YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Guess what time of year it nearly is! Yes, dust down those pig and sleigh ornaments and that glass replica of the Cheerful Fairy and get ready to wassail like you've never wassailed before. So this is Hogswatch, and what have you done...I wish it could be Hogswatch every day...here it is, Happy Hogswatch everybody...ahem.
As a special pre-Hogswatch pressie, I've blackmailed the Bugarup University Professor of Poetry, or more likely Pottery, to give us a few appropriate verses (except where Nanny Ogg is concerned, in which case you're likely to get, erm, inappropriate verses). As a bonus, I've included the best celestially-matched holiday treat for each Sign. Happy Hogswatch, and don't overdo it on the Special Sheep Liniment. And remember, a dragon is for life, or at least until uncontrolled combustion occurs. Bless.
"Your Super Callow Fragile Mystic Hogswatch Horrorscope Is..."
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Iced fairy cakes.
"'Twas the night before Hogswatch..." - a fine, festive outing
A time for gifts, food, drink, and most of all, shouting
The Hogfather's dressed in his robe of bright red
He'd look great in your trophy-room - shoot for the head!
Remember to shout at the servants and guests
Beware party-crashers in crossbow-proof vests
Be kind to small children - it's just once a year
Next week you'll again be a figure of fear...
At least Foul Ole Ron won't be scenting your hall
For Hoggers can never be beggared at all!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Pork products on a spit. Or onna stick.
Come all ye fine Gahooligans
Drink deep of scented ales
Then go to sleep and sweetly dream
Of after-Hogswatch sales
For those of a religious bent
The pickings will be ace
For at year's-end rich folk will court
Dunmanifestin's grace
In fact, it's capital gains all 'round
Give thanks for bulging coffers
No need to cut your own throats now -
It's Hogswatch! (any offers?)
The Two Fat Cousins 22 May - 21 Jun
Chocolate. And more chocolate.
You better not shout, you better not cry
You better watch out, I'm telling you why:
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
bash all the monsters under your - I'm sorry, I'll
start that again...
She's making a list, she's checking it twice
She's gonna find out who's naughty or nice,
Susan Sto Helit has a great big poker and she's gonna
get that bogeyman hiding behind the - oh dear, this
isn't working very well, is it? Pardon me, there's a
cowled rat tugging at my skirt. Erm, Happy Hogswatch.
She knows when you are sleeping, she knows if you're awake
She knows if you've been bad or good because she's the
granddaughter of Death, after all, and Death sees the fall
of every sparrow and - aaah, forget it.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Roast suckling pig, assorted cakes, dessert trolley
and a selection of wines.
Deck the halls with boughs of holllly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, a pint of eels
Bow to ev'ry wizard's folly
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, our one has wheels
Fill to bursting ev'ry belly
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Winkle pie for Mr Jelly,
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the first one's free.
Deck the Libr'ry with bananas
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, cough cough, cough cough
For tonight the Watch won't ban us
Buggrit, buggrit, ook, the wheels fell off
Toast we now our figgins tender
Bugg'rem, bugg'rem, what duck?, wheeee!
Arrgh! The Bursar's on a bender!
Buggrit, buggrit, eek! - some Dried Frog tea?
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Drinks (well duh).
Your Lancre scumble is a drink
Best served in tiny capfuls
Beware! It's stronger than you think
Though made from mostly apples
Reannuals must be drunk with care!
Here's news for all you wonderers:
They, erm, repeat (and Bilians fair
Are also known as Chunderers)
Booze should be viewed with jaundiced eyes
As dangerous to sceptics
For after all - with this star sign -
You're bound to feel dyspeptic!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Pumpkins and black pudding.
A lonely Fool sat in his cold, cold cell
With tears on his Face and rust on his bells
His bladder deflated, a sad, sad shell:
"I won't be home for Hogswatch."
A trio of Thieves with their empty bags
Too down to be bothered collecting swag
Complained to their victims, "It's such a drag
"We won't be home for Hogswatch."
But suddenly, blue sparkles filled the night
And all four beheld an alarming weird sight
And a voice like deep thunder said, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
COME HOME WITH ME FOR HOGSWATCH.
(Unsurprisingly, they declined.)
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Little cheese cubes on plain toothpicks.
Step softly, step softly, on this Hogswatch Day
The party is swinging (the kitchen's this way...)
Come early, be low-key, and don't stay too late
You might be attacked by a pineapple, mate!
Be careful, be careful of what's there to eat
The snacks are too spicy, the punch is too sweet
In pork pies and sausages (loaded with fat!)
Food poisoning lurks - can't be having with that
Of bikkies, beware; sarnies? They're for ignoring
In fact, just stay home.
Ain't it fun to be boring?
Okjok, the Salesman 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Stoo with named meat.
Hogswatch is a-coming, the Dean is very fat
Please to put a figgin in his pointy hat
Hogswatch is a-coming, Lord Downey's wearing black
Please to put some poison in the old man's sack
Hogswatch is a-coming and Death is on the prowl
Please to put two coppers in his deep, dark cowl
Hogswatch is a-coming and Cohen has a sword
Please to give him rubies or you might get gored
Hogswatch is a-coming and Dibbler's in his coat
Please to buy a sausage or he'll cut his throat
Reality is wavering, all Ponder's team are wrecks
So please, please, put a figgin in the UU Hex!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Eggnog, with herbs and things.
Across the snows of Uberwald
There came an eerie wail
"I must be strong! I must hold out!
"Tonight I must not fail!"
The moonlight limned an eldritch shape
Attired in grave-dark satin
Upon the wind, a voice mused,
"I hope Nanny's kept the cat in...
"I must resist the lure tonight!
"I must stay dry! I gotta!
"I'll keep my Pledge, I will,
"Or my name isn't Margolotta!"
She clenched her fangs (oh, by the way
She doesn't waver often)
And flew back to her lonely schloss
To decorate her coffin.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Slumpie and clootie dumplings.
By Palace proclamation, there's
An amnesty on mummers
On Morris Men, folksinging folks
And even - shudder - drummers
It's goodwill time around the Disc
Be kind to friends and neighbours
(Whilst watching with one eye
For Nac Mac Feegle tossing cabers)
A word of warning, though, for mimes:
Be careful where you tarry
The man beneath the mistletoe
Might be Lord Vetinari!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Unconsidered trifle.
I'm dusting down my pointy hat
I'm sprucing up my broom
I'm polishing my bestest boots
And tidying the room
I'm ramming all my silver pins
Into my stern grey bun
Tonight I'm going partying
Tonight I shall have fun.
I'm baking festive little cakes
I'm practising my smile
I'm doing everything it takes
To celebrate in style
Tonight I can't be having with
My normal rigid self...
Make merry, now. It's good for you.
Enjoy yourselves - or else!
The Flying Moose 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Strawberry wobbler.
Doctor Mossy Lawn looked out
On his Igors merry
Tossing body parts about
(It's herrydeterry)
Jason stoked the forge so bright
Helped by Nanny's daughters
For his yearly task tonight -
Shoeing Tusker's trottt-ters.
Good King Verence donned his bells
And with jingles gentle
Spread organic Hogswatch smells
(Quite experimental)
Sybil served the party fare
With her fav'rite dragon
No fine wines on offer there -
Sam is on the waaaa-gon!
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
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