly suffering a debilitating illness? Reports from various sources indicate that, on his Hogswatchnight outing last year, he was seen to appear considerably thinner - 'Almost like a skellington,' said Arthur Nougat (5) of No. 21 The Lane, Little Scullings. There's also the disturbing mystery of 'Albert the Elf', the Hogfather's new assistant; Mrs Elsie Gubbins (62) of Dolly Sisters claims she saw this personage smoking, swearing, scratching himself inappropriately and stealing festive pork pies. Is that the sort of influence we want our children subjected to at this sacrosanct time of year? The public should be told the truth."
Mrs Whitlow: "Polly, Dolly, Molly and H'ai shall be h'engaged in the making of the usual wagonloads of pork pies, mince pies, sausages and roast suckling pigs for the Faculty Hogswatch parties. We shan't have time to 'party', there's too much to be done. H'ai don't hold with this Hogswatch carousing h'anyways. There's far too much drinking, and those Charades can get pretty riskey. Or so H'aive heard. Hmph."
Gytha Ogg: "Our Dreen says she's ordered me one of those ex-o-teek palm trees from Klatch, to put next to the fireplace this Hogswatch Eve. That won't half confuse the Hogfather when he comes down my chimney! Of course, they don't celebrate Hogswatchnight out in Klatch, they decorate their camels instead and do the Dance of the Seven Veils. My second husband used to love me doing the Dance of the Seven Veils. He said I was the most erratic woman in all Lancre - spelling was never his strong point. But he certainly had a strong point...I've invited young Tiffany up to visit as well, going to give her some tips on cheesemaking. Fine young lass, though maybe a bit too serious. I may give her the palm tree - then she'll never lack for dates."
Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite: "I'll be locking my door this Hogswatch. I'm sick to the back teeth of all those little yellow men wandering in and sitting at my feet and taking down everything I say. One of them called me 'great sage' last year. Now I ask you, do I look like a kitchen herb? Some people ought to get out more in the fresh air, I tell you."
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU: "The Archchancellor's going to let me have cutlery! And Distressed Pudding! Wheee!"
HRH Magrat de Lancre: "In the ancient days, when folk were ancient and had far more folk wisdom than the kind of unwise folk we get these days, Hogswatch was all about the death and rebirth of the land, about the affirmation of ancient rituals and paying respects to the earth and to the gods. Now people seem to think it's all just about getting drunk and singing rude songs, and Charades, and who's got the biggest pork pie. I think that's a shame. I made Verence make a proclamation about it, but Shawn Ogg couldn't read it out in the town square because he was too drunk and he'd sprained his ankle acting out the Dance of the Seven Veils during Charades at Nanny's."
C.W.St.J. (Nobby) Nobbs: "I'll be practising traditional Ankh-Morpork folkways for Hogswatch. Why are you looking at me like that? Nothing wrong with traditional folkways. Nothing wrong with hankies; useful things, hankies. And bells. And athletic pursuits outdoors in the fresh smog, erm, air. I might meet Fred Colon for a smoke later in the day. He always tells the missus we're going carolling, and she always falls for it. Good woman, that Mrs Fred."
Agnes Nitt: "Hogswatch is all about giving, and sharing, and putting up with insults from one's family. And desserts, of course. But not mistletoe. Never mistletoe. I'll be carolling again this year, too. They even pay me, because they say my being able to sing two parts at once saves on rehearsal expenses."
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
HRH Verence II de Lancre: "This year, I've decreed an old-fashioned, traditional Hogswatch festival in Lancre Town. There will be sausage bobbing, black pudding pitching, a bonfire, and humorous paper hats for all our subjects. I've tasked Shawn Ogg with setting up a tree recycling collection - can't overestimate the importance of recycling in these enlightened times. I wanted to have Mrs Ogg as our festival traditions consultant since she knows so much about ancient neglected folkways, but Magrat, I mean Her Royal Highness, says Nanny Ogg's traditions are the sort that ought to stay neglected. Oh, and we've sent to Slice for their famous weasel juggler."
Sgt Fred Colon: "Mrs Colon will be making all the traditional Hogswatch foods. We'll eat and drink even more than usual, pull our crackers, play Charades, and then listen to the town criers reading out the Patrician's Speech. Nobby's threatened to drop by later, so we might arrange to go out for a smoke, I mean for carolling. Hopefully no-one will steal the Brass Bridge while I'm on holidays."
