Wednesday, March 31, 2004

March 2004

by Miss Anaemia Asterisk

    We are sorry to report that Lady Aranluc, our beautiful DW astrologer, was passing through A-M recently and reportedly took a wrong turn and found herself on Dagon Street. Like the unfortunate Mr. Hong, she had a significant encounter with some of the former occupants of that street, and has disappeared from mortal ken, leaving behind only a few bodily parts which are normally found loose only in operating rooms.

    Following the sad departure of Lady Aranluc, Miss Anaemia Asterisk has kindly agreed to take over the duties of casting our monthly horoscope. Miss Asterisk, a local hedge witch of At last! The new Discworld Horoscope!some renown, is three-times winner of the Slice and District allcomers' horoscope casting competition, and claims to be able to cast a horoscope further than anyone else in her weight category. A kindly old lady, she wears a lot of black and is a known friend of the Meseroles of Genua and that nice Lord Downey of Ankh-Morpork. Please make her welcome.

    Miss Asterisk has corrected the DW zodiac tables for A'Tuin's latest movements and has added the latest constellations now affecting Discworld. Her work, which follows, is vital to us all and should be consulted when making your plans for April.

    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

If your life's been uncertain of late, be of good cheer: there are sunny times ahead. In fact, this is a good time to get your shades out. And an even better time to get out of the Shades. Let's be honest, you didn't really want to make your fortune by moving consignments of designer knock-off troll sunglasses, did you? Chrysoprase would be most upset.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Stressed out? This could be a rough month, so why not sign up for a round of Wizards' Paintball? The keen young chaps at the UU Department of High Energy Magic are always on the lookout for civilian victims, er volunteers to experiment, er practice with. Look at it this way, it could provide you with hours of fun-filled entertainment and healthy outdoor exercise. It could even change your life! Into that of a distressed newt, sure, but you'd never have to pay the mortgage again, and one of the students will probably provide you with a comfortably furnished jar. Beware of cold leftover pizza and lizard presses.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

A man in black clothing, with a bracelet inscribed "Complymentes of Lorde Downey", may seriously complicate your life this month. Or is that compromise? Whatever. Be sure your will is up to date, and don't order any extra milk from that nice Mr Soak. A casual friend will give you the name of a good florist. Avoid Dibblers selling pension plans but don't forget to floss.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

An excellent time to look up old friends, and the older the better. A lady from the Fresh Start Club will give you a helpful clue. The Friends of Uberwald recycling shop near the Misbegot Bridge offers a fine selection of fish livers and roots, and there's a discount at the moment on clacks messages to Mrs Gogol in Genua. Wouldn't it be lovely to catch up on old times with those gone-but-not-forgotten childhood mates who went on that ill-fated field trip the day you were kept home with the Borogravian flu? Don't forget the oil of scallatine.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Auspicious tidings for your future: an obscure relative will die and leave you the deeds to his thriving cabbage and broccoli farm (this horoscope does not apply to inhabitants of the Sto Plains). Current celestial alignment means that Bilious is in the House of Anodyne, and what better time to break out that vintage bottle of Bearhugger's Finest Old Wednesday Port for testing? A good month for having warts removed (this horoscope does not apply to witches).

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

"What the eye sees not, the heart grieves not." Or as Mrs Cosmopilite would say, "Always carry a square of fluffy blanket with you, blue for choice. Them bogeymen are buggers to deal with if they can see you." This is a good month to reduce a bogey to a state of quantum uncertainty. Carrying a poker is also recommended, but a knife is not, unless you're one of those gentlemen in black clothing with a bracelet from that nice Lord Downey.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

You love to travel, and there's no better time than this month to see the world. Actually, tonight would be a good time to get started. Actually, right now would be even better, since there's a large Watchman proceeding up your street checking the house numbers. Oh well, they say that confession is good for the soul. Then again, a spot of healthy outdoor exercise is even better. How fast can you run the 100 yard sprint on cobblestones? The alignment of your stars suggests river travel this month. Consider investing in precious stones and other easily carried valuables.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Keeping up appearances is very important, especially at this time of year. Just look at the state of those old clothes! If you're not careful, people will start asking you for love potions and
Granny Weatherwax will be down on you like a ton of oblong eldritch things for impersonating a witch. Next week is a good time to trot along to the Seamstresses' Guild and ask for a makeover. How much of a makeover is up to you really, isn't it dearie?

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

A short, dark, romantic stranger is about to enter your life. Try not to trip over his stepladder. People may say you are like chalk and cheese as a couple, but there's nowt wrong with a nice bit of Chalk cheese, eh? For those born under the Foot, special care is needed in matters of the shoulders and what we may politely call the seating region, so get your daughters-in-law
or young female relatives to do all the heavy housework. And no sweeping the dust under the carpets like that dreadful woman at No.37, you can't be having with that sort of thing.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Hoki the Jokester is traditionally a lucky sign, but you don't want to accept any magical dice from a mysterious Lady with bright green eyes. Avoid oysters, falling ladders and Thursdays. For witches, this is a good month to book that cranky old broom in for a service. Beware dwarfs bearing gifts of bread, as these are dangerous to dental health. A good month to sacrifice to Blind Io and Fate: vestigial virgins are always a favourite.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

A picture is worth a thousand words, so why not start that family iconograph album you always meant to make? What do you mean, you haven't fed the imp since last Grune? For shame! Oh well, never mind. For those of you born on the cusp of Philadephus, this month will see a promising upswing in your social life. Eat only untoasted figgins, and beware of small angry zombies waving

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

"Once bitten, twice shy." A good month to avoid werewolves, vampires and Big Fido. Charity begins at home, so be sure to give generously to any door-knockers collecting for the Silicon Anti-Defamation Fund. A stitch in time saves nine; when's the last time you saw Igor for
a check-up? Let a smile be your umbrella, but if you will insist on walking past the back door of the Mended Drum at chucking-out time you'll need something more substantial, depending on what's being chucked out. Avoid the colour puce, and stay away from dark alleys between teatime and 8 pm, because that's when Thieves' Guild training sessions are scheduled this month. Trust me on this, I'm an astrologer.

Horoscope index

Updated whenever I remember...


MarchPredictions for the month
AprilPredictions for the month
MayPredictions for the month by special guests
JuneAstro-illogical fruit
JulyTraits and qualities of each Sign
AugustPredictions for your life
SeptemberAgatean signs and action figures
OctoberAlternative self
NovemberHogswatch poetry
DecemberAdvice for the new year


JanuaryDiseases of each Sign
FebruaryPatron Saints of each Sign
MarchRecommended plants
AprilDream personae
MayNew constellations and new influences
JulyTemptations and secrets
SeptemberNatural disasters to beware
OctoberAmazing, amusing, all-astounding alliteration!
DecemberHogswatch with guest Personalities


JanuaryAdvice for love
FebruarySocial calendars
MarchHoly Wood movies
AprilSongs for each Sign
MayHeavenly letters
JuneHistory of the constellations
JulyDances for each Sign
AugustBest vacation for each Sign
SeptemberRecommended crimes
Octoberno horoscope this month
DecemberA brand new year


FebruaryAgatean signs, haikus, phobias
MarchImp of the perverse
MayThings that don't like you
JuneGuest horoscopes by wizards
July ???
August ???
September ???
October ???
November ???
December ???