Friday, December 31, 2004

December 2004

Well, here it is a fresh new year and all that; Hogswatch is over, the carols have been sung, the drinks have been drunk, the drunks have been put in the woodshed to sober up, and all is shiny and promising. Oh, wait, that's just the scumble afterglow. Ah well, time to pull your socks up (if you wear socks) and face the year with fortitude. And health drinks. And of course, a shiny new horoscope...

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

The time has come for a change in your life. A big change. A really, really big change. Have you ever considered moving continents? No, not actually moving continents - after all, that's a job for the gods - but packing your bags and saying goodbye to your friends and family and setting off for a new life in Brindisi or Howondaland or Agatea or even the mysterious land of XXXX. Well, my dears, now is the best time to do it, if you're ever going to. Think about it - do you truly want to die without being able to say you've seen the mountains of the History Monks, or without ever having bathed in the lost springs of youth in Tezuma? Not that I'm suggesting you're about to die, but, um, do remember to buy travel inn-sewer-ants.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Communications, that's the key. Gahooligans are great communicators, just look at all those educators, priests and salesmen of genuine pig products, and a new year brings new opportunities to investigate new forms of communication. In fact, don't just investigate - invest! The newly renovated Grand Trunk clacks network is growing by the day, and gives a great return for A-M dollar investments. Who knows, you could make your millions, retire early, and go chase that nice Quirmian girl Hogger who decided to heed her horoscope and now lives in Bes Pelargic! Alternatively, you could become a mime, but the return for your investment tends to involve scorpions.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

This is a good month to consider a career in couture. After all, in this modern age, there are so many styles to pick and choose from, whether severe schoolmistress outfits, the Gothique look, long rustic dresses with enormous boots, or the kind of clothing that might get you cautioned by the Watch if you wear it on the wrong street corners. Fashion is an exciting and ever-changing field, and with the continuing rise of the merchant classes, you could turn a pretty penny. I mean, how much does it take to convince an awkward, social-climbing cabbage distributor's wife that she really would look delicious in pink tulle and a rubber apron? - or a burnous and waders? And you'll never be short of a labour pool; look how many seamstresses there are, walking the streets looking for work!

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Sing ho for the wonders of the kitchen! The first month of any year tends to be boring and dreary and full of holiday leftovers; why not start it off by taking a cookery course, or opening a Forn food restaurant? Klatchian curries are already well known and feared, but think of the possibilities: you could become a squishi chef, or a Genuan gumbo specialist, or a maker of fine Lancre-style cheeses; you could amaze your friends with your new-found expertise at making traditional Uberwald goulashes and fatsup; you could even ~cough cough~ spice up your home life by mastering every recipe in Nanny Ogg's famous cookbook! Or go cosmopolitan and open an open-air
Brindisian style café. Call it Café Olé. You know it makes sense.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

The doing of charitable works should be your project for the new year. And there are so many charitable works you could participate in! Collecting funds, nearly new bandages and freshly discarded body parts for the Lady Sybil Free Hospital...teaching apprentice witches how to make a good shamble (for the purpose of public security)...counselling depressed Fools (and there's an endless supply of those)...joining the Beautify Ankh-Morpork Campaign (the Brass Bridge really could do with a new coat of brass)...running a language course for newly arrived Agatean tourists...let your imagination run free! It will make you feel good about yourself. And distract you from the ravages of those unspeakable holiday hangovers. Oh wait, you have those every weekend, don't you.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

War! What is it good for? Well, for a start, it's good to study. You can learn so much about human nature - or troll, dwarf or creature-of-the-night nature - from the study of government approved violence...perhaps even learn how to stop wars from happening. Alternatively, you could study the history of weaponry and make a packet by entering the munitions trade. Or become an illicit crossbow runner. Or, for those of you of an Auriental bent, master an obscure martial art
(note spelling). See? - war is good for quite a lot. If you want to start small, why not plan and initiate a vendetta with her at No. 18 about those ghastly encroaching flower beds? I'm sure your prize Llamedosian Crossbrained Retriever could be a big help.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

The world of collecting is heart-stoppingly exciting! Why not start your new year by taking up this beguiling pastime? Here are a few helpful suggestions for things to collect, to polish and display and cherish and rattle on interminably about. You could take up collecting: coproliths from various fascinating species...fine art and small clear bags of powdered mothballs...humorously shaped vegetables...stamps of the world (taking care to hermetically seal
the limited-edition Quirm cabbage ones)...socks...icons of small gods...blood samples (not recommended for Black Ribboners)...those black and yellow cart-wheel clamps that are all the rage in the cities now...just don't bother collecting pins. Pins are so yesterday.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Take Art into your life this year! Embrace it! Ponder (not Stibbons) the interplay of light and shadow with an iconographer's eye (not one borrowed from an Igor). Design creative battle breads with an innovative use of gravel textures. Work out exciting new cross-stitch and knitting patterns for those normally boring scabbards and throwing-knife sheaths. Experiment with new alloys to create unique stud patterns on your leather Music With Rocks In robe. No, not
that kind of stud, especially if you're a wizard. Oh dear. Um, where was I? Oh yes. Art can be found in Nature as well - Llamedosian Okjokers might enjoy seeking and harvesting previously-unquarried henges and monoliths, and those of the trollish persuasion could practice painting graffiti tags on Old Granddad. I don't know Art but I know what you'll like.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Science. Does the word frighten you? It's time you left your fears behind and learned about the world around you and what makes it tick. There's dendrochronology, the science of determining the age of ooograh; geology, the science of determining the age and origin of submontane fat deposits; alchemy, the science of determining how to become a literal rocket wizard; biology, the science of investigating the origins of pencil bushes and orangutans; cosmology, the study of very large turtles; ballistics, the study of the trajectories of extremely fast-moving wizards powered by Agatean technology (or by pure terror); and of course the emperor of all sciences, thaumology. Do be sure to practise safety in the laboratory, especially if you're taking up one of the more... pyrotechnic branches; sometimes blinding people with science isn't such a good idea.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

I'd recommend a career in politics starting this year, but I see that so many of you Hokians already have one. For those who don't, politics - an branch of the ancient game of Watching People Over The Garden Gate And Interfering In their Lives - can be a rewarding lifestyle choice (I hear the kickbacks in Bhangbhangduc are particularly gratifying). The study and practice of politics can keep you occupied for years, often in a dungeon cell. And the ballot-paper ceiling isn't so tough - who knows, if you apply yourself properly you might end up rising to the highest position in the land, or even to Grand Vizierhood, which is less public and involves a lot of
stress-relieving evil cackling. You too could rule with an iron hand! Just don't let Lord Vetinari or Emperor Cohen catch you thinking about it.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Happy new year! Romance is in the air - though it's always in the air for some of you Gazundians and it's positively magical. But did you know that there's an art and science to romance also? - pipe down, Mister Casanunda, of course I'm not trying to teach you to suck eggs. Yes, eggs, we're certainly not going to think of sucking anything else here, this is a family horoscope I'll have you know...anyway, for the rest of you, the mysterious rites of courtship make a good study-project for the year. There's bouquet-arranging, and the writing of coy little love-notes; there's the planning of romantic dinners à deux - you can pick up tips from Staffy cookery students - and the nuances of scene-setting and coquettish small talk; there's the best and most dashing methods of carrying your most-wanted across the threshold, and then the best way to achieve, um, yes. Romance is back in fashion. Enjoy it.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

The Moose may be the traditional sign of surgeons, but how many of you really know anything about doctor-ing? It's not all leeches and trepanning and sulphur ointment, you know. This year it would do you good to brush up on medical knowledge - can you put your hands on your heart(s) and honestly state that the Isles of Langerhans aren't actually a cool holiday destination off the coast of Klatch? - or participate in experiments to push back the boundaries of modern medicine. You could steal and examine a Boring'un's collection of blood samples, or measure blood-pressure changes over time by observing prisoners hanging upside-down in the Patrician's scorpion pit, or become a grave robber and assemble and revivify your own...erm, let's not go there. You probably don't want to start the year running one step ahead of a forest of angrily wielded pitchforks.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

November 2004

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

Guess what time of year it nearly is! Yes, dust down those pig and sleigh ornaments and that glass replica of the Cheerful Fairy and get ready to wassail like you've never wassailed before. So this is Hogswatch, and what have you done...I wish it could be Hogswatch every it is, Happy Hogswatch everybody...ahem.

As a special pre-Hogswatch pressie, I've blackmailed the Bugarup University Professor of Poetry, or more likely Pottery, to give us a few appropriate verses (except where Nanny Ogg is concerned, in which case you're likely to get, erm, inappropriate verses). As a bonus, I've included the best celestially-matched holiday treat for each Sign. Happy Hogswatch, and don't overdo it on the Special Sheep Liniment. And remember, a dragon is for life, or at least until uncontrolled combustion occurs. Bless.

"Your Super Callow Fragile Mystic Hogswatch Horrorscope Is..."

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Iced fairy cakes.

"'Twas the night before Hogswatch..." - a fine, festive outing
A time for gifts, food, drink, and most of all, shouting
The Hogfather's dressed in his robe of bright red
He'd look great in your trophy-room - shoot for the head!
Remember to shout at the servants and guests
Beware party-crashers in crossbow-proof vests
Be kind to small children - it's just once a year
Next week you'll again be a figure of fear...
At least Foul Ole Ron won't be scenting your hall
For Hoggers can never be beggared at all!

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Pork products on a spit. Or onna stick.

