Now is the winter of our Disc-content, except in the top bits of Roundworld where the lucky buggers are having summertime. Either way, the Solstice has just passed, and with a full moon too, and we all know what that means: as the N'Tuitif tribesmen tell us, it means that a full moon has coincided with a Solstice, nowt more or less. Ah well, that's the price of being too literal - no romance. But the stars are full of romance this month. Could this be the month your Prince arrives? Or your Princess? Or both, for those of you with a tendency to be good at bargain hunting? Read on.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
There's no love like careless love, and you Hoggers certainly know about carelessness! This month you'll have multiple opportunities for new-found romance as you trip up and stumble over dozens of members of the opposite sex at the Summer Proms or Winter Ball. Better still, you'll be subpoenaed by a most attractive personal-injury lawyer: do make the most of your time in court! This is also a good time to buy a new mattress, so as to avoid possibly embarrassing injuries to your newfound, erm, friends. While you're at it, may as well clean the attic and dig a new dunny. We all know you've been sweeping your way recklessly through the year, and 'twill soon be Hogswatch. Avoid spiral staircases and banananana peels; Friday the 13th comes on a Monday, Wednesday and Saturday this month.
Romantic tip: try a dab of scumble behind the ears. Guaranteed to kill all known infections.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
May is gone and December is on its way now; a good month, therefore, to explore the exciting posibilities of age-gap romance, assuming that both you and your would-be romancee are of age, of course! Did you notice the way that middle-aged but still rather handsome eel seller has been looking at you on market days? The 27th is a good time to try getting your hands on his winkles - with a bit of luck (and Luck), the least you'll get is a fine bit of fish pie. Or how about that saucy young lady who works at the tailor's shop on Short Street and is definitely not a Seamstress? Play your cards right and you'll find yourself holding her mushroom before the week of the 16th is out. Speaking of cards, Mrs Cake is giving discounts for Caroc readings this month: ten per cent off, or two free tea-leaf consultations. I suggest you go for it.
Romantic tip: a bag of freshly toasted figgins is worth its weight in stolen kisses. Freshly toasted, mind you.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Now your bold new Hernian confidence can win you the walking-out partner of a lifetime! Or at least a lunchtime. Yes, the stars are just right this month to favour love among the croutons. Take the object of your affections to lunch on the 11th or 19th and you may soon hear the dulcet tones of wedding bells, especially if you share that lunch near the Street of Small Gods. Remember, in June and Grune the gods smile upon weddings. A small sacrifice to Petulia, Goddess of Negotiable Affection, will discourage those so-unromantic prenuptial financial documents (or, if you're wealthy, encourage them), and also sacrifices to Lukar, Demigod of Small Change and to Saint Amaretti, patron saint of snacks taken in bed, will help to ensure a healthy, wealthy, stress-free union. For you Hernians of the Hublandish and Chimerian persuasions, the 22nd is the best time for ransacking, pillaging and most importantly, the carrying off of young nubile priestesses. Today's protesting vestigial virgin could be tomorrow's compliant drudge!
Romantic tip: rinse your mouth with essence of hibiscus before that all-important first date. No, no, the phial behind the oil of scallatine.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
This month, your caring nature will lead you into the most satisfying of sensitive, tender romances. See all those fundraising dinners you took up attending last month? Well, if you keep your attendance up and look closely at your fellow carers-and-sharers, you're likely to spot more than a few lonely carers-and-sharers. In the second and third weeks of the month, try talking to some of those lonely ones. A quiet word about the dreadful state of women's rights in Borogravia...a knowing nod when the subject of cruelty to dragons is on the agenda...a sympathetic squeeze of a forearm during that Campaign for Equal Heights demo...it could all add up to less loneliness and more, well, unilateral action. Jimi, God of Beggars, and Patina (Goddess of Wisdom) are your best bets for sacrifices on the 25th. If you need to show your caring side sooner to a potential co-carer, try burning a clacks message to Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods, on the 6th.
Romantic tip: wear your second-best clothes when stepping out. Jackets with worn elbows, socks with obvious hand-darns and slightly shiny-seated trousers are favourite for showing your thriftiness and ecological concerns.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
The influence of Bilious will soon bring you the romance of your drams! Um, I mean dreams. No, wait, you're Bilians, so I was right the first time. True love waits in the Mended Drum, in the Troll's Head, in the Bucket, even in Biers...although there, true love is more likely to pounce upon you and sink its fangs into your throat. Take the time to stop smelling the alcohol fumes and look up instead from your glass; the next face you see might be that of your soulmate (or just the barman; then again, there are some fine-looking bar staff out there these days - sturdy, apple-cheeked Quirmian wine wenches; sun-bronzed, grinning Fourecksians financing their gap-year travels with a spot of bartending; young New Age vampires down from Uberwald more for the excitement than for the blood...). There's more to life than that next pint, so go live a little, love a little and try to avoid throwing up in your inamorata's potted aspidistra.
Romantic tip: remember to bring along a waterproof bag and some lemon scented hankies. Better prepared than rejected!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Do you believe in love? Of course you do, you're a gullible Mubboon. Why do fools fall in love? Because so many of them are born under Mubbo and thus congenitally incapable of Knowing Any Better. Does love make the world go around? Only if you've been drinking with one of those dodgy Bilians. Is it true that love is all you need? Only if you're a self-determined member of a workers' collective who live off the direct fruits of their labours on the land. Oh dear, you Mubboons do badly need some advice for the lovelorn, don't you? Try repeated sacrifices to Sessifet, Fate and the Lady. Or try one of those love potions the local hedge witch is so fond of hawking on market days. On no account declare your undying love for a member of the Guild of Seamstresses; they have splatters for that sort of thing.
