Monday, May 31, 2004

May 2004

by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

    You'll be pleased to hear that the former Miss Asterisk has been promoted to the DW peerage and is now Lady Asterisk.
    -- Joe Schaumburger, editor, WOSSNAME

Here, at considerable personal cost to myself heheh, are the latest Discworld horoscopes from what one might call a select cadre of very, very special and on-topic guests. They're also longer than usual, but given the nature and rarity of the "writers", I thought you might not mind...
-- Lady Anaemia Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
by Mrs Evadne Cake, small medium

The one you met at the station tavern last week, I said! Green, yes, the purple one does your complexion no favours dearie. Of course he'd prefer to. No, no, tall, dark and called Ransom. eh? Oh, terribly sorry, I forgot to disconnect me premonition again. Hello Hedgehogs, this month you will meet a tall, dark stranger by the name of Ransom at the station tavern, be sure of it. Romance is on the cards if you wear a nice green dress and agree to let him take you to tea. For Hedgehog men, using the name Ransom when loitering at the station could bring you a lucky encounter and no mistake. Yer actual hedgehog knows all about being prepared for trouble and so should you, especially if you're the sort who gets funny turns when the moon's full, like our Ludmilla. This is a good month to consult a medium, look for one who gives reasonable rates. Now excuse me, someone's knocking on me crystal ball.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
by Reginald Shoe, A-M City Watch

Comrades, did you know that underprivileged and socially disadvantaged Gahooligans play a vital role in the balance of a free and evolving society? I'll bet you didn't! But now that you do, be sure to attend as many meetings and demos as you can this month. Speak out! Let the upper echelons of the privileged know how you feel! Reach for the very stars you were born under! And by the way, isn't it just typical that an important role is called "vital"? "Vital" this and "vital" that, you'd think the living were the only ones who matter. Hah! I'm a Gahooligan myself and I can tell you, comrades, I may not be vital but I'm certainly crucial! It's also a good month for singing uplifting songs, and if you attend the Fresh Start Club meeting on the 15th you'll be sure to find a good singalong. Cast no clouts until June, whatever that means, and be kind to cemetery-keepers. And now pardon me, I've got a grave to tidy.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
by Mrs Rosemary Palm, Seamstresses' Guild

Gather round, girls (you boys can gather round too, but it will cost you a...negotiable amount), and I'll tell you Twosies your horoscope for this month. Carlotta, do stop fiddling with your nightgown. Now, this month is all about giving. And giving, and giving. A sensible Twosie girl knows she has to make the best of what the Gods gave her, and make it while her assets are firm and her cheeks still dewy - Marielle, if you must giggle, please don't snort like a Sto Helit sow! The secret of effective giving lies in staying alert and sensitive to those around you: to their moods, to their tastes, to their desires. A few well-worded prayers to Petulia, Sessifet, and the Lady will set you in good stead, and at mid-month it's advisable to pray that Grune, the God of Unseasonal Fruit, does not smile upon you. Now back to work with the lot of you, and remember that the Elephants carry the world on their backs, so why should you do any less?

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
by William de Worde, editor, A-M Times

Let's talk about rumours and facts. We all know the power and speed of rumours; it's the getting to the facts behind them that really matters, but both are important, and I, William de Worde (27), wouldn't be making my ten dollars and sixpence a week as editor of the Times if I didn't know that. Now, I've noticed from reading our own weekly horoscope that "Staffies" tend to self-indulgence and are thus prone to indulging in passing along unsupported rumours, but take it from this intrepid reporter, you'd feel better about yourself if you applied a little discipline and checked your facts. Check and re-check, I always say. Otherwise you might end up losing your circulation, as a certain Mr Dibbler (52) found out! Exciting news will come your way from afar this month; read all the details in the Foreign News section. If you are looking for romance, you could try placing a line in our new Personals page (competitive rates, all species catered for).
p.s. run this in Number 8 Quirmian Gothick.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
by HRH Magrat of Lancre