Come all ye fine Gahooligans
Drink deep of scented ales
Then go to sleep and sweetly dream
Of after-Hogswatch sales
For those of a religious bent
The pickings will be ace
For at year's-end rich folk will court
Dunmanifestin's grace
In fact, it's capital gains all 'round
Give thanks for bulging coffers
No need to cut your own throats now -
It's Hogswatch! (any offers?)

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

Chocolate. And more chocolate.

You better not shout, you better not cry
You better watch out, I'm telling you why:
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
bash all the monsters under your - I'm sorry, I'll
start that again...
She's making a list, she's checking it twice
She's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
get that bogeyman hiding behind the - oh dear, this
isn't working very well, is it? Pardon me, there's a
cowled rat tugging at my skirt. Erm, Happy Hogswatch.
She knows when you are sleeping, she knows if you're awake
She knows if you've been bad or good because she's the
granddaughter of Death, after all, and Death sees the fall
of every sparrow and - aaah, forget it.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Roast suckling pig, assorted cakes, dessert trolley
and a selection of wines.

Deck the halls with boughs of holllly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, a pint of eels
Bow to ev'ry wizard's folly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, our one has wheels
Fill to bursting ev'ry belly
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Winkle pie for Mr Jelly,
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the first one's free.
Deck the Libr'ry with bananas
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, cough cough, cough cough
For tonight the Watch won't ban us
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the wheels fell off
Toast we now our figgins tender
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Arrgh! The Bursar's on a bender!
Buggrit, buggrit, eek! - some Dried Frog tea?

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Drinks (well duh).

Your Lancre scumble is a drink
Best served in tiny capfuls
Beware! It's stronger than you think
Though made from mostly apples
Reannuals must be drunk with care!
Here's news for all you wonderers:
They, erm, repeat (and Bilians fair
Are also known as Chunderers)
Booze should be viewed with jaundiced eyes
As dangerous to sceptics
For after all - with this star sign -
You're bound to feel dyspeptic!

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Pumpkins and black pudding.

A lonely Fool sat in his cold, cold cell
With tears on his Face and rust on his bells
His bladder deflated, a sad, sad shell:
"I won't be home for Hogswatch."
A trio of Thieves with their empty bags
Too down to be bothered collecting swag
Complained to their victims, "It's such a drag
"We won't be home for Hogswatch."
But suddenly, blue sparkles filled the night
And all four beheld an alarming weird sight
And a voice like deep thunder said, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,

(Unsurprisingly, they declined.)

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Little cheese cubes on plain toothpicks.

Step softly, step softly, on this Hogswatch Day
The party is swinging (the kitchen's this way...)
Come early, be low-key, and don't stay too late
You might be attacked by a pineapple, mate!
Be careful, be careful of what's there to eat
The snacks are too spicy, the punch is too sweet
In pork pies and sausages (loaded with fat!)
Food poisoning lurks - can't be having with that
Of bikkies, beware; sarnies? They're for ignoring
In fact, just stay home.
Ain't it fun to be boring?

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Stoo with named meat.

Hogswatch is a-coming, the Dean is very fat
Please to put a figgin in his pointy hat
Hogswatch is a-coming, Lord Downey's wearing black
Please to put some poison in the old man's sack
Hogswatch is a-coming and Death is on the prowl
Please to put two coppers in his deep, dark cowl
Hogswatch is a-coming and Cohen has a sword
Please to give him rubies or you might get gored
Hogswatch is a-coming and Dibbler's in his coat
Please to buy a sausage or he'll cut his throat
Reality is wavering, all Ponder's team are wrecks
So please, please, put a figgin in the UU Hex!

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Eggnog, with herbs and things.

Across the snows of Uberwald
There came an eerie wail
"I must be strong! I must hold out!
"Tonight I must not fail!"
The moonlight limned an eldritch shape
Attired in grave-dark satin
Upon the wind, a voice mused,
"I hope Nanny's kept the cat in...
"I must resist the lure tonight!
"I must stay dry! I gotta!
"I'll keep my Pledge, I will,
"Or my name isn't Margolotta!"
She clenched her fangs (oh, by the way
She doesn't waver often)
And flew back to her lonely schloss
To decorate her coffin.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Slumpie and clootie dumplings.

By Palace proclamation, there's
An amnesty on mummers
On Morris Men, folksinging folks
And even - shudder - drummers
It's goodwill time around the Disc
Be kind to friends and neighbours
(Whilst watching with one eye
For Nac Mac Feegle tossing cabers)
A word of warning, though, for mimes:
Be careful where you tarry
The man beneath the mistletoe
Might be Lord Vetinari!

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Unconsidered trifle.

I'm dusting down my pointy hat
I'm sprucing up my broom
I'm polishing my bestest boots
And tidying the room
I'm ramming all my silver pins
Into my stern grey bun
Tonight I'm going partying
Tonight I shall have fun.
I'm baking festive little cakes
I'm practising my smile
I'm doing everything it takes
To celebrate in style
Tonight I can't be having with
My normal rigid self...
Make merry, now. It's good for you.
Enjoy yourselves - or else!

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Strawberry wobbler.

Doctor Mossy Lawn looked out
On his Igors merry
Tossing body parts about
(It's herrydeterry)
Jason stoked the forge so bright
Helped by Nanny's daughters
For his yearly task tonight -
Shoeing Tusker's trottt-ters.
Good King Verence donned his bells
And with jingles gentle
Spread organic Hogswatch smells
(Quite experimental)
Sybil served the party fare
With her fav'rite dragon
No fine wines on offer there -
Sam is on the waaaa-gon!

Sunday, October 31, 2004

October 2004

"Accident of birth." Have you ever stopped to think on what that means? We all know how significant date of birth is, but place of birth matters just as much, you know; the stars rule our destiny, but the map does too. Jograffy is important, when you think about it - after all, you wouldn't want to put weeks of effort into digging out the Number 3 upshaft only to discover that it comes out on the bottom of Lake Zlobenia! This month we're going to look at what you might have been like if you'd been born under the same Sign, but only, say, a few hundred miles Turnwise...

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Your alternate self: Tezuman priest

Feeling a bit low this week? It's not surprising: that shortage of sacrificial virgins is only going to get worse until the 16th. Find something to do with your hands, like polishing that set of NeverDull(TM) obsidian knives your auntie gave you last Quetzovercoatl Day. The week of the 21st is good for travel, and may bring you the pleasant surprise of a fresh party of foreign explorers. The second week of the month will be a creative, mentally stimulating time, with your deductive powers at their highest; consider inventing the wheel. Beware of parrots.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Your alternate self: Hublands barbarian

By Clom, this will be an exciting month and no mistake! Your lucky stars will lead you to the best demon-haunted abandoned temple of your career, and a jewelled idol that makes the Eye of Offler look like a dodgy-grade Ankhstone. Unusual movement of Great A'Tuin's left rear flipper will bring your moon into alignment and guarantee some of the best swordfights of the working year. What's more, in the second week you've a great chance of scoring with that hot hussy Red Scharron - no more need to pilfer sacrificial virgins from the Tezuman Empire. Protect your voonerables with a hippo-grease poultice, and be sure to eat your horse cheese. The 27th is a creative time; consider learning to read.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

Your alternate self: Genuan socialite

The colour purple will bring you luck this month. Not before time either, since you've been wearing it all these years. The first two weeks of the month are favourable for travel to large foreign cities, and for meddling in the affairs of princes; it's also a good time to write to your favourite nephew, and to send him a gift of some of those nifty new poisons you've been working on. The 19th looks good for romance, especially with dashing Watchmen. Any ball given after the 21st will be a sure success. Take up knitting again; your high speed needle-throwing could do with some practice. Beware of mysterious ladies with a penchant for mirrors.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Your alternate self: Uberwald mine supervisor

Don't bother getting out of bed tomorrow morning - that promising new seam will turn out to be nothing but pyrites. But in the middle of the month the stars will favour you with a rich unexpected seam of silver, just the ticket for your new customers in Bonk. Send your daughter to the blacksmith on the 11th to get her beard trimmed. An unsettled time on the 22nd means you'd best count your gold even more carefully than usual. Don't forget the 29th: "Today is a good day to dig." Tell the missus to lighten up on the catbox tailings in this month's baking.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Your alternate self: Agatean squishi chef

Danger, Will Robbing Sun! An unfortunately leaky blowfish could spell the end of your career this month! A short and nasty end, too, so take exceptional care when preparing that banquet platter for the Grand Vizier's tea party. But Bilious smiles upon the Earth Dragon this month, so play your mah-jongg right and you may well get that position in the Emperor's kitchens. The third week of the month will be a creative time; consider inventing peasants' rights. A mysterious stranger from the West will fill your life with excitement. Offer him your wife, and some horse cheese.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Your alternate self: Klatchian camel driver

Be of great joy! The shifting stars will harmonise with the shifting sands this month, bringing cool oases, refreshing winds, and good trade prices at the souk. On the 12th, pay careful attention to the spittings and scratch-marks of your lead camel: they'll contain the solution to all your water conservation calculations. Your dreams of a deep double waterhole will come true halfway through the month, when following the line of an unusual rock formation will show wadi, wadi. Also, the 17th is a good time to burnish your burnoose. Don't sell any camels or any daughters until the 30th. Watch out for lizards.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Your alternate self: Quirmian cheesemaker

Blessed are the cheesemakers! And there's no more star-blessed time for laying down a new run of Brassica Blue Vein than the first week of this month. The 10th favours curd cheese and yoghourts. Hard cheeses will be difficult until the 22nd, and making Quirmembert is a bad idea until much closer to Hogswatch. Sto Lat Runny is right out. However, any time after the 15th will be good for experimenting with those new low-fat cheeses for the Nouveau Uberwald restaurant craze. The 26th is a creative time: consider inventing the milking machine.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Your alternate self: Borogravian innkeeper

