Ah, the magic of the moving pictures! Roundworld has just had its yearly "Oscars" feeding frenzy, so isn't it timely that a certain friend of mine has unearthed a long-forgotten cache of classic clicks that survived the destruction of Holy Wood? I've watched them all, and as that nice Mr Dibbler is arranging to distribute copies at a cutting-his-own-throat price, I'm using this month's Horoscope to suggest which clicks would be most entertaining for beings born under each Sign. So spruce up your projector-imps, cuddle up on the sofa, and don't forget the banged grains...
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
COOL HAND OOOK: a gritty, hard-hitting, soft-fruit-chucking ape-flick set in a small Howondaland stockade. See the famous banana-eating contest! See the alpha male challenge the ruling authorities! Starring Mel Gibbon in his most famous cross-species performance.
MY STEPMOTHER IS A KLATCHIAN: the hilarious misadventures of Jenny Klatch, a secret agent who tries to infiltrate Ankh-Morpork in the guise of a sex-bomb housewife and ends up falling for A-M ways. Priceless, and also only AM$7 for a copy!
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
NEVER GIVE A VIZIER AN EVEN BREAK: a chaotic Agatean comedy-fest set among the perpetual wars between the Fang, Hong and MacSweeney clans. Poisoning was never so side-splittingly funny before!
GNOME IN 60 SECONDS: see Buggy Swires and Hamish Mac Feegle in their first and only team-up! They unite to solve a rash of buzzard-stealing...from the inside. The aerial scenes will make you reel! And possibly hurl.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
LANCRASTIC PARK: terrifying palaeo-imps, extracted from ancient scumble dregs in Bad Ass, run amok in a theme park opened by C.M.O.T. Dibbler. Just when you thought it was safe to go into the nature reserve...
MY FAIR LYCANTHROPE: a classic, memorably tuneful musical about a professor who decides to prove that young dogs can learn new tricks. Contains the famous song "I Could Have Barked All Night".
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
A MAN FOR ALL SEASONINGS: the stirring - and chopping, and dicing, and grilling, and baking, and stir-frying - story of the King who would be Chef. The special effects will make your mouth water!
THE MAGNIFICENT 7+1: in the greatest mid-western ever filmed, an octet of wizards fight evil and each other across the Sto Plains, against the background of a world gone madde, or at least Bursar.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
HOW THE WURST WAS WON: the dramatic story of the quest to create the BEST SAUSAGE IN UBERWALD! With 1,000 ELEPHANTS! And NAMED MEAT!
PRETTY DEMON: the story they said couldn't be told! A beautiful young wood-nymph joins the Seamstresses' Guild and captures the heart of a handsome rubber-products tycoon. Star-crossed romance that will tug at your heartstrings!
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
HOWONDALAND SMITH AND THE TEMPURA OF DOOM: our intrepid hero bites off more than he can chew when he steals the Jewel of the Djel and finds himself chased by camel-riding ninjas, sword-wielding handmaidens, and the Klatchian Foreign Legion!
BIG TROUBLE IN BES PELARGIC: a Morporkian cart driver takes a holiday in Agatea and has to rescue the locals from a plague of ancient vampire ghosts. Magic, explosions, kung fu - this one has it all!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN ONE NIGHT: in which a reporter for The Times doesn't meet an heiress, doesn't go to exotic far-flung romantic places, and totally fails to have any kind of excitement or adventure. Guaranteed safe and unexciting viewing, but available with subtitled exclamation marks for the braver among you.
CLACKSWISE: brilliant slapstick comedy about a fussy Dark Clerk who throws the Patrician's Palace into disarray with his obsessive timekeeping. Best Silly Walks in the history of clicks-making! Contains no pineapples.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
VICTOR/VICTORIA/LADDIE: the heart-rending emotional trials of an unfortunate soul who's part man, part woman and part werewolf. And you thought you had a hard life...
SOME LIKE IT NOBBS: it's an all-singing, all-dancing, all-cross-dressing musical extravaganza when a pair of Watchmen investigate mob activities by joining a band managed by Chrysoprase. Great tunes, great frocks; great Io, there are some scary sartorial sights!
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
EVERY WHICH WAY BUT WIDDERSHINS: laugh with action star Flint Beastwood as a roustabout wanderer who travels the Disc with his pet chimp Nobby, wreaking havoc every step of the way from Sto Helit to Heliodeliphilodelphiboschromenos! Another Mel Gibbon triumph.
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE HUB: you'll recoil in fear as cold-blooded Assassin Mr Teatime stalks the Tooth Fairy because he's been hired to inhume all in the Castle of Bo- oh wait, wrong story. This is an epic about killers and land-grabbers. Same thing, really.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
THE GODMOTHER: sweeping tale of a subtly evil witch's rise to power, and how she rules over a clan of potion-peddlers with a fist of iron and a mouth full of marbles. Not recommended for children, muhahaha.
THE CHRONICLES OF PSEUDOPOLIS YARD - THE LIAR, THE WATCH AND THE WARDROOM: in which Done It Duncan finds a magic wardrobe that lets him enter the Watch House whenever he wants, to confess to all the unsolved crimes in Ankh-Morpork. Great special effects!
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
DANCES WITH ELVES: the enchanting, haha, story of a Lancre Morris dancer who gets captured, and then adopted, by the Lords and Ladies. Features Jason Ogg in his first film role - and real Morris dancers. No stunt-men were harmed in the making of the Stick and Bucket dance!
BRASSICA INSTINCT: a spine-tingling thriller in which a wealthy, married, Quirmian brassica farmer is seduced by a wicked, vengeful temptress from Sto Lat. The cabbage-stabbing scene is unforgettable!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
BACK TO THE SUTURE: the thrill-a-minute fantastic tale of how a young Igor has to travel through time to make sure 1.21 gigawatts of lightning get sent through the corpse of his all-important ancestor. Horrors previously untold! Excellent stitiching techniques demonstrated!
LOWLANDER: Swords! Stirring battles! Mousepipes! Lawyers! A once-in-a-lifetime, headbuttingly pulse-pounding tale of the Nac Mac Feegle's struggle to produce the ultimate dirty-fighter. Dere can only be one t'ousand!
Friday, March 31, 2006
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