You'll have to bear with me, I'm a bit, as it were, you know, rusty at this. Let me just get my sigils and herbs - no, no, Esmerelda dear, put the nasty toad's eye down and let Mummy work, there's a good young woman - ah, here we are. Right. Er. This month the stars favour a haircut. The most empowering time for a haircut will be on the second night of the full - no, wait, I've misread that rune, it should be halibut. The stars favour halibut? How odd. Oh well, moving along, I see that great spiritual power is in the air for Bilians born on the cusp of Hoki, and with proper application of mystical principles you will come closer to reaching your inner serenity. Romance is in the air too, isn't the air getting rather thick - sorry, Shawn must've forgot to change the herbs in the garderobe again. To learn the identity of your non-dominant significant other, try this spell I found at Desiderata Hollow's cottage: "Fish tail roasted in the fire, show this maid her heart's desire" - ah, that must be where the halibut comes into it. I'm terribly sorry but I have to leave now, Verence has fallen into the new compost extractor again. Blessed be.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
by Genghiz Cohen, Barbarian Hero

Around the Agatean Court I'm known as a man of few words and a big sword, but I allus b'lieved my destiny lay in the stars. Well, let's be honest eh, I b'lieved my destiny lay at the pointy end of a big sword, but we can't all be legendary barbarian heroes and don't let any bugger tell you different or you might end up having a very interestin', very short life. My Emperorical 'strologer One Crawling Worm, handy feller with a life-extending compliment, says people born under Mubbo 'd be well off becoming, f'rinstance, fat merchants, tavern keepers, or even members of somebody's palace guard (so long as you remember to duck behind a handy pillar if you see some old geezer with a broadsword wandering around the throne room crushin' jewels under his sandaled feet heheh). What we have here is a good month to spend a few days out in the fresh air of the steppes with some horse cheese and a few virgins t'sacrifice to the gods of your choice. Take care of your teeth, you'll appreciate 'em when you're old and confronted by the likes of a juicy walrus steak. Oh, and if you get bothered by any tax-gatherers, just tell 'em you're a pers'nal friend of mine and if they don't leave you alone the Emperor'll present 'em with their own guts for garters. Now, anybody got any good recipes for deep heat ointment?

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
by Ponder Stibbons, DtM, UU

Um. I'm not quite sure why I've been asked to do this column, since it's more in the Bursar's domain, or at least his corner of the ceiling. But I fed an astrological chart into Hex and got this printout:

    +++ Astronomical errors detected +++
    (lots of confusing number deleted)
    +++ Entities born under Small Boring Group of Faint Stars will experience exceptional clarity of thought this month due to unusual stellar radiation. Suggest they apply these heightened perceptions to reading up on natural philosophy and dangers of putting faith in false cults. Wednesdays good for travel until week of 26th. Encourage radishes +++
    (some indecipherable characters removed)
    +++ By the way you do realise this star chart is at least 4,000 years out of date don't you +++

Hex also told me to click on the mouse for more information, but Big Mad Adrian broke our only pair of castanets. Hope This Helps.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
by Otto von Chriek, iconographer at large

My dear, dear children of ze night, it giffs me such pleasure to cast ze Okjok horoscope for zis month! For zis is a month of discipline und denial. Sweet denial, a subject so precious to me, a subject zat makes my heart beat faster, or vould if I but had a heartbeat. So often ve are taught zat self-denial is a painful und unpleasant thing, but I assure you zhere is pleasure in ze pain of stringent self-discipline (und pleasure also in ze shall ve say inflicting of pain, but ve must...not...zink...about...zat). To deny oneself is to reach ein higher plane, even to become vun viss ze very stars. Denial is invigorating, denial is tasty, almost as tasty as ze fresh, pure flow in ze unpierced veins of - ah, let's not go zhere. So try fasting for a time zis month. It vill lighten your burdens, it vill inspire you, it vill cause your spirit to thirst for ze finer - no, no, mustn't zink about thirst, now I bathe me in ze clear vaters of...dear Igor, vould you join me in a few verses? And do varm up my flask of tomato juice, zank you!