Great news! In a few days, a party of valiant soldiers will be stopping by for a week's bivouac, Nuggan be praised! So stock up now on cut-price socks and shatterproof beer steins, and put up some new opaque curtains on the shower shed out in the stableyard. Don't bother sharpening the complimentary razors, though. Mid-month will bring a decisive time for local brewers, so lay in as many barrels of Duchess Heavy now before they decide to raise prices again. There will be a short shower of garlic and chocolates on the 13th; be kind to vultures and albatrosses. The second week of the month is your most creative time; consider inventing women's rights.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Your alternate self: Ankh-Morpork street vendor

You're having a wonderful run now, what with all those pre-Hogswatch sales, but beware - T'Phon's Toe moves into the Occluded Hangnail position this month and can adversely affect your customer relations. Now is the season to scrimp less and cut fewer corners, if you don't want to spend the festive season hiding out to avoid certain, erm, unsatisfied clients. The 14th is a good time for selling pies. The 18th is a bad time for selling elderly sausages. Snow-globes will be a popular item from the second week onwards (the public has a short memory sometimes), but be very careful where you get them. Avoid crocodile products, especially on the hoof.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Your alternate self: Fourecksian bushranger

Life has been a bit dry and flat lately, but that will change this month. Hoki will smile on you in the form of a long-hidden cache of beer - follow your heart and look for kangaroo-sign and you'll be laughing. The 21st is a good time to move your secret hide-out, because they'll be reopening that old opal mine. A wizard may lead you to riches on the 16th. Be kind to tall, burly women in floaty exotic clothing; you never know when you might need a pair of stilettoes. The 25th will see a rain of sheep, which is almost as good as a rain of rain. The last week of the month is your creative time; consider inventing truth in politics.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Your alternate self: Brindisian opera singer

Oi! Wake up! Here's a nice plate of squid and pasta, that will help. Now pay attention: under no circumstances should you travel abroad this month. Beware! Especially beware of touring large urban centres. Your stars are dangerously unsettled at the moment; if you do sing abroad, say in Ankh-Morpork, you will surely happen upon disturbing old ladies, murderous ghosts, and upsetting foreign foods such as pork pies and clootie dumplings. Not only will your life be turned upside-down, but you may become a different person altogether, with a different name, a different language, a different family -- oh, you've fallen asleep again. I don't know why I bother.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Your alternate self: Llamedosian bard

The first half of this month will be good for rain, but poor for human sacrifices; it seems the stars favour Hublands barbarians' sacrificial virgin-rescuing powers. The 11th is the best time to begin and bless new lutes and such (remember when you preserved the skin of Hywwllll, the Druid who said he hated music? - well, this is a good time to make a lyre of him). If you want your standing stones to remain standing, don't erect any new ones until after the 23rd. Romance is in the air from the 15th, so brush up on your marriage ceremonies (the ones that don't involve sacrificing virgins. That's the groom's job). On the 29th, sweep out and exorcise that underground solstice temple, so as to be sure that Elvish has left the building. The second half of the month will also be good for rain.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

September 2004

Hello my little skywalkers! It's been pointed out to me that the Agateans have a perfectly good horoscope of their own, so this month I've included the corresponding Agatean signs for all.

Due to great advances in pig treacle reclamation technology, resin modelling has entered a wonderful new age. No longer do we have to make do with rough hand-carved wooden avatars - no, there are now intricate, attractive treacle-resin action figures of gods, monsters, celebrities and even Ordinary People(TM) available at fairs, markets and curiosity shops, many at a price even residents of Cockbill Street can afford! So this month I have carefully matched likely action figures to your Zodiac signs. All figures are fully articulated, hand finished, and ready to provide hours of amusement. This has nothing to do with my purchasing large blocks of treacle
futures, no, not at all...

Yours sincerely,
Anaemia Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 March-20 April

Your Agatean sign is the Blowfish
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with extra-large Wizard's Staff, set of fishing flies, UU robes, official UU tracksuit, crossbow and bottle of Wow-Wow Sauce.

The Ridcully Action Figure is capable of gentle minor spellcasting when you wave his staff. Press the secret button in his hat and he shouts and his face grows red! This Action Figure makes a great desk organiser. Literally. For a small additional price, the Deluxe Limited Edition Ridcully offers a flock of Blasteds and a realistic B. S. Johnson brass-trimmed Archchancellor's Bath Tub.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 April-21 May

Your Agatean sign is the Reciprocating Fox
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with many-pocketed robe, bi-directional quill pens, sketchbooks, measuring devices, homemade explosives recipes, and an assortment of model engines of war (to be used for peaceful purposes only).

The Leonard of Quirm Action Figure has fully moveable eyes to indicate expressions of deep thought, and features full wrist action for simultaneous left- and right-handed writing. Pressing his left shoulderblade causes your Leonard to recite abstruse formulae whilst sketching birds and smiling absently; pressing his right knee will make him draw weapons of mass destruction. A truly inspirational toy for children of all ages.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May-21 June

Your Agatean sign is the Heavenly Tourist
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with steel-toed red boots, willow-reinforced hat, banjo, spare knicker elastic, phial of scumble and genuine dwarf-reconditioned broomstick.

The Gytha Ogg Action Figure is ready for any kind of action (and at her age, too...). Place the banjo in her hands and hear her sing 35 verses of the Hedgehog Song! Her cleverly made fingers can feel for dust under any surface in the home or dollhouse. The Super Deluxe Edition Gytha includes a scale-model Greebo; sadly, only the cat form is available. This Action Figure is not recommended for children over the age of three or adult males under the age of 65.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 June-22 July

Your Agatean sign is the Hoarse Whisperer
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with rewritable chem, imitation clay for patching, bill of self-purchase, Watchman's badge, and Personal Holy Days calculator.

The Dorfl Action Figure is a marvel of modern manufacturing: fine treacle-resin modelled to perfectly resemble ancient rough-sculpted clay! Your Dorfl is a tireless worker, even though he works by choice and not because you order him to. Press the centre of his back and he will spout declarations of self-interested purpose and discourse at length on philosophy and the nature of theology and Free Will, all in Obviously Capitalised And Portentous Words. A true marvel!

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 July-23 August

Your Agatean sign is the Water Feature
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with featureless grey robes, a number of overly fussy attempted haute-couture outfits, large bodyguards, and a selection of fine chocolates (WARNING: insertion of too many chocolates will cause your Action Figure to explode).

The Lady LeJean aka Unity Action Figure can materialise and dematerialise at command, so be careful to keep track of it when you're tidying up. Pressing her left, erm, hip will make her seek all manner of human sensations and pleasures, some of them embarrassing (except to the Gytha Ogg Action Figure). Beware: this Action Figure will learn from experience.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 August-23 September

Your Agatean sign is One Won Ton
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with slightly bent poker, disarrangeable hairstyle, sensible shoes, Robe of Absolute Darkness(TM), scythe, schoolteacher's outfit and a fetching black lace semi-goth gown.

The Susan Sto Helit Action Figure has a habit of apparently, well, disappearing, and is best located by squinting until your eyes water. Press her cute little nose and she will search under your bed for monsters to bash. Your Susan Action Figure can recite several dozen reasons for not believing in folk tales and superstitions. Particularly suitable for ill-behaved children. Don't place her too close to the Lady Myria Action Figure or she may steal some of the chocolates.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 September-23 October

Your Agatean sign is the Bureaucrat
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with rusty armour and helmet, greasy dog-ends, Morris dancing bells and hankies, and certificate of species.

The Nobby Nobbs Action Figure is best displayed in dark alleys, shadowed corners and under bridges where it can have a quiet smoke. Press the boil on the tip of his nose and he will attempt to open your wall safe or jewellery boxes while claiming he's just checking, guv'nor. This Action Figure can assume all known dirty street-fighting positions and should be handled whilst wearing gloves.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 October-22 November

Your Agatean sign is the Dragon's Egg
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with orange robes, lockpick set, broom, Yeti with detachable head, and personal Procrastinator (no batteries needed).

The Lobsang Ludd Action Figure must be handled with care: if you move it too fast, you may find the air around you turning blue and experience difficulty with watch and clock functionality. However, playing with this Action Figure is never a waste of Time! Press the button on his left heel and he will steal your wallet, watch and socks. The Deluxe Limited Edition Lobsang can recite the entire Way of Mrs Cosmopilite.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 November-21 December

Your Agatean sign is the Vampire Ghost
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with iconograph, spare tins of paint, imp food, notebooks, eye-watering patterned shirts and shorts, maps and postcards.

The Twoflower Action Figure is suitable for travel and can be placed on the dashboard of your vehicle (just below the fuzzy dice). Press on his eyeglasses and he will say "How many rhinu for that humorous native statuette?" in a number of dialects. The iconograph takes real pictures, but go easy on use because its imp is very small and impatient. The Deluxe Edition Twoflower comes with Luggage.

Hoki the Jokester 22 December-20 January

Your Agatean sign is the Bonsai Mountain
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with origami kit, selection of arcane poisons, hair oil, Imperial Court robes, forked tongue, and reproduction ancient Ankh-Morpork formal dress costumes.

The Lord Hong action figure excels at getting other Action Figures to do its dirty work. Press the secret button - you have to figure out where it is yourself without getting pricked by Lord Hong's concealed poison-coated knife - and he will recite poetry, plot the destruction of empires, and make exquisite squishi and/or origami animals. This Action Figure is best stored well away from any others!

