Friday, July 30, 2004

July 2004

Hello my dear zodiac addicts, it's time for another dose of my arcane astroillogical wisdom(TM). Rather than telling you the usual should-I-get-out-of-bed-this-month hints, I'm going to have a serious talk about the traits and qualities of each Sign and of those born under it. Nothing frivolous here! -- as it happens, my frivol is in for repairs. So pull up a chair and get comfortable...

-- Lady Asterisk

The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: 'Hogs, Hoggers (not Hogwarts)

The typical 'Hog personality, as you already know, is short on temper and long on spikiness. Hoggers have a strong tendency to arrogance and can sometimes even be dangerous; they often have methodical minds, and a talent for prognostication is frequently part of the 'Hog profile -- although with that arrogance and spikiness, do you really care what happens in the future? Of course not, the future will just have to rearrange itself to suit you. The Adamant Hedgehog holds sway over matters of the feet, ankles, elbows and fingernails, and is often the Sign of Watchmen, athletes and Regimental Sergeant Majors.

SOME FAMOUS HOGGERS: Mrs Evadne Cake; Cheery Littlebottom; Lord Ronnie Rust; Lord Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh; Sergeant Jackrum.

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gahooligans

The typical Gahooligan is thick-skinned, as we know. Gahooligans tend to be single-minded, and have the unusual quality of being simultaneously passionate and phlegmatic (note: this does not necessarily mean they have a tendency to runny noses); they make good civil servants, teachers, priests and creative independent entrepreneurs. A Gahooligan will hold to an argument, a viewpoint, or a potential customer with indefatigable enthusiasm. Gahoolie holds sway over the spleen, small intestine and those small fiddly island-shaped bits on the pancreas, which explains why Gahooligans are rarely addicted to sweets.

SOME FAMOUS GAHOOLIGANS: Reginald Shoe; Mustrum and Hughnon Ridcully; C.M.O.T. Dibbler; Ronald Saveloy.

The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Twosies

The typical Twosie is self-indulgent but also has a strongly developed pragmatic side; this tends to make for people who are perpetually at war with their desires and cravings, though it has to be said that sometimes that war is lost on one side or the other. The Two Fat Cousins is the Sign of headmistresses, chefs, governesses, minor government mandarins, and maiden aunts, and holds sway over the corpus callosum, sacrum, stiff upper lip and, um, reproductive organs. Twosies often act on their second thoughts, but can be very decisive...eventually.

SOME FAMOUS TWOSIES: Mrs Rosie Palm; Susan Sto Helit; the UU Chair of Indefinite Studies; Tiffany Aching; the Abbot of the History Monks.

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Staffies

The typical Staffie loves luxury and comfort, and is often far more self-indulgent than a Twosie, lacking the same balance. Yet Staffies can also be very practical -- even calculating, you might say. In fact, if you encountered what we professional astrologer types call an Alpha Staffie, you would certainly say so, especially if the Staffie in question was a certain Lancrastian of the witchly persuasion. Staffies also have a deep love of gossip and love to tell stories. The Wizard's Staff and Knob holds sway over the mouth, tongue, eye muscles and index finger, and is often the sign of journalists, housekeepers and philosophers.

SOME FAMOUS STAFFIES: William de Worde; Gytha Ogg; Mrs Whitlow; Mrs Marietta Cosmopilite; many senior wizards.


Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Bilians, Chunderers

The typical Bilian tends to be nervous, somewhat pessimistic, and prone to digestive troubles. Bilians also often lack assertiveness and self-confidence, though at the same time they can be very forceful if pushed too far. If you meet a fretful, angst-ridden person with well-bitten fingernails and a gaunt, watchful look, chances are high that he or she is a Bilian (although in Roundworld, chances are equally high that he or she is a Goth...). Bilious holds sway over the stomach, liver and gall bladder, and is the Sign of accountants, sales managers, science teachers and hedge witches.

SOME FAMOUS BILIANS: Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU; HRH Magrat de Lancre; Agnes Nitt; C.W.St.J. (Nobby) Nobbs; Miss Perspicacia Tick.

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Mubboons

The typical Mubboon's most notable quality is that of steadfastness. It's not so much that you can rely on a Mubboon to be trustworthy as it is that you can trust a Mubboon to be utterly what he or she seems to be! Mubboons can be concerned without being empathic, and like to get out and meet people. Mubbo the Hyena holds sway over the knees, nostrils and the hand that wields a sword or a ploughshare (or dunging fork), and is the Sign of merchants, innkeepers, care workers, actors, Fools - and barbarian heroes, a job that encompasses many of the qualities of the other ones!

