THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
IMP OF THE (VERY) PERVERSE
It was all going so well. I'd already decided to write an ordinary, uncomplicated Horoscope this month, full of ordinary, uncomplicated celestial advice - after all, many of you do turn to me for day-to-day advice, and what with all the special cases and general observations, I was beginning to worry that some of you hadn't dared to get out of bed since the Century of the Fruitbat! Unfortunately, is the course of making this happen, I...erm...encountered a little...um...problem.
We've all heard of "printer's devils", but it is my peculiar misfortune to have been struck by the real thing! And that's struck as in "on strike" - my Gooseberry Mk3 Dictation imp claims he's come down with one of those viruses zinging around the Clacks, but I know a work-to-misrule when I see one. We've had a bit of a falling-out, my imp and I, with the result being a case of the imp-ire strikes back. Sadly, I can't afford another 'Berry at the moment, so I'm afraid, my dear Astropossums, that you'll just have to battle your way through a morass of mistypes and accidental punes for this month's advice. Well, the imp claims the mistypes are a result of technomantic problems caused by the virus, but I still think he's doing it on purpose because I wouldn't pay him time and a half over Hogswatch.
At least I know this introduction isn't misspelt; I dictated it myself to the neighbourhood postal parrot. Shame that she can't remember and repeat anything longer than this...
So, with a certain frisson of embarrassment, I present to you:
TEH nE]w DiSwoLD heROsCap!E
(or so it says...)
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Hoggers beware - you don't want to make a shoe of yourself during the full moon! Avoid those things that tend to auger you and make you shoot aloud in fur. Don't get mad, get oven - oven-tempered, that is! God news, though: you'll find yourself less tressed out in the second half of the mouth. That will be the best time to try a completely new enterpride and add another demention to your lost of achievements; another, as it were, father in your cap. The 4th and 21st are the days to witch out for, as these are when your planets line up across the plane of the apocalyptic. Keep a cool head, though, and you'll do yourself prod.
Tip of the month: Never forget that bad newt travels fast.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Adventure and trills await Gahooligans during the coming weeks! You may goon a long voyeur by sea, or possibly meet a tall dork strangler of foreign girth. Around the 13th, keep a canning eye on your pus or wallet, as huggers may cross your path. But if you keep your spits up and stay on the sonny Sid of the street, Al should be well. Mind which way the wind blows, don't forget to pack plenty of clean underwar, and you're bound to enjoy your tripe! A note: alternate Octedays are the best times this month for writhing and sending potcards.
Tip of the moth: Always heed the words of the wide.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Poor Hernians - you are but pawns of fat, doomed to be dagged by fatful experiences throughout the ears. But don't be afraid to open your hearts, because every life has to have both love and hat. Try to get out and meet new poople, talk to members of the opposite six, even get together for friendly males and deserts; the 9th, 16th, 22nd are the best dates for, er, the best dates. Of course, all your relationsheep are equally domed, though you'll get used to that -- after all, the first cat is the deepest -- but you at least want to be able to say you tried to change the pith of your lives, even if we all know the whole sad lot is pre-Dustin. Take it in your strife, and ask not for wham the bull tools, because it's most likely to be yo!
Top of the mount: Spare a kind thought and a small con for the nerdy.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Dear Staffies, this is a good month to enrol your thaumically inclined offsprig in the nearest Collage of Lizardry. It's always good to have a practising lizard in the family, and those who begin their studs now could well rise to the very weights of magickal fame. Doesn't the thought of knowing a future Achchancellor personally make you feel all arm and tangly? - and warp the cackles of your heat? I thought it would! A sacrifice to Offer the Crocodile Gob during the second phase of the moon won't go amess, and don't forget to start a truss fund on your child's behalf at the Guilt of Assassins; it's the little extra torches that mean so much when it comes to a shining future careen.
