THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
CHING ALING!
No, it isn't the sound of the money-changers in Sator Square; it's the venerable Hublander art of divination. The Ching Aling, also known as the Book of Tossing, is performed by interpreting the patterns formed by tossing herring bones. According to Hublanders, the universe formed from Kaos, the Primordial Muesli, which produced the three Elementary Forms, the NIN, NAN and NONG. These cosmic principles reflect the trichotomies of the universe, such as drunk/sober/knurd, alive/dead/undead, light/dark/true dark (or dark light, as the Uberwaldeans prefer to call it) and thesis/antithesis/synthesis, and are the foundation of the Ching Aling.
The Ching Aling practitioner concentrates on the question they want answered, then tosses two herring bones to form one of nine Chigrams. Each Chigram has an aspect, a flavour and a direction:
1. Impetus, Meaty/Savoury, Greater Widdershins
2. Rimfall, Sour, Widdershins
3. Summer winds, Hot, Moving Apart
4. Aurora Coriolis, Spicy, Lesser Widdershins
5. Glacier, Cold, Stillness/The Hub
6. Stormy weather, Salty, Turnwise
7. Maelstrom, Bitter, Coming Together
8. Moonshadow, Minty, Lesser Turnwise
9. Washing-up, Sweet, Greater Turnwise
Four Chigrams taken together make one of 6561 possible Octograms, numbered non-consecutively between 1111 and 9999 for reasons known only to camels and the ancient Hublander Sourcerer Makko, the discoverer of Ching Aling. Each Octogram consists of the Outer Being (formed from the first and last Chigrams) and the Inner State (from the second and third Chigrams).
By concentrating on a question whilst tossing the bones, the trained practitioner can gain insight into the answer by interpreting the Octograms. So, with an antique copy of The Compleet Thicko's Guyde To Ching Aling in hand and a pint of cod liver beer to get into the right mood, I concentrated on each astrological Sign and asked the bones what your horoscope will be...
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Note: this Horoscope was compiled with the kind assistance** of SteVen D'Afanguin (D.Thm), Bugarup University Professor of Sphenisciformal Anxiety.
** Meaning "he did all the real work".
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar-20 Apr
Your Octogram is 6617.
The Inner State is Slood and the Outer Being is the Prohibited Soup.
Your element is Aether and your food is sausage-inna-bun.
Your lucky letter is N and your unlucky number is 7+1.
Your household appliance is "Anni-Frid" the bicycle.
The colour to avoid is burgundy, and you should beware of rains of buffalo.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr-21 May
Your Octogram is 2453.
The Inner State is Epiphany and the Outer Being is the Gloomy Trousers.
Your element is Dark and your food is stoo with named meat.
Your lucky letter is A and your unlucky number is 9.
Your household appliance is "Olaf" the footstool.
The colour to avoid is white, and you should beware of little bald wrinkly smiling men carrying brooms.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your Octogram is 3463.
The Inner State is Disputatiousness and the Outer Being is the Bowl of Fish Stoo Tasting Faintly of Garlic.
Your element is Silver and your food is potato.
Your lucky letter is T and your unlucky number is 10.
Your household appliance is "Ursula" the set of steak knives.
The colour to avoid is that funny colour you get when you mix all your paints together in a spirit of enquiry, and you should beware of blubber.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun-22 Jul
Your Octogram is 8887.
The Inner State is Illegality and the Outer Being is the Unatoning Goose.
Your element is Water and your food is hazelnut creme truffle.
Your lucky letter is F and your unlucky number is 23.
Your household appliance is "Loki" the occasional table.
The colour to avoid is puce, and you should beware of pineapples.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your Octogram is 3231.
The Inner State is Ostentatiousness and the Outer Being is the Empty Firkin.
Your element is Air and your food is bread.
Your lucky letter is B and your unlucky number is 15.
Your household appliance is "Gretelhilda" the foldaway bed.
The colour to avoid is vermilion, and you should beware of yeti.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug-23 Sept
Your Octogram is 4542.
The Inner State is Quantum Uncertainty and the Outer Being is the Threefold Bork.
Your element is Iron and your food is distressed pudding.
Your lucky letter is X and your unlucky number is 5.
Your household appliance is "Hergenbergen" the bookcase.
The colour to avoid is brown, and you should beware of steppes (watch that first one, it's a doozy).
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept-23 Oct
Your Octogram is 9424.
The Inner State is Sycophancy and the Outer Being is the Unsorted Glossary.
Your element is Gold and your food is porridge.
Your lucky letter is S and your unlucky number is 12.
Your household appliance is "Grisalda" the tea set.
The colour to avoid is plaid, and you should beware of men called Hrunsson.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Your Octogram is 4375.
The Inner State is Burlesque and the Outer Being is the Badly Fitting Codpiece.
Your element is Fire and your food is squishi.
Your lucky letter is R and your unlucky number is 1.
Your household appliance is "Nubbl" the terrarium.
The colour to avoid is black, and you should beware of foehns.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov-21 Dec
Your Octogram is 7313.
The Inner State is Duplicity and the Outer Being is the Chocolate Moose.
Your element is Copper and your food is Lancre blue cheese.
Your lucky letter is Q and your unlucky number is 3.
Your household appliance is "Gnott" the candlestick holder.
The colour to avoid is khaki, and you should beware of snowshoes.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec-20 Jan
Your Octogram is 8496.
The Inner State is Hangover and the Outer Being is the Plate of Lutefisk.
Your element is Earth and your food is figgins.
Your lucky letter is E and your unlucky number is 42.
Your household appliance is "Huskerdu" the broom.
The colour to avoid is octarine, and you should beware of moose.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan-18 Feb
Your Octogram is 3689.
The Inner State is Machismo and the Outer Being is the Pervious Chicken.
Your element is Shadow and your food is bananananana.
Your lucky letter is Z and your unlucky number is 17.
Your household appliance is "Bjorn" the clothes hamper.
The colour to avoid is lime green, and you should beware of horse cheese.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb-20 Mar
Your Octogram is 1936.
The Inner State is Weltschmerz and the Outer Being is the Mortified Maiden Aunt.
Your element is Octiron and your food is smoked cod.
Your lucky letter is M and your unlucky number is 6.
Your household appliance is "Lars" the assemble-at-home siege engine.
The colour to avoid is beige, and you should beware of breakaway oxidation phenomena.
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