Monday, December 31, 2007



Cert here, posting on behalf of Alice, wherever and whatever she is. As you can see, I managed to make it out of the Mage Wars wastes. Took a while to get functional-shaped again. Actually, I'm not me-shaped again yet, but I can hold a pen in my beak so it could be worse. I'm not good with writing, much, but I did find some copies of Alice's songs and poems and one of them is appropriate to the season so I'm posting it here. Wishing you all a happy Hogswatch and wishing myself the good fortune to stop being a parrot. Then again, I'm going to carry on trying to find Alice, so being able to fly without a carpet has a sort of advantage. Wish me luck.

    by Weird Alice Lancrevic

    Twas Hogswatch, and the savvy youths
    Did slyly grin as sleep they feigned
    All tinselled were the icy roofs
    And the Hogfather reigned

    'Beware the pig-shaped choccy buns!
    'The drunken fights, the booze'd collapse!
    'Beware the lemon curd, and shun
    'Voluminous brandy-snaps!'

    We took our chunder-cures in hand
    Pork rinds and sausage pie we bought
    Then rested we as the clock struck three
    And had a wily thought

    And as we hid, with prying eyes
    The Hogfather (with list of names)
    Came jingling through the wintry skies
    HO. HO. HO. as he came!

    One-two, one-two! The ham's sliced through!
    Its charcoaled skin was bright as chrome
    We played Charades, then thanked the Gods
    And went galumphing home

    'And hast thou drained the scumble-pot?
    'Don't be alarmed, my wee pished bairn!'
    O scabrous daze, me head's all glazed!
    We mortals never learn...

    Twas Hogswatch, and the savvy youths
    Did slyly grin as sleep they feigned
    All tinselled were the icy roofs
    And the Hogfather reigned.

Editor's note: Hoggerwatchy is dedicated to Gytha Fiona and Wincantonbury Tales.

December 2007


by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


Greetings, O seekers of the wisdom of the stars! Blessings upon you from Anoia, my personal Goddess of the Month, and may the Cow of Heaven fall lightly upon your cusp and not trample you with her celestial hooves!

It's been recently brought to my attention that - despite my years as a well-paid, I mean, well-known practitioner of the Discly astro-illogical Arts - far too many people know far too little about the heavenly Signs that govern their lives. To ameliorate this benightedness, I have put considerable effort into putting together what the Technomancers call a "database" (although why they want to abase dates, I'm sure I don't know; I prefer sultanas myself). Hereinunder, and also possibly just under here, is an at-a-glance picture of the current Signs and the respective traits, qualities, and other vital information that makes up each Zodiacal profile... and when I say "makes up", let me assure you that hours, no, years have been spent studying the stars. Do I look like the sort of person who makes things up? Hah!

Remember, knowing your exact day of birth is very important, as A'Tuin's travels take us into the realm of different constellations. Even when the name of your Sign changes, its mystical influences remain the same. Except when they don't. Which is why you'll always need the services of a professional astrologer, see? I love it when a plan comes together...

Lady Anaemia Asterisk,
(Astrologer, letters written, light cleaning services available, leave your card with my Igor)

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

Born-unders commonly known as: 'Hogs, Hoggers
fruit: pineapple
colour: flesh pink
number: 22
letter: S
matching Agatean sign: the Blowfish
known to influence: feet, ankles, elbows, fingernails
traditional Sign of: Watchmen, athletes, Regimental Sergeant-majors

Hoggers are typically short-tempered, arrogant, and prone to being spiky and dangerous. Many have a talent for prognostication. They especially enjoy shouting, mot of all at subordinates.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

Born-unders commonly known as: Gahooligans
fruit: orange
colour: puce
number: 4 1/2
letter: A
matching Agatean sign: the Reciprocating Fox
known to influence: spleen, shoulders, those small fiddly island-shaped bits on the pancreas.
traditional Sign of: schoolteachers, priests, slave traders, civil servants, debt collectors, entrepreneurs.

Gahooligans are typically fresh, zesty, pithy and often rather sour; they tend to be thick-skinned and do not bruise easily. They are single-minded and simultaneously passionate and phlegmatic, and make good communicators.

