The Turnwise Almanack

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Clog post 14 with YMPA and Reader In The Stacks

THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

Post 14. BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY (PART 2)

First Clog: "I can't let Morpork go"

So...I'm still here. But I'll be heading home soon. Maybe in a few days. Or something.

It's hard to leave Ankh-Morpork. It's like, um, quicksand. Or slurry. You try to drag yourself out and it keeps sucking you back in. I know, I know, it smells like quicksand mixed with slurry too, but there's something about this city... I've heard it said that the city is a woman (though in that case, it's a woman of very questionable personal hygiene) who gets under your skin, but that sounds very uncomfortable and also crowded. Of course, A-M is uncomfortable and crowded, so maybe they have a point, but it's just... so... fascinating here. And exciting. And dangerous. Okay, maybe less of the dangerous as a recommendation, but so very fascinating. They say -- "they" say a lot of things, don't they? -- there are a million stories in this big festering fragrant megalopolis, and that means an endless supply of inspirations for a Bard to write about.

But I'm going home soon. Really. Yes.

Very busy these days, but here's some assorted news:

Career goes from strength to strength! The Sisters of Invention is a five-piece now: myself, Listeria, Anaglypta (really taken to the lute, she has), Lucrezia (very decent on the mandolin and banjo), and an expatriate called LuRid from Morpork Below who apparently used to play Below with a band called the Vurm-lit Underground (good drummer, but his voice is a bit cracked). We're playing at least four nights a week now, and we've even joined the Musicians' Guild! For all the disturbing stories I've heard about the Guild, it seems like a tame enough organisation, and the rates aren't too bad...though I did hear they went through a major reorganisation a few years ago, so maybe that explains it.

One of our regular gigs now is at Wahoonie, I'm Home. This means I get my Barbarian at the Gate cocktails free. This in turn means a lot of scumble hangovers, which means a lot of hair of the dog (or of the "...mostly apples..."), which means I'm feeling a bit, um, liverish lately. Well, more than a bit. Might have to go back to beer. Though there are some interesting new cocktails on the drinks menu. These include the Tired and Emotional, which features Genuan creme de menthe, Brindisian grappa and BeTrobi Islands rum and has even more of a kick than the Rule You Wholesale (though less of a brassica flavour); the Aqueduct de Luxe, which claims to include real Ankh water with gin to "make it safe for drinking" (but I don't believe mere spirits could sanitise Ankh water); the Duke of Ankh, which is just sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon, but the barman does wave an unopened bottle of whisky near it before serving; the Grand Vizier, featuring melon liqueur from Al Khali and fig juice; and the Hook, Line and Stinkered, which believe it or not is made from fish consomme and Djelibeybian garlic wine. That one give a while new meaning to the phrase "liquid lunch"! Very inventive, these modern bartenders.

***

There's a new bookshop that's opened in Rime Street, near the Contract Bridge end -- it's called Waterstain's. I paid a visit the other day and found a real treasure: Bawdey Ballades, by A Wanton Ladye. I've put some of these to music and they're going down a treat at the Seamstresses' Guild gigs, especially when sung by Listeria with, um, explanatory gestures. Mr Waterstain is something of a treasure himself, very friendly and helpful. And he also sells lute strings! I'm putting this one on my personal Mapp.

***

Yesterday I met a man with a duck on his head. No-one seemed to notice it. How very A-M.

***

There's a display of antiquities, which is to say things dug up during the Undertaking, currently on view at an old house on Chrononhotonthologos Street. Very interesting.

***

There was a party at the home of Rosella, one of Mrs Palm's employees, last night. Much more interesting.

***

Had my first Dibbler sausage inna bun. Also my last Dibbler sausage inna bun. One and the same.

Mr Dibbler still wants to manage the Sisters. After that sausage? No chance.

***

Found an Uberwaldean restaurant called Grossenschweinebitzen (which translates in Morporkian as Many Parts of Pig). It's in Scrag End, just off Pigsty Hill, and they do Ghoulish. Proper Ghoulish! Best I've had since Bad Blitz on the Blut! I'll be going there again for sure.

***

A-M beer does not sit well on mornings after. Am back on the Barbarians. At least with a scumble hangover you know what you're getting, and even essence of dead sheep is better than some of the things they put in the beer here.

***

Bad smog last night - a real curry-souper. I could hardly sing for coughing. I could hardly play for inebriation too, but that's not the point. They say the Undertaking will help clear the air here; Gods know that would make A-M more appealing!

***

I'm going home soon. Really.

Here endeth this post.

* * *

Second Clog: "...and the course of true love never runs smooth..."

Cert moved back off campus. Not back in with us, though -- he's taken a room at the YMPA in God Street -- but we're still getting on well and not at all like a house on fire, as it were. He's not as deep in his studies now because he's taken a job on the Undertaking. It seems they need all the Technomancers they can get, and don't mind if they haven't a UU doctorate as long as they have Talent and experience. Cert definitely has experience, as you all know from reading this Clacks log! -- so he's being paid very well, which is how he was able to afford the genuine octarine pendant he bought me last week. I said I wasn't sure what to make of that, and he said I could always make an investment of it. Aww, how sweet!

I suggested the YMPA because so many people, well, denizens of A-M, recommend it. It's clean and pleasant in a slightly run-down way, and even more broad-minded than Mrs Cake about who resides there, if that's possible. I wrote a song about it:

* * *

Meanwhile, there's been another bit of what you might call romantic drama in our little circle...Lucrezia, of all people! It seems that some of her Little Errands took her to the University, and she met a special someone. A very special someone. It was one of those star-crossed relationships that was Never Meant to Be, but her life will never be the same again since she met the...

READER IN THE STACKS

* * *

Must fly now. Rehearsal time! And then I'll start packing to go home. Really.

-- Alice

Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for YMCA, by the Village
People, can be found at:
http://www.lyricsondemand.com/onehitwonders/ymcalyrics.html

...and the original lyrics for Leader of the Pack, by the Shangri-Las, can be found at http://tinyurl.com/62zks4

August 2008

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico

Buongiorno my dearest friends! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, she has been bitten by the butterfly. But do not worry, for it is I, Fernando, and I shall shoulder the burden of being your astrologer this month.

This month, Fernando will use the horoscopes to answer some of the many questions sent to him by his readers. But first, Fernando is very exciting to announce that he can surf the clacks, for he has the C-mail address now and will be happy to receive letters and questions from his fans who are too far away to visit Fernando personally. Fernando promises to reply to everybody, no matter how much time it takes, for Fernando is a willing martyr to his devoted public. You can c-mail Fernando on Magnifico@Astrochelonian.AM now!

Fernando also knows that he is very popular across many dimensions, and he is owed a favour or three by some of the student wizards at the High Energy Magic Department. For this reason, Fernando has arranged for Hex to forward the Roundworld e-mails to him. For Fernando's readers in Roundworld, you can send the messages to <magnifico at pearwood dot info> and, if the interdimensional portals stay open long enough, Fernando will be happy to reply. But please, do not send Fernando any offers to make his manly parts any bigger, for Fernando is magnificent just as he is now. Ciao bella!

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Fernando's first letter is signed "Willikins".

Fernando is very excited by this letter, for Fernando loves a challenge. And what a challenge! The letter says nothing about the writer, which makes casting the horoscopes molto difficile for Fernando. But never fear, for Fernando is very good at what he does, and he will rise to the occasion no matter whether Willikins is perhaps the fashionable gentleman of fine distinction, or one of the very exciting young avant-garde (if you excuse my Quirmian, grazie) ladies of the art district who use only the one name and maybe enjoys painting the fig leafs. The letter says little, but Fernando's imagination is very wild. So Fernando has consulted with the stars, and the stars make Fernando's imagination even more wild. The stars say that Willikins will be in contact with fine wines and good food, and that he or she will often wield a sharp blade. The stars even suggest that there will be dragons. Fernando is intrigued.

The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

This letter is from the notable dwarf grag, Bashfull Bashfullsson, who writes:

Fernando salutes the wisdom of grag Bashfullsson, for Fernando knows that the stars speak to all peoples on the Disc, no matter their species and no matter whether the peoples are listening or not. The stars have this to say: remember that the truths of history are not always the history we know, and that words are like a double-edged axe. Especially, Fernando is certain, like a very old double-headed axe that has been mended many times but still can cut through... caramba, Fernando does not like to think of such things, for he believes in making the love, not the war.

