Alliteration: amazing, amusing, all-astounding alliteration! This month, I pepper your page with confounding confections of literal and literary fonts fantastic. Why, do you ask? Just because I can! Now stand back and marvel as your friendly neighbourhood astrologer aimlessly attempts animatedly acerbic animation without a net. Or a thesaurus.
P.S. This is the sort of alliteration that goes as much by the sound of words as by their first letters. Read aloud for maximum tongue-trippery.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
This month, you will display diverting depths of debating derring-do and decoct diabolically Dibblerish deceptions in dazzling, dexterous demonstrations of delectably delicate diction. You will dreamily deflect doubt and derision with the disputational deftness of a Descartes or Derrida, as delineated duellists decamp in distress. In the demesne of discourse, you can do definite damage. Dude!
Tip of the month: avoid amorous Agateans.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
This month, your new-found, nay, nascent knowledge of nimble-fingered needlework will be named newsworthy (note that the nature of this needlework is not...nocturnal). Negate nugatory nay-sayers and Nugganites as you network your Niche-market: nobles, nobs and nabobs (not Nobby), but never niggardly nincompoops nor neolithic nerds. Navigate numismatic narrows to nurture your nest-egg - now!
Tip of the month: bypass bellicose Borogravians.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
This month, fulfil your farinaceous fancies with a fecund fiesta of figgin folderol, fresh flatbreads, filigreed filo-pastries and flavoursome fruit flans...in other words, free your fertile flights of floury fantasies and fetter your fears and feelings of foreboding and failure in the field of foodstuffs! For fierce Fedecks foretells fair fortune, fine fodder-fashioners.
Tip of the month: upbraid unctuous Uberwaldeans.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
This month, you'll effectively explore the exquisite efficacy of education as you endeavour to express the elements of erudition from erratic to the erotic, the earthly to the exotic and the ecumenical to the extraordinary. Your expert, enthusiastic exhibition of exceptional excerpts expels ennui and entreats everyone to enter establishments of enlightenment. Enthral 'em with euphonious ekphrasis - or ex-ter-mi-nate!
Tip of the month: jettison gentrified Genuans.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
This month, a surplus shipment of succulent seafood serendipitously sorts solvency scrapes and spells salvation as Society celebrates and salivates at your Celestial Squishi Shop's chef's specials! Strive sweetly to centre self-supporting schemes: suddenly, struggles cease. Salute psychic strength, savour census surveys, sing softly, sanguinely serve Seamstresses singular selections of stir-fry, and sell sea shells.
(If you are an Igor, under no circumstances try to read this horoscope aloud!!!)
Tip of the month: beleaguer bucolic Brindisians.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
This month, jump joyfully into a jolly, jumbled, jelly-jawed jamboree of jesting. Generate jocularity, jovial japes, juicy gibes and generic jackassery for geriatric judiciaries, jowly generals, jobbing jackanapes and junior journeymen. Gesticulate generously, jingle janglingly, jab gerbils, jubilantly juxtapose jewels and junk, and juggle, juggle, juggle! Geronimo!
Tip of the month: quash quixotic Quirmians.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
This month, grasp greatness as you gamble on gardening. Gallivant through goldenrod-gilded greenswards, gossip garrulously about gaudy gardenias, gravitate toward garish gillyflowers and gladioli-girt gazebos, glide gracefully around graduated glades, and gaily give gratuitous grass-growing guidance. Got greedy greenflies? - gather guardian ganders. Grab your gloves and get grubby!
Tip of the month: terrorise truculent Tsorteans.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
This month, present pearlescent ponderings that perspicaciously penetrate portentously pantheistic pinnacles† with pleasing pyrotechnics of picaresque poetry. Perfunctorily pacify persnickety persons, pre-empting their pitiful protests and peccadilloes, with picturesquely-phrased peregrinations through pertinently poetical plateaus and panoramic parklands. Poetry is your personal portal; pander precariously, prevaricate postmodernistically, but persevere!
Tip of the month: marginalise maladroit Morporkians.
† i.e., Cori Celesti.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month, orchestrate operatic octaves to obtain an onslaught of outrageous ovations, as you open your ordained oral orifice for orotund outpourings of opulently onomatopoeic aural occasions! Opportunistically overwhelm ordinary oddballs, ostentatiously ornate opera-obsessives, overweight odalisques, obfuscatory operatives, owlishly ossified octogenarians and omnipresent occult Oggs. Otherwise occupied? Oh.
Tip of the month: admonish acrimonious Al-Ybians.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This month, make murder your monstrously macabre mandate as you mordantly massacre multitudinous Morporkians: mimes, miscreants, mendicants, misanthropes, martinets, mountebanks, milliners, mathematicians, militiamen, machinists, musicians, musketeers, mariners, mariachis, marchionesses, matriarchs, mentalists, monks, mapmakers, mountaineers, mutterers, matelots, marksmen, misers, madrigal-singers, motley-wearers...and of course, meddling morticians - and Miss Marple. Malevolent motiveless murder makes marvellous merriment!
Tip of the month: evade estranged Ephebians.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
This month, investigate your inner inventor. Ignore idiosyncratic insinuations of idiocy or impropriety; impervious to imprecations and insults, instinctively ideate ingeniously and intrepidly, interpolate integratedly, and indulge your incipient imaginings - inchworm-irradiation, igloo-icers, inkwell-irrigators, identity-imprinters, indoor ionisers...be illustriously industrious and indicate idealised intelligence. I insist.
Tip of the month: outrage overbearing Omnians.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
This month, let love's leitmotif lambently limn your lacklustre life! Lovely, lasting, late-blooming love; languid, lingering love; lascivious, lustful love; lurching, lumbering love; lubricated leather love; and last but not least, lurid lycanthropic love. Love's lucent language lifts lesser lollygaggers to levitation-levels. Leaven less lively love letters, lest love lugubriously languish. Love is all you need!
Tip of the month: harass hirsute Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenians.
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