THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo, my friends! It is I, Fernando, here to be your astrologer today. The Lady Asterisk has come down with an attack of the daisies and cannot work, but Fernando is always ready to help!
When Fernando first came to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi, he was overwhelmed by the magnificence of such a great city and by the bellissimo parade of different cultures; the foods, the entertainments, the fashions, arts and people. Especially the lady people. Now Fernando is only whelmed, but there is always something new to experience, and Fernando is nothing if not ready to be experienced. Fernando believes that all persons should experience as much as possible and learn to become an "all-rounder", as they say here, and I, Fernando, am now an all-rounder, though certainly not as all round as the famous Enrico Basilico.
The best way to become experienced is to follow your stars, for they point the way to a lifetime of new ideas. So come with Fernando now, my friends, and let him show you the way to a life of excitement. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
This month is a good month for Hoggers and cats. Fernando loves all animals, except for pineapples ever since his belovered Uncle Nino (mayherestinnapeace) was killed by a stampede of pineapples, but he especially loves cats. Tiny little kittens, big fat smelly toms, fluffy white cats, old dribbling pussies, even that cat with the big boots that lives at number 7 The Backs. So Fernando is very pleased that the stars say that this month is good for Hoggers to be kind to cats. Here, pussy, pussy! Fernando waits for you!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Gahooligans, if you have every wanted to try extreme sports, this is the most excellent month to start! The stars say that you will be successful at Rimseiling, which is like the abseiling only wetter, but just as good for your abs, so now is the time to book your passage to the island of Zark, near distant Farferee. The island overhangs the Rim, and is home to giants and enormous rodents with big feet. The natives race each other to climb down the Rim as fast as possible. The bravest, fastest Rimseilers go all the way to the bottom of the Rim, and carve their initials into the underside of the Disc. Fernando predicts that you Gahooligans will carve many notches there, just as Fernando has carved many notches elsewhere.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, are you bored of your homes? Does your wallpaper not excite you in the way that Fernando excites your imaginations? If so, this is a good month for you to consider interior decorating. The stars tell Fernando that this is a good time to consider rearranging the furniture, changing the carpets, repainting the walls, and replacing the entire kitchen. And if that sounds like too much work, Fernando has a cousin who can do this for you, best quality materials very cheap.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For you Staffies, the stars say that this is the month to test your mettle and find out what you are made of. Armed with nothing but a chair, a whip, and your courage, are you brave enough to practice the art of parrot-taming? Fernando has studied under the great parrot-tamers. Fernando's life has been filled with great days, but the greatest day of all was the day Fernando entered the cage with neither chair nor whip. If you can face down a cage full of Fourecksian galahs and Hubland Blues, then you can face anything, even creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions, or the Mrs Whitlow.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Sometimes the stars' advice is subtle and surprising, like Fernando. But for Bilians, this month is not one of those times, for this month, the stars say "Wine!". Fernando is not one for sarcasm, but if he was, he would say "Bilians drinking wine? Who would have guessed?" So if you have been a beer or ale drinker, now would be the month to move up the social ladder by drinking wine. Fernando recommends a good Brindisian red, especially a '95 from Snarkinia. Avoid Fourecksian table wines, for no aftershave is strong enough to cover their smell, not even Fernando's.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
As the delightful Signora Cosmopilite says, "What goes around comes around", and this is a good month for Mubboons to listen to her wisdom. The stars say that this is a good month for charitable works, so you should drop a few pennies in the next beggar's bowl you pass, or hand on a few of your less-badly worn old clothes to The Spiteful Sisters of Sek's House of Widows and Orphans. Fernando is always generous to those less fortunate than he, because anybody who is not Fernando is less fortunate, and Fernando's reward is to be fortunate to be Fernando! If you are generous with your charitable works, you too will surely benefit from the generosity and charity of others -- perhaps you will even be fortunate enough to be visited by Fernando.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, this is a month for cheese! Fernando enjoys strong cheese, like a Brindisi aged Parmigiana or a Lancre Blue, but not the awful tasteless things those cursed Quirmians make, may their footsballers get eaten by sheep. Boring'uns may prefer a bland Chalk Cheddar, or if you are feeling especially brave, a Zlobenian Mild farmhouse, but whatever cheese you prefer, this is the month for eating lots of it. Fernando recommends you also include figs, so you will not be frightened by your bottom.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies are famous for their parties. Mme Cupidor once held a garden party which went on for forty-three days, and fellow Andie Mme Hania, whose custard-and-jelly parties were the scandal of Olde Ankh society, lost favour with the king when three generals and two foreign ambassadors drowned in a vat of custard. Fernando prefers an intimate little tat-o-tat for three, but whatever sort of party you prefer, the stars say this is the month to party hard. After your festival of retribution last month, that Fernando so accurately predicted, you will have to spend less on party invitations, but now you really do know who your friends are.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
The stars say that this is a good month for Footies to cultivate the finer artistic sensibilities by taking up one of the fine arts. Fernando also has a sensitive, artistic side, and he can often be found helping the young signorinas and signores practice their art. Fernando is available to model for painters and sculptors, and has his own ferret and fig-leaf. Have I mentioned this before? It is a very impressive fig-leaf.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This month is a good month for Hokians to read books. Books contain much that is very educational, and as a young boy Fernando learned many wonderful things from Lady Venturi's "Travels In The Dark Hinterland". But Fernando understands that not everybody has been fortunate enough to have a good education like Fernando, whose sainted mamma scrubbed floors and worked her fingers to the bone to send him to school so he could learn his letters and become the great astrologer you see before you now. For those who can, this is a good month for reading, and for those who cannot, there is always "130 Days of Pseudopolis", with its wonderful and very educational illustrations.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Sometimes the stars predict unpleasantness, and for Gazundians, this month will contain unpleasantness in the form of burglary. Fernando does not condone the breaking and entering, unless you are fully licenced by the Thieves' Guild, so we shall not speak of how you might commit that burglary yourself. Gazundians who are not themselves burglars should consider buying better locks or getting a watch dog or dragon, or making sure they are fully paid up with the Guild.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
This month, Umbragians should get out into the fresh air for the stars have said that the signs are good for animal husbandry. Fernando is now the expert Morporkian speaker, but when he was still learning the language, he thought animal husbandry meant the sort of the behaviour that back in Brindisi only happens in the more isolated villages. But do not worry, Umbragians, the stars are talking about herding the beasts. If you are born under the sign of the Lesser Umbrage, this is a good month for herding camels, shearing sheep, or wrangling horses. But do not make the attempt at the herding of cats. Fernando says, leave that to the Hoggers.
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