Wednesday, June 30, 2004

June 2004

    Lady Asterisk reports that she has had to take on the duties of WOSSNAME Astrologer again this month, since last month's "special guests" were rather expensive :-), whatever that means.

    Here is her advance forecast for July 2004 on Roundworld.
    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Fruit: Pineapple

How appropriate that the spiky and dangerous pineapple should be the astro-illogical fruit of the spiky and dangerous Adamant Hedgehog! Those of you born under the 'Hog tend to short tempers. Bad news if you're also a dwarf with a penchant for wearing shorts: no way will you be able to avoid also being nasty and brutish. For all other 'Hogs at the loftier reaches of the Campaign For Equal Heights membership roster, take care to keep a smile on your face for as long as you can, and remember to count to ten when your temper is about to flare (for trolls, count to Many). A soothing bath in scented herbal oils can help overstressed 'Hogs, as can a cup of scented herbal tea. Better yet, one of Nanny Ogg's herbal health drinks (mostly apples) will keep you smiling like a monk. Your lucky colour is flesh pink, and your lucky number is 22.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Fruit: Orange

The juicy, invigorating fruit of the orange tree shares its qualities with your typical Gahooligan, who is fresh, zesty, pithy and often rather sour. Gahooligans tend to be thick-skinned and do not bruise easily, so they make good schoolteachers, priests, slave
traders, civil servants and debt collectors. Those of you born on the cusp of Hoki will find this a good month for consolidating money matters, especially someone else's. A stranger may ask you for alms; treat him as you normally would, though perhaps you should take a slightly gentler attitude towards his kneecaps. Attend a concert of carols or a Morris dancing demonstration on the 13th, where you can practise being nonjudgmental. Your lucky colour is puce - ha ha, bet you thought it would be orange - and your lucky number is 4 1/2.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

Fruit: Strawberry

The Twosie fruit is the lovely strawberry. So plump and florid, so soft and easygoing, so reminiscent of mouthwatering desserts after vast hearty dinners in the UU dining hall. What a
magnificent, marvellous, magisterial fruit for the monstrously magical membership of this masterful sign - I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Ahem. Those born under the Two Fat Cousins
have a tendency to sensitive skin; if you live in XXXX where it's currently winter, be sure to wrap up well and moisturise to protect that tender integument. For Llamedosian Twosies, now frolicking among the henges and menhirs in the bloom of summer, do wear sunscreen so you won't end up looking like your astral fruit. Oh wait, there's never enough sunshine in Llamedos for any danger of that! Your lucky colour is burnt umber, and your lucky number is 14.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Fruit: Aubergine

So you thought the aubergine was a vegetable? Well, think again! The aubergine, also known to Fourecksians and some Howondaland tribes as the eggplant, is indeed a fruit, and a tasty one too. Its name derives from the Genuan "auberge" meaning inn, so the Staff is a good sign for those who dream of being innkeepers. It's also a good sign for soldiers (a relief to hear if you happen to
be a Borogravian innkeeper's daughter with designs on a military career). And we already know that Staffies love their food, so it's worth noting that the aubergine can be used in a variety of
healthful dishes and has very few of those pesky joule thingies so long as you don't smother it in olive oil and cheese like the Brindisians do. This month, be especially kind to cooks. Your lucky
colour is octarine, and your lucky number is 11.3165.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Fruit: Grape

Of course your fruit is the grape, what else could it be? I suppose if there's a fruit with special emetic properties - no, we'll stick with the grape. A noble fruit, ultimate source of all hangovers since the dawn of alcoholism. A fruit of many varieties, and delicious when dried. But the grape is not a fruit to be taken lightly, and neither should you be. This is a good time for Bilians to work on their assertiveness training, especially if you want to be ready to stand
up to personal challenges coming your way in the third week of the month. Don't let those brassy neighbours push you around! You could be the owner of your own winery if you learn to seize the day. Or the bottle. Consider investing in reannuals this month. Your lucky colour is burgundy, and your lucky number is 12 per cent.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Fruit: Pumpkin

Born under Mubbo? You did not choose the pumpkin, the pumpkin has chosen you! Favoured fruit of fairy godmothers and hungry Sto Plains travellers, the pumpkin is an indicator of honesty and the lack of artifice. There's no point in trying to keep secrets because your open pumpkin-face will give you away every time. Mubbles are also known for their kindness, understanding nature and gullibility. Good professions: agony aunt (though not Agony Aunt), careworker, tax assessor, Fool. Bad professions: spy, flim-flammer, seller of sausages inna bun. This month, be as much like
a pumpkin as you can; emphasise your steadfastness, wear your heart on your sleeve. Beware of soup factories and jack o' lantern carvers. Your lucky colour is khaki and your lucky number is 31.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Fruit: Kumquat