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

Fernando has received a letter from the Hernian signorina who prefers to remain anonymous. The letter is too molto grande to publish it all, but here is a piccolo extract:

"Dear Fernando, I hope you don't mind me calling you Fernando, I feel that you have touched me in a way that so few astrologers and spiritual advisors manage to do. Your horoscopes have made such a difference to my life in too many ways for me to list, especially late at night when all is dark and hopeless. Mamma does not understand the blackness that crushes my soul, and Pappa tries, but he is so busy and is rarely home. And my brother is simply beastly to me. Oh Fernando, what shall become of me? When shall the unrelenting pain of my existence cease?"
Cara mia, it is never hopeless while Fernando is here, for he has a lifetime's experience in touching people in ways that others do not. Do not worry, for your letter reminds me of my little sister Dulcetta, except that Fernando was never the beast to her. She ran away to marry a young Lieutenant in the Brindisi Cavalry, it was so romantic and tragic for they had to overcome much opposition, but he is a Captain now and they are happy with the little bambino and many great big cuddly dogs.

Fernando has looked carefully at the stars, and they say that this month you should visit the museums and art galleries and find the romantic artists who will understand you, and if not, you will at least find the paintings of Fernando to ease your pain.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

This seems to be the month for anonymous letters. This one was written on a bananananana skin and left in Fernando's mail box together with a handful of peanuts:

"Ook ook OOK ook. Ook?"
Fernando has consulted the stars and has a prediction for the writer of this letter: when the UU Librarian reads this, the writer will very quickly learn what happens when student wizards try to play silly pranks on orangutans.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Fernando's letter is from the very famous Captain Blouse of Borogravia, who is visiting Ankh-Morpork as liaison to Lord Selachii's Dragoons.

As Fernando has mentioned before, Fernando is not a fighting man and does not approve of the warring, but he knows that there will be no shortage of astrologers who would be happy to cast the horoscopes for the regiments. None of them are as magnificent as Fernando, but Fernando is sure that they will be mostly adequate.

As for your young mathematician, the stars are doubtful that anyone would learn anything of consequence by studying the number of accidents among the bravissimo cavalry officers, and even if they did, credit would surely go to someone else.

The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

This letter is from Mrs Confluence:

Fernando is glad to have brought some happiness into the life of a poor widow, and the stars say that a visit to Brindisi cannot go wrong. The food! The drink! The friendly people, apart from Fernando's Aunt Peppita! The sun, the sea, who would not love Brindisi? If you are looking for something a little closer to home, the lace works in Sto Helit are nice at this time of year. The stars also say the riverboats on the Vieux (Masculine) River are relaxing, but they warn against playing any friendly games of Cripple Mister Onion unless you can outstare a gargoyle.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Assistant Postmaster Stanley Howler writes to Fernando:

Fernando does not need to be an astrologer to answer this question, but Fernando is very thorough and always takes his time to do things right, and so he has cast the horoscope to be sure. The stars say that this is a good month for cross-referencing stamp collections, but that it is an even better month for the romance, and that the young lady is interested in more than just the stamps, although she is perhaps interested in licking.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Fernando is a great lover of many things, and one of those things is the opera, so Fernando is very exited to receive a letter from the prima diva Christine from the Ankh-Morpork Opera House:

tiny

Fernando feels sympathy for Signorina Christine, for he too knows what it is like to give of your talents until it hurts. Fernando has not had a holiday for many weeks, for he has a duty to his readers.

Fernando is especially fond of this opera, especially the Wedding Aria: "Quem ha liberato i cani fuori? Abbaio! Abbaio!" Who can fail to be moved to tears by such beauty, nearly as much beauty as the diva herself? For the sake of the opera fans, Fernando is very pleased that the stars say that this is an excellent month for the diva to put her personal feelings aside and take the role.

The Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Fernando has received this letter from the perfectly respectable troll businessman Chrysoprase:

Fernando knows very well that many people wish to look like Fernando, with his thick black hair and red velvet jacket, so Fernando is not offended that even trolls sometimes try to imitate him. For as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and Fernando is sure they meant no offence.

The stars warn that business deals never last forever, but that they can last long enough if precautions are taken, like guarantees, promissory notes or hostages. I must admit that Fernando is a stranger to the world of finance, and so it is possible that he has misunderstood that last term.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

This letter is from Mr Nealey Dun, of the Shades.

Fernando is deeply moved by your family tragedy, and has studied hard the stars for this month, taking special care to interpret the interesting bloodstains on your letter, and Fernando can give good news and bad news. The bad news is that the stars do not say that you will succeed in your quest for compensation this month, but the good news is that justice will come some day, and that your Uncle, mayherestinpeace, will surely be getting everything he deserves in the afterlife.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

This letter is from Fernando's personal friend, the renowned Blackribboner artist the Baroness Evangelika Lugubria Arroganta Barbina Solfami von Fledermausen, who runs the eccellente art gallery in Broadway:

"Dear dahlink Fernando, how I haf missed you! It haf been weeks since you've come around with your fig leaf for a portrait! I hope you hafen't forgotten your Vicki for another artist, I vould be so jealous. I have many young men with figleafs to paint, but you will always be my favourite. But tell me dahlink, what do the stars say this month? Perhaps you could come over and give your Vicki a personal reading, ja?"
Forget you? Never! Fernando is a slave to his art, but Fernando has many arts, and he must work hard on the horoscopes as well as the fig leaf art. For now, Fernando will cast the ... public horoscope. The stars say that this is a good month for the exhibitions, and of course it is always a good month for a portrait of Fernando with fig leaf.

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Sometimes even the astrologers as magnificent as Fernando make the wrong predictions. This letter from Done It Duncan explains why:

Fernando wishes to set the record straight. Not everybody got food poisoning, it was only the bridal party and a few of the guests and the family of the bride and the groom's dad and sister and the priest and a passing dog.

Fernando has looked carefully at the stars, and the stars say that Mr Duncan has learned his lesson and will not repeat his mistakes. Fernando is very forgiving, and in good conscience he cannot find it in him to blame Mr Duncan or complain to the Watch.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Clog post 13 with Igors Are Discworld's Best Friends

THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

Post 13. BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG CITY

First Clog: "No aversion to verse..."

So, here I am in A-M still. Of sights I've not yet had my fill; the world beyond my windowsill is beckoning, and seeming to call me with its siren air, from Beggars' Gate to Sator Square with flash and dash and odours rare (the river's high and steaming). Though it's not quite a 'beauty spot', it's wither-proof and ages not - and nowhere else on Disc has got attractions so redeeming as the charm of ancient Ankh and Morpork, teeming...

Whew, that's enough of that. It's contagious, it is, speaking all in verse...even for a Bard, and I do it for a living! But this is somewhat different: you see, lately I've been hanging out with the Lost Tribe of Unreal.

Let me explain. The Lost Tribe of Unreal wear fancy frock coats. They're curious, odd and speak only in rhyme; descended from rats, cats, mice, dogs, pigs and goats, plus vermine and ferrets and one or two stoats, they've risen from rankness to manners sublime in Morpork Below, living outside of Ti-, argh, I'm doing it again. Um, let me rephrase that. The Lost Tribe of Unreal are very unusual people -- yes, definitely people -- who evolved from small animals that once foraged in the UU middens. We all know about high levels of millithaums around the University's Unreal Estate and what that can do to herrydeterryness (remember those stories about the talking dog that used to work for The Times?), and the ancestors of the Lost Tribe must have got a strong dose of something left over from the Mage Wars because it's hard to tell them apart from ordinary humans and werewolves. I first met them at the Floating Party when I overheard people speaking in verse. That sort of thing catches a Bard's ear. We got to talking, well, reciting, and drinking, and in the end I became one of the few humans who's ever been taken to visit their lair -- though when I say lair, I promise you that I've seen stately homes decorated with far less taste and artistry. It seems the Tribe got its humanising education from lurking around and under formal balls at the Patrician's Palace; for whatever reason, music and verse formed their language and fancy dress their tribal costume. Apparently they were living in peace (more civilised than we are!) for untold generations until very recently, when some excavations caused harmonics that breached the whatever-it-is between Morpork Below and A-M. These days, if you happen to be walking down Broad Way and see someone unusual-looking and dressed in pre-Century of the Fruitbat clothing, it could well be a Lost Tribe tourist "up above" for a bit of sightseeing.

Then again, it could be Nobby Nobbs on his way to folk-dancing practice.

