April 2006

LADY ASTERISK IS UNWELL

We are sad to announce that our famed Horroscopist and Astro-illogicaler, Anaemia Asterisk, has been diagnosed with a severe case of Exhaustia Nervosa and has taken herself off to Genua for a nice bowl of Mrs Gogol's restorative gumbo. However, WOSSNAME has procured (at great expense, we might add) the services of the Disc's only recognised^† female Bard, Mistress "Weird Alice" Lancrevic, who has deigned to create some appropriate ditties for certain famous Discly persons born under the variouſ and diverſ Signs. Furthermore, Mistress Lanvrevic has graciously agreed (at yet more expense) to provide us hereafter with an especially crafted song or two every month. Only one or two, mind. Even a fanzine has to have some standards!

Lady Asterisk assures us that her absence will be brief and that she will be well enough to resume her Horrorscopic duties next month.

-- Joe Schaumburger, editor of WOSSNAME.




† Recognised by all but the Associated and Ancient Bards of Llamedos -- those traditionalist, patriarchalist so-and-so's...


The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

For Samuel Vimes, Duke of Ankh and Commander of the Watch

VIMES' WAY

And now my Sybil's near
And so I face some posh nob's soiree
My Watch, I'll make it clear:
That unsolved case is cause for worry
I've lived a life that's charmed, mostly unharmed
Though oft in crime's way
What's more, I'll tell you this - I did it Vimes' way.

Regrets, I've had a few (e.g. Reg Shoe), but now I'm wiser
No haze...of booze, my day's
Arranged by my Dis-organiser
de Worde won't give my due; I'll interview - but not The Times' way
From war to wedded bliss - I do it Vimes' way

For what is a Guard? What life's he got?
Besides himself, he has the Watch
To serve the Law, to walk the beats
And to protect Ankh-Morpork's streets
And though I'm tough, I'm not corrupt - I do things Vimes' way!

---

Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

For Reg Shoe of the Watch

PRETTY FLY FOR A DEAD GUY

Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
Give it to me, ghoulie! Uh-huh, uh-huh
And all the Vitals say I'm pretty fly for a dead guy

My skin is more than cool, I'm a walking talking corpse
I'm not a ghost or ghoul but I haven't got life-force
My breathing days are through
But there's no call for grief
Cos all the life I lack, well, I fake with sheer belief!

I don't dare cough, because my bits fall off
You know Igor's gonna sew 'em back on, but he'll scoff
Gotta scrimp and save for a tidy grave
For me, no breath
For me, Undeath
It's no major strife to live my afterlife
At least I'll show you by example and you'll see the light
The world needs new zombies
You're slacking if you wanna breathe
The world needs new zombies
So oooh, do that Postvital thing!

---

Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

For Susan, Duchess of Sto Helits

WON'T HEAR THE REAPER

Ahh, again Grandfather's gone
But his day-job carries on
See, I won't hear the Reaper
Nor do his round - it messes my brain (I won't be what he is)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
I won't wear that dress (won't hear the Reaper)
I'm not wielding that scythe (won't hear the Reaper)
Binky, I'm not Death!

Stopping Time is fun
But I'm human from here on
Came a Rat and a Raven
I made it clear I couldn't be arsed
Then the window opened and the horse appeared
Walked through the wall and disappeared
I said, "Nuh-uh, that's way too weird" (la-la-la, I can't hear)
Go 'way, Raven (tell you I can't hear)
And I ran away (got my thumbs in my ears)
Got my poker and I let fly (don't wanna be like Granddad)
Now I'm taking my stand (don't wanna read lifetimers)
Go 'way, Binky (won't hear the Reaper)
go 'way, Ratty (won't hear the Reaper)
Go 'way, Raven
Won't hear the Reaper...

---

The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

For William de Worde, Editor and Proprietor of the A-M Times

I'D PRINT ANYTHING FOR TRUTH (BUT I WON'T PRINT THAT)

And I would print anything for Truth,
I'd send The Times right through the Clacks
I would do anything for Truth
But I won't publish til I check my facts
And I'll never go out without my notepad now, oh no, no way
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
But I can't use that, oh no, I won't print that.