Twoflower of Agatea: "Your Hogswatch holiday is so fascinating! So many unusual and exciting activities! I especially like the noble game you call 'Charades', and the exploding crackers with their sage and humorous slogans - very like our misfortune cookies. I intend to don your traditional paper hat, sit on the Hogfather's lap, and kiss him under the mistletoe. And I shall sit up late and eat pork pies with sherry, and wrap presents, and ask total strangers if they've been naughty or nice. I've bought extra paint for my iconograph imps to capture every moment of the festive season!"
Tomjon Vitoller: "I'll be appearing as the Ghost of Hogswatch Past, Present and Yet to Come in Hwel's new play 'Carol Does Hogswatch'. Some weasel juggler from Slice tried to hire me to impersonate him at the Lancre Hogswatch Festival - apparently he's double-booked - but I think I've seen enough of Lancre to last a lifetime."
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Rincewind: "I intend to stay locked in my study, where I will do quiet, safe, unthreatening things and eat a big plate of steaming potatoes. No sausages for me, they look too dangerous. And I'm certainly not coming out for Charades, no matter what the Dean says."
Constable Washpot Visit: We followers of the great Om don't hold with the pagan frivolities of the unbelievers. The so-called Hogswatch Day, and every day, is for us a time of prayer and contemplation and haranguing all unbelievers to forsake their heathen ways and join the Church of Om. Can I interest you in some educational pamphlets?"
Ponder Stibbons: "We're throwing a little party for Hex this Hogswatch, since he's been working so hard all year. I know Hex is only a machine, but this is a magical University after all, and more and more he - it - acts like a person. Rather like the Bursar, actually. Hex printed us out a Hogswatch card last night, and made the following request, at least I think it's a request: ++ I POSTULATE THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO PLAY CHARADES IN A TEXT-BASED MEDIUM. NEED MORE CHEESE, A DUNGEON, AND A BAG OF HOLDING++ - we'll be looking into that. Hex also managed to somehow send a clacks to Hung Lo's Klatchian Pizzeria, ordering 50 large Tropical Hots with extra Wow-Wow sauce. See? Just like the Bursar."
Stanley of the Post Office: "We have a new special-issue Hogswatch stamp! In two sizes! These are offered in both domestic and foreign denominations and are produced to the highest standard, using vegetable-based paints of my own manufacture. The half-dollar stamps feature a new portrait of Lord Vetinari, specially commissioned, by Leonard of Quirm, and the tenpence stamps are available as a series of reproduced illustrations from the popular children's book 'Where's My Cow?'. These are not-to-be-missed collector's items! Ask me about stamps today! I'll be working at the Post Office all through Hogswatch, of course."
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Otto Chriek: "I vill stay home und polish my iconograph lenses, und feed zer imps und zer salamanders. Und not drink zer blood. On no account vill I drink zer blood. Back in Uberwald, ve haff zer blood sausages, und zer blood pudding, und zer...um, I zink I vill go haff a little lie-down now, excuse me."
Mrs Vena McGarry: "I just don't know what I'll do with myself now that the lads have buggered off to another realm of pillage and plunder. Things have been dreadfully quiet ever since. I might drop in on Mrs War and help her with the new batch of massage oil and bunion creams, but probably I'll just stay home and knit broadsword scabbards for the grandchildren."
The Dean of UU: "Charades! Pork pies! Cracker-pulling! And even bigger than usual dinners! And Ridcully's agreed to let me lead the paintball battle! Yes! Hut! Yo!"
Carrot Ironfoundersson: "Angua and I will be ski-ing in the Uberwald Alps this Hogswatch. I suggested we drop in on her parents, but for some reason she said she'd rather visit the dwarf bread museum at Copperhead, or dive headfirst into a vat of boiling oil. I think she was displaying sarcasm."
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Her Grace Sybil, Duchess of Ankh: "This is the first Hogswatch young Sam will be old enough to remember, so we'll be pushing the boat out to make it a memorable one. We'll have carols by dragonlight, and pork pies - he's on solid foods now, isn't he clever? - and sausages a la Genua, and paper hats with the Ramkin crest on them. I've made sure my husband understands that our son has to have one day when his father is home all day and no-one dies horribly on the doorstep. Nothing's too good for my Sams."