Anyway, I've been having a great time with the Tribe, but that's not the only news in the life of Alice. As I mentioned in my last Clog, I now have a resident gig at the Seamstresses' Guild -- and in case you were wondering, no, it's not that sort of gig -- and it's going well. Listeria and I have been rehearsing, as we promised each other so long ago before the pirates and the flying carpets and the wilds of Klatch and the wilds of Tsort and the wilds of Agatea and the alternate universe (has it really been that long?), and we have some good harmonies worked out now. Cert moved into rooms at UU because we were keeping him up all hours with our practice...we haven't broken up as such, but life seems to be taking us down different paths now. Mine has a lot more beer in it...and I've been giving Anaglypta lute lessons and she's coming along well, so our once idle talk of putting a band together is less idle now. I even had the two of them join me for a guest spot the other night! We sang Brindisian Rhapsody and quite brought the house down. I introduced them as the Sisters of Invention and the name looks like it might stick. Now if I can only convince Mr Dibbler (yes, finally met him) that no, we don't want a manager. Very persistent, that man.

* * *

Last night I went to a new cocktail lounge called Wahoonie, I'm Home. It's one of those themed places that, in this case, features "genuine Ankh-Morpork historical decor", which means an enterprising entrepreneur went around collecting bits of architecture unearthed in the Undertaking and piled them together in a realistic imitation of a rubbish tip. Surprisingly, it works. There's something oddly charming about tables made of old statuary and pieces of roofing, a bar made of upside-down ancient horse troughs, benches welded from what were once the shining iron gates of some lord's grand estate...and yes, the loos are old night-soil buckets. Scrubbed, of course, although I imagine that after a few months you won't be able to tell the difference between old poo and new. It was Listeria's house-help Lucrezia, of all people, who found it; that girl has hidden depths. Wahoonie, I'm Home features specialist cocktails, themed as well: they range from the Sword of Tacticus, which features 250-year-old brandy and Quirmian champagne and costs a bloody fortune, to the Rule You Wholesale, which features week-old Bearhugger's brandy dregs and broccoli juice and can knock anyone but an experienced Lancrastian drinker for six. My favourite is the Barbarian at the Gate because it has genuine scumble in it. I noticed that Lucrezia was spiking her cocktails with something green and smoking out of a little phial she brought in her handbag. You won't be surprised to hear I took my own drink with me whenever I had to go to the Ladies...

I've changed my mind about A-M -- I like it here. A lot. I think I'll stay.

Here endeth this post.

* * *

Second Clog: "I've got a little secret..."

A-M calls itself the city that never sleeps, and it's certainly all go here. It's also said that A-M has something for everyone even if that something is, for many citizens and visitors alike, a short sharp knock on the head in a dark alley. One thing it has plenty of is society -- high society, low society, and secret society -- and since coming here I've sampled them all. Secret societies are all the rage these days, even though many of them are what you might call badly kept secrets. They come in all varieties and cater to all tastes, from the aforementioned folk-dancing clubs (in many ways the most secret of all, since being a member of a folk-dance club is the sort of dark secret one wouldn't want the neighbours to know about) to the like of Chains of Love (Tuesdays and Saturdays upstairs at the Pink Pussy Cat Club), the Brotherhood of Wishful Thinkers (alternate Octedays in a hut in the woods near the Tump; would-be barbarian ravagers, most of them henpecked accountants, who hatch plans for Disc-wide reigns of terror), and yes, the sorts of secret societies that tend to cowled black robes and complicated handshakes involving rolled-up trousers and the occasional burnt offering. A Bard can get into places most people can't, and this is how I came to join the Illuminated and Ancient Brethren of Ee -- not to be confused with the Elucidated Brethren of the Ebon Night, who eventually got past their chequered past and re-formed as a reformed society of doers of good works (or the Justified and Ancient Brethren of Ee Bah Gum, whose chapter-house is near my old family home back in Lancre and who practise the ancient and terrible Ramtops martial are of Tor Fu).

Actually, all they wanted was for me to write them a secret drinking song, but I had to join in order to deliver it to them because they practise ancient and terrible dark forbidden magic (funny, isn't it, how many secret societies claim to practise ancient and terrible things, most of which were invented by their founder on a not-ancient rainy Wednesday). So I went through their ancient and terrible initiation rites -- which I can't talk about because they're secret -- and sat through one of their meetings, which was certainly full of ancient figgins and terrible tea, and taught them their song -- which I can't write about here because it's secret. I also got my very own cowled robe (also ancient; I think it used to be a collection of grain sacks), and that was where it got terrible for me, because on the way home the cowl fell down over my eyes and I tripped over my own hem and ended up in the Lady Sybil Free Hospital with multiple fractures.

Hurrah for the Hospital! And hurrah for Igors! I shudder to think what it must have been like in the olde dayes, when something as simple as a fractured arm or leg could likely be a death sentence (especially if you were ministered to by ordinary human doctors). Before Doctor Lawn opened the LSFH the only Igors here were servants of mad scientists and madder scions of the nobility, but now most people can afford to be repaired by expatriate Igors in clean and pleasant surroundings. Doctor Lawn is technically still Chief of Surgery, but he's obviously a man of great sensibleness and vision, so he leaves the complicated work to his Uberwaldean staff. I was in and out faster than, shall we say, half of Mrs Palm's regular customers, and happy to pay for the service because I'm a Woman of Means these days. My fretting hand is now better, faster and stronger than it ever was before. And so I sing the praises of Igors, in the old traditional way:

* * *

The only thing is...the Igor who patched me up was a young, recent arrival, still homesick for the Old Country and delighted to see another Ramtopper. After I came to, we got to talking. And talking. And talking. He even dropped the lisp when none of the nurses were around. And the thing is...Llamedese Bards may be able to reduce even strangers to tears when they sing mournful songs about their rainy beloved country, but they have nothing on a homesick Igor waxing lyrical for the thunderstorms of his ancestral mountains and traditional cruel crazed Barons and undead Mathterth. It's had a huge effect on me. It's been over a week now, and all is well, but...but...

Lost Wages calls to me. I think I'll go home.

-- Alice

Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend can be found at http://tinyurl.com/6crkn2

July 2008

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico

Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, for she has been sent home with mice. But do not worry, for I am Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be satisfying all your astrological needs today.

When Fernando first came to the wonderful city of Ankh-Morpork, although Fernando is very well travelled, he was ignorant of the ways of the polite society in this city. (Do not scoff, my readers, for Ankh-Morpork does have polite society. And also less-polite society, and rude society, and the Shades. But we shall not go there.) Fernando remembers very well the time when he met a signoretta who was enormemente con el nino, as we say back in Brindisi. Fernando innocentally asked the signoretta when the bambino was due, and she replied "I'm not pregnant". Fernando was so embarrassed! He did not know where to stick his head, as they say.

How very fortunate for you that, with Fernando's help, you need not fear to be making these embarrassing social faux pas, if you pardon my Quirmian. For this month, the stars will warn you what embarrassing social mistakes you most need to avoid. Also, there is a very unusual alignment of the stars this month, so as well as the usual horoscopes, the stars are in surprising agreement, with a special warning for all peoples of Ankh-Morpork, whether troll or dwarf or human, visitor or citizen. Read on to see what this warning is. Ciao bella!

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Etiquette can be found in the strangest places. When taking part in one of the famous Mended Drum tavern brawls, the stars warn that if you expect to be invited back (and not taken out back and dumped in the Ankh in little pieces), you must remember the etiquette of tavern brawls. Do not reach for an edged weapon too quickly, but start off with chairs and tables. Use of poison arrows is discouraged, unless the poison has amusing effects like Bloat. Hitting the tavern owner or the Igor on hand is an unacceptable liberty. Remember these few simple social rules, and you can be sure that the Igor won't sew your leg back on backwards.

The stars this month also warn Hoggers not to laugh at the Patrician's jokes, as he doesn't make any.

The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

Munchers must be aware, like Hoggers, that Etiquette occurs in many unexpected places, like the childrens who play the traditional Ankh-Morpork game of dead rat conkers. There are many unwritten rules: it is cheating to stuff the dead rat with lead, overhead swings are considered rude, and many more. And like the bambinos, grande uomos should avoid the faux pas of bad sportsmanship. Cheating at cards, for instance, is considered terribly rude, not to mention foolish. So is kicking sand in your opponent's face on the sports pitch, especially in games of footsball as the accursed Quirmians do. Without good sportsmanship we are nothing - or Quirmian, which is even worse.

