Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Slayin' A Vimes

by Weird Alice Lancrevic
(with apologies to the Bee Gees)

Well, you can tell by the way I slyly sneak
I'm a deadly man, Assassin-chic
Fashion hot and caltrops cold
I'm a graduate - eighteen years old
And now it's goodnight, say goodbye
And he may scream or softly die
Duke of Ankh is in a jam
It's in The Times - we're out for Sam!

Whether we were nobles, pig-farmers, or from Cockbill
We're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Killin' with a flourish, there's nothing amateurish
When you're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes...

Well now, I aim low and I aim high
And if I can't use poison, I'll stab an eye
Got some extra daggers in my shoes
I'm a stranglin' man, and I've crossbows too
You know it's last rites, he should pray
Cos he won't see another day
He can try escapin' doom
But "Mister Vimes" we'll soon inhume

We're not out to bother your sister or your father
We're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Junior in his crib'll be safe along with Sybil
But we're slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes, slayin' a Vimes
Ah, ha, ha, ha, slayin' a Vimes...

Life's gonna leave him
Death, he'll receive him
We're feelin' stealthy, yeah

Swift inhumation
Our reputation
Will be so healthy, yeah
Slayin' a Vimes!

Note: the original lyrics can be found at:


Weird Alice Lancrevic, the noted Bard of the Ramtops, whose poetic works delight WOSSNAME readers every month, is going on holiday. After the runaway success of her book 101 MORE USES FOR A DEAD HEDGEHOG (Goatberger & Sons, AM$9.99), Mss Lancrevic has found herself wealthy enough to head off on a Grand Sneer, touring the furthest and most culturally exciting regions of the Disc just like a real posh nob! But you, our dear readers, shall not be bereft of her presence, because - in keeping with the latest trend - Alice intends to write a Clacks log, or clog, detailing all her adventures... or at least the ones that can be reprinted without incurring defamation suits and criminal charges. And yes, there may well be a song or three included in her clog-posts!

All in all, it will be rather like Nanny Ogg's Postcards From Abroad, only with better spelling.

We at WOSSNAME wish Weird Alice the best of fortune on what is bound to be a thrilling journey (except for the boring bits, you know, the ones spent waiting for coaches that arrive late, ships that fail to make port, highwaymen who can't decide if they actually want her money or her life...). Bon voyage! Gescheisenfalcke! Au lait! ]

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