Tip of the myth: Blond is thicker than water.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
As all you Bilians know only too well, a few little drunks never did anyone ham. But Bilians also know that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cur! So sin, dunce and make berry, for someday we'll all dib. A wine tasting on the 10th won't give you too muck of a handover, but the Aged Whisky tasting at Beerhugger's on the 12th could lead to an epic episode of pubic dunkenness, and do beware that fourth fifth on the night of the sixth, also, remember that all reannuals will come back to hunt you when you least expectorate it.
Tip of the mirth: Sacrifice to the Godless of your choice.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
In the days ahead, Mubboons may find themselves feeling ill at east as malelephant influences take hole. If this turns ouch to be the case, be sure to consult your neighbourhood watch - you know, the old woman down the rod with a face full of farts and a pointy bat. She'll be sure to have a lotion, a char or even a spill to help you fight off the powders of evil. The eighth day of the fist week of this month is a good time to consult a chairvoyant or edge wizard; if you prefer the unusual touch of strange forn ways, look up your local History Mink and negotiate the loan of a small Tim-saver. But a cover of itches is your best bet because their rats are lower.
Tap of the meth: Be a good citizen - offer kelp to poor temper virgins.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, sadly, were not born udder the most fortunate of Sings. When you're a Boring'un, it seems the curse of your life always goes from bed to horse. But be of good choir, for now your future is looking blight! Though you often rue the day you were porn, don't worry; you're not going inane or even slightly ma. No, this is no more than a rouge patch. You'll soon get past it and feel sappier than ever! - not to mention being safely boing and predictable. Oh well, you never really did like interesting ties.
Tip of the munch: Neither a burrower nor a leader be.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies, do you feel licky? Is there a single in your wader? Well, this month there certainly should be, because your stars and plants are perfectly aligned. From the 10th to the 23rd you've a good chance of a wine on the Pottery, and in any contest you inter you're likely to eat the competition. So "carp diet", as the ancients used to say, and your fortuitous stares will guarantee you'll bring home the beacon. Lack has nothing to do with it!
Tup of the monk: You can catch more fries with money than vinegar.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
For Footys, now is the time to strengthen family lies, especially for getting closer to your dear old other and to any living grindparents. Family disagreements? - they're only a store in a teacup, really Make time for a coupe of family diners between the 8th and the 18th; at the very least, you'll be on the invite list when it comes to the reading of old Grinny's wall.
Also, this month, you should contemplate a tourney to faraway places. The heavens are particularly suspicious regarding a holidad in Ankh-Morpork; but take time first to study their renowned local jaws, because trust me, you wouldn't want to fall afool of the Patricia.
Tip of the moot: A gentleman is known by the company he peeps.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians awake! Are you fed up with the oral laxity all around you? In the first and fourth weeks of this month, it's safe to take the mural high ground and use your famous Hokian manipulative powers as a force for goo. Your farce of personality will carry the day, and help you help clean laving and family values once again become impotent role muddles, as in the days of odd.
At mid-mouth, take some time to tamper yourself at a spa or slalom - you'll feel like a king or queer for it, and it could even murk the start of many future hippy gays.
Tip of the math: With great poker comes grate responsibility.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Nearly all Gazundians are past masseurs of romance, so for those of you who hanger to make that romance one fo the legitimeat variety, this is a great month to seek your beloved's hind in marriage - make that proposal, announce that engorgement, and with a bit of buck, you might even manage to get ditched before next mount rolls around! And if you feed yourself getting cod feet, hope out hop for the 29th and 30th, when an exotic new paramouse will waft into your ever-changing wife. When it comes, to love, you can never have too much of a good thin.
Tip of the moat: Never hold a grunge, or nurse a heart full of Alice.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians! Don't miss your widow of opportunity. If you've been felling a bit down in the mouth, use the bran Glod gave you to invert new swishbuckling adventures. Fortune favours the grave, and after the time of this month's quarter-moo even the most audacious plans have a chance of succeeding. Your wildest drams could well come to piss without your even frying! Now is the time to be a true herod and rap the rewards of your Umbragian earlessness. But don't get too cacky - remember, there are old heroes and there are bold heroes, but you hardly ever see old bald herons.
Tit of the month: DON'T MANIC!!!
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