Another faux pas you should beware of this month is cutting in front of Assassins in waiting lines. With other people you need fear only looks that could kill. With the Assassins, deadly looks are only the least of your worries. Fernando says it is best to avoid cutting in front of any persons dressed all in black clothing; they could be witches, Dark Clerks, or even the Patrician himself, and none of these are any better than Assassins for your health and life expectancys.

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

This month, Hernians should be especially beware of eating bananas in a way likely to start a riot. This especially holds for signorettas, although Fernando knows very well that sometimes the young men and their bananas can cause mucho excitement.

Another faux pas Hernians should be aware of avoiding is the inappropriate use of nicknames. These are also known in Ankh-Morpork as pet names, and also by the uppity persons as sobriquets, but Fernando despises that word because it is Quirmian and it is bad enough that faux pas is also a Quirmian expression, so enough with the Quirmian, yes? Calling someone by an inappropriate nickname is very bad manners. For example, calling a famous opera singer like Enrico Basilica "Big Bazza" to his face, or addressing the Archchancellor of Unseen University as "Riddy-baby". And never, ever refer to Lady Ramkin as "your Posh Bintness". This is only appropriate coming from her husband the Duke.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Many frogs and newts have got their start in life as a wiseguy asking a wizard to show him a good card trick. This month, the stars warn Staffies that they should be particularly careful not to give in to the temptations and commit this grande faux pas.

Fernando does not believe in being rude to people for their race or species, except for the accursed Quirmians, but many people are less cosmopolitan than Fernando. If you are one of these people, the stars this month warn that some faux pas have the more serious consequences than others. Beware of using the words "lawn ornament" or "duck's bottom" to dwarfs, or the stars say that something very sharp will separate you from your legs.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

At this time of the year, many people's contract at the Thieves' Guild comes up for renewal. Fortunately for Bilians, this month the stars tell all about the etiquette for dealing with licenced thieves. For a street mugging, it is appropriate to tip 10% of the amount stolen, 15% if with assault and battery. Cut-purses and pick-pockets will expect 5%, and you can pay in stamps. For burglars, correct etiquette is to leave a convenient sack or box by your silverware. Fernando prefers to always leave out a small glass or two of Amaretto or Marsala, for that taste of Brindisi. Failure to remember these little things will lead to the thieves not only taking offence, but everything else as well.

Even if you have a magnificent tenor voice like Fernando, singing along at the opera is a faux pas. This especially is so if, as Bilians are known to do, you have partaken a little too much of the vino and begin singing a song about the coconuts instead.

The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

The stars warn Snippies this month against the Brindisian national hobby, second only to the footsball, namely the pinching of the signorettas on the sedere, how do you say it? The bottom. This warning goes double if the lady in question is a duchess, as Fernando's cousin Tomas found out last week.

The stars also say that Snippies should be careful of being too familiar with any dogs you might find at the Watch. Fernando does not understand this warning, as he often meets with Captain Carrot (a man almost as magnificent as Fernando himself) to discuss the Brindisi Cup, and he sometimes brings a truly magnificent golden-haired signorina wolfhound with him. Fernando has never had any problems from rubbing the lady dog's belly, although Nobby Nobbs falls over laughing and the Sergeant Colon goes as red as Fernando's Uncle Alfonso's red vino.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Boring'uns have a talent for memorising the details of long complicated lists, which is good, for this month the stars warn that your faux pas to beware of is from the rules of court. Does a marquis outrank an earl? Who should give way on a narrow bridge, a duke or a cavaleiro? The answers may surprise those not familiar with the intricate rules invented by nobles with no wars to go to. Even the stars are no guide, except to say beware! But do not fear my friends, for Fernando has spent many hours with Ankh-Morpork heralds, and has the answers:

A marquis outranks an earl, unless the earl is from Chimeria, in which case the ranks are reversed;

On a narrow bridge, the duke should give way, but in a doorway, it is the cavaleiro who must;

At dinner, the first slice of beef goes to the Patrician, who by tradition is supposed to fling it at his Fool's head (but alas, our current Patrician has let this fine tradition slip);

Any noble of rank viscount or higher is permitted to slip a small stone or pebble into the left shoe of the second son of a count on Wednesdays and Fridays;

and many others.

While Boring'uns are learning their courtly manners, the stars warn that they should not forget their table manners. Fernando remembers as a young boy being clipped across the ear by his Aunt Maria for making the gas at the dinner table. Boring'uns should learn this lesson well, and remember too that you should always ask others to pass the salt, and not use your wooden leg to hook it like Fernando's Uncle Salvatore.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

For Andies, the stars this month warn about an exceptional faux pas, perhaps the most serious of all: mutiny or rebellion. Fernando knows that there is never any excuse or rebellion against your liege lord -- unless you win.

In these cosmopolitan times, Andies may find themselfs hosting a dinner party where some of the guests are dwarfs. While dwarfs can happily eat human food, it is especially good manners to serve traditional dwarf fare like rat or dwarf-bread. The dwarf bread will come in very useful if the meal ends with the traditional after-dinner brawl. But remember that if you do choose to serve rat, it is the serious faux pas not to supply ketchup.

The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

For the Spooners, this is a month to be particularly careful of the faux pas related to beverages. Klatchian coffee should only be drunk from a tiny thimble-sized cup, unless you are tired of sanity; espresso should be drunk strong, hot, and sweet, like Fernando himself; and tea should be drunk from a cup, never from a saucer, although a tin mug is acceptable for Watchmen and on-duty soldiers. Hot cocoa is a drink for the bambinos, unless flavoured with a dash of rum.

This is also the month for Spooners to be particularly careful when dealing with witches. It is good manners to offer witches any old clothes you might still have, if they are well cleaned and mended. Black or the darker purples are best, although some of the younger witches who have read too many books may prefer green. Fernando knows that the witches are very touchy about their honorifics, so if you are unsure whether she is a Granny or Nanny or Mother, it is better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and be turned into a frog.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Hokians should especially be careful about telling jokes to professional joke-tellers, such as the members of the famous Fool's Guild. Many clowns are molto sensitive of the fact that despite the years of training and privation, they are not as funny as untrained civilians, so unless you find crying clowns funny, you should avoid trying to make them laugh. Beware also that some of the more senior Fools have no, how do you say, sense of humour. Some of them are so sensitive that simply starting a sentence with "I say..." or "Did you hear..." is enough to land you a pie in the face -- perhaps with a fist in it.

Supporting Quirm in the Brindisi Cup is a major faux pas for all peoples. Fernando has seen that this is so! This month, the stars say it is an especially serious mistake to make for Hokians. Fernando does not like to frighten his readers, but the stars themselves have cursed the Quirmian footsballers, and they warn that if you support Quirm, your legs are sure to be eaten by pineapples.

[Editor's note: Hokians should perhaps consider getting a second opinion on this particular prediction.]

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Gazundians should be careful not to make a faux pas when shaking hands. It is not done to shake hands with royalty or witches, because it is disrespectful, or Nobby Nobbs, because you might catch something. Ladies should offer their hand to be kissed, and a gentleman's handshake should not be limp like a dead fish. In some of the tougher streets, it is considered bad manners to whimper or cry when your hand is crushed.

The stars also warn against using the wrong cutlery at mealtimes. In Brindisi, it is considered good manners to use the same knife and fork through the entire meal, but Ankh-Morporkians prefer to use different cutlery for each course. But no matter what the rules for cutlery are, eating peas by stabbing them with a stiletto is only good manners if you can throw the knife across the room and hit a fly in the eye.

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Umbragians are known for their love of technomancy, especially machines that go Bingley Bingley Beep. This month, the stars warn that you should beware of talking too loudly to your Dis-organiser in public. Other people do not want to hear about your doctor's appointment to check out the funny little rash, or need to know that you're buying a dozen oysters from the fishmonger. Trust Fernando on this.

Another faux pas that Umbragians should beware of is the failure to buy a round when it is your turn. This is especially bad in Fourecksian pubs, where feigning sudden deafness when it is your turn to shout can often lead to sudden deathness.

All signs 21 Mar - 20 Mar

This month, the stars have something to say for all people in Ankh-Morpork, regardless of their sign or their social standing, whether knight or beggar, priest or assassin. The stars warn that there is one social faux pas you should beware of, one with the most serious consequences:

Do not use the M word to describe the Unseen University Librarian. The stars have spoken.