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

Born-unders commonly known as: Hernians
fruit: strawberry
colour: burnt umber
number: 14
letter: M
matching Agatean sign: the Heavenly Tourist
known to influence: corpus callosum, sacrum, stiff upper lip, reproductive organs
traditional Sign of: headmistresses, chefs, governesses, minor government mandarins, maiden aunts

Hernians typically have a tendency to sensitive skin. They are self-indulgent but also have a strongly developed pragmatic side; this tends to make for people who are perpetually at war with their desires and cravings, though it has to be said that sometimes that war is lost on one side or the other.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

Born-unders commonly known as: Staffies
fruit: aubergine
colour: octarine
number: 11.3165
letter: G
matching Agatean sign: the Hoarse Whisperer
known to influence: mouth, tongue, eye muscles, index finger
traditional Sign of: soldiers, innkeepers, journalists, housekeepers and philosophers

Staffies have an inborn love of pleasure and luxury, and are prone to indulging in passing along unsupported rumours. Often far more self-indulgent than a Hernian, lacking the same balance, yet Staffies can also be very practical - even calculating.

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

Born-unders commonly known as: Bilians, or Chunderers
fruit: grape
colour: burgundy
number: 12 per cent
letter: H
matching Agatean sign: the Water Feature
known to influence: organs of the middle body, particularly the stomach, liver and gall bladder
traditional Sign of: accountants, sales managers, science teachers, hedge witches.

Bilians are typically nervous, somewhat pessimistic, and prone to digestive troubles. They also often lack assertiveness and self-confidence, though at the same time they can be very forceful if pushed too far!

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

Born-unders commonly known as: Mubboons, or Mubbles
fruit: pumpkin
colour: khaki
number: 31
letter: O
matching Agatean sign: One Won Ton
known to influence: nostrils, and the hand that wields a sword or a ploughshare (or dunging fork)
traditional Sign of: merchants, care workers, actors, Fools, barbarian heroes, agony aunts (though not Agony Aunts), tax assessors

Mubboons typically show honesty and the lack of artifice, and are poor at keeping secrets. They are also known for their kindness, understanding nature and gullibility.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

Born-unders commonly known as: Boring'uns
fruit: kumquat
colour: yellow
number: 3
letter: C
matching Agatean sign: the Bureaucrat
known to influence: adrenal glands, voluntary muscles, heels
traditional Sign of: church deacons, proofreaders, library assistants, researchers in safe subjects

Boring'uns are typically extremely safety-conscious and often methodical. They dislike excessive risk-taking and are frequently, shall we say, paranoid.

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

Born-unders commonly known as: Andies
fruit: fig
colour: electric blue
number: 256
letter: P
matching Agatean sign: the Dragon's Egg
known to influence: teeth, chest, biceps
traditional Sign of: salesmen, long distance hauliers, mercenary soldiers and secret royalty

Andies typically love familiar, comfortable surroundings, and are casual to the point of, well, extreme casualness; they have a tendency to credulousness. Type 2 Andies might seem credulous types, but underneath they're as sharp as tacks and twice as likely to do you major damage if crossed!

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

Born-unders commonly known as: Footies, or Footys
fruit: apple
colour: crimson
number: 1
letter: B
matching Agatean sign: the Vampire Ghost
known to influence: shoulders, neck and, erm, bottom
traditional Sign of: sailors, explorers, animal rescuers, engineers, proctologists

Footies are typically optimistic, sometimes to the point of foolishness, tending to view the world through rose-tinted spectacles. They enjoy travel, and are often happy enough in their own company to be considered "something of a loner"; also famously good with animals.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

Born-unders commonly known as: Hokians
fruit: cucumber
colour: melon green
number: 7/12ths
letter: F
matching Agatean sign: the Bonsai Mountain
known to influence: eyes, brain, navel, sixth sense
traditional Sign of: highwaymen, Grand Viziers, systems administrators and extremely powerful witches

Hoki is considered a "lucky" Sign; typical Hokians are brooders and deep thinkers, magically adept and sometimes shy, and can be arrogant (though less so than Hoggers...but then anyone else is less arrogant than a Hogger).

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

Born-unders commonly known as: Gazundians, or sometimes Potties
fruit: banananana
colour: bone
number: 6ft 7ft 8ft bunch
letter: L
matching Agatean sign: the Barking Mad Dog
known to influence: lips, abdominal muscles, pectorals
traditional Sign of: Seamstresses, subversives, female adventurers, exotic dancers, naturists

Gazundians are typically free spirits, unfettered by the binding conventions of a repressive society; iconoclasts in general, they are also sometimes loners.

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

Born-unders commonly known as: Umbragians
fruit: wahoonie
colour: black
number: 7+1
letter: U
matching Agatean sign: Beti, the Exotic Dancer
known to influence: heart, wrists, hindbrain
traditional Sign of: Cunning Artisans, seamstresses (note lowercase), weavers, surgeons, thieves, counterfeiters, Royal craftsmen, minstrels, troubadours

Umbragians are typically clever-fingered and artistic, with keen eyesight and a good grasp of spatial perception. They are very good at finding their way into locked rooms, and have a natural "nose" for treasure, especially in liquid forms!