The Great Gaspode: "I'll be doin' a spot o' seasonal begging wiv my human pet Foul Ole Ron. Well, some say he's human. Myself, I'm not so sure. I've met Scoone Avenue poodles more human than Ron. Still, it always helps to have a pet human onna leash, people seem to dig deeper in their pockets for a double act. Oh, and we'll be begging at the Palace kitchens on St Furtive's Day. They're always good for a sausage or two, so long as we promise not to sing carols at them."
Leonard of Quirm: "Oh, is it Hogswatch again? How time flies, it seems like barely a year ago that I had built a chimney-widening apparatus to allow fathers to more easily pretend to be Hogfathers, and incidentally also prise open the walls of castles and fortresses. This year, I shall be finishing my device for using rays of invisible light to cook food very quickly from the inside out. I call it the Cooking Food From The Inside Out With Rays Of Invisible Light Very Quickly Device. Surely no-one would ever think of using it for something so terrible as cooking people very quickly from the inside out. Er, happy Hogswatch!"
Seldom Bucket: "A quiet holiday. Plenty of cheese. No stress. And no opera. Especially no opera."
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Mrs Erzulie Gogol: "I'll be making my special Hogswatch jambalaya, so's I can have a look at what's goin' to happen in the next year. Young miss Ella says she'll be dropping round for a visit an' a snack on the day. She invited me to the palace, but I declined. After all, I can't afford to be seen lowering my standards."
Esmerelda Weatherwax: "Traditional Hogswatch celebrations? Cuddly Hogfather dolls? Load o' rubbish. I've met the Hogfather and I can tell you he's not even a little bit cuddly. Hogswatch is an important time for witches - keeping the real old traditions - and there's nothing cuddly about those either. And as for paper hats and Charades, I can't be having with that sort of thing."
Lord Havelock Vetinari: "In honour of the festive nature of the day, I shall take an entire thirty minutes off from scrutinising and ruling the city, and consider one glass of wine with my bread and water. For sheer indulgence, I shall read the entire score of Fondel's 'Underwater Music'. One must accept a modicum of frivolity at least one day of the year, especially on the part of others, so I shall give Drumknott an hour off. Don't let me stop you leaving, madam."
Moist von Lipwig: "I was thinking of dropping round to the Golem Trust to ask Miss Dearheart if she wants to go watch the carollers in Sator Square with me. I've taken the precaution of buying six cartons of Klatchian Kools cigarettes, an armload of Higgs & Meakins finest chocolates, and some mistletoe. Does anyone know how to buy off a Golem chaperon?
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Lu-Tze the Sweeper: Is it not said that to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven? Not that I'd know, but I can tell you that each day is the same as every other one when there's sweeping to be done. It's not like sweepers get time off, you know. Especially on public holidays, when people are partying and making even more rubbish than usual. For is it not said that many hands make light work?"
Count Giamo Casanunda: "Mistletoe. Hogswatch is definitely all about the mistletoe. So, what's a lovely lady like yourself doing out working alone on Hogswatch, when you could be sharing the delights of the language of love with a willing admirer like, say, the world's second greatest lover? Have you ever eaten oysters? Or watched the moonrise over Cori Celesti from a secluded bower? Mmm?"
Conina: "Mmm, wild boar. Roast wild boar. See these hairdressing scissors? I can carve a roast wild boar - or a live one - into perfect portions in twenty seconds flat. And Io help anyone who gets within three feet of me with a paper hat. Herrydeterrity is so embarrassing..."
Angua von Uberwald: "I'll be ski-ing with my...friend Carrot, and enjoying a vegetarian meal. I certainly won't be spending time with my family. I wanted to stay on duty for the Hogswatch season - crime is rife when the dog's away - but Carrot can be very persuasive. And at least he's not the sort to commit, er, indulge in Charades."