Monday, June 30, 2008

June 2008

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico

Hallo and buongiorno my great friends, for it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is unable to write the horoscopes this month, for she has caught a walrus. But do not fear, for Fernando is here to take on the mission of being your astrologer for today.

This month, the stars have much to say about missions and Causes. Fernando understands all about having a cause that gives you great passion, for Fernando is a very passionate man. When Fernando was a small boy in the short pants, he was passionate about the pressing of lizards. Sometimes he would spend hours in the long grass, looking for a Bearded Gecko or the Headless Iguanas, until Aunt Maria grabbed Fernando by the ear and yelled for him to pay attention. Fernando has now put these childish things behind him, but he is still molto passionate, and he still believes very much in the pressing, only not of lizards.

So this month, let Fernando and the stars guide you to the Causes you should follow. Ciao bella!

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

The stars this month say that the Cause to follow for Hoggers is the The Ronald Rust Society For The Introduction Of Slavery For People Without Knighthoods. Fernando, who does not have a knighthood, is very happy to see that the Society is finding it muy difficulto to attract members in Ankh-Morpork, especially after the Patrician sent his special clerks to take notes at a couple of meetings. But the stars have spoken, and Fernando must pass on their message, for that is Fernando's passion. One of his passions. He has many.

The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

Munchers, your Cause this month is to help the poor people of Klatch get access to the best of Ankh-Morpork medicine. Doctor Archibald Leech tells that the poor Klatchians have no tools for blood-letting, a shortage of goose-grease, and their doctors treat the illnesses with the mould from bread instead of balancing the humours. Fernando feels sympathy for them, and for Munchers who do too, this is your Cause.

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

For the Hernians, your Cause is the preservation of wildlife. Wildlife is important, and there are many ways that you can help preserve the wild animals. You can learn how to pickle, smoke and salt, and how to make jerky. There is also taxidermy, and you may even go to Djelibeybi to learn the ancient art of mummification. Hernians of a magical bent may learn spells to preserve animals by turning them into stone. Fernando is a passionate believer in the preservation of wild life, and also in the preservation of wildlife, so you do well to take this advice.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Staffies will find that the Cause that suits them best this month is the Campaign To Ban Detritus. Fernando has never had need to assist the Watch with their enquiries, but Fernando's cousin Tomas, who has a passion for looking into the ladies' bedrooms, has often been dragged by the ankles back to the Watch house by Detritus. Fernando has asked Signora Evelina Synonymous, the Spokesperson for the Campaign, to comment:

"It is high time the Patrician listens to the will of the people and does something about the menace of Commander Vimes' troll on the streets of Ankh-Morpork. Good law-abiding people fear being killed in their beds if this Detritus creature accidentally shoots his crossbow at the wrong house. Does there have to be a tragedy before Detritus is banned from the streets?"

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Bilians, your Cause for this month is the Blessed Brutha Save the Tortoise Fund. You don't need to be an Omnian to help save the tortoise from the depredations of the cruel eagles. The Tortoise Fund is always looking for volunteers to rescue the poor little tortoises which have been turned upside down, and to hunt the eagles. If going out into the wilderness is too dangerous for you, right here in Ankh-Morpork there is much work to be done to ban the cruel sports of tortoise-baiting and tortoise fighting, although Fernando understands that going out into the desert without food or water is safer than going into the Shades.

The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Fernando found confusing nodes in the stars for Snippies this month, so he has spoken to Mr Quentin Kindle, manager of the St Agatha bank, about the Cause. Mr Kindle kindly said,

"Thank you Mr Magnifico, and I must say you are looking more magnificent than ever today with your blue velvet trousers. My colleagues and I at the St Agatha Upon Walll bank, to give it our full name, that's Walll with three L's, thank you, believe that the time is ripe for Ankh-Morpork to reject the Patrician's experiment with the golem standard for monetary policy and return to the oldest and most trustworthy basis for money, the cockleshell standard. Our bank has invested thousands of dollars buying up shoreland all around Ankh-Morpork, and have been stockpiling cockleshells for the inevitable time when the golems stop working and the gold runs out, something we're sure will happen very soon now."

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Fernando knows that Boring'uns are far too boring to have Causes, and the stars agree: they are almost completely silent this month. Almost silent, but not quite, for the most tiny, feeble star in the constellation alone gives Fernando a single word to pass on to Boring'uns: "cabbage". Whisper it quietly, caras mias.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Andies are known for their double-nature and grande contrasting personalities, and this month the stars give Andies a Cause that they can get into in two ways. For your Cause is alcoholic beverages. Whether you are against them, like MADAM, Mothers Against Drink And Merriment, or for them, like the Fancies, who are named from their motto, "a leetle bit of what you fancy does you good", this month you have a Cause you can really get into.

The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
(formerly the Great T'Phon's Foot)

Fernando cares greatly for the bambinos and the small childrens, and who does not? But sometimes the childrens are their own worse enemy, when they are running wild and not listening to their Mammas and Pappas, like Fernando's nephew Carlito who is always making the mischief in his own way. For Spooners this month, your Cause is to help protect the childrens, and Fernando knows of no better way to save the childrens from themselves than by supporting the King Lorenzo the Kind Memorial Home For Naughty Boys and Girls.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Fernando knows that every creature has its part to play in the great web of life; for is it not true that not a sparrow can fall without the Gods betting on whether or not it will hit somebody? And who are we to interfere with the games of the Gods by letting an entire species to become extinct? The Gods would not like this, and you would not like the Gods when they are angry, you might end of sleeping with the whelks. For Hokians, your Cause this month is to save the furry rug slug from extinction. This rare and beautiful creature, part snake, part mammal and known for dropping its legs off at the first sign of danger, is very dear to Fernando's heart. Furry rug slugs deserve to be saved, even if their pelts do make lovely hats. And if they cannot be saved, at the very least Fernando suggests that you get a Hernian friend to preserve one.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Gazundians, this month the Cause your stars have chosen for you is the famous Campaign to Clean Up Gnolls. Better than any words Fernando could tell you about this are the words of the fearsome signora Contessa von Schutzenfutz, who says,

"It is a disgrace that the Patrician allows these smelly dirty gnolls into the city without so much as a bath. And what do they do with all that garbage they collect, I ask you, hmmm? At the very least, they should be washed and their hair combed. And they're hatless, I say, hatless. They don't wear hats! You can't tell me that's not wrong."

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Fernando knows very much that without respect, you have nothing. Fernando remembers very well that his Aunt Peppita was being disrespected by her paesano Bruno, and she put the evil eye on him until he changed his disrespectful ways, and the very next day he got drunk on Uncle Rafael's grappa and fell down in the pig sty and the sow sat on him. Again. So respect, it is important, except for the stinking cheese-eating Quirmians and their cheating footsballers, and Fernando feels sympathy for the Ankh-Morpork conjurers when they are given no respect by the wizards. Umbragians, this is your Cause: to work for the wizardry reform and equal consideration for conjurers. But do it with respect, for those stregazza wizards can turn you into a frog.

Clog post 12 with Ankh-Life and Morpork Holiday

THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

Post 12. THE LAND OF BILK AND WAHOONIE

First Clog: "Nine out of ten ain't bad..."

Well...actually, it is.

I've been here for weeks and have hardly seen any of Ankh-Morpork's famous attractions and better-known local colour. And it's not for want of trying. Now that tourism has become popular, or at least has become, there's an old traditional saying about how whatever place or person or local attraction you've come to see will be unseeable nine times out of ten. And in my case, I keep getting all nine times! Here is a list of some of my nine-timeses -- things not seen and Unseen:

Tower of Art; closed for yearly exorcism and raven discipline

Dwarf Bread Museum; closed for seasonal battle bun maintenance

CMOT Dibbler; out of town "on business"

The Golem Trust; closed to the public due to financial issues -- the issues being that Golems are now finance

Pork Futures Warehouse; temporarily closed due to temporal instability

UU Unreal Estate; closed because, apparently, no one can find it at the moment!

The Dysk; closed for renovations

Biers; closed for de-renovations

Mrs Cake's boarding house; no vacancies, no inspections, no reason given

Sunshine Sanctuary for Lost Dragons; closed to visitors when I got there because they were de-coking the pens, but as I was leaving I got a glimpse of a tall, auburn-haired lady who I'm sure was Lady Ramkin herself. I have to say she's much better-looking than people describe her as being. Also, she had a little boy with her, and he was wearing the cutest miniature set of dragon-handling armour!