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 January-18 February

Your Agatean sign is the Barking Mad Dog
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with running shoes, Wizzard hat, tattered robes, XXXXian survival kit, bag of peanuts, half-brick in a sock, and excuses.

The Rincewind Action Figure keeps best when away from any sort of action whatsoever. Press his scraggly beard and he screams for help in seventeen languages. Place him anywhere near knives and he runs away at a quite impressive speed. The Deluxe Edition Rincewind includes a reproduction Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography office, with a window to somewhere...surprising.

The Flying Moose 19 February-20 March

Your Agatean sign is Beti, the Exotic Dancer
Your action figure is:

Comes complete with 8" frying pan (to scale), copy of Diseases of the Sheep, phial of Special Sheep Liniment, cheese moulds, shamble, and invisible Hat.

The Tiffany Aching Action Figure seems to have a will of its own. It will move when your back is turned, pop up in unexpected places, and generally disobey while at the same time being unsettlingly clever and resourceful. Squeeze her right hand and she will make delicious cheese; squeeze her left and she will bash the nearest monster with her frying pan. Not recommended for inclusion in the same collection s the Susan Action Figure, unless you want your life utterly rearranged in sensible but surprising ways. Be warned: this Action Figure tends to attract Nac Mac Feegle, so keep your booze cupboard securely locked and nail down all valuables.

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

August 2004

Hello my cosmological possums, it's time for another month's horoscope. This month I have managed to acquire, at great expense and difficulty, a genuine Ankh-Morpork crystal ball that fell through a wormhole in L-space! With this marvelous prognostication aid, I can truly see into the future and tell you what your life is going to be like. Isn't modern thaumology wonderful?
-- Lady Anemia Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

The morning sun will wake you gently, but you'll shout at it anyway, just so it knows its place. Then you'll shout at the fawning servant who brings you your morning tea (even, or perhaps especially, if said fawning servant happens to be your spouse). After a suitably pacified breakfast, you will proceed to your place of "work", where naturally you are either the CEO or at least the head of your department, and bully your underlings. A helpful assistant will draw your attention to a potentially serious problem; pay no attention to him. After a corporate power lunch of blowfish squishi, you will attend a meeting. Or possibly not, since you will be waylaid by a cadre of angry, fed-up subordinates wielding pitchforks; this is the sort of thing that happens to a typical arrogant Hogger. Be sure to run, or there will be no point in getting out of bed tomorrow. Sometimes shouting just isn't enough.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Business is going to be good this month! Today is a good, nay, a wonderful day to set up your wares just off Sator Square, slightly out of the main drag so the Watch won't take too much notice of you. I'd tell you that the arcane art of shung fooey indicates that you should place your stall in a Turnwise direction to placate the earth-dragon, but the truth is that this is the best display angle to catch the attention of the wagonload of Quirm Ladies' Auxiliary daytrippers coming later this morning. Remember to eat an energy-filled breakfast, since you'll be chasing several shoplifters today. Also, the senior UU staff will be passing through the area between lunch and tiffin, so it's a good idea to hide those fake knobbed staffs that have been such a good seller recently. It pays to be vigilant.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

What a fine day for explorations and experiments! Get out there and make the most of the lovely weather. Just take care to do it in your own body, astral projection is right out this month. You're going to meet a lot of sheep, so take a soft cloth for wiping off the lanolin. It's also time to make a small pilgrimage to bury some tobacco up on the moorlands, you know the place and the brand. And remember, it never hurts to carry a medium-sized frying pan, since certain, erm, troubles can tend to recur. Today a former adversary will bring you a basket of eldritch-shaped biscuits; be nice to her, but don't teach her any of your special tricks. Today will be an interesting day altogether, can you say - and spell - "susurrus"? (a note for Susan: you will meet a tall dark stranger. Don't forget to thank him for the woolly scarf he gave you at the last family get-together).

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Tomorrow the Queen will ask you to tea. You could at least try to look honoured, and don't badger her to toast the marshmallows for you herself. Also, remember your place: Pewsey is not a suitable playmate to bring along for a young Princess. A barrel of vintage scumble (yes, the one from three weeks ago) will explode next Wednesday, so be sure the roof thatch is well watered and that there will be at least one extra daughter-in-law on hand for the clean-up. Drop down to the smithy and ask Jason to make you a new pair of toenail pliers before your next bath - the ricochets are getting dangerous. You might want to lay in a stock of dwarf bread, since a certain amorous personage of inconsiderable altitude will be passing your way at the end of the week, and uncork that old bottle of Genuan perfume to let it breathe for a few days. Or just douse yourself in scumble, the effect is pretty much the same.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

As soon as you wake up tomorrow morning, get dressed and go directly to the nearest apothecary shop. Once there, stock up copiously on emetics, anti-emetics, stomach soothers, gas dispersers, headache powders, nerve tonics, muscle tonics, eye drops, nose drops, sudden-blood-pressure-drop drops, every available medication to combat Klatchian Two-Step, rehydration powders, salt tablets, mood elevators, and a supply of clean cotton towels. Now you can go home and safely open the letter that will have landed on your doorstep: an invitation to the Reannual Growers' Wasters 'n' Tasters Ball. Be sure to have your medicines at the ready because the very opening of the envelope will set in motion a time-train culminating momentarily in - well, we all know about reannuals. In fact, you'd best be sitting down on the gazunda. Better safe than sorry!

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Life in the Watch can be boring and repetitive, but it can also sometimes be dangerous and exciting (if your idea of "exciting" is being chased by a flame-breathing Draco Nobilis, or a man with a gonne, or an insane power-crazed mutant Golem), and tomorrow may well be one of those latter times. Yes, the Koom Valley Commemorative Battle Games are on again this year, bigger and better than ever (if your idea of "better" is more clubs, more axes, more skull-bashing violence than ever seen in Morporkian peacetime). Make sure there's extra padding in your helmet and make very sure to wear your Protective. But don't polish your breastplate - that only makes you a better target. Also, take along your copy of the Dwarf-Morporkian and Troll-Morporkian phrasebooks. A Dwarf-Troll phrasebook would be handy, but the troll translators have only made it as far as Aarghhh.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

You forgot, didn't you? Yes, you did, you forgot to feed Hex's mouse again. So don't look so surprised when you get to the HEM Building tomorrow and discover that that delicate calculation you left running overnight has not only caused Hex to overheat and spew charred paper and roasted ants all over the room, but there's also a multidimensional vortex open in the tearoom and it's in the process of eating the walls and furniture and the vats of trifle Mrs Scorbic prepared for the midafternoon Faculty snack. Dearie me, when you make a Situation you don't do it by halves, do you? Tomorrow is a good day for travel, particularly around 11 a.m. when the Archchancellor hears about your little oversight. I suggest you drop round to your slightly psychic elderly auntie's house for the day, as she'll already have a meal prepared for you. And do feed the mouse next time.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

So you're feeling those unsettling pangs of existential angst lately? It might be your job getting to you. Life just isn't what it used to be. Back in the good old days, all you had to worry about was some enterprising younger colleague usurping your position - granted, the usurping generally involved horrible flaming death aimed at you while you were sleeping, but that went with the territory; nowadays there's a certain amount of job security, but it seems you can't turn around without encountering strange disturbances in the very fabric of reality before breakfast. Well, fear not. I am here to assure you that absolutely nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen this month! The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars is on the cusp of Okjok, and that means a month of blessed peace and calm. So go celebrate with a couple of extra helpings of trifle...oh, um, maybe not.

P.S. Go easy on that nice boy at the HEM Department, he means well.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Have you hugged your dragons lately? I know, the pressures and duties of new motherhood can be time-consuming, but let's not forget where the true centre of your affections lies! You'll be receiving an albatross post on the 9th from XXXX, telling you of a limited sale of new stock from the rare Worralorrasurfa saltwater dragon breeding lines; don't forget to place an order by return post. On Wednesday you'll have to have your man fish a pair of Assassins out of the ornamental pond again, so tell Cook to bake a few extra rounds of scones (it's been ever so quiet on that front lately, hasn't it? Sometimes it's nice to know that one's husband is less popular in some quarters). Speaking of your dear husband, dear old Ronnie will irritate him more than usual when you have him round to dinner next week, so make sure to keep the fireplace pokers well away from the table. Prognostication is such a useful thing when it comes to greasing the wheels of social intercourse.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

I have some utterly wonderful news for you: this month, at long last, the stars are aligned properly for you to stand a chance at breaking out of your silvered prison! Yes, the real world beckons. But which real world? How many are there? Is there one where your sister isn't waiting to thrash your behind again like she did the last time? I see you'll be standing in front of your mirror-pane on the 21st, marshaling your powers, concentrating your endless, arrogant fury, and then, in one sparkling octarine-tinged moment, you will...erm, you will discover that the only way your kharmic aura can counteract the prisoning spell is if you truly and honestly renounce all desire to interfere in the lives of others and lose your urge to interfere in narrative, I didn't think so. Oh well, enjoy your stay.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Two days from now, you will be hiding at the side of the Great Ankh Road when a heavily-laden posh coach comes by, and your cries of Stand and Deliver will cause a beautiful woman to swoon into your arms. Next Monday, you will be celebrating your haul in a Quirmian tavern when a bevy of beautiful women throw themselves at your feet. Next Tuesday, you will discover endless streets full of beautiful women, all admiring you. On Thursday, you will go for a long-overdue optician's appointment and be given a badly-needed pair of corrective spectacles. Five minutes after leaving the optician's shop, you will throw away your new glasses in horror and return to a life filled with beautiful women throwing themselves at you. The truth may set men free, but it has nothing on a shortsighted squint and a well-polished stepladder.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

In exactly two weeks' time, your life is going to take a new, exciting and satisfying turn. No more sneaking around practising in your Uncle Igor's surgery during the empty daylight hours! No more pretending that fetching new pair of blue eyes was the work of your Cousin Igor! No more laughter and why-bother lectures from Grandpapa Igor when you show off your latest piece of needlework! Yes, that's right, the Lady Sybil Hospital is about to move out of the Century of the Fruitbat and become an equal opportunity employer. So book your passage now to Ankh-Morpork, pack up your forceps in your old kit bag, and kithth your parenth and your Marthter goodbye, because you're heading off to a new career in the big bad city. And just think, after a few years' residency, you'll have enough reputation and money to open that Suture Self plastic surgery clinic in Bonk. Live the dream, Igorina. Live the dream.

