Thursday, September 30, 2004

September 2004

Hello my little skywalkers! It's been pointed out to me that the Agateans have a perfectly good horoscope of their own, so this month I've included the corresponding Agatean signs for all.

Due to great advances in pig treacle reclamation technology, resin modelling has entered a wonderful new age. No longer do we have to make do with rough hand-carved wooden avatars - no, there are now intricate, attractive treacle-resin action figures of gods, monsters, celebrities and even Ordinary People(TM) available at fairs, markets and curiosity shops, many at a price even residents of Cockbill Street can afford! So this month I have carefully matched likely action figures to your Zodiac signs. All figures are fully articulated, hand finished, and ready to provide hours of amusement. This has nothing to do with my purchasing large blocks of treacle
futures, no, not at all...

Yours sincerely,
Anaemia Asterisk


The Adamant Hedgehog 21 March-20 April

Your Agatean sign is the Blowfish
Your action figure is:

RIDCULLY THE BROWN
Comes complete with extra-large Wizard's Staff, set of fishing flies, UU robes, official UU tracksuit, crossbow and bottle of Wow-Wow Sauce.

The Ridcully Action Figure is capable of gentle minor spellcasting when you wave his staff. Press the secret button in his hat and he shouts and his face grows red! This Action Figure makes a great desk organiser. Literally. For a small additional price, the Deluxe Limited Edition Ridcully offers a flock of Blasteds and a realistic B. S. Johnson brass-trimmed Archchancellor's Bath Tub.



Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 April-21 May

Your Agatean sign is the Reciprocating Fox
Your action figure is:

LEONARD OF QUIRM
Comes complete with many-pocketed robe, bi-directional quill pens, sketchbooks, measuring devices, homemade explosives recipes, and an assortment of model engines of war (to be used for peaceful purposes only).

The Leonard of Quirm Action Figure has fully moveable eyes to indicate expressions of deep thought, and features full wrist action for simultaneous left- and right-handed writing. Pressing his left shoulderblade causes your Leonard to recite abstruse formulae whilst sketching birds and smiling absently; pressing his right knee will make him draw weapons of mass destruction. A truly inspirational toy for children of all ages.



The Two Fat Cousins 22 May-21 June

Your Agatean sign is the Heavenly Tourist
Your action figure is:

GYTHA OGG
Comes complete with steel-toed red boots, willow-reinforced hat, banjo, spare knicker elastic, phial of scumble and genuine dwarf-reconditioned broomstick.

The Gytha Ogg Action Figure is ready for any kind of action (and at her age, too...). Place the banjo in her hands and hear her sing 35 verses of the Hedgehog Song! Her cleverly made fingers can feel for dust under any surface in the home or dollhouse. The Super Deluxe Edition Gytha includes a scale-model Greebo; sadly, only the cat form is available. This Action Figure is not recommended for children over the age of three or adult males under the age of 65.



The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 June-22 July

Your Agatean sign is the Hoarse Whisperer
Your action figure is:

DORFL THE GOLEM
Comes complete with rewritable chem, imitation clay for patching, bill of self-purchase, Watchman's badge, and Personal Holy Days calculator.

The Dorfl Action Figure is a marvel of modern manufacturing: fine treacle-resin modelled to perfectly resemble ancient rough-sculpted clay! Your Dorfl is a tireless worker, even though he works by choice and not because you order him to. Press the centre of his back and he will spout declarations of self-interested purpose and discourse at length on philosophy and the nature of theology and Free Will, all in Obviously Capitalised And Portentous Words. A true marvel!



Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 July-23 August

Your Agatean sign is the Water Feature
Your action figure is:

LADY MYRIA LEJEAN
Comes complete with featureless grey robes, a number of overly fussy attempted haute-couture outfits, large bodyguards, and a selection of fine chocolates (WARNING: insertion of too many chocolates will cause your Action Figure to explode).

The Lady LeJean aka Unity Action Figure can materialise and dematerialise at command, so be careful to keep track of it when you're tidying up. Pressing her left, erm, hip will make her seek all manner of human sensations and pleasures, some of them embarrassing (except to the Gytha Ogg Action Figure). Beware: this Action Figure will learn from experience.



Mubbo the Hyena 24 August-23 September

Your Agatean sign is One Won Ton
Your action figure is:

SUSAN STO HELIT
Comes complete with slightly bent poker, disarrangeable hairstyle, sensible shoes, Robe of Absolute Darkness(TM), scythe, schoolteacher's outfit and a fetching black lace semi-goth gown.

