Morporkian Pie

MORPORKIAN PIE
by Weird Alice Lancrevic
(with apologies to Don McLean)

A long, long time ago
I can still remember
How Mum's Slumpie used to make me drool
And I knew if I ate small meals
Then I could scoff her jellied eels
And make my stomach happy as a Fool
But then I learned to eat like wizards
Those gourmet foods abused my gizzard
Salads in between 'em
Won't save my duodenum
I can't remember why I tried
Something wise folk warned was foodicide
But acid scourged me deep and wide
From meat that Dibbler fried.

So ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

Would you bite Rat Onna Stick
And do you have faith in Spotted Dick
If Ogg's cookbook tells you so?
Do you believe in Wow-Wow Sauce?
Can teeth be saved by minted floss?
And can you teach me how to knead Dwarf dough?
Well, I know that you've been tucking in
'cause I see that you're no longer thin
You sure inhaled those dips
And you ate ten kilos of chips
I always kept my belt from getting tight
By avoiding chocs and Klatchian Delight
But my will can no longer fight
The lure of Dibbler's pies

I've started bingein' -
Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

Now for thirty years in Sator Square
Ol' Throat has flogged his unsav'ry wares
But that's not what I used to eat
When the tasters toiled for Patricians grand
And the simple folk in Morpork land
Had a choice of health foods or Named Meat
Oh, but then came Dibbler with his tray
Of greasy meats in shades of grey
The sauces was laid on thick
The locals all got sick
And while good nutrition bought the farm
The Knuckle Sandwich lost its charm
And guts contracted in alarm
At meat that Dibbler fried

We were whingein' -
Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

Pity punters in pursuit of piggin'
Who got off light with a mouldy figgin
Stinking high the fashion rose
For foodstuffs partly decomposed
While Gimlet tried for a novel take
With a chilli coulis over fried rat steak
Though it didn't smell of sweet perfume
(More a subtle reek of Eau de Koom)
We all threw up en masse
But with just a touch of class
'cause the flavours were a smorgasbord
Of esters best left unexplored
And all survivors could afford
Were trays of Dibbler's pies

We started hurling -
Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

Oh, and there we were with egg on face:
A generation of bad taste
Ensnared by sausage inna bun
So come on - drink your scumble, grab your bibs
Sham Harga's got a stack of ribs
That's neither overcooked nor underdone
Oh, and walk on by that overcoat
Til Dibbler does cut his own throat
No diners in this town
Could choke that sausage down
And as his victims retched on through the night
Pursued by gastronomic blight
I saw Gaspode spitting out a bite
Of meat that Dibbler fried

And he was barking -
Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

I met a chef who cooked for queens
And asked him for a plate of beans
But he just frowned and said, "No way!"
I went down to the Mended Drum
Where I used to eat, and asked for some
But the barman said those pies were here to stay
And in the Shades, no Distressed Pud
Just mouldy pies tasting worse than wood
Suspiciously town dump-y
And not one plate of Slumpie!
And the dishes I enjoyed the most
Are now replaced by pastries gross
I'd sell my soul to lay the ghost
Of Dibbler's deadly pies

Gimmeasnappysandwich -
Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
Makes you quiver in the privy
Thinkin' you're gonna die
That bad old poison
Brings a tear to your eye
Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
"This'll be the last that I buy..."

Why try Ankh-Morporkian pie?
Give me taters, alligators
Or beef dripping on rye
Don't offer pasties
Or I'll spit in your eye
Tell ya, this will be the last one I buy!