SOME FAMOUS MUBBOONS: Cohen the Barbarian; HRH Verence II de Lancre; Fred Colon; Twoflower; Tomjon Vitoller.

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Boring'uns

The typical Boring'un is a bit of a sad creature, poor thing: extremely safety-conscious, often methodical, dislikes excessive risk-taking, shall we say paranoid...the sort of person who, to put it gently, doesn't get out enough in the fresh air and tends to hug the wall at parties (a Boring'un would never be found in the kitchen -- there are far too many dangerous things there. Pineapples, for a start!) For these reasons, people born under the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars tend to be church deacons, proofreaders, library assistants and researchers in safe subjects; paradoxically, however, they also often tend to be magnets for distinctly unsafe situations. The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars holds sway over the adrenal glands, voluntary muscles, and heels -- a good thing since Boring'uns so often have to take to theirs.

SOME FAMOUS BORING'UNS: Rincewind; Mort; Ponder Stibbons; Constable Washpot Visit.

Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Okjokers

The typical Okjoker loves familiar, comfortable surroundings, and has a tendency to be casual to the point of, well, extreme casualness. Another common trait among those born under this Sign is a tendency to credulousness. To put it plainly, there's an Okjoker born every minute (oh, all right, every minute from 24 October to 22 November). But there are also what we call Type 2 Okjokers, and these are people to beware because while they might seem credulous types, underneath they're as sharp as tacks and twice as likely to do you major damage if crossed! Okjok holds sway over the teeth, chest and biceps, and is the Sign of -- unsurprisingly -- salesmen, long distance haulers, mercenary soldiers and secret royalty.

SOME FAMOUS OKJOKERS: Otto von Chriek; Mrs Vena McGarry; the Dean of UU; Carrot Ironfoundersson.

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Footies or Footys

The typical Footy is an optimist, sometimes to the point of foolishness, and tends to view the world through rose-tinted spectacles. Footys enjoy travel and are often happy enough in their own company to be considered "something of a loner." They are also famously good with animals (sometimes they *are* animals). Great T'Phon's Foot holds sway over the shoulders, neck and, erm, bottom; typical Footy professions include sailors, explorers, animal rescuers, engineers, and proctologists. For some reason, an unusual numbers of Footys are born in Quirm. Go figure.

SOME FAMOUS FOOTIES: Her Grace Sybil, Duchess of Ankh; the Great Gaspode; Leonard of Quirm; Ponce da Quirm; Seldom Bucket.

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Hokians (sometimes wrongly referred to as Hoki Cokeys)

The typical Hokian personality lends itself to brooders and deep thinkers, who are magically adept and sometimes shy, though with the right upbringing Hokians can be as arrogant as any Hogger ever born. Hoki is considered a lucky sign; certainly, many born under Hoki seem to rise to the top of their professions, often at the point of a sword or wand. Hoki the Jokester holds sway over the eyes, brain, navel and sixth sense, and is the traditional Sign of highwaymen, Grand Viziers, systems administrators and extremely powerful witches. You don't want to cross a Hokian, surely you don't.

SOME FAMOUS HOKIANS: Mrs Erzulie Gogol; Esmerelda Weatherwax; Lily Weatherwax; Lord Havelock Vetinari; Lord Hong.

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Gazundians, Potties

The typical Gazundian is a free spirit, unfettered by the binding conventions of a repressive society. In fact, many Gazundians tend to be unfettered by anything much, including clothing: the Gazunda is the Sign of exotic dancers, naturists and others who earn their living by removing clothing. Gazundians are often iconoclasts in general, and sometimes loners (Footies and Gazundians are the worst possible combination for lasting romance). The Rather Large Gazunda holds sway over the lips, abdominal muscles and pectorals, and is the traditional sign of Seamstresses, subversives and female adventurers.

SOME FAMOUS GAZUNDIANS: Lu-Tze the Sweeper; Count Giamo Casanunda; Conina; Angua von Uberwald.

The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar

NICKNAME for those born under this Sign: Meese

The typical Moose is famously clever-fingered and artistic, with keen eyesight and a good grasp of spatial perception. Those born under the Sign of the Flying Moose tend to make good Cunning Artisans, seamstresses (note the lack of capitalisation), weavers, surgeons, thieves and counterfeiters; they often rise high in the ranks of Royal craftsmen, though it has to be said that Meese also make up a surprisingly large portion of the denizens of any municipal dungeon or scorpion pit. The Flying Moose holds sway over the heart, wrists and hindbrain, and is also a good sign for minstrels and troubadours. But not mimes. Never mimes. Take my word for this.

SOME FAMOUS MEESE: Rob Anybody Mac Feegle; Jason Ogg; B.S. Johnson; Dr "Mossy" Lawn; most Igors.

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