Friday, July 30, 2004

July 2004

Hello my dear zodiac addicts, it's time for another dose of my arcane astroillogical wisdom(TM). Rather than telling you the usual should-I-get-out-of-bed-this-month hints, I'm going to have a serious talk about the traits and qualities of each Sign and of those born under it. Nothing frivolous here! -- as it happens, my frivol is in for repairs. So pull up a chair and get comfortable...

-- Lady Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: 'Hogs, Hoggers (not Hogwarts)

The typical 'Hog personality, as you already know, is short on temper and long on spikiness. Hoggers have a strong tendency to arrogance and can sometimes even be dangerous; they often have methodical minds, and a talent for prognostication is frequently part of the 'Hog profile -- although with that arrogance and spikiness, do you really care what happens in the future? Of course not, the future will just have to rearrange itself to suit you. The Adamant Hedgehog holds sway over matters of the feet, ankles, elbows and fingernails, and is often the Sign of Watchmen, athletes and Regimental Sergeant Majors.

SOME FAMOUS HOGGERS: Mrs Evadne Cake; Cheery Littlebottom; Lord Ronnie Rust; Lord Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh; Sergeant Jackrum.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gahooligans

The typical Gahooligan is thick-skinned, as we know. Gahooligans tend to be single-minded, and have the unusual quality of being simultaneously passionate and phlegmatic (note: this does not necessarily mean they have a tendency to runny noses); they make good civil servants, teachers, priests and creative independent entrepreneurs. A Gahooligan will hold to an argument, a viewpoint, or a potential customer with indefatigable enthusiasm. Gahoolie holds sway over the spleen, small intestine and those small fiddly island-shaped bits on the pancreas, which explains why Gahooligans are rarely addicted to sweets.

SOME FAMOUS GAHOOLIGANS: Reginald Shoe; Mustrum and Hughnon Ridcully; C.M.O.T. Dibbler; Ronald Saveloy.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Twosies

The typical Twosie is self-indulgent but also has a strongly developed pragmatic side; this tends to make for people who are perpetually at war with their desires and cravings, though it has to be said that sometimes that war is lost on one side or the other. The Two Fat Cousins is the Sign of headmistresses, chefs, governesses, minor government mandarins, and maiden aunts, and holds sway over the corpus callosum, sacrum, stiff upper lip and, um, reproductive organs. Twosies often act on their second thoughts, but can be very decisive...eventually.

SOME FAMOUS TWOSIES: Mrs Rosie Palm; Susan Sto Helit; the UU Chair of Indefinite Studies; Tiffany Aching; the Abbot of the History Monks.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Staffies

The typical Staffie loves luxury and comfort, and is often far more self-indulgent than a Twosie, lacking the same balance. Yet Staffies can also be very practical -- even calculating, you might say. In fact, if you encountered what we professional astrologer types call an Alpha Staffie, you would certainly say so, especially if the Staffie in question was a certain Lancrastian of the witchly persuasion. Staffies also have a deep love of gossip and love to tell stories. The Wizard's Staff and Knob holds sway over the mouth, tongue, eye muscles and index finger, and is often the sign of journalists, housekeepers and philosophers.

SOME FAMOUS STAFFIES: William de Worde; Gytha Ogg; Mrs Whitlow; Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite; many senior wizards.


Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Bilians, Chunderers

The typical Bilian tends to be nervous, somewhat pessimistic, and prone to digestive troubles. Bilians also often lack assertiveness and self-confidence, though at the same time they can be very forceful if pushed too far. If you meet a fretful, angst-ridden person with well-bitten fingernails and a gaunt, watchful look, chances are high that he or she is a Bilian (although in Roundworld, chances are equally high that he or she is a Goth...). Bilious holds sway over the stomach, liver and gall bladder, and is the Sign of accountants, sales managers, science teachers and hedge witches.

SOME FAMOUS BILIANS: Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU; HRH Magrat de Lancre; Agnes Nitt; C.W.St.J. (Nobby) Nobbs; Miss Perspicacia Tick.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Mubboons

The typical Mubboon's most notable quality is that of steadfastness. It's not so much that you can rely on a Mubboon to be trustworthy as it is that you can trust a Mubboon to be utterly what he or she seems to be! Mubboons can be concerned without being empathic, and like to get out and meet people. Mubbo the Hyena holds sway over the knees, nostrils and the hand that wields a sword or a ploughshare (or dunging fork), and is the Sign of merchants, innkeepers, care workers, actors, Fools - and barbarian heroes, a job that encompasses many of the qualities of the other ones!

SOME FAMOUS MUBBOONS: Cohen the Barbarian; HRH Verence II de Lancre; Fred Colon; Twoflower; Tomjon Vitoller.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Boring'uns

The typical Boring'un is a bit of a sad creature, poor thing: extremely safety-conscious, often methodical, dislikes excessive risk-taking, shall we say paranoid...the sort of person who, to put it gently, doesn't get out enough in the fresh air and tends to hug the wall at parties (a Boring'un would never be found in the kitchen -- there are far too many dangerous things there. Pineapples, for a start!) For these reasons, people born under the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars tend to be church deacons, proofreaders, library assistants and researchers in safe subjects; paradoxically, however, they also often tend to be magnets for distinctly unsafe situations. The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars holds sway over the adrenal glands, voluntary muscles, and heels -- a good thing since Boring'uns so often have to take to theirs.

SOME FAMOUS BORING'UNS: Rincewind; Mort; Ponder Stibbons; Constable Washpot Visit.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Okjokers

The typical Okjoker loves familiar, comfortable surroundings, and has a tendency to be casual to the point of, well, extreme casualness. Another common trait among those born under this Sign is a tendency to credulousness. To put it plainly, there's an Okjoker born every minute (oh, all right, every minute from 24 October to 22 November). But there are also what we call Type 2 Okjokers, and these are people to beware because while they might seem credulous types, underneath they're as sharp as tacks and twice as likely to do you major damage if crossed! Okjok holds sway over the teeth, chest and biceps, and is the Sign of -- unsurprisingly -- salesmen, long distance haulers, mercenary soldiers and secret royalty.

SOME FAMOUS OKJOKERS: Otto von Chriek; Mrs Vena McGarry; the Dean of UU; Carrot Ironfoundersson.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Footies or Footys

The typical Footy is an optimist, sometimes to the point of foolishness, and tends to view the world through rose-tinted spectacles. Footys enjoy travel and are often happy enough in their own company to be considered "something of a loner." They are also famously good with animals (sometimes they *are* animals). Great T'Phon's Foot holds sway over the shoulders, neck and, erm, bottom; typical Footy professions include sailors, explorers, animal rescuers, engineers, and proctologists. For some reason, an unusual numbers of Footys are born in Quirm. Go figure.

SOME FAMOUS FOOTIES: Her Grace Sybil, Duchess of Ankh; the Great Gaspode; Leonard of Quirm; Ponce da Quirm; Seldom Bucket.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Hokians (sometimes wrongly referred to as Hoki Cokeys)

The typical Hokian personality lends itself to brooders and deep thinkers, who are magically adept and sometimes shy, though with the right upbringing Hokians can be as arrogant as any Hogger ever born. Hoki is considered a lucky sign; certainly, many born under Hoki seem to rise to the top of their professions, often at the point of a sword or wand. Hoki the Jokester holds sway over the eyes, brain, navel and sixth sense, and is the traditional Sign of highwaymen, Grand Viziers, systems administrators and extremely powerful witches. You don't want to cross a Hokian, surely you don't.

SOME FAMOUS HOKIANS: Mrs Erzulie Gogol; Esmerelda Weatherwax; Lily Weatherwax; Lord Havelock Vetinari; Lord Hong.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gazundians, Potties

The typical Gazundian is a free spirit, unfettered by the binding conventions of a repressive society. In fact, many Gazundians tend to be unfettered by anything much, including clothing: the Gazunda is the Sign of exotic dancers, naturists and others who earn their living by removing clothing. Gazundians are often iconoclasts in general, and sometimes loners (Footies and Gazundians are the worst possible combination for lasting romance). The Rather Large Gazunda holds sway over the lips, abdominal muscles and pectorals, and is the traditional sign of Seamstresses, subversives and female adventurers.

SOME FAMOUS GAZUNDIANS: Lu-Tze the Sweeper; Count Giamo Casanunda; Conina; Angua von Uberwald.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Meese

The typical Moose is famously clever-fingered and artistic, with keen eyesight and a good grasp of spatial perception. Those born under the Sign of the Flying Moose tend to make good Cunning Artisans, seamstresses (note the lack of capitalisation), weavers, surgeons, thieves and counterfeiters; they often rise high in the ranks of Royal craftsmen, though it has to be said that Meese also make up a surprisingly large portion of the denizens of any municipal dungeon or scorpion pit. The Flying Moose holds sway over the heart, wrists and hindbrain, and is also a good sign for minstrels and troubadours. But not mimes. Never mimes. Take my word for this.