Patrician's Palace; there's supposed to be a twice-weekly tour of parts of the Palace including the Oblong Office, but all I could find was a bored, surly guard who didn't know anything about Palace tours, and a big sign that read NO ICONOGRAPHS. FOR SECURITY REASONS. BY ORDER OF THE PATRICIAN. I was told not to ask about it, "because a spell in the dungeons may offend."

Some of what I have seen, though, includes:

Goodmountain's Wee-Print; this is the print works that does The Times, and it's absolutely huge! They gave me a good rate on promotional iconographs, too.

The Post Office; gorgeous! It's been restored to its legendary splendour, all gleaming and glowing and crystal-chandeliered. It's also the main Clacks depot now. I had to go there to post some messages on a promise I made to Twoflower, and I also bought some Lancre commemorative stamps that smell enough like real scumble to make me homesick (couldn't really be scumble, of course, or the glue would have dissolved), but I ended up spending hours and hours just watching the Dance of the Queues and the glow of all that lovely polished wood, and marvelling at the way all the hustle-bustle of A-M can't be heard even in such a busy place. Excellent.

The Tump; very big, with lots of old ruins. Gives a good feel of how old A-M really is, more than any other place here. Any other place on the surface, at least...

Woo Hon Ling's Exotica and Martial Arts; Listeria sent me. No, really. It was...educational. Good leatherwear, too.

The Lady Sybil Free Hospital; also on behalf of Listeria. It's probably got the largest Igor population outside of Uberwald. It's also probably the cleanest building in A-M. Very impressive.

Various bridges, including the Disc-famous Brass Bridge, which no-one's stolen yet, and the Misbegot Bridge, which has so many houses on it that it's a wonder it doesn't collapse into the Ankh. Not that it would sink!

Dragon's Landing; this is the new commercial precinct. It's still being developed, or redeveloped, but already many shops and stalls are open for business. They say Dragon's Landing will overtake Sator Square as the main shopping district, but it's further out from city centre and even though the area isn't fully open, the cart jams were dreadful! We got out and walked. Otherwise we might still be there.

The Seamstresses' Guild; well, of course! And it's everything I imagined it would be. Mrs Palm wasn't there, though, because she's on holiday in Sto Lat, but I did get a gig.

The Mended Drum; for the beer. Also for the beer. See below.

I haven't seen hide nor hair of His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes or any of the more famous Watchmen, so I must be living on the right side of the Law. But near Pseudopolis Yard I did see a small man being, um, escorted by two large Watchmen, all the while shouting and whimpering about how he'd stolen the Patrician's Device and sold a dozen missing Golems and tipped noxious chemicals in the Ankh (how could they tell?), so I imagine that must have been Done It Duncan. Oh, and I think I saw Gimlet one night when I went to Yo Rat! for a takeaway, and I've definitely seen a few little yellow men in orange robes, sweeping the streets here and there in unlikely places. Or maybe it's the same little yellow man. I guess one takes one's celebrities where one can find them...

We've been staying at Listeria's, as she promised we could. She has a charming little house in Silver Street, not far from the Seamstresses' Guildhouse, where she lives with her niece Anaglypta and the "trustworthy young lady" whose name is Lucrezia and who hardly says a word but is always there at my elbow when I think I need something; she's quite normal-looking, even pretty in a quiet way, but I swear she has some Igor in her herrydeterryry. They're all lovely people, but I'm still sticking to my policy of not taking tea or meals there, so I've sampled a fair amount of the local cuisine including Harga's famous ribs and fake Klatchian curry from the Klatchian takeaway and less fake Klatchian curry from the Curry Gardens. I've even had smoked rat au jus, and a knuckle sandwich! And Slumpie and Distressed Pudding and other A-M dishes, which taste somewhat different from the ones we had at Twoflower's Barbarian Luck Restaurant..."different" being "awful, by comparison", but at least it's authentic and not poisonous, for a certain value of poisonous.

One of the reasons A-M is even more disrupted than usual is what's known here as The Undertaking, which is some sort of municipal modernising project. Everywhere I go, things are being dug up or torn down or scaffolded or fenced off or signposted; there are roving teams of student wizards, checking for dangerous uncovered pockets of raw magic. And roving teams of archaeologists, checking for interesting middens (how can they tell?). And roving teams of Beggars, tramps and Thieves, checking the gawping distracted crowds for money and other valuables. Not to mention the roving teams of easily-spotted plainclothes Watchmen and roving teams of Watchmen in uniform and roving teams of Times reporters taking notes and speaking to Beings in the Street. The locals love it all, because it gives them something new and exciting to complain about. I want to come back here in, say, ten years or so; I suspect that many things will have changed beyond recognition, to judge from all the modernisation going on now!

Ankh -- the name itself -- amuses me. Funny, isn't it, how the same name applies to the foulest river in creation and also to the poshest part of A-M. It's inspired me to write a song. I call it:

ANKH-LIFE

I sang this in the Mended Drum. And then there was beer. Lots of
beer.

And then there was more beer.

Here endeth this post.

* * *

Second Clog: "Over, under, sideways, and especially, down..."

All in all, A-M has been a bit of a disappointment so far. But there are compensations, see, because I was taken to Morpork Below.

Morpork Below is never where you expect it to be; in fact, it can't be found at all unless it wants you to find it. Some people say it was created during excavations for the Undertaking; some say it was awakened when accidentally uncovered; some say it's been there all the time, and most people say it's not actually there at all. I suspect all of them are right. You see, not everyone can find Morpork Below; you have to be a little bit, well, different to see and be seen by the other Morpork.

Luckily, I was. Am. It's said that Bards and others of artistic persuasions live with one foot in the Netherworld and one foot on Cori Celesti (this is, naturally, one of those mettyfors, because I shudder to think how uncomfortable I'd be if it were literal!), and that's as may be; all I know is that, weaving my way home from the Drum one night, I came across a scruffy injured dwarf in an alleyway and bought him a hot rat and then took him home to fix up his wounds. He told me that his name was Portal and that he had to "go back down, or all is lost." Of course he had to go back down, I said, because dwarfs are underground dwellers, and what kind of name for a dwarf was Portal anyhow? But he'd asked for help and I was intrigued because his armour looked like no dwarf armour I'd ever seen, and even though he said I had to help him stop a war I followed him back to the edge of the Shades. Where he promptly disappeared. Leaving me alone in the Shades...but then I suddenly saw a entranceway that hadn't been there a minute ago, all glowing with a sort of eldritch light (oblong, too, as it happens), so I abandoned caution to the winds -- which are very smelly winds in this part of town -- and went in. And found a whole other world!

There's this amazing palace, much larger than the Patrician's one, that goes on and on and is all huge old columns and arches and ceilings almost too high to see. And an aqueduct with actual water in it! -- that's how I knew we weren't in any A-M of the here and now. Everything looks old in an oddly new way, and everywhere there's that weird light, like vurm-light only brighter. And the Floating Party, which certainly was a party and then some, and sometimes floated (I know I did). I saw species that have supposedly been extinct for centuries, and fashions that definitely have been. It all felt like a dream, even the scary parts, and the war which I did apparently help stop though I've no idea how or why. I spent weeks down there but when I returned to Morpork Above it was on the same morning as when I left. I'd say it was a dream, only there's an amulet that Portal gave me. And a toga. How odd.

Meanwhile, life in the real - or unreal - Morpork is...um...colourful. Yes. Colourful. I wrote a song about that, too:

MORPORK HOLIDAY

* * *

I sang that in the Drum. And then there was beer.

* * *

Cert is spending more and more time at the University. We hardly see each other these days.

* * *

Come to think of it, I don't mind. I'm having a great time.

* * *

I've been offered a permanent, resident Bard-ing gig at the Seamstresses' Guild. Hmm.

* * *

That's all I have time for now. There's a party on, down in the Shades, and I've been invited. It might even be...floating.

-- Alice

Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Dreadlock Holiday can be found at:
http://www.lyricsdomain.com/27/10cc/dreadlock_holiday.html

...and the original lyrics for Parklife can be found at:
http://www.actionext.com/names_b/blur_lyrics/parklife.html

It's worth noting that, as is often the case on the anternet, there are inconsistencies in, um, translation. One person's mondegreen is everyone else's copy-paste, it seems...also, a special note for those unfamiliar with the original Blur song -- in the first line, the word 'habitual' was pronounced as 'bit-chal', so Alice's lyric fits the length of that pronunciation...

