Well, my dear Zodiac-ettes, it's another poetry month! Sessifet, Goddess of the Afternoon, has decided to favour my Muse, and you'll just have to suffer, hat hat hat. But in the spirit of horoscopy (not to be confused with horology, which isn't at all what it sounds like) I've chosen poetry to honour a famous Discworldian of each Sign. Some of these poems may bear a certain resemblance to pieces of Roundworld music with rocks in; feel free to sing along with any you recognise. Be warned that the one for Hoki may require an alarming amount of lung power; I suggest you see Archchancellor Ridcully for breath control lessons.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
For Sergeant Jackrum, a big man under the Hedgehog.
Gather 'round, my little lads
My sons, for you're as much as
A soldier's life awaits you now
Sign here, and kiss the Duchess
Gather 'round, my little lads
The future's looking rosy
A swagger and a pair of socks
Will keep your trousers cosy
My oath, I'm not a violent man
Though I've seen battles many
With macho milit'ry men whose Mums
Once named them Priss or Jenny
Superior officers I've dragged
For miles, to save their bacon
Soft women's clothes I've never worn
But, for my lads, I've taken
So gather 'round, my little lads
The first one's on the house
Get shaved, and then we'll hit the pub
Last one's a big girl's Blouse!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
For C.M.O.T. Dibbler, entrepreneur and Gahooligan.
I burn my candle at both ends
It will not last the night
But look you on my wares, good friends
And buy! The price is right!
I've everything you need or want
Come here and take a look!
Some "special" orders? Easy! (Those
I'll get by hook or crook)
I've sausages and buns, the best
That Sator Square can boast
I've figgins, only two weeks old
(They soften when you toast)
I've magic books from old U.U.
Such knowledge should be shared!
(Oh yes, they're badgered, wolved and foxed -
(But only slightly beared)
Perhaps some saucy postcards? Psst!
They're here inside my coat
Just tenpence each, these treasures - and
That's cutting my own throat!
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
For the Abbot of the History Monks, often born under Herne.
I am just an Abbot and my story's often told
I have re-lived my existence
For a pocketful of bikkits and a nice 'lephant
I never jest
Still, Lu-Tze hears what he wants to hear
And sweeps away the rest, hmmm, wannnawannapotty!
Asking only for some pablum, I come back to do my job,
But I get no Offlers
Just the strangest looks from Death each time I'm passing through
I do declare, I would rather be a Yeti
't least I'd get to keep my hair
Lai la lai lai, lai la lai wannawannabikkit!
Lai la lai, waah! waah! Lai la lai lai wanna nap!
Lai la lai, waah! waah! Lai la lai lai lai la waah, burp me now...
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
For Nanny Ogg, who knows all there is to know about knobs.
There was an old lady of Lancre
For bags of spare cash she did hanker
She wrote a cook-book
So successful, it took
Strong salts to revive her poor banker.
This tome, which outsold all competers
Inflamed the community leaders
Her "harmless cook-book"
Was so racy, it took
Strong salts to revive her male readers.
Her pudding was rather surprising
Her oyster pie, quite catalysing
The hausfraus of Ankh
Have old Nanny to thank
When their husbands find some things...arising.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
For Dr Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU, born under Bilious.
They're coming to give me dried frogs, ha ha!
They're coming to give me dried frogs!
My madness encumbers
But I'm good with numbers
They're coming to give me dried frogs!
They're locking me in Room 3b, ha ha!
They're locking me in Room 3b!
My condition's worser
I'm totally Bursar
They're locking me in Room 3b!
They're taking me in to see Hex, ha ha!
They're taking me in to see Hex!
If he can't compute me
He'll thaumic-reboot me
They're taking me in to see Hex!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
For Sergeant Colon, the Watch's best Mubboon.