What an appropriate fruit for this sign. The kumquat is one of those strange Forn fruits created for humorous purposes; everyone knows its name but few people could describe it, or pick one out of a Watch identity parade. It sounds exotic and exciting and other words beginning with x, yet in reality it's unremarkable-looking, small, and, well, boring. But kumquats are good in jams, and
that's a quality you'll find handy when, for example, trying to escape the clutches of Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions, or mad gods, or persistent scythe-wielding anthropomorphic personifications. Boring'uns should take great care this month to avoid threatening scenery and anything that sounds exciting. Or exotic. Your lucky colour is yellow, and your lucky number is 3,
although you can start running at 2.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Fruit: Fig

Ah, figs. The fruit of seduction, the fruit of carelessness (why else would people say "I couldn't give a fig" eh?), and the vital ingredient of figgins, at least according to Nanny Ogg's Recipe Book - although I have my doubts about that last. Gytha does love her little jokes, and after all, there's no rabbit in Llamedosian Rabbit, and no toads in Toad In The Hole, and as for those funny little jumped-up biscuit tarts known as cheesecakes...but I digress. After last month's self-denial exercises, I think you Okjokers can afford to push the boat out a little, don't you? Try a short holiday in Brindisi or Genua, where you can relax in the sun and toast
your figgins with a clear conscience. Be sybaritic, be selfish, for in the great scheme of things, soft fruits must take advantage of their short season! Your lucky colour is electric blue, and your lucky number is 256 with a following wind.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Fruit: Apple

Was there ever a more famous fruit than the apple? The classical fruit of knowledge and temptation, the favourite fruit of Hexomancers, the first fruit in the alphabet, the fruit most likely to be chosen by dippy thespians when naming their firstborn...the fruit of a hundred delightful uses, and may the Sauce be with you! This month all Footies should indeed be saucy and fruitful, though if you're tripped it's a good idea not to fall too far from the tree. Those of you starting a new job should bear in mind the crispness and fresh taste of the apple when you present yourselves for that vital first day. And spare a copper or two for that unfortunate
drunk in the gutter: for all you know, he was brought to that low pass by a drink made of mostly apples. Your lucky colour is crimson, and your lucky number is 1.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Fruit: Cucumber

Another surprising astral fruit - and wasn't it certainly a surprise for poor Old Vincent! Cucumbers weave their way around the garden, and you can take that as a hint that you should be
tending to your social skills. Go out more. Learn to weave yourself into the intricate patterns of gossip and confidences as the subtle flavour of the cucumber weaves itself through a salad. Cultivate your more social handicrafts: join a sewing circle, or start a community quilt. Since cucumbers are good for the eyes, take extra care of your own eyes this month. What with all that social networking and eyecare skills, the last week of the month might be a good time to open that beauty salon you always dreamed of. Or to become a concubine: the Sultan of al-Ybi is hiring at the moment. Your lucky colour is melon green, and your lucky number is 7/12ths.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Fruit: Bananana

The bananana, or banana as Roundworlders prefer to spell it, is a most unusual fruit. Perhaps the fact that it has no seeds has something to do with its affinity for the Rather Large Gazunda,
what with it being the most frequent sign of orphans and the childless, to say nothing of all those famous Gazundian ecdysiasts. Yes, it's true, ladies born under the Gazunda have an affinity for peeling at the drop of a bananana skin, and why not? Mind your knees and elbows this month; a visit to the chiropodist wouldn't go amiss either. For the men, this month is a good one for replacing worn trousers and for consulting to local pox doctor about that troublesome hernia. Good things will come to you in hands, so long as you remember to beware of tarantulas. Your lucky colour is bone, and your lucky number is 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Fruit: Wahoonie

O, the wahoonie, most noble of all fruits! And largest. And smelliest. Was there ever a fruit with more cachet? - possibly, yes, but never one more egregious or infamous. You Meese are especially
blessed to be in resonance with this legendary fruit, and now that we're halfway through the year, your time has come to blossom. And it's time to come to your blossoms, too. Get out in the garden and prune, fertilise, dust, spray, rake! Too late now to gather nuts in May, so gather fruit in Grune and Spune. Don't forget to trim the haha and feed the carp in the ornamental pond. In fact, why not tidy and paint the whole outside of your house? Or the whole neighbourhood? Or even get into the spirit of the Big Wahoonie and paint the town red! Oh my, all this enthusiasm is making me feel quite dizzy. Um. Your lucky colour is black , and your lucky number is 7+1. I'm going to have a lie-down now, see you next month.