Djel Star's Paradise

Editor's note: This month's WOSSNAME was hijacked by the young witches of Lancre, who decided to strip out Alice's clog and publish only one of her songs. If you think I'm going to argue with a bunch of half-trained witches going through puberty, you're crazier than they are Achmed the I Just Get These Headaches.
-- The Editor.

WEIRD ALICE, IN BRIEF
Assistant editor's note: although Weird Alice is technically not a witch, she is the resident Bard of this publication and possessed of -- and some might say by -- strange powers, so we are including her Clacks Log. However, only in abbreviated form. Or as Annagramma put it, 'All right, she can have her bit, but it's not to be as long as the important parts.' So I've edited this Log down to the lyrics of one of Alice's tales of her current holiday location. -- T.A.

DJEL STAR'S PARADISE
by Weird Alice Lancrevic

As I walk through the valley of the Source of the Djel
I'm looking back on my trip and realise I've done well
Cause now I've put Djelibeybi on the map
Stars of the Djel have become a tourist trap
These people never crossed a Pharaoh although most deserved it
They were treated with contempt, you know they were servants
They were too priest-watched for free thought
And scared down to their socks
But now there's Queen Ptraci, and the lady rocks
Old Dios' pyramids pauperised too well
Once religious artefacts - now they're just hotels...Djel!
I'm the kinda Bard Ankh-Morpork poets want to be like
All my songs come out right, ending verses with a near-rhyme

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I do like the Pharaohs did
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Only costs me twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid

I've got this situation, heat makes me brazen
I can't be a normal wife, I'm too crazed for the gigs
So I gotta get down from the D'regs scene
Too much sand and camel watching desiccates my dreams
I'm an educated Bard with career on my mind
Got a pen in my hand and an imp standing by
I'm a lost Lancrastian, Disc-trekking hasty 'un
And my carpet's broke down, it's sitting in the hangar - Djel!
Death is watching but my lifetimer's fine
I'm living large on the Djel, this Grand Sneer's mine
Just Cert and me, it's as magical as seven plus one
As strange as it's turning, we'll have fun

Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Working for the highest bids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
I will never hit the skids
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Signing autographs for kids
In my penthouse Djel star's pyramid

Flowers of the desert, dessert made of flour
Hanging out with Ptraci, paradise is ours
Got a massive fanbase though half of them are mummies
What can you do in the desert but witty songs for dummies?
I'm learning ancient Djeli, Ashk-ur-men-tep has taught me
I can read old inscriptions - some bits, quite naughty

We'll go to Tsort
We'll go to Leshp
Hit every port
That's how we'll find those pleasures of the flesh - Djel!

Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
Capstone nightly blows its lid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid
We do like the Pharaohs did
In a mod-cons Djel star's pyramid
Only costs us twenty quid
Living in a Djel star's pyramid

Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When the action's on
The Circle Sea?
Tell me why are we
In Djelibeybi
When in Hersheba there's
Gigs for me?


Note for Roundworlders: the lyrics for Gangsta's Paradise can be found at: http://tinyurl.com/3224rr