Some people call me the time-waster
Some people call me the Watchman of Ankh
Some people call me "fat sergeant"
Cos I'm built like an armour-plated tank
People laugh about me
Say I'm getting it wrong, getting it wrong
Well, don't you worry, Nobby, don't worry
Cos I'm right here, guarding the Brass Bridge all night long
Cos I'm a slacker, slumpie-packer
Like a bear when knackered
Takin' all that I can cadge
I'm a bodger, I'm a codger
I'm a danger-dodger
Just a blackguard with a badge, oooh
That's the sweetest chair that I ever did see,
I really love the Watch House, want to drink some tea
Lovin' dog-ends, lovin' dog-ends all the time
Ooeee Nobby, someone else can stop crime!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
For Rincewind, a Boring'un if ever there was...
Beware - if you care
To keep your face fair -
The Beings from the Dungeon Dimensions
They're twisted and odd
They're after your bod
With naught but the worst of intentions
Be fleet on your soles
Should they come through holes
Or leaks in Reality's gizzard
A half-brick (in sock)
Will give them a shock
Especially if you're a Wizzard!
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For the ever so majestic Dean of Unseen University.
Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
I don't much mind if the other wizards laugh
'Cos I've got a knob enormous on my nice big staff!
Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
Sing Yo! for the life of a Dean!
I don't much care if I'm slow and fat,
'Cos I've got a lot of sigils on my pointy hat!
Sing Hut! for the life of a Dean!
I'm rough and I'm tough and I'm mean!
And I'll have a little snack, maybe a goose and some pork pies and
Second Breakfast and Elevenses and, oh, another little snack just to
tide me over in the hours between!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
For Seldom Bucket, famous Footy and cheesemaker.
'Twas opera, and the smarmy choir
Did gripe and grumble in the wings
All starving were the ballet girls
As the fat lady sings.
Beware the Opera Ghost, old son!
The murd'rousness, the manic laugh
Beware the plainclothes cop, and shun
The canapes - they're naff.
She took her part-time cat in hand
Long time the agile Ghost they sought
Then Greebo sprang as the singers sang
And mrrow! The Ghost was caught!
"And hast thou pawed the Opera Ghost?
"Come to my arms, you soft old thing!
"O Disc-ous joy! Champagne ahoy!"
And the fat lady sings.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
For Lord Hong, a noted (late) Hokian.
I am the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier
My enemies are busy plotting plots, but I am busier
I know the Art of War, and lots of hist'ry Anhk-Morporkian
I even have a full tradit'nal cossie I look dorky in
I'm very well acquainted, too, with murders quite artistical
My knowledge of applying poison's positively mystical
About schemes dark and dirty I'm extremely savoir-faireian
I surely can't be bested by some pension-age barbarian!
"He surely can't be bested by some pension-age barbarian!"
I'm very good at origami and exquisite cruelty
I know what evil lurks, no person civilised's yet fooled me
In short, although my schemes are getting dafter yet and dizzier
I am the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier!
"He is the very model of a modern mad Grand Vizier!"
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
For Angua von Uberwald, Gazundian of the Watch.
I come home in the full moonlight
Carrot says, "When you gonna live your life right?"
My muzzle's full, so I can only say "Grrr!"
Cos girls just want to have fur
Oh girls, they want to have fur.
The Watch calls in the middle of the night
Captain yells, "Why'd you give Lord Rust such a fright?"
Oh Carrot dear, don't you call me a cur
Cos girls just want to have fur
Oh girls just want to have fur.
That's all we really want
Soft fur
When the tracking work is done
Someone to comb out those burrs
Cos girls just want to have fur,
Were-girls just want to have fur.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
For B.S. Johnson, a fondly remembered Umbragian...not.
Steam-driven shoehorns and exploding teapots
Minuscule castles and city-sized whatnots
Bows with iron bowstrings and forks with soft tines
These are a few of my fav'rite designs
Dangerous devices (with well-meant intentions)
Plumbing that dips through the Dungeon Dimensions
Unstable vats for reannual wines
These are a few of my fav'rite designs
When the mood strikes
When my brain's bright
When the bills are due
I'll simply recycle my fav'rite designs
And may the gods pity...you!
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
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