by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno my great friends, for it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is unable to write the horoscopes this month, for she has caught a walrus. But do not fear, for Fernando is here to take on the mission of being your astrologer for today.
This month, the stars have much to say about missions and Causes. Fernando understands all about having a cause that gives you great passion, for Fernando is a very passionate man. When Fernando was a small boy in the short pants, he was passionate about the pressing of lizards. Sometimes he would spend hours in the long grass, looking for a Bearded Gecko or the Headless Iguanas, until Aunt Maria grabbed Fernando by the ear and yelled for him to pay attention. Fernando has now put these childish things behind him, but he is still molto passionate, and he still believes very much in the pressing, only not of lizards.
So this month, let Fernando and the stars guide you to the Causes you should follow. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The stars this month say that the Cause to follow for Hoggers is the The Ronald Rust Society For The Introduction Of Slavery For People Without Knighthoods. Fernando, who does not have a knighthood, is very happy to see that the Society is finding it muy difficulto to attract members in Ankh-Morpork, especially after the Patrician sent his special clerks to take notes at a couple of meetings. But the stars have spoken, and Fernando must pass on their message, for that is Fernando's passion. One of his passions. He has many.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Munchers, your Cause this month is to help the poor people of Klatch get access to the best of Ankh-Morpork medicine. Doctor Archibald Leech tells that the poor Klatchians have no tools for blood-letting, a shortage of goose-grease, and their doctors treat the illnesses with the mould from bread instead of balancing the humours. Fernando feels sympathy for them, and for Munchers who do too, this is your Cause.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
For the Hernians, your Cause is the preservation of wildlife. Wildlife is important, and there are many ways that you can help preserve the wild animals. You can learn how to pickle, smoke and salt, and how to make jerky. There is also taxidermy, and you may even go to Djelibeybi to learn the ancient art of mummification. Hernians of a magical bent may learn spells to preserve animals by turning them into stone. Fernando is a passionate believer in the preservation of wild life, and also in the preservation of wildlife, so you do well to take this advice.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Staffies will find that the Cause that suits them best this month is the Campaign To Ban Detritus. Fernando has never had need to assist the Watch with their enquiries, but Fernando's cousin Tomas, who has a passion for looking into the ladies' bedrooms, has often been dragged by the ankles back to the Watch house by Detritus. Fernando has asked Signora Evelina Synonymous, the Spokesperson for the Campaign, to comment:
- "It is high time the Patrician listens to the will of the people and does something about the menace of Commander Vimes' troll on the streets of Ankh-Morpork. Good law-abiding people fear being killed in their beds if this Detritus creature accidentally shoots his crossbow at the wrong house. Does there have to be a tragedy before Detritus is banned from the streets?"
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, your Cause for this month is the Blessed Brutha Save the Tortoise Fund. You don't need to be an Omnian to help save the tortoise from the depredations of the cruel eagles. The Tortoise Fund is always looking for volunteers to rescue the poor little tortoises which have been turned upside down, and to hunt the eagles. If going out into the wilderness is too dangerous for you, right here in Ankh-Morpork there is much work to be done to ban the cruel sports of tortoise-baiting and tortoise fighting, although Fernando understands that going out into the desert without food or water is safer than going into the Shades.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Fernando found confusing nodes in the stars for Snippies this month, so he has spoken to Mr Quentin Kindle, manager of the St Agatha bank, about the Cause. Mr Kindle kindly said,
- "Thank you Mr Magnifico, and I must say you are looking more magnificent than ever today with your blue velvet trousers. My colleagues and I at the St Agatha Upon Walll bank, to give it our full name, that's Walll with three L's, thank you, believe that the time is ripe for Ankh-Morpork to reject the Patrician's experiment with the golem standard for monetary policy and return to the oldest and most trustworthy basis for money, the cockleshell standard. Our bank has invested thousands of dollars buying up shoreland all around Ankh-Morpork, and have been stockpiling cockleshells for the inevitable time when the golems stop working and the gold runs out, something we're sure will happen very soon now."
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Fernando knows that Boring'uns are far too boring to have Causes, and the stars agree: they are almost completely silent this month. Almost silent, but not quite, for the most tiny, feeble star in the constellation alone gives Fernando a single word to pass on to Boring'uns: "cabbage". Whisper it quietly, caras mias.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Andies are known for their double-nature and grande contrasting personalities, and this month the stars give Andies a Cause that they can get into in two ways. For your Cause is alcoholic beverages. Whether you are against them, like MADAM, Mothers Against Drink And Merriment, or for them, like the Fancies, who are named from their motto, "a leetle bit of what you fancy does you good", this month you have a Cause you can really get into.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
(formerly the Great T'Phon's Foot)
Fernando cares greatly for the bambinos and the small childrens, and who does not? But sometimes the childrens are their own worse enemy, when they are running wild and not listening to their Mammas and Pappas, like Fernando's nephew Carlito who is always making the mischief in his own way. For Spooners this month, your Cause is to help protect the childrens, and Fernando knows of no better way to save the childrens from themselves than by supporting the King Lorenzo the Kind Memorial Home For Naughty Boys and Girls.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Fernando knows that every creature has its part to play in the great web of life; for is it not true that not a sparrow can fall without the Gods betting on whether or not it will hit somebody? And who are we to interfere with the games of the Gods by letting an entire species to become extinct? The Gods would not like this, and you would not like the Gods when they are angry, you might end of sleeping with the whelks. For Hokians, your Cause this month is to save the furry rug slug from extinction. This rare and beautiful creature, part snake, part mammal and known for dropping its legs off at the first sign of danger, is very dear to Fernando's heart. Furry rug slugs deserve to be saved, even if their pelts do make lovely hats. And if they cannot be saved, at the very least Fernando suggests that you get a Hernian friend to preserve one.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians, this month the Cause your stars have chosen for you is the famous Campaign to Clean Up Gnolls. Better than any words Fernando could tell you about this are the words of the fearsome signora Contessa von Schutzenfutz, who says,
- "It is a disgrace that the Patrician allows these smelly dirty gnolls into the city without so much as a bath. And what do they do with all that garbage they collect, I ask you, hmmm? At the very least, they should be washed and their hair combed. And they're hatless, I say, hatless. They don't wear hats! You can't tell me that's not wrong."
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Fernando knows very much that without respect, you have nothing. Fernando remembers very well that his Aunt Peppita was being disrespected by her paesano Bruno, and she put the evil eye on him until he changed his disrespectful ways, and the very next day he got drunk on Uncle Rafael's grappa and fell down in the pig sty and the sow sat on him. Again. So respect, it is important, except for the stinking cheese-eating Quirmians and their cheating footsballers, and Fernando feels sympathy for the Ankh-Morpork conjurers when they are given no respect by the wizards. Umbragians, this is your Cause: to work for the wizardry reform and equal consideration for conjurers. But do it with respect, for those stregazza wizards can turn you into a frog.
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