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Rob Anybody Mac Feegle: "Aye, 'tis Hogswatch, right enough. Me an' the lads'll be oot giein' ship beasties an' Sassenachs a face full o' heid, and havin' a sip o' the auld Special Sheep Liniment. An' stealin', o'course. Wouldn't be Hogswatch wi'out the stealin'. I've commissioned, that's one o' them lawyer words, our gonnagle t' make an extrrra special Hogswatch poem in honour of Kelda Jeannie. Accomp'nied by mousepipes, o'course - it's been a while since the burrow had a good clean-out o' vermin. As for thet Hogfather - crivens, we Feegle don't take kindly to the housebreakin' unless it's us what's doin' it. If he dares shinny down our chimney, we'll gie him a kickin' he'll not soon forget!"
Jason Ogg: "I be decorating our Mam's house for Hogswatch, same as always, and forging some new strings for her banjo. And I always take time on Hogswatch to do a little shoeing job for a very special customer. It ain't easy shoeing boars, but I've got Duties."
Dr "Mossy" Lawn: "Holiday celebrations? As if! Hogswatch is my busiest time of year, what with all the cases of alcohol poisoning, the knife and bludgeon wounds, the frostbitten carollers, the unsuccessful suicides...not to mention all the embarrassing injuries sustained from playing Charades. And young fathers suffering from burns and soot inhalation after attempting to convince their children that the Hogfather really can fit down a chimney. And the jolly uncles with lampshades stuck on their heads. And don't get me started on the body parts I have to extract mistletoe from! But I will be cooking a Hogswatch goose in the surgical sterilising cauldron, though Cori Celesti knows when I'll get time to actually eat it."
Igor: "All I want for Hogthwatch ith my two front teeth. And a few thetth of thpareth. And a couple of new kidneyth. Mind you, the old one'th I got from my Uncle Igor are thill functhioning exthellently. I'd love to do thome thurgery experimenth on the Hogfather; I thuthpect that grafting thome of the flying pig partth onto him would make deliverieth of prethentth eathier and fathter..."
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
November 2005
From far Agatea comes the noble art of Haiku (not to be confused with the lesser Bhangbhangducan arts of Sezyu and Fuku); this month, I've a fancy to cast your Horoscopes in Haiku form. Since this form of arcane Eastern art is bloody difficu-, um, rather delicate and precise, you may find that a certain soupcon of my usual "trademark humour" is missing (no, Mister Throat, I'm not going to explain what a "trademark" is. Yes, my ancient mother quite enjoyed those almost unused false teeth you sold her last week at an even larger than usual discount price. No, I'm still not going to explain to you about "trademarks"). As always, I exhort you to look to your Signs and take my advice without a grain of salt, unless you're a Sea Troll, in which case you can't take anything without a grain of salt. Be well.
Writing horoscopes
Is by far more difficult
Than you'd think. - what? What?
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Adamant Hedgehog
Sign of cops (and Mrs Cake)
Protects feet and nails
This month, buy new shoes
Invest well in manicures
Sacrifice to Fate
Tend your offspring well
Share with them great lit'rature
"That is not my cow!"
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Tulips in the sky
Gahoolie, the astral Vase
Smiles on those confused
This month, seek new goals
Try postvital politics
Join the Fresh Start Club
Zombies need hugs too!
Don't avoid them, even if
Bits keep dropping off
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Gentle hunted Herne
God of small and helpless lives
Favours nervous types
This month, guard your skin
From Fourecks's brutal sun
(Bring a beer along)
Caution is your friend
Sunstroke is your enemy
Practise "Slip, Slap, Slop"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Wizard's Staff and Knob:
Fans of aristology
Know this Star Sign well
This month, take light meals
And eschew things over-rich
(That's eschew, not "chew")
Second breakfast's out
Likewise for elevenses
Soon, you'll see your feet
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Morning-after woes?
Bilious, God of Hangovers
Groans in sympathy
This month, try "Lite" beers
Sup not of reannuals
That would end in tears
Recent research shows
Unfermented grape juice is
Good for healthy hearts!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Lacking artifice?
Mubbo the Hyena can
Inspire subtleness
This month, avoid swords
Unless wielded by yourself
In berserker rage
Empires beg to fall
Trodden 'neath your sandalled feet
Soft the hero sleeps
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Terrified of risks?
Boring Groups of (Small) Faint Stars
Shines upon your fears
This month, forswear spells
Necrotelicomnicons
And geography
Seek a quiet life
Magical researches are
Best left to the brave
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Starry, starry night
Born under Androgyna?