SOME FAMOUS MEESE: Rob Anybody Mac Feegle; Jason Ogg; B.S. Johnson; Dr "Mossy" Lawn; most Igors.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

June 2004

    Lady Asterisk reports that she has had to take on the duties of WOSSNAME Astrologer again this month, since last month's "special guests" were rather expensive :-), whatever that means.

    Here is her advance forecast for July 2004 on Roundworld.
    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Fruit: Pineapple

How appropriate that the spiky and dangerous pineapple should be the astro-illogical fruit of the spiky and dangerous Adamant Hedgehog! Those of you born under the 'Hog tend to short tempers. Bad news if you're also a dwarf with a penchant for wearing shorts: no way will you be able to avoid also being nasty and brutish. For all other 'Hogs at the loftier reaches of the Campaign For Equal Heights membership roster, take care to keep a smile on your face for as long as you can, and remember to count to ten when your temper is about to flare (for trolls, count to Many). A soothing bath in scented herbal oils can help overstressed 'Hogs, as can a cup of scented herbal tea. Better yet, one of Nanny Ogg's herbal health drinks (mostly apples) will keep you smiling like a monk. Your lucky colour is flesh pink, and your lucky number is 22.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Fruit: Orange

The juicy, invigorating fruit of the orange tree shares its qualities with your typical Gahooligan, who is fresh, zesty, pithy and often rather sour. Gahooligans tend to be thick-skinned and do not bruise easily, so they make good schoolteachers, priests, slave
traders, civil servants and debt collectors. Those of you born on the cusp of Hoki will find this a good month for consolidating money matters, especially someone else's. A stranger may ask you for alms; treat him as you normally would, though perhaps you should take a slightly gentler attitude towards his kneecaps. Attend a concert of carols or a Morris dancing demonstration on the 13th, where you can practise being nonjudgmental. Your lucky colour is puce - ha ha, bet you thought it would be orange - and your lucky number is 4 1/2.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

Fruit: Strawberry

The Twosie fruit is the lovely strawberry. So plump and florid, so soft and easygoing, so reminiscent of mouthwatering desserts after vast hearty dinners in the UU dining hall. What a
magnificent, marvellous, magisterial fruit for the monstrously magical membership of this masterful sign - I'm sorry, I got a bit carried away there. Ahem. Those born under the Two Fat Cousins
have a tendency to sensitive skin; if you live in XXXX where it's currently winter, be sure to wrap up well and moisturise to protect that tender integument. For Llamedosian Twosies, now frolicking among the henges and menhirs in the bloom of summer, do wear sunscreen so you won't end up looking like your astral fruit. Oh wait, there's never enough sunshine in Llamedos for any danger of that! Your lucky colour is burnt umber, and your lucky number is 14.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Fruit: Aubergine

So you thought the aubergine was a vegetable? Well, think again! The aubergine, also known to Fourecksians and some Howondaland tribes as the eggplant, is indeed a fruit, and a tasty one too. Its name derives from the Genuan "auberge" meaning inn, so the Staff is a good sign for those who dream of being innkeepers. It's also a good sign for soldiers (a relief to hear if you happen to
be a Borogravian innkeeper's daughter with designs on a military career). And we already know that Staffies love their food, so it's worth noting that the aubergine can be used in a variety of
healthful dishes and has very few of those pesky joule thingies so long as you don't smother it in olive oil and cheese like the Brindisians do. This month, be especially kind to cooks. Your lucky
colour is octarine, and your lucky number is 11.3165.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Fruit: Grape

Of course your fruit is the grape, what else could it be? I suppose if there's a fruit with special emetic properties - no, we'll stick with the grape. A noble fruit, ultimate source of all hangovers since the dawn of alcoholism. A fruit of many varieties, and delicious when dried. But the grape is not a fruit to be taken lightly, and neither should you be. This is a good time for Bilians to work on their assertiveness training, especially if you want to be ready to stand
up to personal challenges coming your way in the third week of the month. Don't let those brassy neighbours push you around! You could be the owner of your own winery if you learn to seize the day. Or the bottle. Consider investing in reannuals this month. Your lucky colour is burgundy, and your lucky number is 12 per cent.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Fruit: Pumpkin

Born under Mubbo? You did not choose the pumpkin, the pumpkin has chosen you! Favoured fruit of fairy godmothers and hungry Sto Plains travellers, the pumpkin is an indicator of honesty and the lack of artifice. There's no point in trying to keep secrets because your open pumpkin-face will give you away every time. Mubbles are also known for their kindness, understanding nature and gullibility. Good professions: agony aunt (though not Agony Aunt), careworker, tax assessor, Fool. Bad professions: spy, flim-flammer, seller of sausages inna bun. This month, be as much like
a pumpkin as you can; emphasise your steadfastness, wear your heart on your sleeve. Beware of soup factories and jack o' lantern carvers. Your lucky colour is khaki and your lucky number is 31.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Fruit: Kumquat

What an appropriate fruit for this sign. The kumquat is one of those strange Forn fruits created for humorous purposes; everyone knows its name but few people could describe it, or pick one out of a Watch identity parade. It sounds exotic and exciting and other words beginning with x, yet in reality it's unremarkable-looking, small, and, well, boring. But kumquats are good in jams, and
that's a quality you'll find handy when, for example, trying to escape the clutches of Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions, or mad gods, or persistent scythe-wielding anthropomorphic personifications. Boring'uns should take great care this month to avoid threatening scenery and anything that sounds exciting. Or exotic. Your lucky colour is yellow, and your lucky number is 3,
although you can start running at 2.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Fruit: Fig

Ah, figs. The fruit of seduction, the fruit of carelessness (why else would people say "I couldn't give a fig" eh?), and the vital ingredient of figgins, at least according to Nanny Ogg's Recipe Book - although I have my doubts about that last. Gytha does love her little jokes, and after all, there's no rabbit in Llamedosian Rabbit, and no toads in Toad In The Hole, and as for those funny little jumped-up biscuit tarts known as cheesecakes...but I digress. After last month's self-denial exercises, I think you Okjokers can afford to push the boat out a little, don't you? Try a short holiday in Brindisi or Genua, where you can relax in the sun and toast
your figgins with a clear conscience. Be sybaritic, be selfish, for in the great scheme of things, soft fruits must take advantage of their short season! Your lucky colour is electric blue, and your lucky number is 256 with a following wind.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Fruit: Apple

Was there ever a more famous fruit than the apple? The classical fruit of knowledge and temptation, the favourite fruit of Hexomancers, the first fruit in the alphabet, the fruit most likely to be chosen by dippy thespians when naming their firstborn...the fruit of a hundred delightful uses, and may the Sauce be with you! This month all Footies should indeed be saucy and fruitful, though if you're tripped it's a good idea not to fall too far from the tree. Those of you starting a new job should bear in mind the crispness and fresh taste of the apple when you present yourselves for that vital first day. And spare a copper or two for that unfortunate
drunk in the gutter: for all you know, he was brought to that low pass by a drink made of mostly apples. Your lucky colour is crimson, and your lucky number is 1.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Fruit: Cucumber

Another surprising astral fruit - and wasn't it certainly a surprise for poor Old Vincent! Cucumbers weave their way around the garden, and you can take that as a hint that you should be
tending to your social skills. Go out more. Learn to weave yourself into the intricate patterns of gossip and confidences as the subtle flavour of the cucumber weaves itself through a salad. Cultivate your more social handicrafts: join a sewing circle, or start a community quilt. Since cucumbers are good for the eyes, take extra care of your own eyes this month. What with all that social networking and eyecare skills, the last week of the month might be a good time to open that beauty salon you always dreamed of. Or to become a concubine: the Sultan of al-Ybi is hiring at the moment. Your lucky colour is melon green, and your lucky number is 7/12ths.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Fruit: Bananana

The bananana, or banana as Roundworlders prefer to spell it, is a most unusual fruit. Perhaps the fact that it has no seeds has something to do with its affinity for the Rather Large Gazunda,
what with it being the most frequent sign of orphans and the childless, to say nothing of all those famous Gazundian ecdysiasts. Yes, it's true, ladies born under the Gazunda have an affinity for peeling at the drop of a bananana skin, and why not? Mind your knees and elbows this month; a visit to the chiropodist wouldn't go amiss either. For the men, this month is a good one for replacing worn trousers and for consulting to local pox doctor about that troublesome hernia. Good things will come to you in hands, so long as you remember to beware of tarantulas. Your lucky colour is bone, and your lucky number is 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Fruit: Wahoonie

O, the wahoonie, most noble of all fruits! And largest. And smelliest. Was there ever a fruit with more cachet? - possibly, yes, but never one more egregious or infamous. You Meese are especially
blessed to be in resonance with this legendary fruit, and now that we're halfway through the year, your time has come to blossom. And it's time to come to your blossoms, too. Get out in the garden and prune, fertilise, dust, spray, rake! Too late now to gather nuts in May, so gather fruit in Grune and Spune. Don't forget to trim the haha and feed the carp in the ornamental pond. In fact, why not tidy and paint the whole outside of your house? Or the whole neighbourhood? Or even get into the spirit of the Big Wahoonie and paint the town red! Oh my, all this enthusiasm is making me feel quite dizzy. Um. Your lucky colour is black , and your lucky number is 7+1. I'm going to have a lie-down now, see you next month.