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
by The Great Gaspode

Hello suckers. Gaspode here, bark bark whine hahaha. So you fought horoscopes was just fer humans an' other bipedal wossnames? Well, fink again. We o' the noble nearly-wolves fraternity also look to the stars fer guidance, I'll have you know, even if the average gatepost gives us types more guidance than the rest o' you can find wiv a Mappe an' a torch. For me Foot-y brev'ren, this's a month fer buildin' relationships, an' you'd be amazed at just how many relationships you can build every night at this time o' year. Good fortune will come yer way on the second Tuesday of the - oh wait, I keep fergettin' the rest o' you lot don't know how to read a calendar - on the 16th night the kitchen-maids at that posh Le Palais restaurant off Sator Square put out the rubbish an' scraps. I know this cos the humans' stars say that's a good night fer one o' dem banquet kinda fings. Lessee, the rest of it now...stay alert, maintain yer leg-liftin' rights, and never, ever give any lip - or tooth - to a hot blonde Ramtop wolfhound if she's wearin' a Watch badge on her collar. Gaspode out, bark bark growl, yeah right.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
by Mrs Erzulie Gogol of Genua

So you want me to tell you your fate according to Hoki, hmm. Why look to the stars? They're way far away in the sky and don't care about us folks at all. You got to look to the world around you, right there in your face, the trees, the birds, the swamp. Oh, and the jambalaya. Nothing like a good plate of jambalaya to tell you what's in store, and nobody does jambalayomancy like I does. So for what it's worth, I can tell you Hokians that you better keep a close eye on your housekeeping this month because a long lost relative will be coming to you looking for help, and that you really oughtta avoid walking near trees on the 22nd, and that a duck with two heads is likely to hatch in your yard sometime around the 11th, and that that dear friend you thought you could trust to the end of the world is going to take an unexpected plunge over the Circumfence if you know what I mean. And if you want to believe I know these things from reading the stars I got no problem with that. It's all true, but life's what you makes of it, and I tell you now, you can make a mighty fine stew outta that duck. Satisfied now? Don't fergit to leave a little consideration by the cauldron on your way out.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
by Lu-Tze the Sweeper

So you want to know the secrets of your destiny, eh? Us History Monks get asked that sort of thing all the time, you know. "How many children will I have?" "Will I be rich?" "What's the name of the winner of next month's Skund Royal Hundred Derby?" "Is there time for me to find crazy Uncle Ferny's secret hoard before the old coot pops his clogs?" Yak yakkety yak butter, like we'd tell you that stuff! Is it not written, that what we don't know can't hurt us? So let's just have a cuppa and a smoke and if you give me a few minutes of your time, ha, that's a good one, I'll give you a few tips for the next month. For is it not also written, if you don't ask you'll never find out? For example, if you were born under the Gazunda so to speak, it's plain as the chip stains on my robe that there's no point in your getting out of bed on the 7th, 13th, 19th and 28th of next month. Trust me, you'll feel much better for that. Also much more alive, and is it not written, where there's life there's hope? An ordinary-looking, pale stranger will try to involve you in great and terrible Happenings; give him a sharp smack on the bonce and don't let him follow you home. Muscle pains and a headache on the 20th are a timely, ha ha, reminder to avoid falling through any nearby time warps. For is it not written, watch that first step, it's a killer? Of course it is. More tea?

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
by Rob Anybody Mac Feegle

Crivens! Here I am only just havin' learnt the mysteries o' the readin' an' wrrritin' o' worrrds, an' I been asked to write a horrible scope! Ach, won't me darlin' Kelda be proud. Er, should I call the gonnagle in fer assistance? Oh all rrright then. I see the Moose is still loose in the hoose of Hoose, and after all, only a Feegle can say *that* proper-like. Ye canna be havin' wi' small ambitions this month, whether yer a bigjobs or no' - I hear tell the Moose is a good sign for those o' ye with clever fingers, so if ye canna' turn those fingers to a spot o' thievin', try a spot o' weavin', an' that's a fierce clever bit o' wordplay if I do say so meself. 'Tis a good month for the keepin' o' obblygations, so don't forget to take care o' yer geas. Shush, Daft Wullie, I know it ain't a bird! Tartan is yer lucky colour, I'm no' tellin' yer lucky number so don't ask or ye'll get a faceful o' heid. And now all this worrrdin' makes a pictsie thirsty, pass the Special Sheep Liniment an' buggerroff.

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