Wednesday, February 28, 2007

February 2007

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

And a Happy New Year to all you Agateans, celebrating the Year of the Pig! Funny, I thought that was every year for wizards... speaking of obsessive piggishness (not to be confused with piggish obsession - especially in the case of local pig-witches, for whom being obsessed with pigs is a vital part of the job description), this month I shall concentrate on obsessive phobias and other behaviours of the sort that can get too, well, too. Good advice can be found in the Stars, along with rather a lot of hot exploding gases! So in honour of the Agatean New Year, this month's horoscopical advice is once again in the form of haiku. A piggy Astral Month to you all!

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Agatean sign: Blowfish

    Fear not "fear itself"
    Dominate your underlings
    Shouting helps a lot

    Fear not loss of face
    Arrogance will see you through
    Don't apologise

    Fear no challengers
    "Alpha" is your middle name
    Big red bottom wins

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Agatean sign: Reciprocating Fox

    Salesman, be not scared
    Customers will always buy
    Sausage inna bun

    Face slow days with grit
    Market fluctuations are
    Job-description stuff

    When all's said and done
    Empty stomachs triumph o'er
    Meat That Has No Name

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

Agatean sign: Heavenly Tourist

    In your forest deep
    Fear no angry predators
    Small is big reversed

    Fear not pointy teeth
    Outcomes are uncertain still
    Like cats in a box

    Fear no foreign power
    Elementals? Evil queens?
    No! This land is yours!

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Agatean sign: Hoarse Whisperer

    "Eat": three-letter word
    "Dinner" has two syllables
    "Acid stomach": four

    "Low cholesterol"
    This sign keeps blood pressure down
    Banish thus your fear

    Food can be your friend
    Use your love of luxury
    To devise light meals

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Agatean sign: Water Feature

    Truly you abhor
    Malt, hops, and fermented fruit
    "Mostly apples"? Hah!

    Fear is in the mind
    Stomach, liver, pancreas
    Must not rule your day

    Carpe urceum!
    Many good hangover cures
    Wait in dawn's weak light

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Agatean sign: One Won Ton

    Honest men ne'er fear
    Capture or discovery:
    Such men sleep at night

    Curst be thou, Mubboon
    Never shall you counterfeit
    Pilfer, filch or fence

    Right the Heavens are
    Choosing you as feckless born
    Crime just ain't your thing

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Agatean sign: Bureaucrat

    Craven Boring'uns!
    You fear good ol' "fear itself"
    Not without just cause

    Lurking ev'rywhere
    Danger laughs at cautious beings
    Quit while you're ahead

    Party for your lives
    Travel, swim, eat pineapples
    You'll die anyway

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Agatean sign: Dragon's Egg

    Fear not heroes' fate
    Never think you're not the best
    Fear not loss of nerve

    Use all means at hand
    Salamanders or grimoire
    You were BORN TO RUNE

    No relentless foe
    Can withstand your cold steel or
    Municipal Code

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Agatean sign: Vampire Ghost

    Fear not changing times
    Fashions change in clothes and pets
    Classics never age

    Wear your boots with pride
    Armour can be feminine
    When pure heart's beneath

    Lamp oil, anthracite
    Never let their flame go out
    Love will find a way

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Agatean sign: Bonsai Mountain

    Scryers, fight your fear
    Darkness in your crystal ball
    Merely means it's night

    Think you've lost your touch?
    Cook a pot of gumbo, quick!
    Jambalaya, too

    You have naught to fear
    Others fear your pointy hat
    So they bloody should!

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Agatean sign: Barking Mad Dog

    Love is in the air
    Fear not your performing skills
    Oysters save the day

    Fearsome lack of height?
    One stepladder: problem solved
    All are equal, prone

    Fear no roses' thorns
    Roses open in bouquets
    Open...other flowers

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Agatean sign: Beti, the Exotic Dancer

    Never be afraid
    Dree your weird and face your fate
    Make friends with a cheese

    Battles will be won
    Cursing comes in handy for
    Fights in Underworlds

    Fear no written words
    Lawyers cannot harm you when
    You're already dead!

Slayin' A Vimes

by Weird Alice Lancrevic
(with apologies to the Bee Gees)

Well, you can tell by the way I slyly sneak
I'm a deadly man, Assassin-chic
Fashion hot and caltrops cold
I'm a graduate - eighteen years old
And now it's goodnight, say goodbye
And he may scream or softly die
Duke of Ankh is in a jam
It's in The Times - we're out for Sam!

Whether we were nobles, pig-farmers, or from Cockbill
We're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Killin' with a flourish, there's nothing amateurish
When you're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes...

Well now, I aim low and I aim high
And if I can't use poison, I'll stab an eye
Got some extra daggers in my shoes
I'm a stranglin' man, and I've crossbows too
You know it's last rites, he should pray
Cos he won't see another day
He can try escapin' doom
But "Mister Vimes" we'll soon inhume

We're not out to bother your sister or your father
We're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Junior in his crib'll be safe along with Sybil
But we're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes...

Life's gonna leave him
Death, he'll receive him
We're feelin' stealthy, yeah

Swift inhumation
Our reputation
Will be so healthy, yeah
Slayin' a Vimes!

Note: the original lyrics can be found at:


Weird Alice Lancrevic, the noted Bard of the Ramtops, whose poetic works delight WOSSNAME readers every month, is going on holiday. After the runaway success of her book 101 MORE USES FOR A DEAD HEDGEHOG (Goatberger & Sons, AM$9.99), Mss Lancrevic has found herself wealthy enough to head off on a Grand Sneer, touring the furthest and most culturally exciting regions of the Disc just like a real posh nob! But you, our dear readers, shall not be bereft of her presence, because - in keeping with the latest trend - Alice intends to write a Clacks log, or clog, detailing all her adventures... or at least the ones that can be reprinted without incurring defamation suits and criminal charges. And yes, there may well be a song or three included in her clog-posts!

All in all, it will be rather like Nanny Ogg's Postcards From Abroad, only with better spelling.

We at WOSSNAME wish Weird Alice the best of fortune on what is bound to be a thrilling journey (except for the boring bits, you know, the ones spent waiting for coaches that arrive late, ships that fail to make port, highwaymen who can't decide if they actually want her money or her life...). Bon voyage! Gescheisenfalcke! Au lait! ]