Monday, May 31, 2004

May 2004

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

    You'll be pleased to hear that the former Miss Asterisk has been promoted to the DW peerage and is now Lady Asterisk.
    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor, WOSSNAME

Here, at considerable personal cost to myself heheh, are the latest Discworld horoscopes from what one might call a select cadre of very, very special and on-topic guests. They're also longer than usual, but given the nature and rarity of the "writers", I thought you might not mind...
-- Lady Anaemia Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
by Mrs Evadne Cake, small medium

The one you met at the station tavern last week, I said! Green, yes, the purple one does your complexion no favours dearie. Of course he'd prefer to. No, no, tall, dark and called Ransom. eh? Oh, terribly sorry, I forgot to disconnect me premonition again. Hello Hedgehogs, this month you will meet a tall, dark stranger by the name of Ransom at the station tavern, be sure of it. Romance is on the cards if you wear a nice green dress and agree to let him take you to tea. For Hedgehog men, using the name Ransom when loitering at the station could bring you a lucky encounter and no mistake. Yer actual hedgehog knows all about being prepared for trouble and so should you, especially if you're the sort who gets funny turns when the moon's full, like our Ludmilla. This is a good month to consult a medium, look for one who gives reasonable rates. Now excuse me, someone's knocking on me crystal ball.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
by Reginald Shoe, A-M City Watch

Comrades, did you know that underprivileged and socially disadvantaged Gahooligans play a vital role in the balance of a free and evolving society? I'll bet you didn't! But now that you do, be sure to attend as many meetings and demos as you can this month. Speak out! Let the upper echelons of the privileged know how you feel! Reach for the very stars you were born under! And by the way, isn't it just typical that an important role is called "vital"? "Vital" this and "vital" that, you'd think the living were the only ones who matter. Hah! I'm a Gahooligan myself and I can tell you, comrades, I may not be vital but I'm certainly crucial! It's also a good month for singing uplifting songs, and if you attend the Fresh Start Club meeting on the 15th you'll be sure to find a good singalong. Cast no clouts until June, whatever that means, and be kind to cemetery-keepers. And now pardon me, I've got a grave to tidy.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
by Mrs Rosemary Palm, Seamstresses' Guild

Gather round, girls (you boys can gather round too, but it will cost you a...negotiable amount), and I'll tell you Twosies your horoscope for this month. Carlotta, do stop fiddling with your nightgown. Now, this month is all about giving. And giving, and giving. A sensible Twosie girl knows she has to make the best of what the Gods gave her, and make it while her assets are firm and her cheeks still dewy - Marielle, if you must giggle, please don't snort like a Sto Helit sow! The secret of effective giving lies in staying alert and sensitive to those around you: to their moods, to their tastes, to their desires. A few well-worded prayers to Petulia, Sessifet, and the Lady will set you in good stead, and at mid-month it's advisable to pray that Grune, the God of Unseasonal Fruit, does not smile upon you. Now back to work with the lot of you, and remember that the Elephants carry the world on their backs, so why should you do any less?

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
by William de Worde, editor, A-M Times

Let's talk about rumours and facts. We all know the power and speed of rumours; it's the getting to the facts behind them that really matters, but both are important, and I, William de Worde (27), wouldn't be making my ten dollars and sixpence a week as editor of the Times if I didn't know that. Now, I've noticed from reading our own weekly horoscope that "Staffies" tend to self-indulgence and are thus prone to indulging in passing along unsupported rumours, but take it from this intrepid reporter, you'd feel better about yourself if you applied a little discipline and checked your facts. Check and re-check, I always say. Otherwise you might end up losing your circulation, as a certain Mr Dibbler (52) found out! Exciting news will come your way from afar this month; read all the details in the Foreign News section. If you are looking for romance, you could try placing a line in our new Personals page (competitive rates, all species catered for).
p.s. run this in Number 8 Quirmian Gothick.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
by HRH Magrat of Lancre

You'll have to bear with me, I'm a bit, as it were, you know, rusty at this. Let me just get my sigils and herbs - no, no, Esmerelda dear, put the nasty toad's eye down and let Mummy work, there's a good young woman - ah, here we are. Right. Er. This month the stars favour a haircut. The most empowering time for a haircut will be on the second night of the full - no, wait, I've misread that rune, it should be halibut. The stars favour halibut? How odd. Oh well, moving along, I see that great spiritual power is in the air for Bilians born on the cusp of Hoki, and with proper application of mystical principles you will come closer to reaching your inner serenity. Romance is in the air too, isn't the air getting rather thick - sorry, Shawn must've forgot to change the herbs in the garderobe again. To learn the identity of your non-dominant significant other, try this spell I found at Desiderata Hollow's cottage: "Fish tail roasted in the fire, show this maid her heart's desire" - ah, that must be where the halibut comes into it. I'm terribly sorry but I have to leave now, Verence has fallen into the new compost extractor again. Blessed be.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
by Genghiz Cohen, Barbarian Hero

Around the Agatean Court I'm known as a man of few words and a big sword, but I allus b'lieved my destiny lay in the stars. Well, let's be honest eh, I b'lieved my destiny lay at the pointy end of a big sword, but we can't all be legendary barbarian heroes and don't let any bugger tell you different or you might end up having a very interestin', very short life. My Emperorical 'strologer One Crawling Worm, handy feller with a life-extending compliment, says people born under Mubbo 'd be well off becoming, f'rinstance, fat merchants, tavern keepers, or even members of somebody's palace guard (so long as you remember to duck behind a handy pillar if you see some old geezer with a broadsword wandering around the throne room crushin' jewels under his sandaled feet heheh). What we have here is a good month to spend a few days out in the fresh air of the steppes with some horse cheese and a few virgins t'sacrifice to the gods of your choice. Take care of your teeth, you'll appreciate 'em when you're old and confronted by the likes of a juicy walrus steak. Oh, and if you get bothered by any tax-gatherers, just tell 'em you're a pers'nal friend of mine and if they don't leave you alone the Emperor'll present 'em with their own guts for garters. Now, anybody got any good recipes for deep heat ointment?

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
by Ponder Stibbons, DtM, UU

Um. I'm not quite sure why I've been asked to do this column, since it's more in the Bursar's domain, or at least his corner of the ceiling. But I fed an astrological chart into Hex and got this printout:

    +++ Astronomical errors detected +++
    (lots of confusing number deleted)
    +++ Entities born under Small Boring Group of Faint Stars will experience exceptional clarity of thought this month due to unusual stellar radiation. Suggest they apply these heightened perceptions to reading up on natural philosophy and dangers of putting faith in false cults. Wednesdays good for travel until week of 26th. Encourage radishes +++
    (some indecipherable characters removed)
    +++ By the way you do realise this star chart is at least 4,000 years out of date don't you +++

Hex also told me to click on the mouse for more information, but Big Mad Adrian broke our only pair of castanets. Hope This Helps.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
by Otto von Chriek, iconographer at large

My dear, dear children of ze night, it giffs me such pleasure to cast ze Okjok horoscope for zis month! For zis is a month of discipline und denial. Sweet denial, a subject so precious to me, a subject zat makes my heart beat faster, or vould if I but had a heartbeat. So often ve are taught zat self-denial is a painful und unpleasant thing, but I assure you zhere is pleasure in ze pain of stringent self-discipline (und pleasure also in ze shall ve say inflicting of pain, but ve must...not...zink...about...zat). To deny oneself is to reach ein higher plane, even to become vun viss ze very stars. Denial is invigorating, denial is tasty, almost as tasty as ze fresh, pure flow in ze unpierced veins of - ah, let's not go zhere. So try fasting for a time zis month. It vill lighten your burdens, it vill inspire you, it vill cause your spirit to thirst for ze finer - no, no, mustn't zink about thirst, now I bathe me in ze clear vaters of...dear Igor, vould you join me in a few verses? And do varm up my flask of tomato juice, zank you!

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
by The Great Gaspode

Hello suckers. Gaspode here, bark bark whine hahaha. So you fought horoscopes was just fer humans an' other bipedal wossnames? Well, fink again. We o' the noble nearly-wolves fraternity also look to the stars fer guidance, I'll have you know, even if the average gatepost gives us types more guidance than the rest o' you can find wiv a Mappe an' a torch. For me Foot-y brev'ren, this's a month fer buildin' relationships, an' you'd be amazed at just how many relationships you can build every night at this time o' year. Good fortune will come yer way on the second Tuesday of the - oh wait, I keep fergettin' the rest o' you lot don't know how to read a calendar - on the 16th night the kitchen-maids at that posh Le Palais restaurant off Sator Square put out the rubbish an' scraps. I know this cos the humans' stars say that's a good night fer one o' dem banquet kinda fings. Lessee, the rest of it now...stay alert, maintain yer leg-liftin' rights, and never, ever give any lip - or tooth - to a hot blonde Ramtop wolfhound if she's wearin' a Watch badge on her collar. Gaspode out, bark bark growl, yeah right.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
by Mrs Erzulie Gogol of Genua

So you want me to tell you your fate according to Hoki, hmm. Why look to the stars? They're way far away in the sky and don't care about us folks at all. You got to look to the world around you, right there in your face, the trees, the birds, the swamp. Oh, and the jambalaya. Nothing like a good plate of jambalaya to tell you what's in store, and nobody does jambalayomancy like I does. So for what it's worth, I can tell you Hokians that you better keep a close eye on your housekeeping this month because a long lost relative will be coming to you looking for help, and that you really oughtta avoid walking near trees on the 22nd, and that a duck with two heads is likely to hatch in your yard sometime around the 11th, and that that dear friend you thought you could trust to the end of the world is going to take an unexpected plunge over the Circumfence if you know what I mean. And if you want to believe I know these things from reading the stars I got no problem with that. It's all true, but life's what you makes of it, and I tell you now, you can make a mighty fine stew outta that duck. Satisfied now? Don't fergit to leave a little consideration by the cauldron on your way out.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
by Lu-Tze the Sweeper

So you want to know the secrets of your destiny, eh? Us History Monks get asked that sort of thing all the time, you know. "How many children will I have?" "Will I be rich?" "What's the name of the winner of next month's Skund Royal Hundred Derby?" "Is there time for me to find crazy Uncle Ferny's secret hoard before the old coot pops his clogs?" Yak yakkety yak butter, like we'd tell you that stuff! Is it not written, that what we don't know can't hurt us? So let's just have a cuppa and a smoke and if you give me a few minutes of your time, ha, that's a good one, I'll give you a few tips for the next month. For is it not also written, if you don't ask you'll never find out? For example, if you were born under the Gazunda so to speak, it's plain as the chip stains on my robe that there's no point in your getting out of bed on the 7th, 13th, 19th and 28th of next month. Trust me, you'll feel much better for that. Also much more alive, and is it not written, where there's life there's hope? An ordinary-looking, pale stranger will try to involve you in great and terrible Happenings; give him a sharp smack on the bonce and don't let him follow you home. Muscle pains and a headache on the 20th are a timely, ha ha, reminder to avoid falling through any nearby time warps. For is it not written, watch that first step, it's a killer? Of course it is. More tea?