If Cori Celesti's burning, if you say the Disc's stopped turning
I want an exclusive interview - and then I'll proofread it
I would print anything for Truth, I cherish rightness over tact
I would print anything for Truth, I took a vow to be exact
And I'll never forgive my staff if any detail isn't right
And I would print anything for Truth
Oh, I would print anything for Truth
I would print anything for Truth
But I won't print that, no I won't print that...

"Will you write this up, will you set this down
"Will you tell me the gossip in this Patrician's town?
"Will you give me news that isn't too old?"
I can print that, oh yes! I can print that!

I know Ankh-Morpork, yes, I do my rounds
And despite grief from Rust, I will not leave town
>And sooner or later I'll be writing that down -
I can print that
Yes, I can print that!

---

Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

For Nobby Nobbs of the Watch

NOTHING BUT COPPERS

Well now, we call this the act of policing, but
There are several very important distinctions
Between Watchmen and civilians you should know about
(Don't beat folks up in the Butts)

Shades baby, Shades baby, crime is a Morpork catch-me
You can't do that kind of stuff cos that's what coppers know about
So put yer swag down and dance, now I bet you feel dumb
Yes, I'm Nobby, yes, he's Colon, and yer gettin' nicked, my chum
Be nice enough, we won't rough you up
Unlicenced Thieves outta yer cribs
Larceny-lovers, we've got you covered - like Sham Harga's famous ribs
Come quick, Forensics, establish dead Dwarf's sex
Send for Sergeant Detritus!
I am inclined to take my smoking break early
By the Brass Bridge, wasting time
Book 'em now!

You an' me, Fred, we ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's take 'em down the Yard and we can lock 'em up proper
You an' me, Fred, ain't nothin' but coppers
So let's follow good procedure and we won't come a cropper
Getting legal now!

---

Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

For King Verence II of Lancre

LANCRE QUEEN

Friday night and the scumble's low - Lancre town is the place to go
Shawn Ogg's practising trumpet
With his arm in a sling
He'll make me sound like a King
I'm quite Foolish, but I'm their guy - I'm okay in the public eye
With my Magrat beside me, everything is fine
She makes me toe the line
And she is mine, all mine...

She is my Lancre Queen, vague and wet but her magic's keen
Lancre Queen, mucking in to keep Lancre clean, oh yeah
She can chant spells for life, she makes a wonderful wife
See that witch, witch in green
She is my Lancre Queen.

She's a mum and she cleans my room - guards the kingdom on her broom
Nagged by Nanny and Esme, what's a Queen to do?
Oh well, she knows kung-fu
And she has occult jewels...

She is my Lancre Queen, prim and proper with good hygiene
Lancre Queen, best this country has ever seen, oh yeah
She wears pants, she's so nice, and she makes house-calls to Slice!
See that witch, witch serene
She is my Lancre Queen.

---

The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

For Ponder Stibbons of the UU High Energy Magic Department

I WANNA HEX YOU UP

C'mon HEX, why aren't you running? Cos you know I want news..

I don't wanna do spells to work you
Cos quantum's better
Looky, I'm slipping in your FTB - Big Mad Adrian can tend you all day
Cos the first time I built you, I wanted to eat some pizza
Your anthills are throbbin', so HEX, can I work you?
Cos you and I both know magic's for squares
I'll get the Wow-Wow Sauce outta the pond
I want you to print the first thing on your mind
Cos on a scale of one to ten, no question you're an Eight
I'm addicted to you cos you answer stuff
And Wizards, Ponder Stibbons
Is gonna HEX you up!

Hey, Great Thinking Engine, I need facts tonight
Lovely, lovely data
I wanna make the Bursar's night, yeah
I can't deny, HEXy, I wanna feed you cheese
You're such a fine machine - all I wanna do is

I want to HEX you up (I wanna HEX you up)
All night (need some sushi and cheese)
I want to (here's your FTB!) HEX you up.

---

Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

For Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson of the A-M Watch

DWARFISH PEOPLE

She came from Uberwald with her own collar
Studied policing for the Morpork dollar
That's when I
Walked on by
Told her the mines were where I grew up
She said, "In that case I'll have rat-onna-stick with catsup"
I said, "Fine."
In Gimlet's delicatessen she said,
"I want to live like Dwarfish people
"I want to do what Dwarfish people do
"I want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"I want to mine with a dezka-knick, like you."