Saturday, May 31, 2008

We Are Morporkians

WEIRD ALICE: A LIFE IN ANTHEMS

We have received a clacks to the effect that Weird Alice is far too busy in Ankh-Morpork to update her Clacks Log at the moment. However, she sent us a song that -- she says -- is all the rage there right now. So gather at your nearest stadium, get your air guitars ready, and get your candles out...

WE ARE MORPORKIANS

-- Alice

Note for Roundworlders: in case there's someone, living on a mountaintop somewhere, who doesn't actually know the words to Queen's We Are the Champions, original lyrics can be found at:

http://www.queenwords.com/lyrics/songs/sng11_17.shtml

May 2008

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico

Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, because she has sprained her pinafore when oiling her orrery. But do not be afraid, for Fernando is here to shoulder the great burden of being your astrologer for today. And such a burden it is, for the people of Ankh-Morpork have taken Fernando to their bosoms, and he has been in much demand to provide private services for his readers. The personal horoscopes Fernando writes are the most very excellent, as these testimonials say to me:

Last month, two of the heavenly star signs changed, and this month, there is one more change to happen. Fernando will tell you more about this, but first, Fernando is very excited to tell you that this month the stars all speak about clothing! Fernando knows that clothing is very important, and that the cut of a lady's fichu or a man's bodkin says more about them than mille dolce paroli, or "a thousand words" as they say here in Ankh-Morpork. And so, Fernando has asked the stars to guide him on this molto importante subject, so that he may guide you, my readers, in your fashion choices. Look to the stars, and look to your wardrobes, and the rest will take care of itself as Fernando takes care of his beloved velvet pantaloons. Ciao bella!

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

For Hoggers, your item of clothing is the pantaloon. In these exciting modern times, some ladies are experimenting with the wearing of pantaloons, but Fernando prefers the mystery of skirts, for who knows what they might hide from the eyes of the easily excited? Ladies, if you must wear the pantaloons, choose the vast flowing ones of the Aurient, and still you will be mysterious. Gentlemens Hoggers may choose from a wide range of fabrics, from the fine silk of Agatea to the so sturdy broadcloth of Zlobenia. For those special occasions for both mens and ladies, the Street of Cunning Artificers offers a range of interesting leather and rubber pantaloons. Fernando approves of this.

The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
(formerly Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips)

This is a good month for Munchers to let their fantastical side free, for the stars say that you should put tastefulness aside and wear the brash, colourful clothes instead. Fernando can suggest casual travel shirts from Bes Pelargic, gold suits like the one worn by the Postmaster General, or for the ladies, pink lace skirts decorated with embroidered smiling cats. Which reminds Fernando, sometime he must tell you about his young-manful experiences as a cat herder on the high desert plains of Brindisi. Such fierce pussies Fernando has never seen before or since, caramba!

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

Hernians should wear the useful working-class undershirt of XXXX, the singlet, sometimes known as "dwarf-beaters" from their popularness among certain troll gangs. Fernando does not wear the singlet because it would hide his magnificent collection of medallions, but he understands from his cousins that there is nothing more attractive to the senoritas than a manly man wearing a singlet. Although when Fernando asked his sister Rosita about this, she only laughed.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

This month, Staffies must investigate the wonderful world of footwear. Shoes, sandals, the dhing-dhongs of Bhangbhangduc, the boots of kinky, the boots that are made for walking, even the Disc-famous glass slippers of Genua. The wealthy among you should investigate the bellissima shoes of Brindisian bootmaker Manunu Blanchi; he is bootmaker to the stars, so let the stars choose your bootmaker. Seven league boots are also risky. Fernando tried them once, and had to wait weeks before he could properly admire the ladies again.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

If you are a Bilian, this month your item of clothing is the skirt. Gentlemen Bilians may prefer to wear the traditional Feegle man-skirt, the kilt as it is called. Ladies of an adventurous nature, and Fernando loves the ladies of adventurous nature, might try the new fashion craze from couturier Minnie of Chirm, known as the Minnie skirt; but only on days when it is not too windy. Lady Golems should wear gingham, and man Golems should wear the man-skirt of the BeTrobi Islands, because sometimes sarong is so right. Fernando must warn you though, the best skirts for the Bilians are those that resist stains and are easily washed.

The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
(formerly Mubbo the Hyena)

Snippies, your clothing feature this month is coats. They say you can tell a person's true quality by the quality of their coat, and the stars agree that They are right. Choose your coat carefully: it should be a thing of great beauty, like Fernando, and also hard-wearing and long-lasting, like Fernando. A good coat, like a good pair of hundred-dollar boots, can last a lifetime, or at least until the capricciosos of fashion say that it is fashionable once again. Fernando once bought his sainted Auntie Maria a full-length coat made of vermine, at great expense naturally. It was far too warm for the lovely Brindisian weather, but she wore it everywhere, and Fernando can tell you that coat earned him a lot of free gnocchi.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

This month, the clothing for Boring'uns will be socks. Socks are very important clothing, as they keep your toes warm in the cold, and in the summer, they stop your feet from being sunburnt when you wear sandals. And with the mere addition of a half-brick, your sock can become a fearsome weapon capable of leaving buildings standing -- not that any Boring'un would be interested in that.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

This is a good time for Andies to let their double nature run free, for they have two things this month: the most, and the least, practical clothing materials -- leather and lace. As any dwarf can tell you, leather is hard-wearing, practical, and favoured not only in the mines but no less by many of the young gentlemens who frequent The Leopard's Shorts Club (right across the street from the Pink Pussy Cat Club). Lace is very much the opposite, demure and saintly, except when worn by the senoritas of Brindisi. Oh, the flutter of a lace hanky! It can be a promise of paradise, as Fernando knows. Modern peoples of Morpork, especially the younger ones, can try a combination of leather and lace. Fernando's grandmamma Angelina would not approve, but she is ninety-three and has worn nothing but widow's black for as long as Fernando can remember.

The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
(formerly Great T'Phon's Foot)

This month, Footies will cease to be under the influence of Great T'Phon's Foot, and come under the influence of the Greater Spoon and the Lesser Spoon, also know known as the Spoons. As a Spooner, you will be under the influence of the Goddess Anoia, so Fernando recommends you rattle your drawers regularly.

Fernando is amused that the item of clothing for Spooners this month is, the drawers! So do not be shamed to be caught outside in your underwear, for this month the very stars say that it is, as the Morporkers say, hokay. And if you do, you may even find somebody to rattle your drawers for you.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

For Hokians from Uberwald who feel the pang of the home sickness, the stars are kind this month as your item of clothing is the famous lederhosen of Uberwald: you can feel back at home with the short leather breeches chaffing your legs; while the other Hokians can just feel foolish. Or you can also considering the famous shorts of EcksEcksEcksEcks. But Fernando assures you, under no circumstances must you wear the footsball shorts of the Quirmians, may their cheeses turn to horrible green runny things and poison them in their girly Quirmish beds.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

If you are a Gazundian, this month the stars say that hats are your item of clothing. Fernando does not like to confine his magnificently flowing hair under a hat, but many people do like hats. And not just wizards and witches either. Hats are important for bankers, postmen, and anyone who wishes to join a secret society. Whether you choose a vast flowered hat like the ones my colleague the lovely Signora Cake wears, a sparkling top hat, a horned battle helmet, a charming cloche, a cheeky pork pie hat, a firm and manly fedora, or even the hated beret of despicable Quirm, your hat will say much about you to the world. Though in the case of the horned battle helmet, what it says is that you had best be able to fight, because nothing says "I am looking for trouble" quite like a horned battle helmet.

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Umbragians, your clothing of the month is the veil. For the ladies, you can look mysterious and exotic, like you are still wearing part of your wedding dress. And for the gentlesmen, you too can disguise yourself as a harem girl and break into a Klatchian palace like the great barbarian heroes of old. The most exciting thing about a veil is this: at some time, it will be taken off. Fernando has seen men follow a veiled lady across entire continents hoping for a glimpse of what lies beneath it. Sadly, in the case of many Tsorteans, Ephebians and even, to Fernando's shame, Brindisians, what it often hides is a moustache. But the Disc is a large place and holds peoples of all sorts of opinions and tastes, so for some, the moustache is not a problem.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

April 2008

THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico

Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month, because a swarm of bees have moved into her hair. But do not worry, for I will be your astrologer today.

