YOUR NEW - OR OLDE - DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
THOSE WERE THE DAYES
I recently attended an Astrologers' convention, and one of the prizes I brought home with me is an actual horoscope from the days - or dayes - of Ago. And what a fascinating document it do be, my dear Astropossums! These are the times of Signs and Portents, and so, apparently, were those. According to my calculations, the Turtle was well and truly moving, no doubt toward the Red Star as it does every more-than-a-few centuries, so the people were more at unrest than usual and more than ever in need of advice from the Stars. I find this strangely comforting...and strangely lucrative, for those of us in certain professions. Or Profeffions. The following Horoscope, which I have faithfully reproduced here, is of course written in lower middle Middle Morporkian, but if you wade your way through the extra vowels and the creative spelling and the random permutations of the letter S, you'll find that people of Ago and their zodiacal concerns are pretty much the same as those of Now. The more things change, eh? It is also rather A-M centric, but this is unsurprising, as in the days of Ago your average Astrologer knew on which side her profit sheet was buttered, and few Forn customers were likely to pay well. Enjoy.
Ye Celestial Parsnippe 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Thys will bee a good Monthe for Diverf actyvities around ye Home. Forget not ye bowle of poisoned Milke for ye Faerys every Octeday. An handsome Tradefman will call upon thee on ye 18th; an you would avoid severe Illneff, buye notte his Saufages inna Bunne.
Gahoolie, ye Vase of Tulipf 21 Apr - 21 May
For ye Keepers of Innes, ye thirde Weeke be a good tyme to change that Troll's head on ye pubbe Sign. An awefull Fyre in Morporke art predicted for ye 9th; save tyme by knocking downe ye Ankh bridges now. Gahoolie favourf any Betrothal made in the dark of thys Monthe's Moon, but promife not marriage to wall-eyed Dames lest they bee borne under Wezen.
Ye Two Fatte Coufins 22 May - 21 Jun
A goode Monthe for War with Klatch. Beware ye Poxe; stocke uppe on powdered Duck, Leeches and Quickfilver. Husband welle thy Houfekeepinge, for difficult Tymes threaten when thee Beard of Io neareth ye Cusp of Mubboe. Avoid Bleedinges until ye 27th.
Ye Knotted Stringe 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Plague doth continue, efpecially in Short Street and its surroundes; place all blame upon thatte Hublandish famylie and avoid ye Companie of thofe Urchins which playeth dead rat Conkers. At fulle Moon, sacrifice with generositye to Seffifet. Wear not aught of ye colour Blewe until ye nexte new Moon.
Ye Perhapf Gayte 23 Jul - 23 Aug
A goode Monthe for War upon Sto Lat. Beware exploding Alchemystes and pine-applef. Weeke of 7th art auspicious for baking of ye early Hogfwatch caykes. Thirde Octeday bringeth wellcome relief from ye Poxe, but alfo bringeth unwanted Relatives; freshen thy door Lockes and inveft in repellynt Potions.
Mubbo, ye Hyaena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
A goode Monthe for War upon Llamedos. Change Newtes in ye Welle. Ye seconde Weeke bee a good Tyme for ye Practife of Morris dancef. An Wyzard attempting Promotion goeth badly wronge; avoid ye Landes near ye College of Wyzards lest ye be turned into a Bowl of sour Cherrys. Butter will notte churn upon ye 20th; blame thatte Hublandish famylie.
Ye Small Boringe Group of ye Fainte Starres 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Bad tymes ahead, also behind and to Widdershins. Ye King's menne will tax thee Unfairley thys Monthe; blame Klatchians in Dollye Syfters. Romance doth beckon upon ye quarter-Moone. Bee efpecially kind to Green-grocers and avoide ye colour Puce.
Okjock, ye Salefman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
A goode Monthe for War upon Muntab, if it bee Found. Okjock favoureth Finance when ye Moon enterf an Gibbous tyme; search ye Houfe for mislayed Coppers behinde thy Pallett, and avoid Beggar menne. An Turnip caft upon ye Hearthe will appease unkind Spirytes. Thatch neither Cott nor Dunnye until ye 30th.
Ye Cowe de Heaven 23 Nov - 21 Dec
A good Monthe for War upon thy neighbourf. In all Thynges dysastrouf, blame thatte Hublandish famylie. A goode Monthe for kippered Herringe. Beware one-eyed Doggs and all priefts of Om. Sacrifyse to Goddes of thy choice ere Dawn on Moone-dark.
Wezen, ye Twice-headed Kangaroo 22 Dec - 20 Jan
A goode Monthe for War upon Istanzia. Plague of Gnomes; engage ye thee Service of ane Ratte Pyper on 5th or 25th. Wezen favoureth Weavinge and Dyeinge of Cloutf thys Monthe. Buye noe Potionf until ye Ides. A chance Meetynge with Thievef can bring unexpected Opportunitye, but avoid Fooles, for they art Dangerouf until ye next fulle Moon.
Ye Ashtraye of Anoia 21 Jan - 18 Feb
A badde Monthe for War upon Ephebe; wait until next Monthe. Plague of Dwarfef; block ye Cellar stoutley. Get ye notte out of Bedde on 11th, 17th, 19th and 23rd, but rise early on even-number'd Dayes. Goates giveth no Milke in fourth Weeke; blame thatte Hublandish famylie.
Ye Flyinge Moofe 19 Feb - 20 Mar
A goode Monthe for dodging ye Drafte. For ane smalle Pryce, ye merchante Dybbler can arrange Passyge to Ephebe; but be certeaine to move elfewhere before War breaketh oute next Monthe. Avoide Mymes and Urchin chyldren, and drinke no Ankh water; trust me on thys, for bee I notte ane Aftrologer?
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