A Fairytale of Old Ankh

YOUR SONG OF THE MONTH
by Weird Alice Lancrevic

This is not the greatest Hogswatch carol in the world - this is just a tribute (SNH, SNH, SNH). I always had a horror of the sickly sweetness of most carols until the original of this one came along. For those of you unacquainted with its dyspeptic, misanthropic wonderfulness, get yourself to the nearest Anterweb and hunt it down - you won't be sorry! Ho ho ho.

A FAIRYTALE OF OLD ANKH
with apologies to the Pogues

1. A PRISONER IN THE PALACE DUNGEONS:
It was Hogswatch Eve, mate
Down in old Ankh
A chained mime said to me
"Won't learn another word!"
And then he sang a song:
The hedgehog's point of view
I turned twice Widdershins
And dream'd of hot stoo

Got Raven's lucky beak -
See, Death of Rats says SQUEAK
A slate is running
In Biers for me and you
So Happy Hogswatch
From Dots and Sadie
Making Morpork free of crime
And nightmares all come true...

2. TWOFLOWER:
They've got gnolls big as trolls
They've got wizards in robes
But the smell goes right through you
There's no rest for your nose
When we walked round the Shades
On that cold Hogswatch night
You promised me Ankh-Morpork vampires don't bite

3. VARIOUS MEMBERS OF THE BEGGARS' AND THIEVES' GUILDS:
"You were Bursar - "
"You were jolly..."
"You stank like Queen Molly!"
When the minstrels stopped playing
We set them alight
Piss Harry's "collecting"
Mossy Lawn, he's dissecting
We ate Dibbler's meat pies
And retched through the night

EVERYONE:
The boys from the YMPA Choir
Were singing sourly
And Dark Morris bells rang out
For Hogswatch Eve.

4. NOBBY AND COLON:
"You're a Fool, a nut-case."
"You're a civic disgrace,
"Swigging Bearhugger's booze
"Till you hoick on your shoes!"
"You Lancre sheep-shagger..."
"You unlicensed Beggar..."
"Happy Hogswatch, you Nobbs - "
"Hope the Gods shut yer gob!"

EVERYONE:
The cops of the Day and Night Watch Choir
Committed harmony
And Dark Morris bells rang out
For Hogswatch Eve.

5. DUKE FELMET: "I could've ruled the Disc..."
DUCHESS FELMET: "Well, so could any twit!
"You took my crown from me
"When ghosts unmanned you..."
DUKE: "I killed for Lancre, dear
"I grabbed it for our own..."
DUCHESS: "I'd rather stand alone!"
ALL LANCRE TOGETHER: "But we could never stand you!"

EVERYONE:
The ghouls from the Bel-Shamharoth Choir
Were howling tunelessly
And Dark Morris bells rang out
For Hogswatch Eve!


The original lyrics can be found at:
http://www.pogues.com/Releases/Lyrics/LPs/IfIShould/Fairytale.html