Last month, I announced that the star signs will be changing! The next few months will be exciting times. The times, they are always exciting for Fernando, but now they will be exciting for everybody else as well. Fernando will tell you more about that later, but first, Fernando is very excited that he has received a letter from one of his readers. Fernando is used to people coming up to him in the street to ask him questions (often that question is "Hey mister, can you spare a few pennies?" or "Are you interested in learning the good news about Om?") but this is his first letter from a reader.

Mrs W. from Unseen University writes:

Fernando believes that it is his duty to always look magnificent for the ladies and the gentlemen who look at him. Fortunately, this is not difficult for Fernando! But even so, it takes Fernando many hours every day to look as good as he does, and many many men are not willing to put in that much hard work. But Fernando will teach you a secret that was taught to him by his dear older sister Rosita. "Fernando," she said, "if you want a man to pay more attention to himself, start by complimenting him on whatever you want them to fix." (But of course she said that in Brindisian, in which it sounds much more beautiful, like Rosita herself). So if you want your employers to groom their beards, or at least remove the crumbs and food scraps from them, you should compliment them on what manly, thick beards they have, and how magnificent they would look with the occasional combing. Fernando does not grow his beard, but he brushes his hair twice a day, to remove the knots and also the small biting animals that Ankh-Morpork has in such abundance.

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

If you are a Hogger, the stars say that this is a good month for building an Empire. Fernando is a man of peace, but he remembers sitting at his grandfather's knees and listing to the stirring tales of ancient Brindisi, when men like the Emperor Julius Aurelius Ramone Cannelloni III carved out an empire reaching to the mountains of Uberwald and the famous ports of Ghat. If you too have an army of ten million men, you can also conquer the surrounding cities and tribes and become Emperor. Just don't let the Patrician find out about your plans.

The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
(formerly Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips)

This is the first of the signs which are changing this month. Those of you formerly known as Gahooligans will find the next few weeks will be a time of change as you leave the influence of Gahoolie while coming under the influence of the Half-Eaten Sandwich. How fortunate for you Munchers, as you are now known, that this month both signs agree in their influence: Cobblers! For the first half of the month, the stars favour a career as a cobbler, shoe-maker or booterer. This is good news for Munchers who are already shoe-makers, like Fernando's uncle Giovanni, but for those who aren't, just wait and towards the end of the month the Half-Eaten Sandwich's influence will take over and you will find yourself having cravings for cobblers: apple cobblers, peach cobblers, and if you are a lady who is making the little bambinos, bacon and Wahoonie cobblers.

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

For Hernians, the stars reveal this month that it is a good time to further your education. Perhaps you would like to learn another language, like Fernando whose tongue is very talented and speaks many languages fluently? Or you wish to learn the natural philosophy? When Fernando was a young man, still innocent to the ways of the world, he would go on long walks through the countryside with Sophia the baker's daughter, and we would pick flowers and study the birds and the bees and the natural philosophy. Or perhaps you want to study the stars at the feet of the Lady Asterisk, as Fernando has done? Or even become the expert on heraldry, and help the Dragon King of Arms with his project to rebuild the city's records after the fire some years ago. All these things you can do this month. The stars have spoken!

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

For Staffies, this month the stars predict the crash of bricks, clouds of cement dust and the squelch of mortar being slapped with a trowel: this is a good month for bricklayers. For the next few weeks, the stars say you should not fear dropping a load of bricks on your foot, or having a bag of cement burst next to you, or having your apprentice drop your lunch into the mortar, or the mortar into your lunch. Carry your hod with pride, for the stars smile upon you.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

This month, the stars say that this is a good time for those born under Bilious to become a henchman or henchwoman. There is no shortage of Dark Lords, crime bosses, mad doctors who can't get the Igor, fanatical priests and mothers of would-be prima ballerinas who need a henchman or ten to do their dirty work. Somebody has to do it, and no self-respecting Dark Lord would be caught dead dragging the Hero to a horrible death in his dungeons himself if he can afford to have a minion do so.

(If you are looking for a boss, Fernando knows a man who knows a man who knows a dwarf who knows a man who can put you in touch with the barber who cuts the hair of the brother of the capo of the Purple Hand society.)

The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
(formerly Mubbo the Hyena)

The Parsnip has returned! Long ago, deep in the mists of time [it was actually a little more than four years ago -- Ed.], the Celestial Parsnip ruled the horoscopes of those who today are under the sign of Hoki the Jokester. But Great A'Tuin moves, and the Parsnip gave way as Hoki the Jokester moved into its place. Great A'Tuin continues to swim through the icy depths of space, and the Parsnip has come back into position -- but four signs earlier in the year, ruling over those who used to be ruled by Mubbo. Confused? Do not fear, for Fernando has checked his sums, and if you were a Mubboon, now you are a Snippy!

(Fernando sneers at Roundworld astrologers, who pay no attention to the change of position of the stars as their world moves. Fernando does not approve of such sloppiness, and is sure that no good will come from it.)

The parsnip is a humorous vegetable, the punchline of many jokes which Fernando is much too polite to repeat, and many a quiet bachelor or spinster has been known to purchase more parsnips than any stew-for-one could possibly contain. As a Snippy, formerly a Mubboon, you may find unfamiliar thoughts and feelings, and may entertain certain private speculations about parsnips and perhaps even other root vegetables. Do not be concerned! Fernando can tell you, these thoughts and feelings are only natural, especially in Spring, for the Celestial Parsnip rules the glands, especially the glands concerned with the romance.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Last month, the stars were cruel to Boring'uns, and predicted the exciting career as a technomage. If you have managed to avoid being transported into the Dungeon Dimensions or the Wrong Trousers of Time, Fernando has good news for you! For the stars this month are kind and considerate, like Fernando himself, and favour a career as junior clerk, third grade, where the most exciting thing that you can expect is to catalogue the catalogues. And if the Lady smiles upon you, you can look forward to many years of being overlooked for promotions.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Fernando is saddened that many people can never be more than a pale shadow of his magnificence. Fernando, as well as being humble, is compassionate towards those who suffer under the burden of not being Fernando. This month, Fernando also feels compassion for Andies, for the stars will not be kind. Andies can expect a month of stubbed toes, spilt milk, sausages-inna-bun from Mr C.M.O.T. Dibbler, Feegles in the drinks cabinet, and visits from Omnians bearing pamphlets. But do not worry, for this too shall come to pass, and you can comfort yourself with the thought that at this difficult time Fernando sends his sympathy.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Do you want to live an exciting life beyond city and the law, living by your wits, with every man's hand turned against you? Then you are very fortunate, for this month the stars recommend that Footies like yourself take on the exciting and dangerous, but very rewarding, career of chicken rustling. Out on the Octarine Grass Country, chicken-farmers from Quirm and Pseudopolis raise vast herds of Old Morporkian Bantams, Brindisian Leghorns, Klatchian Game Fowl and Burpingtons. Fernando feels sorry for the Pseudopolitans, but the Quirmians and their cheating footsballers do not deserve chickens.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Hokians are known for their mischievous sense of humour, and the stars say that this month will be a good time to let your imagination run wild with the practical jokes, japes and gags. But Fernando must warn you: there are many people who do not appreciate the Ankh-Morporkian idea of a good joke, like the burning bag of dog-doings on the front step, putting salt in the sugar jar, stink bombs, or gluing a cat inside somebody's hat. So be imaginative, be safe, and especially be far away when you are found out.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Every day Fernando gets many letters from kind Morporkian business men telling him that he can make money fast. Fernando is very grateful for their offers, but Fernando's needs are simple and he is already making enough to pay the bills, and a little extra to send home to Mamma, may the Gods smile upon her. But for Gazundians, this month the stars say that you too can make money fast, as much as you want, for the stars recommend you take up a career as a banker. All you need is a charter from the Patrician, a large expensive building made of marble, and a top hat, and you too can have a licence to make as much money as you want.

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Fernando wishes to make love, not war, but Fernando is also a realist and knows that there is always a war or revolution happening somewhere. This month, war is good news for Umbragians, because the stars say you should take up arms dealing. Igors may also sell legs. If you are especially keen, you should consider travelling to faraway lands and whipping up some new business. Just stay out of Brindisi.

A NOTE FROM FERNANDO:

Next month: one more sign will change! But do not fear, for Fernando will guide you through these tumultuous times! Ciao bella!

The Turnwise Almanack

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