Well, what else could I do - I said, "Gr'duzk to you!"
I took her to the Jar'ak'haga
I don't know why, but maybe cos I'm a Dr'zka, so we started there.
I said, "Pretend you're three foot seven."
She just laughed and said "Oh, you're so clever."
I said, "Yeah? Well, I can't see any B'zugda-hiara here!
"Are you sure you want to live like Dwarfish people,
"You want to eat whatever Dwarfish people eat,
"You want to mine with Dwarfish people,
"You want to mine with Dwarf Kzad-bhats, like me?"

But she didn't really grok
She just smiled and stroked my Kruk...

---

Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

For Leonard of Quirm

I'M TOO BRAINY

I'm too brainy for my robes, too brainy for my robes
I've got postfrontal lobes
And I'm too brainy for Sto Lat,
Too brainy for Sto Lat, Morpork and Bad Ass
And I'm too brainy for your city, too brainy for your city
Oh yes, I'm sitting pretty

I'm a thinker, you know what I mean
And I do my inspired turn with my notebook
Yes, with my notebook, with my notebook
Yes, I do my calculations in my notebook

I'm too brainy for your wars, too brainy to make war
Don't know what it's for
And I'm too brainy for my skull, too brainy for my skull
Why do you think I went bald?

I'm too brainy for Lord Vet, too brainy for Lord Vet
Poor Patrician, poor Havelock
I'm too brainy for my books, too brainy for my books
Librarian's going to punch me

And I'm too brainy for this Disc!

---

Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

For Lord Vetinari, Patrician of Ankh-Morpork

RULING POLITICIAN

Ankh is bigger
Bigger than Sam Vimes, and Vimes is not me
The plots that I will go through
The Dark Clerks in my pay
I never say too much, just set them up

That's me in the Palace, kept out of the spotlight: Ruling Politician
Trying to stay Number One, and I can keep the city running
I never say too much - and mimes don't say enough
I thought that I heard Assassins, I thought Drumknott let some in
I think he thought that I can't die...

Every whimper in every scorpion pit, "Damned Ruling Politician!"
I try to keep an eye on you
Beggars, Seamstresses and Fools
I never say too much, just wind you up

Consider me: the Scourge of the War of Leshp
Consider me: the Gonne that brought me to my knees failed
Those secret societies
Come flailing around
Still, I don't say too much
I thought that I heard some Klatchians, or Dungeon Dimensions din
I think they thought they might slip by

But that was just their scheme, that was just their scheme
That's me in the Palace, that's me in the hot seat
Ruling as Patrician...

---

The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

For Lu-Tze of the History Monks

SWEEPING WITH MY BROOM

Careful steps are what I take, sweeping with my broom
Fresh history I make, sweeping with my broom
I create Forever, sweeping with my broom
I cause quantum weather
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.

I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I'm Procrastinating, sweeping with my broom
I have hardly touched my tea, sweeping with my broom
Qu makes too much work for me
Sweeping with, sweeping with my broom.

Some may say, "The future's not yesterday" - no way
I'm spinning out Time to pay - your way
Tomorrow's a tick away - make hay!
The Abbot will play...

Cosmopilite, yo-yo
Cosmopilite yo-yo
The Yeti's right, yo-yo.

---

Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

For Igor

MY PARTS WILL GO ON

Every night in my lab
I sew you, I mend you
That is how an Igor goes on
Far across the futures and sutures between us
I have come to prove I go on

Ears, hearts, I keep them in jars
And believe that my parts will go on
Once more I rebuild my core
From my eyes to my toenails, my parts will go on and on.

Surgery's not "one-time", it's more like a lifestyle
Never stop improving technique
Love is fixing organs (like kidneys and bile glands)
In post-life an Igor's unique

Arms, knees, I cure of disease
To make sure that my parts will go on
Once more, I close open sores
From my hair to my liver, my parts will go on and on.

Sit here, there's nothing to fear
For you know that my medicine's strong
Brains, nerves, I heal and preserve
You are safe on my slab
And my parts will go on and on.

---

Please note that a guide to song titles for the musically inept has been provided here.