Romantic tip: be sure to invite a chaperone. Or a certified reader of body language. Or a practising headologist...a great help for avoiding embarrassing misunderstandings in the arena of love.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
You can't dance, you can't talk; the only thing about you is the way that you run away astoundingly quickly at the least sign of danger or excitement...yes, you Boring'uns don't have the greatest track record when it comes to love and relationships, do you? Though you can't all be that bad, or there wouldn't be any Boring'uns. Hmm, I must check my star charts to see which Signs are most likely to produce the parents of Boring'uns...maybe you're all flukes...no, there are many people who are attracted to Disc-class sprinters and distance runners - so there you go, you're in with a chance. This month, be sure to frequent athletics events (though not the ones where they throw those big, heavy, dangerous hammer wossnames) and keep-fit venues. After all, you want a loved one who can keep up with you when the going gets tough and the Boring'uns get going via the fastest escape route!
Romantic tip: memorise some love poems. Handy for reciting on the run.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
What a wonderful month this is for singles! And doubles! And threesom-, er, other romantic configurations! Yes, this is your finest hour for proving that two outta three ain't bad and that you would do anything for love (even though most of you won't do that). The 4th, 7th, 10th, 13th, 17th and the entire last week of the month are good times to look for love. Try attending one of the Duke of Eorle's famous balls (note the complete absence of the word "to" there), or consider mounting a rescue attempt in one of B. S. Johnson's mazes: there are always a few lost young singles trapped in the inner passages. You could also take up streaking at sporting events; while this may land you inthe scorpion pits, it also marks you as someone daring, unusual and, well, sporting. If all else fails, go to church - not all the vestigial virgins will have been swept away by marauding Hernians.
Romantic tip: in olden days, a glimpse of stocking was considered fairly shocking; now it's much harder to manage that shock effect, but really, it's all down to where that glimpse can be had. Think about it.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
They say that Love is an er um female dog betimes, and for some of you Footys that's literal. For the rest of you, don't be put off by the ups and downs and the broken hearts (especially all you Igors, since you know that a broken heart is easily mended); go forth and win the heart of a fair maid or a stalwart lad (or Laddie)! Learning to cook exotic dishes is a good way to stir up potentially saucy encounters. Nanny Ogg's Cookbook is the best place to seek culinary knowledge, although her Chocolate Delight with Special Secret Sauce is not recommended for beginners...unless they want to be ex-beginners very, very quickly...flower arranging is also a good thing to learn, since bouquets melt hearts (though for Footy Trolls, brickbats do the job nicely). Make a sacrifice to Hoki the Jokester any time after the 12th, and avoid oysters, paradoxical as that seems; this being a month with no R in it, a case of food poisoning can cramp your wooing style somethin' awful.
Romantic tip: picnics are cheap and cheerful, and tend to take place in usefully private areas. Beware of ants and crocodiles though.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Where there's magic, there's love. This is an even better time than last month was for frog-kissing and the rescuing of princesses in towers, as an unexpected conjunction of Thaumsup A and the nearby constellation of Fonsareli has produced a veritable plague of princess-imprisoning in Genua and Brindisi, not to mention those rains of frogs in the Ramtop foothills. So put the potion back in the basket and listen to your secret heart; whither a wizard wanders, there too may a witch win wonderful waywardness. The 18th is a good time for cleaning of pointy hats. Avoid esbats from the 9th to the 15th, unless you want a lot of wizardly gatecrashers (although my charts are unclear on this - I keep reading the rune for that result as "goatcrushers"), and let's just forget about that "...other one" nonsense for once, shall we? I can't be having with hard-headed common sense all the time, and neither can you.
Romantic tip: leave your shamble at home! You don't want it exploding at inconvenient times.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians crave adventure, so what better way to satisfy that craving in the coming weeks than by going on a quest for romance? All the countries of the Disc await your questing presence. There are hearts to be won, jewelled thrones to be trodden under your sandalled feet, contests of skill and strength to be - no, make that contests of skill and daring to be, well, contested, coaches to rob, and did I mention the intimate tete-a-tetes at wayside inns? And the champagne soirées at the opera? The world is your ocean-dwelling thingy this month, particularly in the second and third week. Try a cruise on the warm waters of the Rim (where exotic island tribes are rich in coconuts but starved for love) or a trek across the desert wastes of Klatch (where exotic nomads are rich in camels but short of dates), and keep an eye out for lovelorn Boring'uns crossing your path at high speeds. Nothing like a very quick romance to whet the blood, I always say.
Romantic tip: don't forget the stepladder.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Love and death, or love and Death, pretty much make up most of the human condition - and that of most other species - and though Umbragians traditionally know quite a lot about death, it's now time to explore the delights of the other part! Here's a surprising fact: it's possible to engage the target in a full-on, no-holds-barred romance battle and have both parties emerge still alive at the end of the night. Makes quite a change, doesn't it? When stalking a partner, it's considered good form not to break into their bedroom and set deathtraps beforehand; it's also worth noting that Deadly Nightshade is not a suitable choice for a lover's bouquet. Blind Io himself is the best god to sacrifice to this month, but also don't forget Astoria the Love Goddess. You wouldn't want her little arrows to have the wrong sort of philtre on the tips! Practise being non-stealthy, except when scaling castle walls to drop boxes of chocolates into your loved one's boudoir.
Romantic tip: always be sure to coordinate your weaponry. No-one wants a poison-ring that clashes with one's outfit.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
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