The Susan Sto Helit Action Figure has a habit of apparently, well, disappearing, and is best located by squinting until your eyes water. Press her cute little nose and she will search under your bed for monsters to bash. Your Susan Action Figure can recite several dozen reasons for not believing in folk tales and superstitions. Particularly suitable for ill-behaved children. Don't place her too close to the Lady Myria Action Figure or she may steal some of the chocolates.



The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 September-23 October

Your Agatean sign is the Bureaucrat
Your action figure is:

NOBBY NOBBS
Comes complete with rusty armour and helmet, greasy dog-ends, Morris dancing bells and hankies, and certificate of species.

The Nobby Nobbs Action Figure is best displayed in dark alleys, shadowed corners and under bridges where it can have a quiet smoke. Press the boil on the tip of his nose and he will attempt to open your wall safe or jewellery boxes while claiming he's just checking, guv'nor. This Action Figure can assume all known dirty street-fighting positions and should be handled whilst wearing gloves.



Okjok, the Salesman 24 October-22 November

Your Agatean sign is the Dragon's Egg
Your action figure is:

LOBSANG LUDD
Comes complete with orange robes, lockpick set, broom, Yeti with detachable head, and personal Procrastinator (no batteries needed).

The Lobsang Ludd Action Figure must be handled with care: if you move it too fast, you may find the air around you turning blue and experience difficulty with watch and clock functionality. However, playing with this Action Figure is never a waste of Time! Press the button on his left heel and he will steal your wallet, watch and socks. The Deluxe Limited Edition Lobsang can recite the entire Way of Mrs Cosmopilite.



Great T'Phon's Foot 23 November-21 December

Your Agatean sign is the Vampire Ghost
Your action figure is:

TWOFLOWER
Comes complete with iconograph, spare tins of paint, imp food, notebooks, eye-watering patterned shirts and shorts, maps and postcards.

The Twoflower Action Figure is suitable for travel and can be placed on the dashboard of your vehicle (just below the fuzzy dice). Press on his eyeglasses and he will say "How many rhinu for that humorous native statuette?" in a number of dialects. The iconograph takes real pictures, but go easy on use because its imp is very small and impatient. The Deluxe Edition Twoflower comes with Luggage.



Hoki the Jokester 22 December-20 January

Your Agatean sign is the Bonsai Mountain
Your action figure is:

LORD HONG
Comes complete with origami kit, selection of arcane poisons, hair oil, Imperial Court robes, forked tongue, and reproduction ancient Ankh-Morpork formal dress costumes.

The Lord Hong action figure excels at getting other Action Figures to do its dirty work. Press the secret button - you have to figure out where it is yourself without getting pricked by Lord Hong's concealed poison-coated knife - and he will recite poetry, plot the destruction of empires, and make exquisite squishi and/or origami animals. This Action Figure is best stored well away from any others!



The Rather Large Gazunda 21 January-18 February

Your Agatean sign is the Barking Mad Dog
Your action figure is:

RINCEWIND
Comes complete with running shoes, Wizzard hat, tattered robes, XXXXian survival kit, bag of peanuts, half-brick in a sock, and excuses.

The Rincewind Action Figure keeps best when away from any sort of action whatsoever. Press his scraggly beard and he screams for help in seventeen languages. Place him anywhere near knives and he runs away at a quite impressive speed. The Deluxe Edition Rincewind includes a reproduction Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography office, with a window to somewhere...surprising.



The Flying Moose 19 February-20 March

Your Agatean sign is Beti, the Exotic Dancer
Your action figure is:

TIFFANY ACHING
Comes complete with 8" frying pan (to scale), copy of Diseases of the Sheep, phial of Special Sheep Liniment, cheese moulds, shamble, and invisible Hat.

The Tiffany Aching Action Figure seems to have a will of its own. It will move when your back is turned, pop up in unexpected places, and generally disobey while at the same time being unsettlingly clever and resourceful. Squeeze her right hand and she will make delicious cheese; squeeze her left and she will bash the nearest monster with her frying pan. Not recommended for inclusion in the same collection s the Susan Action Figure, unless you want your life utterly rearranged in sensible but surprising ways. Be warned: this Action Figure tends to attract Nac Mac Feegle, so keep your booze cupboard securely locked and nail down all valuables.

1 comment:

Blogger said...

I've just installed iStripper, so I can have the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.