by Miss Anaemia Asterisk
- Another report from our new correspondent on Discworld. Remember that stars ahead of the Turtle's line of flight change their position only very gradually as do the ones aft. The ones at right angles may easily alter their relative positions, however, so every so often the horoscope may have some new zodiac signs in it. We have adjusted the dates covered according to the Roundworld calendar, more or less.
-- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Spring is in the air, unless you live in Fourecks where they're getting their woollies out and pretending it's nearly winter. And everyone knows what happens in Spring when the sap rises and the young maidens dance their vernal dances and yes, that's one o' them mettyfors so this is a month for keeping an eye on your daughters and also for making sure your dearly beloved doesn't catch you alone in the scullery at an inopportune time, unless your name is Ogg. Be careful to adjust your clacks antenna for seasonal temporal changes. Avoid squishi, after all it's nearly a month with no 'r' in it!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
All good Gahooligans know to keep an eye on the skies this month. Why, do I hear you ask? Because this is the time of year you're most likely to get hit by a rain of fish, especially if you live near Slice. By sheer coincidence, your horoscope recommends you eat a lot of fish this month, so make sure you carry a frying pan with you at all times. The next month will see a marked rise in your powers of prognostication. Of course, by the time you get around to reading this you already knew that.
The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
Didn't you do well avoiding that Assassin last month! It just goes to show that astrology has its uses. Now that you've honed your reflexes, it's time to think about fitness classes. You might trot along to Brother Badrep's Xtreme Self Defence dojo in Gleam Street; who knows, you could even show them a few new moves while you keep your skills sharp. And you don't even have to buy a martial arts cossie because you have a fine hardly-worn suit of black clothing. Stay away from high-carb foods, no clootie dumplings for you this month, and make sure to keep up your garlic infusions, since vampires are very unintimidated by black clothing.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Those of you born under the sign of the Staff do love your hot dinners. Like Roundworld Taureans, Staffies have an inborn love of pleasure and luxury. That's why you really, really do need to avoid the new Wienrich & Boettcher chocolaterie now open in Turnwise Broadway. For that matter, avoid the original W&B shop in Zephire Street as well. Just stick to your fallback Higgs & Meakins assortments, or better still, lay off the chocolates altogether. Who knows, you might even rediscover what your feet look like. If you are a wizard, do not meddle in the affairs of hedgehogs, for they -- ah, everybody knows that one already. Although as the Widdershins Star moves into the third quarter, you might want to invite one to tea.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilious holds sway over the organs of the middle body, particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder. Have you been taking care of yours? For that matter, do you even know what a gall bladder looks like? Nine out of ten people wouldn't recognise their own gall bladders when shown a clear and distinct iconograph of them! So unless you're that lucky tenth person, take it on faith that you should treat yours better. After all, "holds sway over" doesn't mean the same thing as "protects". Today's hangover could be tomorrow's Igor bill. Peppermints will bring luck. Avoid mixed drinks with small umbrellas in them, particularly if they were ordered by the ape at the next table.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
"All the world's a stage." And how many of us have secretly wanted to take a turn on the boards of the Dysk or Lord Wynkin's Men? This month, why not let out the actor in yourself: impersonate one of the posh nobs in Scoone Avenue, or a Watchman, or a priest of Offler, just to see what happens. Don't say I told you to, of course. A small round stranger may give you something precious in the third week of the month; be sure no one sees this happening. Mubboons can expect an upturn in romantic matters when the Moon enters the House of Squamose. Beware of eels.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Pay no attention to what they're whispering about you in those dark corners: this month, the world is your starfish. Yes, your ship is coming in at last. Remember those shares in the Leshp Land Redevelopment Company I told you to buy a few months ago? Well, they're finally rising again, and what with you being a wise astrologically guided investor, your future is going to be - what do you mean I never gave you that tip? But I'm sure I told you why I, too, was investing heavily in - erm, terribly sorry, I seem to have misread your horoscope. Prepare for a tight month of stale cheese rinds, and under no circumstances commit violence upon wealthy ex-astrologers.
Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Friendships are important, and never moreso than this month for those born under that discount sign of the Salesman. Follow your stars to Dibbler's Fine Pre-Owned Jewels Emporium in Sator Square, where you can find the perfect gifts to show your friends how much you value them. They say a true friend is a pearl beyond price, but Mr Dibbler can sort you out with pearls that aren't beyond your price range, so long as you don't mind a certain lingering sausagey smell clinging to the tasteful gift boxes. Or perhaps you'd prefer to show your affection with homemade ironcrafts from Gundar Stormbasher's shop in Silver Street. Keep yourself vigilant against the dangerous Okjoker tendency to credulousness; you don't want those advertising types dictating your lifestyle, do you? Be sure to tell Gundar I sent you.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Spring is upon us: bet you a dollar you haven't yet sown those reannual dandelions and elderberries you drank last year! Do it in the second week of this month of There Will Be Trouble And No Mistake. A good month to work on your natural Footy optimism. No, not your natural footy optimism. Be honest now, you never thought Quirm Wanderers would make it out of the Fourth Division, sure you didn't. Have you never noticed that "fool" is right next to "football" in the Revised Morpork Dictionary? Take especial care when sweeping in corners, because we're coming into poltergeist season. A close friend will reveal an amazing secret; writing about it to the Times is not recommended, unless you're fond of angry men with pitchforks invading your garden.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Laugh and the world laughs with you, so polish those little bells on your cap and bring a smile to your neighbours. They say there's no Fool like an old Fool, but it's never too early to learn Foolishness, or if you're a practising Omnian fundamentalist, Damned Foolishness. You will receive a mysterious message on the 27th. If you're a Borogravian male of national-service age, the 26th would be a good time to take that Disc-wide voyage of discovery you always dreamed about. For Hokian trolls and other silicon-based life forms, this is a good month to polish those pesky lichen patches, for romance is in the air. Be kind to bonsai mountains and don't forget to write home to their parents.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Cleanliness is next to godliness, so which god would you like to be next to this month? A good spring clean will bring you that bit closer to Dunmanifestin. Offlerians: a good eyewash potion from your local witch will stop those crocodile tears. Nugganites: try carbonate of soda to remove those telltale traces of garlic scent in your pantry. Hernians: lemon juice is good for restoring sweetness to the insides of your running shoes. Bel-Shamharothees: when's the last time you wiped the ichor stains off your copy of the Necrotelicomnicon? Omians: time to tidy up your back issues of Explanatory Pamphlets and that Heed The Call magazines. Spiritualists: oh, come on, how do you expect to see anything in a crystal ball unless you can see the crystal? Honestly, some people.
The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Family, what would we be without them? Well, orphans for a start. Cough up for a clacks or a pigeon to your dear old parents this month. Take some time to strengthen or reestablish family ties. The Moose is loose in the House of Hoose this month, and that means close family relationships will be especially rewarding. In other words, cozen up to your nonagenarian great-aunties while they still have the strength to write a new will. A neighbour may attack you with words on the 19th, so if you have any relatives in the legal profession, this is a wise time to flatter them like nobody's business. If you see a glowing mushroom at the bottom of your garden, be sure to pick it and include it in a stoo; your future will be very bright. Also very full of pink elephants for a few days. Avoid albatrosses.
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