by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
And a Happy New Year to all you Agateans, celebrating the Year of the Pig! Funny, I thought that was every year for wizards... speaking of obsessive piggishness (not to be confused with piggish obsession - especially in the case of local pig-witches, for whom being obsessed with pigs is a vital part of the job description), this month I shall concentrate on obsessive phobias and other behaviours of the sort that can get too, well, too. Good advice can be found in the Stars, along with rather a lot of hot exploding gases! So in honour of the Agatean New Year, this month's horoscopical advice is once again in the form of haiku. A piggy Astral Month to you all!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Agatean sign: Blowfish
- Fear not "fear itself"
Dominate your underlings
Shouting helps a lot
Fear not loss of face
Arrogance will see you through
Don't apologise
Fear no challengers
"Alpha" is your middle name
Big red bottom wins
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Agatean sign: Reciprocating Fox
- Salesman, be not scared
Customers will always buy
Sausage inna bun
Face slow days with grit
Market fluctuations are
Job-description stuff
When all's said and done
Empty stomachs triumph o'er
Meat That Has No Name
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Agatean sign: Heavenly Tourist
- In your forest deep
Fear no angry predators
Small is big reversed
Fear not pointy teeth
Outcomes are uncertain still
Like cats in a box
Fear no foreign power
Elementals? Evil queens?
No! This land is yours!
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Agatean sign: Hoarse Whisperer
- "Eat": three-letter word
"Dinner" has two syllables
"Acid stomach": four
"Low cholesterol"
This sign keeps blood pressure down
Banish thus your fear
Food can be your friend
Use your love of luxury
To devise light meals
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Agatean sign: Water Feature
- Truly you abhor
Malt, hops, and fermented fruit
"Mostly apples"? Hah!
Fear is in the mind
Stomach, liver, pancreas
Must not rule your day
Carpe urceum!
Many good hangover cures
Wait in dawn's weak light
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Agatean sign: One Won Ton
- Honest men ne'er fear
Capture or discovery:
Such men sleep at night
Curst be thou, Mubboon
Never shall you counterfeit
Pilfer, filch or fence
Right the Heavens are
Choosing you as feckless born
Crime just ain't your thing
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Agatean sign: Bureaucrat
- Craven Boring'uns!
You fear good ol' "fear itself"
Not without just cause
Lurking ev'rywhere
Danger laughs at cautious beings
Quit while you're ahead
Party for your lives
Travel, swim, eat pineapples
You'll die anyway
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Agatean sign: Dragon's Egg
- Fear not heroes' fate
Never think you're not the best
Fear not loss of nerve
Use all means at hand
Salamanders or grimoire
You were BORN TO RUNE
No relentless foe
Can withstand your cold steel or
Municipal Code
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Agatean sign: Vampire Ghost
- Fear not changing times
Fashions change in clothes and pets
Classics never age
Wear your boots with pride
Armour can be feminine
When pure heart's beneath
Lamp oil, anthracite
Never let their flame go out
Love will find a way
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Agatean sign: Bonsai Mountain
- Scryers, fight your fear
Darkness in your crystal ball
Merely means it's night
Think you've lost your touch?
Cook a pot of gumbo, quick!
Jambalaya, too
You have naught to fear
Others fear your pointy hat
So they bloody should!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Agatean sign: Barking Mad Dog
- Love is in the air
Fear not your performing skills
Oysters save the day
Fearsome lack of height?
One stepladder: problem solved
All are equal, prone
Fear no roses' thorns
Roses open in bouquets
Open...other flowers
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Agatean sign: Beti, the Exotic Dancer
- Never be afraid
Dree your weird and face your fate
Make friends with a cheese
Battles will be won
Cursing comes in handy for
Fights in Underworlds
Fear no written words
Lawyers cannot harm you when
You're already dead!
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