From far Agatea comes the noble art of Haiku (not to be confused with the lesser Bhangbhangducan arts of Sezyu and Fuku); this month, I've a fancy to cast your Horoscopes in Haiku form. Since this form of arcane Eastern art is bloody difficu-, um, rather delicate and precise, you may find that a certain soupcon of my usual "trademark humour" is missing (no, Mister Throat, I'm not going to explain what a "trademark" is. Yes, my ancient mother quite enjoyed those almost unused false teeth you sold her last week at an even larger than usual discount price. No, I'm still not going to explain to you about "trademarks"). As always, I exhort you to look to your Signs and take my advice without a grain of salt, unless you're a Sea Troll, in which case you can't take anything without a grain of salt. Be well.
Writing horoscopes
Is by far more difficult
Than you'd think. - what? What?
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Adamant Hedgehog
Sign of cops (and Mrs Cake)
Protects feet and nails
This month, buy new shoes
Invest well in manicures
Sacrifice to Fate
Tend your offspring well
Share with them great lit'rature
"That is not my cow!"
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Tulips in the sky
Gahoolie, the astral Vase
Smiles on those confused
This month, seek new goals
Try postvital politics
Join the Fresh Start Club
Zombies need hugs too!
Don't avoid them, even if
Bits keep dropping off
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Gentle hunted Herne
God of small and helpless lives
Favours nervous types
This month, guard your skin
From Fourecks's brutal sun
(Bring a beer along)
Caution is your friend
Sunstroke is your enemy
Practise "Slip, Slap, Slop"
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Wizard's Staff and Knob:
Fans of aristology
Know this Star Sign well
This month, take light meals
And eschew things over-rich
(That's eschew, not "chew")
Second breakfast's out
Likewise for elevenses
Soon, you'll see your feet
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Morning-after woes?
Bilious, God of Hangovers
Groans in sympathy
This month, try "Lite" beers
Sup not of reannuals
That would end in tears
Recent research shows
Unfermented grape juice is
Good for healthy hearts!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Lacking artifice?
Mubbo the Hyena can
Inspire subtleness
This month, avoid swords
Unless wielded by yourself
In berserker rage
Empires beg to fall
Trodden 'neath your sandalled feet
Soft the hero sleeps
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Terrified of risks?
Boring Groups of (Small) Faint Stars
Shines upon your fears
This month, forswear spells
Necrotelicomnicons
And geography
Seek a quiet life
Magical researches are
Best left to the brave
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Starry, starry night
Born under Androgyna?
Casual's the word
This month, brook no fools
Beware Dibblers bearing gifts
(Also, Mrs Cake)
Thrift's for faint of heart
Bargain hunters know no fear
Shop until you drop
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Travel free and far
Great T'Phon's Foot will not step
Hard on Footys born
This month, use your head
Swot arcane philosophies
Or invent the Gonne
Thoughts cannot be caged
Even when the thinker's chained
Head-down o'er a pit
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Magickal adepts
Hoki, Jokester set on high
Brings you eldritch luck
This month, cast dark runes
Study well the entrails' turns
Dead men do tell tales
Shadows, eerie winds
"When shall we three meet again?"
Don't forget the scones
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Hark to Love's sweet song!
Rather Large Gazunda holds
Sway o'er lovers' lips
This month, make love well
Whether you be Seamstress fair
Or besotted Dwarf
Carrots, oysters, wine
Don't forget the Special Sauce
Thus are legends born
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Clever-fingered thieves
Lesser Umbrage favours you
With keen eyes and hands
This month, lose yourself
In the practice of your Arts
Heed nae Laird nor Quin
Steal a passing ship
Or a coo, if you be bold
Blow, ye mousepipes, blow!
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