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
by Rob Anybody Mac Feegle

Crivens! Here I am only just havin' learnt the mysteries o' the readin' an' wrrritin' o' worrrds, an' I been asked to write a horrible scope! Ach, won't me darlin' Kelda be proud. Er, should I call the gonnagle in fer assistance? Oh all rrright then. I see the Moose is still loose in the hoose of Hoose, and after all, only a Feegle can say *that* proper-like. Ye canna be havin' wi' small ambitions this month, whether yer a bigjobs or no' - I hear tell the Moose is a good sign for those o' ye with clever fingers, so if ye canna' turn those fingers to a spot o' thievin', try a spot o' weavin', an' that's a fierce clever bit o' wordplay if I do say so meself. 'Tis a good month for the keepin' o' obblygations, so don't forget to take care o' yer geas. Shush, Daft Wullie, I know it ain't a bird! Tartan is yer lucky colour, I'm no' tellin' yer lucky number so don't ask or ye'll get a faceful o' heid. And now all this worrrdin' makes a pictsie thirsty, pass the Special Sheep Liniment an' buggerroff.

Friday, April 30, 2004

April 2004

by Miss Anaemia Asterisk

    Another report from our new correspondent on Discworld. Remember that stars ahead of the Turtle's line of flight change their position only very gradually as do the ones aft. The ones at right angles may easily alter their relative positions, however, so every so often the horoscope may have some new zodiac signs in it. We have adjusted the dates covered according to the Roundworld calendar, more or less.
    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Spring is in the air, unless you live in Fourecks where they're getting their woollies out and pretending it's nearly winter. And everyone knows what happens in Spring when the sap rises and the young maidens dance their vernal dances and yes, that's one o' them mettyfors so this is a month for keeping an eye on your daughters and also for making sure your dearly beloved doesn't catch you alone in the scullery at an inopportune time, unless your name is Ogg. Be careful to adjust your clacks antenna for seasonal temporal changes. Avoid squishi, after all it's nearly a month with no 'r' in it!

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

All good Gahooligans know to keep an eye on the skies this month. Why, do I hear you ask? Because this is the time of year you're most likely to get hit by a rain of fish, especially if you live near Slice. By sheer coincidence, your horoscope recommends you eat a lot of fish this month, so make sure you carry a frying pan with you at all times. The next month will see a marked rise in your powers of prognostication. Of course, by the time you get around to reading this you already knew that.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

Didn't you do well avoiding that Assassin last month! It just goes to show that astrology has its uses. Now that you've honed your reflexes, it's time to think about fitness classes. You might trot along to Brother Badrep's Xtreme Self Defence dojo in Gleam Street; who knows, you could even show them a few new moves while you keep your skills sharp. And you don't even have to buy a martial arts cossie because you have a fine hardly-worn suit of black clothing. Stay away from high-carb foods, no clootie dumplings for you this month, and make sure to keep up your garlic infusions, since vampires are very unintimidated by black clothing.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Those of you born under the sign of the Staff do love your hot dinners. Like Roundworld Taureans, Staffies have an inborn love of pleasure and luxury. That's why you really, really do need to avoid the new Wienrich & Boettcher chocolaterie now open in Turnwise Broadway. For that matter, avoid the original W&B shop in Zephire Street as well. Just stick to your fallback Higgs & Meakins assortments, or better still, lay off the chocolates altogether. Who knows, you might even rediscover what your feet look like. If you are a wizard, do not meddle in the affairs of hedgehogs, for they -- ah, everybody knows that one already. Although as the Widdershins Star moves into the third quarter, you might want to invite one to tea.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Bilious holds sway over the organs of the middle body, particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder. Have you been taking care of yours? For that matter, do you even know what a gall bladder looks like? Nine out of ten people wouldn't recognise their own gall bladders when shown a clear and distinct iconograph of them! So unless you're that lucky tenth person, take it on faith that you should treat yours better. After all, "holds sway over" doesn't mean the same thing as "protects". Today's hangover could be tomorrow's Igor bill. Peppermints will bring luck. Avoid mixed drinks with small umbrellas in them, particularly if they were ordered by the ape at the next table.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

"All the world's a stage." And how many of us have secretly wanted to take a turn on the boards of the Dysk or Lord Wynkin's Men? This month, why not let out the actor in yourself: impersonate one of the posh nobs in Scoone Avenue, or a Watchman, or a priest of Offler, just to see what happens. Don't say I told you to, of course. A small round stranger may give you something precious in the third week of the month; be sure no one sees this happening. Mubboons can expect an upturn in romantic matters when the Moon enters the House of Squamose. Beware of eels.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Pay no attention to what they're whispering about you in those dark corners: this month, the world is your starfish. Yes, your ship is coming in at last. Remember those shares in the Leshp Land Redevelopment Company I told you to buy a few months ago? Well, they're finally rising again, and what with you being a wise astrologically guided investor, your future is going to be - what do you mean I never gave you that tip? But I'm sure I told you why I, too, was investing heavily in - erm, terribly sorry, I seem to have misread your horoscope. Prepare for a tight month of stale cheese rinds, and under no circumstances commit violence upon wealthy ex-astrologers.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Friendships are important, and never moreso than this month for those born under that discount sign of the Salesman. Follow your stars to Dibbler's Fine Pre-Owned Jewels Emporium in Sator Square, where you can find the perfect gifts to show your friends how much you value them. They say a true friend is a pearl beyond price, but Mr Dibbler can sort you out with pearls that aren't beyond your price range, so long as you don't mind a certain lingering sausagey smell clinging to the tasteful gift boxes. Or perhaps you'd prefer to show your affection with homemade ironcrafts from Gundar Stormbasher's shop in Silver Street. Keep yourself vigilant against the dangerous Okjoker tendency to credulousness; you don't want those advertising types dictating your lifestyle, do you? Be sure to tell Gundar I sent you.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Spring is upon us: bet you a dollar you haven't yet sown those reannual dandelions and elderberries you drank last year! Do it in the second week of this month of There Will Be Trouble And No Mistake. A good month to work on your natural Footy optimism. No, not your natural footy optimism. Be honest now, you never thought Quirm Wanderers would make it out of the Fourth Division, sure you didn't. Have you never noticed that "fool" is right next to "football" in the Revised Morpork Dictionary? Take especial care when sweeping in corners, because we're coming into poltergeist season. A close friend will reveal an amazing secret; writing about it to the Times is not recommended, unless you're fond of angry men with pitchforks invading your garden.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Laugh and the world laughs with you, so polish those little bells on your cap and bring a smile to your neighbours. They say there's no Fool like an old Fool, but it's never too early to learn Foolishness, or if you're a practising Omnian fundamentalist, Damned Foolishness. You will receive a mysterious message on the 27th. If you're a Borogravian male of national-service age, the 26th would be a good time to take that Disc-wide voyage of discovery you always dreamed about. For Hokian trolls and other silicon-based life forms, this is a good month to polish those pesky lichen patches, for romance is in the air. Be kind to bonsai mountains and don't forget to write home to their parents.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Cleanliness is next to godliness, so which god would you like to be next to this month? A good spring clean will bring you that bit closer to Dunmanifestin. Offlerians: a good eyewash potion from your local witch will stop those crocodile tears. Nugganites: try carbonate of soda to remove those telltale traces of garlic scent in your pantry. Hernians: lemon juice is good for restoring sweetness to the insides of your running shoes. Bel-Shamharothees: when's the last time you wiped the ichor stains off your copy of the Necrotelicomnicon? Omians: time to tidy up your back issues of Explanatory Pamphlets and that Heed The Call magazines. Spiritualists: oh, come on, how do you expect to see anything in a crystal ball unless you can see the crystal? Honestly, some people.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Family, what would we be without them? Well, orphans for a start. Cough up for a clacks or a pigeon to your dear old parents this month. Take some time to strengthen or reestablish family ties. The Moose is loose in the House of Hoose this month, and that means close family relationships will be especially rewarding. In other words, cozen up to your nonagenarian great-aunties while they still have the strength to write a new will. A neighbour may attack you with words on the 19th, so if you have any relatives in the legal profession, this is a wise time to flatter them like nobody's business. If you see a glowing mushroom at the bottom of your garden, be sure to pick it and include it in a stoo; your future will be very bright. Also very full of pink elephants for a few days. Avoid albatrosses.