Casual's the word
This month, brook no fools
Beware Dibblers bearing gifts
(Also, Mrs Cake)
Thrift's for faint of heart
Bargain hunters know no fear
Shop until you drop
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Travel free and far
Great T'Phon's Foot will not step
Hard on Footys born
This month, use your head
Swot arcane philosophies
Or invent the Gonne
Thoughts cannot be caged
Even when the thinker's chained
Head-down o'er a pit
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Magickal adepts
Hoki, Jokester set on high
Brings you eldritch luck
This month, cast dark runes
Study well the entrails' turns
Dead men do tell tales
Shadows, eerie winds
"When shall we three meet again?"
Don't forget the scones
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Hark to Love's sweet song!
Rather Large Gazunda holds
Sway o'er lovers' lips
This month, make love well
Whether you be Seamstress fair
Or besotted Dwarf
Carrots, oysters, wine
Don't forget the Special Sauce
Thus are legends born
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Clever-fingered thieves
Lesser Umbrage favours you
With keen eyes and hands
This month, lose yourself
In the practice of your Arts
Heed nae Laird nor Quin
Steal a passing ship
Or a coo, if you be bold
Blow, ye mousepipes, blow!
Writing horoscopes
Is by far more difficult
Than you'd think. - what? What?
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Adamant Hedgehog
Sign of cops (and Mrs Cake)
Protects feet and nails
This month, buy new shoes
Invest well in manicures
Sacrifice to Fate
Tend your offspring well
Share with them great lit'rature
"That is not my cow!"
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Tulips in the sky
Gahoolie, the astral Vase
Smiles on those confused
This month, seek new goals
Try postvital politics
Join the Fresh Start Club
Zombies need hugs too!
Don't avoid them, even if
Bits keep dropping off
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Gentle hunted Herne
God of small and helpless lives
Favours nervous types
This month, guard your skin
From Fourecks's brutal sun
(Bring a beer along)
Caution is your friend
Sunstroke is your enemy
Practise "Slip, Slap, Slop"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Wizard's Staff and Knob:
Fans of aristology
Know this Star Sign well
This month, take light meals
And eschew things over-rich
(That's eschew, not "chew")
Second breakfast's out
Likewise for elevenses
Soon, you'll see your feet
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Morning-after woes?
Bilious, God of Hangovers
Groans in sympathy
This month, try "Lite" beers
Sup not of reannuals
That would end in tears
Recent research shows
Unfermented grape juice is
Good for healthy hearts!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Lacking artifice?
Mubbo the Hyena can
Inspire subtleness
This month, avoid swords
Unless wielded by yourself
In berserker rage
Empires beg to fall
Trodden 'neath your sandalled feet
Soft the hero sleeps
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Terrified of risks?
Boring Groups of (Small) Faint Stars
Shines upon your fears
This month, forswear spells
Necrotelicomnicons
And geography
Seek a quiet life
Magical researches are
Best left to the brave
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Starry, starry night
Born under Androgyna?
Casual's the word
This month, brook no fools
Beware Dibblers bearing gifts
(Also, Mrs Cake)
Thrift's for faint of heart
Bargain hunters know no fear
Shop until you drop
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Travel free and far
Great T'Phon's Foot will not step
Hard on Footys born
This month, use your head
Swot arcane philosophies
Or invent the Gonne
Thoughts cannot be caged
Even when the thinker's chained
Head-down o'er a pit
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Magickal adepts
Hoki, Jokester set on high
Brings you eldritch luck
This month, cast dark runes
Study well the entrails' turns
Dead men do tell tales
Shadows, eerie winds
"When shall we three meet again?"
Don't forget the scones
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Hark to Love's sweet song!
Rather Large Gazunda holds
Sway o'er lovers' lips
This month, make love well
Whether you be Seamstress fair
Or besotted Dwarf
Carrots, oysters, wine
Don't forget the Special Sauce
Thus are legends born
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Clever-fingered thieves
Lesser Umbrage favours you
With keen eyes and hands
This month, lose yourself
In the practice of your Arts
Heed nae Laird nor Quin
Steal a passing ship
Or a coo, if you be bold
Blow, ye mousepipes, blow!
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